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Your siblings should not be allowed to "Take her for visits" as you posted on another thread, not with stage 6 dementia at play! It's way too disorienting for mother to leave her home environment. As POA, YOU get to make the rules the siblings must abide by if they want to see their mother. So I'd allow supervised visits at home until and unless they cause upset to her by fighting with you. Then they leave and don't come back. You don't need to be in the room during the visits, but close by to insure there's no monkey business going on.
Its very unfortunate your siblings are acting in such a way because it hurts your mother in the long run.
Sorry, Faith. I know you are new here. But without knowing a bit more there is little help here to give you other than sympathizing and wishing you good luck. Can you answer a few questions for us?
You put this under Alzheimers, and the one thing you do tell us in your profile is that your 90 year old mom has dementia. 1. How long has your mother lived with you and do you live together in her home, or in your home? 2. Was your mother competent when she made you her POA? 3. Do you have a care contract for shared living expenses done with your mother when she was competent and able to make such an agreement? 4. Do you keep careful records of all money of your mother into and out of her accounts. Good accounting? 5. Can you tell us briefly what complaints your siblings have against you, and why they went to court?
Ty for your input, appreciate. Answers to your questions: Mother living with me for one year, living together, she has dementia, alzheimer, doctors state in writing incompetent, can't live alone, recommend nursing home; She was competent at signing of POA, with attorney; No care conteact; Excellent daily accounting and daily care; Siblings took mother to court to place her in assisted living/nursing home, obtain guardianship. Because mother signed POA over to me. Siblings narcistic, verbally abusive, jealousy, list continues, ongoing for years. I advised mother's sister, who they go to, they are to contact me for visits. If they refuse, their choice. I do 100% caregiving, no support or relief.
Faith51, I am wondering if your siblings see that your mother needs more care than you can provide OR they see you are burning out with trying to be her fulltime caregiver. There will come a point, and maybe your siblings have seen it, when mom is no longer safe in her home, even though you are there. The doctor recommends a nursing home. You should follow her doctor's advice.
Faith51 God bless you for your love and care for your Mom! Just from the few details you provided it seems that you are dealing with external drama from unhealthy siblings in addition to the heavylift of providing 24/7 care to your Mom. After living through a similar situation with my siblings and Mom for more than 3 years, I offer the following suggestions: 1. Please organize your Mom's medical records (clinicals) primary care doctor visit summaries, 12- 15 specialists visit summaries, hospital visit summaries, labs, imaging, PT/OT, Social worker ... in a medical binder and include a summary "person center care plan" highlighting the advocacy and treatments that serve Mom well in her journey and the support team you have built now and plan to include (Medicare provided hospice, aides in your home).Be detailed with her daily schedule and needs along with Dr. Visits, imaging, behaviors, events or falls triggering hospital visits etc.
2.Please review your journal and financial ledger ( I know you keep one) for dates and times of hours you've spent caring for Mom, transporting Mom, scheduling doctor visits, cleaning and shopping for mom, providing companionship for Mom. Incorporate notes of videos capturing Mom's care and her progress and decline. Include notes of 3rd party visitors to the home and any vital records, notes etc. about Mom's physical appearance, mental state etc. Then review the same journal and ledger for times and amounts of sibling contribution of physical, emotional and financial support to Mom's care and wellbeing, assisting with scheduling appointments, managing and assistance with stewardship of Mom's assets. Please also note Mom's positive or negative reaction to siblings visits, calls, let downs as a result of sibling's repeated no show, stress and trauma related to repeated APS or police wellness. Also, the dates and times the siblings show up (aside from phone call and email noise making) to help, visit, attend doctor visits. 3. After the journal, financial ledgers (download bank and credit card statements in QB and categorize) and medical binder's are organized... Please schedule a consultation or two with an elder law attorney to review the POA for validity related to reasonable expenses, handling of financial transactions and medical decisions. If all of the above (Medical records, legal review of POA and journal of care and finances) support the doctor's recommendation to place Mom in a nursing home, then contact your siblings to propose the best nursing home and visitation there at the facility. Meet with the Executive Director at the nursing facility to review your care plan and maintain your role as POA in order to advocate for Mom. In my case, the AL/Memory Care facilities were not a good fit and after siblings visited, Mom's care was disrupted to the point of her being discharged or transferred to behavioral centers resulting in heavy medication and loss of mobility rendering her bedridden. Doctor's agree that it is best for Mom to remain at home with me. 4. Establish support for YOU and Mom through churches, grants, respite care, volunteers and services to allow you to stay strong, healthy and happy. It is impossible for you to provide 24/7 care without help.
Ok so the question is do your relatives believe your mother needs 24/7 care and feel you can’t give that is there looking totally unbiased at this any reason for them to be worrying that your mother is left alone at any time- do they have justified fears need to answer that honestly if there are real fears then let’s address The impact on you also looking after your mother and reasons for not having your mother in assisted care. maybe they have concerns that need addressing/re-assuring are they offering to help with care
if that’s not the case then stick to what you’re doing and all contact via legal arrangements. If they are acting in spite then they may just use the opportunity to criticise you to your mother which coujd just confuse and upset her not easy when you’re trying to do your best and having what looks like people fighting against you try and take a step back and see if they have any real concerns
Faith51, you’re a hero to your mom. I’m sending you lots of love, hugs and wisdom. Lots of TLC to you, and your mom. Surround yourself with good, safe, and stable people. There’s not that many of them, but, God sends the right people like Angels in the time of need. Take care of yourself too! Sending you love, thoughts, and prayers for you, and your mom❤️🙏💞
Faith51: As POA, you make the decisions for your mother's care. How absurd that your siblings took your mother to court, as she suffers from Alzheimer's.
I don't think that they "took the mother to court" in the usually understood meaning of that expression. From what the OP states, the siblings went to court to obtain Guardianship, as they believe that the mum should be in AL or suitable care facility.
The OP's reading of this action is that they are jealous and narcissistic. Without any other details explaining why she feels this way, it's difficult to tell why the siblings went to the expense of court proceedings to take over the hassle of managing their mum's care.
Faith, I didn't read what others say, because sometimes a fresh perspective is better. I'm not POA, I take care of mom and average of 3 days a week , my brother is poa and is at moms 2 weekends a month.
I'm just going to tell you my issue with my brother, may not relate to your store or there might be some similarities.
I don't hate my brother, I don't believe in hating people. But I will say I'm looking forward to the day I can have him out of my life, that will only be after mom passes, and will be horrible sad, but there will be some good. That I'll never have to think about him again.
His lack of communication is the worst. I never know what weekend he is coming, what weekend he isn't coming. So I can't make plans , because I like to be around when he is not there for the weekend. He won't tell me.
He acts like he knows everything, when honestly he knows next to nothing, about dementia, aging or really mom at all. I'm with her most but have no power to do anything. He refuses to even think at 88 she might have dementia, she shouldnt be alone at all. He doesn't care. But to mom he walks in the room and I swear I here the song " how great thou art " playing in the clouds. She shouldnt not be alone! But my hands are tied!
I don't know much of your story, but maybe thinking about the way my brother treats me. As for him being the boss, the favorite, and I'm Cinderella, Im not told anything about anything, have no say about anything.
I don't know your store, but what would help me not want my brother outta my life for good, would be more communication, understand that I'm not stupid, and I do know stuff, and to work with me. Listen to me talk to me. When I say mom has dementia, ask me why I think that, don't just say no, laugh it of and walk away, and act like he is God.
I don't know if that helps you at all . But I do know this is hard! This is really hard emotionally, mentally and physically.
You are all going through the same thing, understand that it's hard for them to not just for you. You are all going through it. My story my not relate to yours at all.thos is the hardest thing we will ever do. So hang in there. Before joining this forum I was hanging in there by a very frayed thread. Now I got support and re growing my thread into maybe a yarn.
I'm not sure why you don't want siblings to visit their mom, unless they are upsetting her. Don't you need some respite from 24/7 care? People understandably assume that there are financial issues in play- are there? Sometimes a POA will try and preserve assets that they are expecting to come to them, and assisted living is expensive. I'm not saying that is you, but people may think it
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Its very unfortunate your siblings are acting in such a way because it hurts your mother in the long run.
Good luck to you.
Can you answer a few questions for us?
You put this under Alzheimers, and the one thing you do tell us in your profile is that your 90 year old mom has dementia.
1. How long has your mother lived with you and do you live together in her home, or in your home?
2. Was your mother competent when she made you her POA?
3. Do you have a care contract for shared living expenses done with your mother when she was competent and able to make such an agreement?
4. Do you keep careful records of all money of your mother into and out of her accounts. Good accounting?
5. Can you tell us briefly what complaints your siblings have against you, and why they went to court?
Answers to your questions:
Mother living with me for one year, living together, she has dementia, alzheimer, doctors state in writing incompetent, can't live alone, recommend nursing home;
She was competent at signing of POA, with attorney;
No care conteact;
Excellent daily accounting and daily care;
Siblings took mother to court to place her in assisted living/nursing home, obtain guardianship. Because mother signed POA over to me. Siblings narcistic, verbally abusive, jealousy, list continues, ongoing for years.
I advised mother's sister, who they go to, they are to contact me for visits. If they refuse, their choice. I do 100% caregiving, no support or relief.
God bless you for your love and care for your Mom! Just from the few details you provided it seems that you are dealing with external drama from unhealthy siblings in addition to the heavylift of providing 24/7 care to your Mom. After living through a similar situation with my siblings and Mom for more than 3 years, I offer the following suggestions:
1. Please organize your Mom's medical records (clinicals) primary care doctor visit summaries, 12- 15 specialists visit summaries, hospital visit summaries, labs, imaging, PT/OT, Social worker ... in a medical binder and include a summary "person center care plan" highlighting the advocacy and treatments that serve Mom well in her journey and the support team you have built now and plan to include (Medicare provided hospice, aides in your home).Be detailed with her daily schedule and needs along with Dr. Visits, imaging, behaviors, events or falls triggering hospital visits etc.
2.Please review your journal and financial ledger ( I know you keep one) for dates and times of hours you've spent caring for Mom, transporting Mom, scheduling doctor visits, cleaning and shopping for mom, providing companionship for Mom. Incorporate notes of videos capturing Mom's care and her progress and decline. Include notes of 3rd party visitors to the home and any vital records, notes etc. about Mom's physical appearance, mental state etc. Then review the same journal and ledger for times and amounts of sibling contribution of physical, emotional and financial support to Mom's care and wellbeing, assisting with scheduling appointments, managing and assistance with stewardship of Mom's assets. Please also note Mom's positive or negative reaction to siblings visits, calls, let downs as a result of sibling's repeated no show, stress and trauma related to repeated APS or police wellness. Also, the dates and times the siblings show up (aside from phone call and email noise making) to help, visit, attend doctor visits.
3. After the journal, financial ledgers (download bank and credit card statements in QB and categorize) and medical binder's are organized... Please schedule a consultation or two with an elder law attorney to review the POA for validity related to reasonable expenses, handling of financial transactions and medical decisions.
If all of the above (Medical records, legal review of POA and journal of care and finances) support the doctor's recommendation to place Mom in a nursing home, then contact your siblings to propose the best nursing home and visitation there at the facility. Meet with the Executive Director at the nursing facility to review your care plan and maintain your role as POA in order to advocate for Mom.
In my case, the AL/Memory Care facilities were not a good fit and after siblings visited, Mom's care was disrupted to the point of her being discharged or transferred to behavioral centers resulting in heavy medication and loss of mobility rendering her bedridden. Doctor's agree that it is best for Mom to remain at home with me.
4. Establish support for YOU and Mom through churches, grants, respite care, volunteers and services to allow you to stay strong, healthy and happy. It is impossible for you to provide 24/7 care without help.
is there looking totally unbiased at this any reason for them to be worrying that your mother is left alone at any time- do they have justified fears
need to answer that honestly
if there are real fears then let’s address The impact on you also looking after your mother and reasons for not having your mother in assisted care.
maybe they have concerns that need addressing/re-assuring
are they offering to help with care
if that’s not the case then stick to what you’re doing and all contact via legal
arrangements. If they are acting in spite then they may just use the opportunity to criticise you to your mother which coujd just confuse and upset her
not easy when you’re trying to do your best and having what looks like people fighting against you
try and take a step back and see if they have any real concerns
A POA is there to look after mom’s best interest.
The OP's reading of this action is that they are jealous and narcissistic. Without any other details explaining why she feels this way, it's difficult to tell why the siblings went to the expense of court proceedings to take over the hassle of managing their mum's care.
I'm just going to tell you my issue with my brother, may not relate to your store or there might be some similarities.
I don't hate my brother, I don't believe in hating people. But I will say I'm looking forward to the day I can have him out of my life, that will only be after mom passes, and will be horrible sad, but there will be some good. That I'll never have to think about him again.
His lack of communication is the worst. I never know what weekend he is coming, what weekend he isn't coming. So I can't make plans , because I like to be around when he is not there for the weekend. He won't tell me.
He acts like he knows everything, when honestly he knows next to nothing, about dementia, aging or really mom at all. I'm with her most but have no power to do anything. He refuses to even think at 88 she might have dementia, she shouldnt be alone at all. He doesn't care. But to mom he walks in the room and I swear I here the song " how great thou art " playing in the clouds. She shouldnt not be alone! But my hands are tied!
I don't know much of your story, but maybe thinking about the way my brother treats me. As for him being the boss, the favorite, and I'm Cinderella, Im not told anything about anything, have no say about anything.
I don't know your store, but what would help me not want my brother outta my life for good, would be more communication, understand that I'm not stupid, and I do know stuff, and to work with me. Listen to me talk to me. When I say mom has dementia, ask me why I think that, don't just say no, laugh it of and walk away, and act like he is God.
I don't know if that helps you at all . But I do know this is hard! This is really hard emotionally, mentally and physically.
You are all going through the same thing, understand that it's hard for them to not just for you. You are all going through it. My story my not relate to yours at all.thos is the hardest thing we will ever do. So hang in there. Before joining this forum I was hanging in there by a very frayed thread. Now I got support and re growing my thread into maybe a yarn.
Best of luck , hold in there
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