I have asked repeatedly for information (medical, financial, etc) concerning dementia parent. Offered to "help out" with parent. Sibiling has refused all requests. Even hired a personal friend to care for parent when they left town for a few days, instead of allowing me to care for parent. Sibiling even TRIES to tell me what not to talk to parent about. Wants me to inform them of my possible visits to parent. Every time I ask questions, or offer help, sibiling just states "I have it handled" or just ignores me. Never answers my questions. Is there anything I can do to make him give me and my other sibilings the requested information? I don't care whos in charge of what when it comes to my parent, but I am extreamly concerned of the sibilings lack of transparency concerning my parent. What can I do? What type of atty do I need to find?
But at the same time I know if I did, at least one of my sibs would be helping herself to Dad's hard earned savings. You just can't win!!
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"But at the same time I know if I did, at least one of my sibs would be helping herself to Dad's hard earned savings. You just can't win!!"
And then this bit:
"we all sit down and try to talk it out, we've done that and the hostility I felt was so thick you could cut it with a knife."
Anything strike you about those two sentences??!! Believe me, I do understand, and I do sympathise with how you feel. But I'm smiling, and in a way I'm laughing at myself.
The thing is, breaking down this horrible brambly overgrowth of mistrust and defensiveness is terribly difficult and takes more - I'm not sure how to put it. It takes a conscious, deliberate and often HUGE effort of generousness and candour, at just the time when you least feel like offering your siblings those qualities.
The thing is, if you look at it from the, er, more casually-minded sister's point of view, what if she suspects you in turn of "helping yourself"? I sometimes tell myself that every gripe and moan and evil suspicion I entertain about my mean/useless/uncaring/waste of space siblings (respectively - not all at once!) is probably felt in reverse by them. Well, I know I'm not guilty! - what if they're not, either?
My sister didn't want me to have HPOA for my mother because she was anxious that it would give me some leverage over the finances (no, it wouldn't; and as it happened I was too late anyway - but that was what she feared). Now the thing is, that she and my brother have joint FPOA so theoretically they watch each other, yes? Yeah right. My brother couldn't give a hang, and would never ask my sister to account for the money. As it happens, I would be extremely surprised if she has ever put a penny out of place - but it crosses my mind, occasionally. She could, if she wanted to. Offshore account. Quick sleight of hand with an investment. Nobody's checking… (yet).
What would make me happy would be a monthly statement. It would take her milliseconds to do, I know she's got the basis drawn up because she lives in terror of audit by the Office of the Public Guardian, and… well. It would be polite. And inclusive. And then when mother worries about how she's going to pay for things (about four times a week) I could just shove the numbers under her nose and say look Sis has it all under control.
Anyway. All I mean is that the ill-feeling can feed itself. Anything you can do to break it down is probably worth the effort; and candour - minding out for breach of confidence, which is a different matter altogether and I'm glad to see you're wise to it - is perhaps a good place to start. Best of luck. In my family my sister and I are approaching a less hideously stressful modus operandi but it's taken eighteen months and we weren't fond of each other to start with.
I saw a birthday card once that read "Families are like chocolates. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts." Tchah!
Families are like chocolates. Best for your health when enjoyed in very small doses - if you ask me.
In most loving, functional families, siblings do have civil conversations and share at least general information. "Dad has enough money for about three years of nursing home care, if it comes to that. Dad's health seems good enough right now to stay where he is with lots of help." Not the specific details, maybe, but general information so that everyone shares a view of Dad. Why this is not happening in your family is hard to say. Are you demanding more specific details? Are you being critical of your sibling's caretaking decisions? Are there some childhood issues getting in the way of a mature relationship among you?
If you are refusing to take the caregiver's advice about what topics to avoid and every time you "help" Dad winds up upset for two days, I can understand why the caregiver would rather handle things himself. You want caregiver to cooperate with you, but it doesn't sound you are willing to cooperate with him.
Why would you object to the simple courtesy of informing the caregiver/POA when you will be visiting? Does he then try to stop you? What is the real issue here?
I am not sure of what kind of attorney you need. It doesn't sound like POA is breaking any laws. Maybe what you need is some family counseling, to learn how to work together on your father's behalf.
As CountryMouse asks, is Dad living alone? Where are the other siblings? Is the primary caregiver married? More information might help you get more specific answers.
Help me understand the relationship between and emily10695, please.
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