I am 80 & a widow for 8 mos—took care of husband since 2012 the same year I had back pain & had to use a cane—I also took care of my dog with kidney disease till he died—under all this stress had high BP, bowel removed due to infection, breast CA, many hospitalizations—now I feel like the house (one story) is closing in on me there is so much ‘stuff’ that I can’t organize due to severe back & leg pain when standing—my husband took care of majority of bills & now it’s all on me & sometimes I feel overwhelmed—my grandkids got me another small dog (8 yo) & he is a joy; he makes me get up & dressed to take him for a walk each day. I feel living in a smaller place (that would accept a dog) would be better for me & my kids. They have their own families & houses & bills & they come & fix things around the house, mow, shovel snow. I feel my back is getting worse by the day & maybe I would be less stressed & so would they if I went into elderly housing. What do you all think? Pros & cons? I am also dealing with grief of my husbands death & since Covid there hasn’t been any face to face group meetings only online. I don’t do well talking online or just reading about grief by myself—I need to see the people who have gone thru it in person —I found this site when I was caring for husband & it helped me a lot with all the answers given to my questions so I hope y’all can help me with this decision—thanks in advance!
ive had long term insurance for years and so have been checking out some places tho i dont need any yet. I do think the time has come for you to look around a little since youve got the time. So thats all i’ll talk to you about.
it’s really nice now that places will allow pets.
this sounds really weird but im actually looking forward to going to a facility and having someone clean for me and fix meals, have games and movies, take van rides, and still give me some private times.
i suggest visiting the facilities in your area and even a short distance away if nothing satisfactory is close. Have a meal. Talk to residents. Ask if you can go to activity or two.
personally i want to go directly to assisted living. I dont see any sense in independent living for myself since i have a house.
Something else too to ask is when the time comes if you can remain in your apartment/room with hospice visits or do you have to go to a nursing home. The place im interested says it will allow me to remain there.
now, sadly for me, is persuading my husband that moving someday is a good idea. He is adamant about remaining at home and it saddens me that i may need to leave him behind.
will a facility turn out to be as “wonderful” as they try to make it sound? I can only hope. I think it would be better than living in a house and waiting for meals in wheels even with a pet ... and husband in my case ... and just sitting around with virtually nothing to do and no way to get someplace. And I hope im healthy enough enough to enjoy it without having to wait too long and then not be eligible and have to go directly to skilled.
But I think you're right, and I think that once you can conserve your energy for activities you enjoy - as opposed to being stressed by the burdens of home ownership and coping alone - you'll find that your physical health actually improves. What a sensible lady you are!
There are senior move specialists who can also help you decide what to take and what to get rid of. They pack, move it and unpack it which lightens the burden.
He lived at an assisted living that was VERY good. Very well staffed, good food, kind staff, movies, van to shopping centers, library, etc every week, activities. He had two rooms, So. Cal, ran him 4,000 for two room and beginning level of care (meaning basically self caring).
My answer to you is "Yes, you should BUT....." He was there, I am closer at 78, and you are a bit inbetween us.
If you can afford Assisted living you should consider this, but know that more and more people are in Assisted Living because they already suffer some mental impairment, often a good deal of physical. At my bro's table (for meal times) two women very "with it" and four others quite impaired. I was his POA and did his bills etc per his request.
Another "but " would be that you may not yet need that cost and that level of care; you may thrive in an Independent community.
If you are not there you are closing in and mostly physically, which is what I think "takes us there". Much better to begin explorations and to choose on your own.
For now be certain you have ALL wills, trusts, and POA in place. That is for doing NOW at once, if not already done.
Wishing you luck. We all get here. I hope financially you are left with choices.
Unfortunately, my Mom passed away last September on the 14th which was kind of fast considering she would not allow anyone to help care for her, even to help us care for her, in her own home. She really was too much for my sister lifting her and I really could not do that so she was angry with me. My sister learned that when she could not even go to her appointments for melanoma in situ, probably brought on from stress I assume. It is so awesome that you are thinking forward and not set in cement that you want absolutely no changes to your current place in life. I offered to purchase a nice adjustable bed from Macy’s for Mom , but she did not want it as it could not accommodate her bedroom set’s furniture, CA king. She did not want to participate In physical therapy as she did not like to exercise. I tried to explain to her that if she ever needed a Hoyer lift , it could Not fit in Her bedroom. It made it incredibly difficult to try to help her as she wanted to be the boss and we tried our best to let her have her wish on that. I think it hindsight, I did not realize that she could not have all her wishes met as she was intermittently not 100% thinking clearly. That is what confused me so much as often she was ! I did not know enough about aging changes. But at least she did not have to go through the ordeals of COVID-19! But I do wish I could have conveyed to her how
much I loved her and appreciated all she had done for me all my life before she passed away, a day I was at work. She seemed to resent I did not drop everything in my life including my own family to help her. I have so much guilt about that, but I could never do what my sister did to be available to her 24/7 and not sleep at night with her wanting to get up to go to the restroom or commode multiple times. I wish I could have helped her and my own family responsibilities too at the same time, but that could not happen and I knew that. I need minimum of six hours of sleep per night and I need to help my special needs daughter who sometimes is more with it than my husband!
it has been almost one year now without Mom here, but I still am very sad and wishes I could have found better solutions. She passed days after her 89th Birthday and had often said she should not be around as her mother passed I her 50s. I never met her mom, my grandma nor her dad, my grandpa. I am way past 50, but I feel young and blessed to have my special needs daughter who almost has her associates degree at our loca junior college. It has helped me be forward thinking and up on many things I would not be otherwise.
If you have a computer, I would think about scanning into the computer the papers that you want to keep but don't really want to store. I have also scanned in all the photos from the old photo albums. I find that watching a slide show on my computer is better for me than going through the old albums. I gave the albums to my children. A friend also took photos of her old home and the sets of china she determined would not fit into her small AL suite. Take photos of everything that you shared with your husband in happy times and arrange them into digital slide shows. If you are not familiar with this process, ask a grandchild to help you. Even though I am still enjoying taking care of my home and gardens, I still take a lot of pleasure in looking at the digital slide shows I have made of my previous homes. It is a fine way to keep what you no longer have and revisit those earlier projects and happy times.
For me, the decision to move will be based on my ability and willingness to maintain my home and gardens in the way that I want them. For a while I had a couple of women come in once a month to do the heavy housework. I had to let them go when the pandemic came, but I will hire them again when it is safe. I also hire a man to help in the gardens. Having a little help makes the work a bit lighter and makes my life in my home more pleasant. Think about what might make your home feel better again.
I suspect, though, that 8 months is long enough that you do know that it is time to move on. Take your time in selecting a place that will keep you interested and engaged. If possible, find a place with nice views from the windows so that when you are having a slow day you can sit at the window and drink a cup of tea and be happy with the view. As much as you can, find a little joy in wrapping up your life in your home as you also explore the comforts of your new home. Do include your children and grandchildren in this process so that your eventual move will be satisfying. I say "eventual" because you may have to wait for an available apartment and you want to take your time sorting through your things, choosing what to take, what to bestow on others and which things should be donated to charity or thrown out. Your children, grandchildren, even nieces and nephews may be thrilled to get some of your old treasures. They will also help you to be less alone as you contemplate this move.
Bless you, and good luck finding a place that will be a nice, new home for you that will give you peace and a new sense of companionship with your new neighbors.
until their health declined. Their community has many amenities and a van to do scheduled runs to grocery, and other activities. Consult a financial advisor or a family member you can trust to go over your accounts. The rent is high at some of these communities. Take a scheduled tour at several places. Sounds like you do need a change and the house is too much.
I would go to www.nelf.org and try to find a certified elder law attorney that has a tax partner.
The option I would choose is a Senior place where I wojld have my own apartment not in a home.
you would be able to make and have new friends and people around to visit.
There are very nice places that offer all kinds of things at the place as well as eating in the dining hall if you prefer not cooking and having games, ect for people living there.
Having a smaller one bedroom apartment along with your dog woukd make things much easier for you.
Im sure one of your children would love to go with you to check out a few places and it's always nice to see and talk to a couple residents living there to get their point of view.
You might try to keep your house for a few months in case you decide you want to move back.
You also could hire someone to come a few hours once or twice a week to help you with things.
Firstly, my condolences for the loss of your dear husband as well as your pup. You are right, this is a hard time for grief. Folks are having to deal with it feeling isolated because of this pandemic.
When my father passed away, I remember some wise words that were written to my mother which were “don’t do anything major for a year”.
You are coming up on that landmark so it is good that you have started your thought processes. I think moving to a smaller home, in a senior community, might be a good idea for you if that’s what you feel like you need to do. I suggest you do the legwork, as much as you can with this pandemic, and start looking at places to see if they feel like they are calling your name.
Maybe you could start by going through one drawer at a time at your house and weed through the papers and all the stuff that we accumulate through life, that way when you pick the right place, it won’t be as overwhelming to you. Big plus here, it will give you some goals and some thing to pass your time.
I want to assure you that you will get through this and you will be able to enjoy life again. Continue on the path that you are thinking of right now, just don’t be in a hurry, you have plenty of time to do your research to pick the right place. And then that place will say WELCOME HOME.
If your current house is not accessible for a walker or wheelchair or if adaptations can not be made.
If you could not hire caregivers to come in, or did not want people in then moving to either Independent Living now and being able to transition to Assisted Living sounds perfect.
The difficult task is getting rid of all the “stuff” you have accumulated.
Start downsizing now. Ask family to help. Keep in mind that an AL you get one room, some have apts. That way you will only keep what you will need.
I suggest you talk to your PCP about your pain. There are pain management doctors that may help you in controlling it.
My ex-MIL, of whom I am very fond, quite recently went into a CCRC (continuous care retirement community) that has levels of care from Independent Living to Nursing Home care, including Memory Care.
She had been living alone with her dog, still driving (at 91) and her children and grandchildren were all pretty frantic about her. She fell a couple of times (luckily, a neighbor saw her as she was outdoors, not in); she had frequent doc appointments and it was clear that someone needed to go with her as she was known to minimize what the docs were telling her ("oh, I don't need this procedure; the docs are all exagerating....".
She finally assented to move about 8 months ago. It has been tough with the pandemic, but her unit has a door to the outside so that she can walk the dog and we all call and Facetime frequently. She was still driving; the other day, she suddenly realized that she couldn't see out of one eye; it was determined that she had a blockage in her cartotid artery that needed immediate tending to (one of those procedures she had turned down....). The docs said that under no conditions can she drive any longer, as she could have a similar event on the other side and be rendered blind while driving. She relucantly gave up the car.
All this is a round=about way of saying, yes, I think that you will be more content in a smaller place with more people around. Hopefully, you can find a place that has what is called "scheduled transportation" so that you can get to at least some of your appointments and do your shopping on your own. In my mother's IL place, there was fine geriatrician who had office hours on site.
I wish you healing and comfort and better days ahead.