I am 80 & a widow for 8 mos—took care of husband since 2012 the same year I had back pain & had to use a cane—I also took care of my dog with kidney disease till he died—under all this stress had high BP, bowel removed due to infection, breast CA, many hospitalizations—now I feel like the house (one story) is closing in on me there is so much ‘stuff’ that I can’t organize due to severe back & leg pain when standing—my husband took care of majority of bills & now it’s all on me & sometimes I feel overwhelmed—my grandkids got me another small dog (8 yo) & he is a joy; he makes me get up & dressed to take him for a walk each day. I feel living in a smaller place (that would accept a dog) would be better for me & my kids. They have their own families & houses & bills & they come & fix things around the house, mow, shovel snow. I feel my back is getting worse by the day & maybe I would be less stressed & so would they if I went into elderly housing. What do you all think? Pros & cons? I am also dealing with grief of my husbands death & since Covid there hasn’t been any face to face group meetings only online. I don’t do well talking online or just reading about grief by myself—I need to see the people who have gone thru it in person —I found this site when I was caring for husband & it helped me a lot with all the answers given to my questions so I hope y’all can help me with this decision—thanks in advance!
Good Luck & Take Care.
Sorry for all your travails and loss of husband and dog. The only upside is that it relieves you of a lot of the work and stress involved in providing for their care for so long. Hopefully that helps to relieve some of your pain and maybe reduce your BP. It's also great that you have another nice little pup to care for, who loves you, makes you happy and gets you up and about!
Your description of everything was detailed, which is helpful. It is good you have considered preparing for a different future. The nice thing about finding good senior housing is that it relieves you of having to maintain a home, yard AND many bills! It is great that your kids/grandkids do come and help you out, but over time that will become harder to maintain. If you moved to a place where this kind of work is covered, then they can spend that time VISITING with you rather than doing chores/tasks! It is often very hard for our children to take us in. I have told my kids I don't expect that from them.
While you are still mobile, it would be good to get everything in order. Consult with EC attorney (try several - most will give an initial free consult) and start touring facilities (may have to be done by phone/online/brochure for now.) Have a list of questions for the atty AND the places you inquire about. Take LOTS of notes! Each atty and place will have their own costs and what's included for that amount. Involve your kids too, so they can ask questions and perhaps see/think about things you might have missed! You can start by weeding through your things and let them help you dispose of/donate/give away what you can, to prepare for a move (that was a BEAR for me - took me about 1 3/4 years to get mom's condo cleared, cleaned and repaired in order to sell it!!!)
Our mother developed dementia, so I had to do all that prep legwork myself. As noted in another comment, I would recommend being wary about those "continuing care" places that require a big up front payment.
Initial steps were to have all legal issues in place - POAs, will, medical desires, set up a trust for her liquid assets and later put the proceeds from the sale of the condo in it too. What's nice about that trust is looking at the 2 yr chart it is like we haven't touched it, yet her pension and SS covers less than 1/2 the MC cost, so that comes from the trust! I then checked out various places, 3 in the town next to mine. I ruled out a cont care place and another place there (yucky). YB found one, but it would have been a long drive for me and I manage everything. It was also more expensive with a lousy location. The one settled on wasn't even open yet, but it was the BEST choice!
It is a lovely IL/AL/MC place where one can transition as needed to the next level of care. It was torn down and rebuilt, so is fairly new. Private pay with endowment as well. They DO allow small pets. There was even one cat living in the MC area! Staff is nice. Everyone I have met there is nice. I wouldn't hesitate to move there if I felt overwhelmed in my own place! The other nice thing is it's in SW NH, so there is NO TAX on her income! For the most part her's wasn't (she lived in MA too, but SS and fed pensions are not taxed. Fed tax is now 0, because MC is fully deductible.) It is a lovely place, has transport to local shops and medical/dental if needed, and will shop for supplies you need as well if you can't get out (lock down prevented some getting out.) Not a single case of the virus to date! They are allowing some visits outside now, with restrictions, and some indoor activities and communal dining has resumed as well.
It's about 5-10 min to local hospital, has lovely views, many activities (curtailed some for now) - I can't say enough nice things about it! Hairdresser on site, other amenities. Everyone I've met, staff and residents are VERY nice people! Look, listen, ask ?s any place you check - you might find a great one!
Again, we need to do due diligence in choosing a place. Know the cost, visit often when possible, look, listen, ask questions, try the food during a tour, etc. We were able to see/view the place before the move and the deposit WAS refundable (had it turned out to be a crappy place that was a relief! It also was applied to the first month rent.) The only thing we wouldn't know is how good/nice the staff was or how nice the people living in the IL/AL, but it's been 4.5 years now and I have no complaints. I would consider this place myself, if/when I feel I can't maintain my place!
However, given what we went through with mom and her refusal to consider moving (even though AL was in her plans before dementia), I do need to get my legal stuff taken care of and have my wishes documented so that my kids can facilitate! EC atty said POA no good for making her move, and suggested guardianship. Facility said no committals! EEEK! Thankfully a medical issue cropped up around the planned move, so it was used to "convince" her she needed to move!
But we DO need to hear positive feedback about senior housing. Many of us know there are good places, bad places, some between places, but when some post only negative about facilities and chastise us for even considering it, it is great to have YOU here!
I lost my husband at age 57. I heeded the advice of “wait a year”. But I did begin to feel like you...the house was too much to handle. Several years later, I did sell...after 35 years in one place, it took me that long to clean-out; make decisions, etc.
I was too young to go to senior housing. But when looking with my parents at the options...it looked very appealing. (They, however, wanted to remain in their own home.).
at 60, I retired and ended up taking a (dream) position where I was provided housing...but now, gave up that to come home and care for my parents. I’m pushing 63 and ...once again, feeling like taking on the responsibilities of assisting my parents with their home ownership to be overwhelming. They have turned down several opportunities to enter an assisted living facility. To me it seems like such a great opportunity!!
if you can afford to do so now...I would surely talk to your family and tell them you are ready to make the change.
In think that sometimes our children see it as a negative of “giving up the family home”. But nostalgia doesn’t help you day-to-day. You are being realistic to notice they have their own lives, families, and homes to maintain. This is a good thing and you see it as such! ❤️
When I lived abroad in an apartment that was provided for me...meals if I chose to have them (and a kitchen to cook if I chose)...cleaning and laundry services...and time to do all I loved to do...I really did enjoy it! Although I was working, it was very comparable to what I had seen as benefits of senior housing options I had explored with my parents.
I wish they had opted to do so.
We all have differing needs. In my heart I knew it was time to sell my home. When I pass by the house...every so often...I see the weeds...and other maintenance issues and think “I’m so glad I sold it”! 🤣🤣. The last time I passed by, nearly 2 years since I sold...I did finally have a good cry...it is a loss. The dreams I had of my grandchildren coming to spend summer weeks with me will never happen. But I also realized....those visits may not have happened as I thought anyway! (Especially not this year!!).
Your family seems wonderful...I’m sure a good conversation will help you settle your mind. And it sounds like you have a good support system to help you “clean out”! (Even if you decide to stay...that may be a good idea anyway!!). ❤️😊
One warning on "continuing care" places. Check them out thoroughly. One of my friends and her husband put most of their savings into one of those places you "buy into". Unknown to them, the place was on the verge of bankruptcy,, another company purchased it and refused to honor the contracts of the people living there. If you are asked to "buy in" I would have an attorney and CPA check the contract and business.
The one I settled on wasn't even fully finished - they tore down the really old building and started over. Also, it is non-profit. The cost for her private room only just exceeded the original cost of that other place, 4 years later! Something nice I just discovered is that they have a fund to help cover costs for long-time residents who need help paying when funds run low! At this time it isn't likely mom needs that, but it is nice to know it is there!
I hope I have the courage you have and make the decision to go into AL while I can. I hope to have the courage to stand up for myself & tell my family that the time has come, yet again, to make another life change and not make anyone else, including my family, have to make that decision for me. HOW EMPOWERING! Keep us updated.
So sorry for all you have been through lately. Aging is a BIG challenge. Sounds however, as if you are way ahead of the game. Even though you may not yet be conscious of it, you have already made your decision. Take a good look at all you have stated in your discussion. It seems to me that you have decided to go into a senior living environment, for yourself and your family. Trust your instincts. Peace and Love.
Sorry about the loss of your husband and all the problems you have going on. It sounds as if you have wonderful children, though!
My answer to your question is a resounding "YES". My husband and I moved 6 hours from our home to be closer to our 3 children. We decided to move into a senior living community because of my husband's medical issues and our desire not to have our children have to take care of us.
We are the youngest on our campus and are in the independent living area (R is 70 and I am 67), but we have made wonderful friends in the year we have been here. There is always someone to talk with, about your grief, children/grandchildren, memories or anything you can think of. There are so many things to do (although right now they are fewer), trips, card games, crafts, exercise classes, clubs, the list goes on. You can do as much, or as little, as you wish.
If you need help, there is always someone around, which is very comforting. And most places I have seen have emergency call buttons. Because we live on a campus with a continuum of care, there is always a nurse close by. Most places will take you to appointments, to the drug store, etc., have a hair salon and other amenities.
Pet-friendly is the way to go! And there will always be someone will to help with your dog, if you need it.
The luxury of being somewhere where you do not have to take care of things, drive, clean, or cook is wonderful. And knowing that your children do not have to worry about, or take care of, you is fantastic!
The only downside we have found is that there are a few people we don't get along with (normal). We are polite when we see them but otherwise we don't associate with them and everything works out.
I hope things go well with you and that you find peace. Stay safe.
we chose an independent living facility, dementia and seriously ill people are in another area so we do not interact with them.
Ours is called a “Continuing Care Retirement Community “, which means that you are as independent as you like, can drive, can come and go as you please. However, there are meals provided as well as Transportation, wellness support, activities and social interactions.
If and when you may need more assistance, it is there. The key words are, “continuing care”.
If you choose this, look to see that you are comfortable with the people who live there, what kind of activities do they provide, what exactly are the services? Housecleaning, meal service, menus, wellness support.
There is a trade off, no question about it. It is not your place, you need to down size, it is their agenda, but you have fewer responsibilities
and, yes, most likely, you can keep a dog.
It’s a tough decision . Make a list of what you see as the pros and cons. Sometimes it is simply a matter of accepting the fact that our bodies are no longer up to the task of being alone.
best wishes
I was thinking of a small senior apartment, but ended up going with a life care community where I start in independent living and receive increasing care as needed. The cost is more and my children will end up with less finances, but all family lives out of town and they said they'd rather I made my own choices before being incapacitated than having them make those decisions for me. Both my parents ended up in dementia care at the end of their lives.
If you're overwhelmed now this will simplify your life, especially not having to find good help as needed,
Independent living residents have more freedom during this pandemic, but folks in assisted living and nursing care are restricted.
- Call; speak to admissions
- Track calls, names, ph #, date of call and follow-up need-situation.
TRY THE TWO COLUMN PLUSES AND MINUES
Stay at home . . . . Move to elder residential housing
Either have a social worker or family member assist you in asking the right questions . at RETIREMENT homes. While we, here, can offer support and suggestions, you will need to call facilities / elder residential housing and speak with admissions.
* Amenities - what are they and how many would you use
* Check Public Health Records - any citations?
* Ask admissions for referrals and/or talk to some residents (at least three)
* Ask about levels of care - nursing? social workers on site?
* Availability - when
* Make appt to visit - have someone you trust with you
* Have someone w/you when signing paperwork/contracts
This will also put you in a place where visits from family will be real visits, meals, outings instead of trying to complete a checklist of tasks that need to be done. If you are overwhelmed where you are, others who try to help you may be overwhelmed as well trying to keep up with tasks that must be done.
The best part of your question is that you have asked the question. At least you are open to moving and simplifying your life. Other families deal with parents and grandparents who are resistant to even considering a change making it much more difficult for the family to provide the care and duties that increase over time. Bless you as you make this decision.
I was fortunate to find a senior living apartment. One bedroom, 1 bath with shower, living room, kitchenette with stove and a small screened porch. I'm forty minutes from my son. One meal a day (lunch) rides to doctors and shopping to different stores. And, they also welcome animals!
I wish you well. I feel I've been blessed.
Wishing you the very best, happy times, new wonderful friendships and a beautiful home that is perfect for you and your little dog. Good Luck.
If you decide to start investigating...ask lots of questions...is there someone there at night? Ask to have a meal or 2. what's the amount of housekeeping they offer? how does it smell when you walk in and walk around inside? Odors turned me away from a couple of places I visited. Ask for a peek into the kitchen. Start making a list of the questions you have and take it with you when you visit.
I wish you the best in your search and your journey. I still have days when I'd give a lot to be back in my house, but, being a rational woman, I know I'm right where I belong.
My 90 friend is doing this with the help of 1 of her daughters 1 day a month. She is making stacks at the front door of items clearly marked where they are going.
Can you enlist the help of your family to bring you items and you tell them where it goes? You need to be ready to get rid of "stuff" and only keep the bear minimum. Otherwise you will just be wasting time. This is the hardest part, seeing things that have some good memories and not being able to keep them. Women's shelters are always looking for household goods and clothing to help women start over, so please do not throw items away because you have no use and your family doesn't want it.
Best of luck getting rid of the stuff and finding your new home.
I wish you many warm and lovely days with your family and pouch in your next chapters.
I will begin renovating a small cottage near me for my mom shortly..... It will be my place down the road.
I have a kitchen to cook in if I want to, but never need to. Meals are generally OK, sometimes quite good. No outdoor chores or home maintenance to pay for or think about. But I can get help with household stuff if I need it. Plenty of people to talk to if I feel like it and regular calendar of social events. I've had some health problems, including a few falls. Surgery took care of major problems, but I can get immediate help at the touch of a button day or night if needed.
CAUTION, Just be sure you check thoroughly ALL the expenses of living anywhere you move to. Some services offered are not automatically included and the extra fees for them can be substantial. Be sure you ASK. Also expect regular, usually annual, rent increases. I used to drive when I first made the move, but now I cannot. Transportation for shopping, church and doctors is free (but on a schedule). Be sure to check on this as well.
1 - Ask you children and grandchildren to come and help you declutter. I bet at least one of them is a compulsive organizer and another may have a flair for interior design. Go through 1 room at a time. Donate whatever you don't need: to your family, to friends, or to a charitable organization (get those donation receipts for taxes). The idea is to streamline down to whatever truly gives you pleasure, is useful, and makes life easier.
2 - Ask a tech savvy family member to help you with establishing online bill payments and automatic payments. You won't have to remember who to pay and when. If you are nervous about this, start with payments that are always the same amounts. You can see that the payments are made by checking your bank statements online - or ask that tech savvy family member to do so for you.
3 - Ask a grandchild or 2 or 3 to come clean your home and yard on a weekly basis for a little cash. Write a simple agreement that states when they will come, the work they will do, and the amount they will be paid. Bonuses: you get to see them weekly and your place looks amazing!
4 - Ask a family member to take you grocery shopping. I know that grocery deliveries are available but you need more "people interactions" in your week. Please make sure to wear a good face mask, wash your hands, and social distance. Bonuses: a little exercise, a little time socializing, and you get to pick the best produce.
5 - Ask a reliable child to go with you to see a lawyer that specializes in elder law. Make out your will, your financial power of attorney, your medical power of attorney, living will and any other legal documents that will help your family care for you.
6 - Get a doctor appointment, now. You are experiencing pain that is making it hard to live comfortably. Yes, you will need to wear a face mask and wait in a car until your doctor is ready. Please write a little diary until your appointment of the pain you feel daily: when, where is it, on scale of 1-10 how bad is it, what does it feel like, and if anything makes it better. He/she can prescribe medications, physical therapy (which can come to the house), and any aides like splints, walker... While you are at it, explain your difficulties with being isolated. You may have a touch of depression which is totally understandable and totally treatable.
Most of these ideas will take about 6 months to give a good trial. If they help, you may not need to move at all. If you still feel like you wish to move to assisted living, there are some facts you need to understand. People in all types of residential facilities are isolated from each other. Most are not permitting visitors of any kind = more social isolation. It will be more expensive than living in your current home. You will be giving up a lot of freedom to make decisions.
My grandmother successfully lived to 98 years old (1 month shy of 99). She lived in her own home until she was 92. She moved in with my mother and paid my mom to be her caregiver. They were a good fit for those 7 years. Gram had severe arthritis in her hands and knees. She also had a bad heart and developed some Alzheimer's disease the last few years - just a bit forgetful and repeating the same stories. She had a good quality of life. Praying you can have the same as well.
If you choose to explore this, be very, very prepared for the 'cliques' of old.
One suggestion might be to find a small apartment in a managed property and avail yourself of community resources for activities and volunteer opportunities. Look for an area with an outstanding public/handicap public transportation system. Then you can come and go as you wish without dealing with the mean girls. Mean girls grow up to be very mean old women who sadly have nothing in their lives but to make everyone else miserable.
Life is too short, to have your golden years be tainted. Best of luck!!!