We lost my mother after a long battle cancer about 10 years ago, because of this, my Father's fear of medical treatment is now full blown trauma. He is in his early 70s, but recently started feeling dizzy, and has partial vision loss in his left eye. He has had no drooping, and is physically able to do everything he normally can. Except he needs to rest from stomach pain, and can't drive (because he can't see).
I am really concerned about his health, but he refuses to go to urgent care (it's been ongoing since 11/6). But he is extremely religious (catholic), and believes the loss of sight with pretty colors is sent from God, so he can atone for his sins before he dies and thus avoid purgatory. I want him to get this checked before things get worse, but he is very strong willed and just repeats "I trust God".
How do I navigate this situation, with his serious medical issue and angry refusal to go to the Doctor?
We have tried appealing to his religious side, begging him, making promises if he just has it checked then he does not have to get anything treated, and trying to emotionally open up about our worry and love for him. I want to keep him healthy and safe.
I could try reaching out to a former priest who's now moved though.
If your father wants to ignore his heath at his relatively young age, I'd be trying to get him to see a mental health practitioner.
Make sure he understands that the consequences of ignoring warning signs (sent by God, who gave him a brain) can be serious issues down the road that will cause YOU trouble and inconvenience. I wouldn't be acting concerned around him, I would feign anger and annoyance at the trouble this is likely to cause you.
This includes both good & bad decisions - but this is his right, as we all have - unless deemed incompetent.
Do you suspect decline/stroke etc has tended him unable to understand these decisions, weigh the information & make an informed decision?
Are you saying those promises just to get him to agree to see the doctor? Or are you really going to leave him be after you find out he has xyz diseases? I don't think you will be any less worried after you find out what's wrong with him.
It seems that your dad is adamant about NOT wanting any intervention or treatment for his conditions even if the conditions are treatable. And he's willing to live with them. and die because of them. Death is not his concern. Salvation is.
Maybe there's some hope if you can find a very persuasive priest that can move your dad from his conviction, tying getting treatment to salvation somehow.
Otherwise, if I were in your shoes, I'd leave him be. He has a right to his faith whether you agree with it or not.
What you may have to do is wait until the situation is so serious, like he loses consciousness. Then u call 911 and get him transported to a hospital.
Do you think a home visit from a priest (especially the one he does like) would help? There actually may be some issues why he doesn't want to continue at the same church, i.e., perhaps his declining condition, and he doesn't want people to see him that way.
I think people do get more set in their ways as they grow older, especially when the end of life seems nearer. I also think sometimes they're afraid to make decisions at that point, b/c the situation may worsen.
It may be that in his own current mindset, he's reconfigured his beliefs, and sees this as the best position to adopt.
You have my sympathies; I wish I could think of some really good suggestions, but it is difficult when someone takes an inflexible position.
I ask, because a stroke can cause dementia and that sounds like what you are dealing with.
I, personally, would not push for medical intervention if he really doesn't want it. It's not okay to force treatment on anyone and even though I believe that The Lord gave us medicine for us, I also don't believe that people should be kept alive by intervention if they don't want to go through the treatments, some of which destroy your quality of life. Maybe, he is fearful that he will have to go through what your mom did, to end up dead anyway.
Has anyone had a talk to him about why he doesn't want medical intervention if it is an easily treatable condition? Is he afraid of the actual diagnosis? What he would like in the event he is incapacitated and can not make his wishes known? Because that is what should happen if/when he can no longer advocate for himself, his wishes for what does and doesn't happen to his body.
Please do not use an emergency to force your will on him. It is his life and health after all.
I'd just say don't blow a fortune on the funeral. My FIL died suddenly after a fall, and my very Catholic spent nearly $40,000 she could ill-afford on his funeral.
Your dad sounds like my FIL. He died from a brain bleed after hitting his head, then angrily refusing to get checked out because he denied having fallen. He also needed knee replacement surgery for years and wouldn't take even an Advil for pain because he was such a know-it-all. His end wasn't surprising to me, but the rest of the family was absolutely stunned that this was how he met his end. He considered himself a devout Catholic, but various priests weren't good enough, he went to Mass to check off that box each week, and he'd never cracked a Bible in his life.
If I believed in any of that, I'd be very interested in what God had to say to him about his faith, pride, and ultimate end.
Caught that mistake too late to edit.
I think a good priest is your absolute best bet.
Let him know that God helps those who help themselves.
If he refuses help, there's nothing you can do about it.
I am 70 now, I think that is too young to just quit. Your Dad is probably afraid of the answer if he gets a diagnosis but just what if he has many, many years left and he just doesn't need to live them like this.
Is it not possible that your fear and grief and panic is possibly your own trauma of your mother's death?
Seek healing, counseling and be accepting of your father's feelings.
“A hurricane was approaching and evacuation orders were in place and they sent emergency workers to bring a man to a safe location, but the man said I shall stay. I trust in God , I will not perish. God will take care of me. And so the rain came and the waters rose high. Emergency services than sent a row boat to rescue the man again he said I have faith in God, he will save me I will not leave and he sent the row boat away. The waters rose higher so high that the man had to climb out onto his roof. Emergency services this time sent a helicopter to lift the man off the roof. Again the man said I have faith in God he will not let me perish. And so the man sent the helicopter away. The man drowned and when he came in front of God he said to God. I don’t understand I was a faithful servant I believed in you , I believed would not let me perish. God replied, I did not want you to perish. I sent emergency services to save you, you refused, than I sent a rowboat to save you, I you refused. Than I sent a helicopter to save you. You refused all the help I offered.
perhaps if you Dad can realize God is sending medical help for him and he should turn down God’s helpers.
1) we go to ER and get you checked out or
2 we call 911 and have paramedics check you out
Good luck