My mothers in a nursing home, and thinks people she sees on a daily basis are people she used to know many years ago. She will talk to them as if they were her old friends. My father died almost two years ago, and she acts like he's still alive. I keep correcting her and telling her that he's dead, and she will either say "Why can't I remember that" or she will disagree. I let her go on about seeing old friends,(that are dead) but don't feel right letting her think my fathers alive. If I try changing the subject, or don't answer her question, she persists. Should I keep correcting her, or just let her go on thinking what she does, and make up answers
There are some things that are very important, such as medications. Altered realities can include things like the doctor said they didn't have to take a medicine anymore, or that they could leave the NH tomorrow. Maybe in these circumstances we could just say the doctor changed his mind. But things like not remembering if a spouse or child is dead may be painful to deal with repeatedly. We have to decide when it is important to be truthful or better to go along with their reality.
I've often found myself wondering if maybe my own reality is way off. Maybe I've been spending too much time in the twilight zone where there is no absolute truth.
To give an amateur's summary of a highly technical professional area, the idea is that you go to meet her. So, supposing she says "that's Edna, our neighbour" when she's talking about the lady in the next room and Edna died twenty years ago. What you do is talk about the late Edna. And you can just leave it there, no harm done. Or, on a good day, you lead the conversation from Edna in the old days to what became of Edna, and then gently on to who the lady in the next room really is.
The thing about correcting your mother - well, there are several things. One is that she really can't remember. You can't train her to. So it's upsetting for both of you if you just remind her each time, and on top of that upsetting for your mother that she can have forgotten such a momentous fact. Again, go to meet her. Talk to her about your father, go along with her, and then lead her back to the present day.
The focus is on what makes your mother comfortable, first, and on maintaining her right to be in possession of important information second. It will do her no harm to live in the past; but the point is that you're right, it isn't right or respectful just to humour her if you can do better on a given day.
Avoid lying where you can, and avoid flat contradiction. You want a more Socratic approach to the subject. It's not easy. People train for years to become good at this. They're called "locksmiths" - I haven't checked, but you can probably look on line for training and education resources. I hope, maybe, you will feel much better about the whole horrible disease if you can get really good at handling it. You'll certainly do a heck of a lot to bring your mother comfort. Best of luck, please keep posting.
Will she remember if you tell her your father has died? Probably no.
Will she be hurt and sad if she understands he is dead? Probably yes.
Will it harm anyone if she thinks current people are old friends? Probably not, as long as they understand the situation, if they're medical professionals. If they're not, they might also be confused and/or may not understand. Will it hurt them? I'm not sure.
Is there any benefit to being honest with her when she doesn't understand or remember? Theoretically yes, but practically no.
I think I'd go along with what she says without introducing a reality which she no longer can understand. Make it easy on her.