I am retired and live with my husband of 35 years. Our 3 children are all married and we have 3 grandchildren (and one on the way). None of our children live close by and we are considering moving closer to our children (to another state) to help them with their growing families. However, that will mean we are 12 hours away from my mother who is 84, lives alone, and increasingly needs more help. (Currently we live just 2 hours from her). I really want to move closer to our children and they also want us to move. It will be a warmer climate and an exciting new start. But I do not want to live that far from my mother, and she will not want to move away from her friends and activities. I am looking for advise about this situation.
We can't and shouldn't live life by the "what if's" but one day at a time and handle situations as they arise. If mother WANTS to move, that's another story.
PS
From your profile
I am caring for my mother with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, heart disease, incontinence, and mobility problems.
Based on all of your mother's health issues, I change my answer to......see if you can get her to move into AL nearby to where you move. She's got entirely too many health issues to be living alone anywhere, imo, and needs to be where caregivers and nurses are there 24/7.
Me, I would check into AL near you, an if I moved her that might be an option.
Soon she will be unable to live alone.
I moved my parents near me almost 2 years ago when my dad’s dementia was really getting too much and my mom could no longer cope on her own with him. I won’t lie, it’s very hard some days. But I would be tearing my hair out if they were still 800 miles away.
She would not consider AL and even now, he is in home hospice because she will not consider MC for him. when he goes, it will only be a matter of time before she needs more help than I can give.
Of course plan for what you can, but try to avoid letting imagined scenarios have too much weight in the equation.
While it may be good to have a rough plan of what happens when your Mother is no longer able to live independantly, it is impossible to plan for every type of scenario.
Trust that you will find a way, if/when those decisions have to be made in a crises.
If your mother would like to move nearby to a nice small apartment, and that's what you would like also, that's great. But I would make it clear that the next move would be to assisted living where you could visit, perhaps go on outings and take her to appointments here and there, have the great grands visit. Such a choice would be up to her.
This encourages your mom to continue to live an independent life. And not to become dependent on you--but rather to know when she should join an independent living community.
Should you let her move in with you if you decide to encourage her to move with you? NO!!!
If and when the time comes when your mother requires more help and agrees to leave her friends and the life she knows, she can move to an assisted living facility near you or in the city where she's at now.
Your mother has lived her life the way she's wanted, so now it's time for you to do the same.
My dad moved out of state to be closer to my brother. It's what my brother wanted. However, when dad moved near him and he grew more ill, my brother didn't want to be bothered and they all resented me for staying in the same state. I wasn't coming down enough or staying long enough. No one understood that I worked and it got expensive.
Chapter II, my aunt moved to another state to be closer to her brother and his children after my mom passed. Again, the niece asked her to move to be closer to her and family. Aunt grew more ill, and again, they do not have time and want me to give up my life to be closer to aunt. Meanwhile, they all requested these moves, but realized it was more than they could handle and all the sudden the one who "seems" free and independent and luves far becomes the natural caregiver.
I say be careful what you ask for and know what you want so that you don't become resentful and bitter and upset with someone else who isn't closer when that loved one gets more dependent for help. Think about it.
You need to enjoy your grandchildren while they are small and you get that "bond". I have 2, 19 yrs apart. I took care of the oldest for 3 yrs while Mom finished school and then nursing school. At 3 he went to daycare but we had him when she worked. The second one I took care from 2 to 20 months. At that point my Mom, suffering from Dementia, came to live with us. I could not care for her and a 20 month old, too. So he was placed in Daycare. After 20 months of living with me I was able to place Mom. I took my then 3yr old grandson to visit her. She and the residents loved seeing him. I didn't have the youngest as much as I had the oldest because there is a Dad involved. My daughter lives 4 doors down. He comes to visit, looking for snacks, and even though we don't see him much, there is that bond.
My MIL chose to move 16 hrs away when her only grandchild living near her was 4. Who she really only saw when we took her over. We visited every couple of years when my girls were young. After my FIL died she would visit maybe 1x a year. Then complain that her granddaughter did not make over her. Well lady, she does not know you.
So, this is your time. Mom should not be the center of your world.
If it was me I just couldn't move from my mom. But that's just me. There is no wrong , no right, there is only what's right for you.
I moved to another state when my husband’s job ( the company ) moved him . My parents followed because my mother’s plan was for me to take care of them . She was unhappy in her new surroundings and blamed my husband . It was horrible. So NO , do not encourage your mother to move . You can tell her you are moving and invite her to live in an apartment near you followed by assisted living if / when she is ready . But do not forcefully encourage it . Leave it up to her for now if she’s making do on her own . Since it’s 12 hours away , when Mom needs help , then I would encourage she move to AL near you.
We are not moving my MIL near us , she will stay 4 hours away when she needs assisted living . She would not want to move away . I know that even suggesting it would be a mistake . I have an AL picked out already .
If your mother’s reluctance to move with you is ‘friends and activities’, remember that both will drop down progressively. ‘Friends’ of the same age get old themselves, stop coming and in fact some of them will die. After a while, my MIL had a 'friend' visit not much more than once a year. 'Activities’ often require transport which gets hard too. If M’s reluctance is about staying in her house, remember that will also get more difficult without a lot of input (whether paid or unpaid), requiring a fair bit of organisation. If there are younger family who would provide all that input, it might work out OK, but without that sort of help, your mother will not cope well on her own.
M’s ‘reluctance’ puts pressure on you to keep things just the way they are, which is the way she likes it. Except that ‘the way they are’ is not going to last too long anyway.
My suggestion is to do what you want to do. Make the offer to M, but don’t stress if she turns it down. If you force it, no-one will be happy. Wait until she has experience of living without your support, and then offer again. You may find that her reluctance has disappeared. The more you give in to what she wants, the longer it will take for her to realise that she is better off not trying to call all the shots.
So, we lived one freeway exit away. When our son was about 6, my in-laws moved 2000 miles to be here too. (We are in CA.)
In 2012 my dad passed, and I helped my mom for 2 years through that. My mom sunk into deep depression and became very apathetic about everything, but she hid how bad it was, until a year ago. (The pandemic did not help, either.) She is of the old thinking and does not believe in mental health treatment. Your FAMILY is there to get you through! Well, I'm a nurse, but not a mental health person, and when her dementia got so bad she was neglecting herself and her house, I put her in MC last Oct. She is down the street from my house. I would not have it any other way. Trying to care for someone long distance is futile, as you sometimes don't see everything when you're right there either! When her TV "quit working" we realized she had stopped paying her bills. When she fell and broke her arm and I went over every single day for 7 hrs, I realized sometimes she didn't know who I was.
I hated the idea of coming back to this small town when I was young, but it was necessary. But I have a very supportive husband and good son, and I think we would be happy wherever we wound up together. Our time will eventually come when my husband retires in a few years. We take out moments when we can in the meantime. You have to bloom where you're planted. Life is never easy, but it will be infinitely worse if you are far away when things get tough.
My son went to school down in the L.A. area, and he found out he didn't care for the big city. It's great to visit, but living there is harder, so he was happy to move back.
We have a lot of virtual communication choices to use to keep in touch with people far away now. You don't necessarily have to MOVE to be in people's life anymore. But you need to be near the ones you have to physically care for.
Compassionate and practical.
We may want to move.
We may want to provide care.
It just IS more practical to be closer when providing care tasks - so one of these must be chosen.
On one hand, 'bloom where you are planted' is a lovely concept.
On the other hand are missed opportunities.. People must choose to suit their own circumstances.