My mom was living in horrible (really nasty) conditions at my nephews basement. She was also being ignored and taken advantage of financially.Over a 3-year period, she received over $100,000 in SS payments, but her bank account only increased by $600. My brother and I decided to move her to my home.
I have expressed to all 4 of my siblings that I NEED them to take our mom for "just one day" just to give me a break. Everyone said they would, but no one has in 5 months. My mom is incontinent, my house always smells like pee even tho she is wearing pullups now, I do her laundry, clean up after her, cook, buy groceries, help her in and out of the shower, etc. She makes noises when she moves like she hurts, but says she doesn't and won't go to a doctor.
My brother also said he and mom were going to open a savings acct where he would deposit his house payments to her, and he wanted me to put my name on the acct so that it would take 3 signatures to take any money out. In less than 5 months of living with me her original account has more than doubled, and the money in the new savings acct has not been touched, so it is increasing rapidly. My brother then told me that whenever mom passes the savings would be mine for taking care of mom. I said I wasn't comfortable with that, as it would be a large sum. Since my telling my other siblings of the new acct, one sibling has been screaming that HER name should be on the new acct., too. I explained to her that the acct was for any emergency that may arise regarding mom, and that she is almost impossible to contact (they travel a lot) in case we needed her signature.
This sibling visited me and mom a month ago for less than one day. She took mom to lunch (mom paid), and she took mom to the bank and tried to get mom to put her name on her account! Mom refused. My sibling brought mom home and left.
NOW, this sibling is accusing me of not doing anything for mom. She is saying mom's sheets needed washed, her bathroom needed cleaned, and that she didn't see that mom was any trouble for me at all! She is saying mom can do everything for herself and that I am lying. These are only a few of the many accusations. Still screaming about the savings acct, and saying I'm "controlling mom's money so I'll get it all, " she says she'll take mom for a month and make her be more active, make her go to a doctor, cook and clean, etc. Mom does not want to go.
I'm concerned about these accusations and what problems could arise from them. I'm at a very high stress level with all I have to do and going to college at age 52 to be a nurse. Do I ignore my sibling? Do I respond? What happens with either scenario?
As to response to the accusations, in what manner are they being made? Are they verbal or written to you, or to Adult Protective Services, law enforcement?
How often are these accusations made?
What you might do is literally throw the situation back in her face. Take preemptive action. (I always liked the motto ("Eyes on the olive branch, arrows at the ready.")
You wrote that you've requested help but it hasn't been forthcoming. This would only be my way of handling a similar situation, and every individual is different.
But I would list all the things you do, things that need to be done, and create a respite schedule. Send it to the complaining sibling as well as the others who don't participate; copy your sibling who's been cooperative on the financial issue so he's aware of what's going on.
Ask the nonparticipatory siblings to let you know when you can expect them to come and provide respite, clean, shop, do laundry and/or other things that need to be done. I doubt they'll respond, but keep after them. Document their responses (or lack thereof).
Just to put the complaining sibling on the spot, as she's doing to you, ask when she can come to address any or all of the issues that allegedly concern her, such as washing sheets and cleaning the bathroom. It wouldn't hurt to be persistent, but just don't get aggressive.
This is a gamble because she might actually come and do it with the goal of finding more fault with you, but you know her better than we do and from your description I doubt if she'll volunteer to do any work at all.
Keep copies of all your e-mails, log phone calls, and any contact with the nonparticipatory siblings. And keep the documentation in a safe place that can't be accessed by them if they actually do come.
In the past, whether it's at work or in other venues, I find that confronting the situation, taking charge, proposing a solution and documenting helps when someone wants to make trouble. That's just my way of handling things - I won't be a victim. Others may have suggestions that are less aggressive.
her care and well being being the most important - you have stepped up to take her into your home while asking for help and not receiving it. I would emphasize that and ask your other siblings what they are willing to do to help and make them commit to. I would bring up your sisters concerns at that time - and explain that you are doing your best, appreciate the input - but that you need actual help to address any issues. I agree with Garden Artist, put your sisters complaints right out there and offer suggestions to correct and ask for their input (now I realize that some of your sisters complaint's are probably bullshit) - but get it all out in the open. Put sister in charge of taking her to the doctor - something Mom really does need.
While I was caring for LO while working full time - his daughter called me at work one day, she had stopped by on her day off and proceeded to complain to me that -she was not happy that I had left a cold lunch for him and that he smelled like poop. I told her I was at work and that since I gave him a hot breakfast and a hot dinner, that cold lunch on my work days was all I could do, but since she was actually there with a well stocked kitchen, stove, etc - and it was her day off she could make him a hot lunch, and if she wanted to prior to eating she could actually change his diaper and get him a shower, which would get rid of the poop smell - of course when I got home, she had done neither but at least she didn't call me at work anymore to complain. I dealt with and am still dealing with her and her sister who seem to find lots of fault in everything I do - I think it helps them get over any guilt they have for not doing anything.
Mom's money is Mom's money and while she is living - it really does not matter whose name or names are on the acct - if you or any of your siblings whose names may be on the account - take her money for your own use without her consent then that would be
against the law. Does she contribute to any of her living expenses or any of your household expense? If so make all aware what is going out - what is coming in and offer a monthly statement -
I would suggest that Mom do a will of sorts leaving her assets to her children in a fair manner - your brother saying you should have the savings account - because you are caring for Mom - unless he is durable POA pretty much means nothing. A will - even one done online - with an equal or fair split - perhaps a bit more for you because you are caring for her, will pretty much let everyone know where they stand.
I would also make it very very clear to them that caring for Mom is not going to get easier, if they do not give you some respite, then I would use Mom's funds to hire someone to do it - that of course will deplete their share - if indeed Mom has anything left in the end - should she need Medicaid, I think they pretty much take everything.
What on earth led to your mother living in your nephew's basement? Your mother has five children - how was that ever the best option?
Okay, never mind that. So you and one brother put your heads together and removed her from unsuitable accommodation to your home. Did you consult the other three at the time? And, by the way, whose son is the nephew?
Your mother receives social security payments, plus payments from your brother for ? - what are these 'house payments' for?
You are, quite correctly, depositing all of your mother's income (?) in a separate account to be used for her own expenses and personal spending. Is she paying you any kind of rent?
I understand that your mother's having dementia makes this difficult, but what steps have you taken to determine what her wishes are? This goes back to the beginning, and the question of how she came to be homeless to the extent of needing to move in with your nephew. Where was she before that?
What involvement, apart from the abortive lunch trip which I think we can safely dismiss, have your other three siblings had in discussions about your mother's care?
The conference is the way to go. Your mother needs care; she needs to live somewhere; she has certain resources; what needs to be thrashed out is a long-term, practical plan for her that doesn't unreasonably burden anyone (especially you!).
Get everyone together as soon as you can. It's not a good sign that "people" are already fretting about the money when the focus should be on how best to accommodate your mother.
I had verbally asked for help several times. I finally asked via email. She replied to that email saying that she HAD offered to help. She had told me that she would take Mom for a couple of weeks, but Mom would have to spend $700 on a mattress. They have 3 homes! How do they not have a mattress? I told her it would be ridiculous for Mom to spend $700 to go stay somewhere for 2 weeks.
I should add that this sibling hates our mother. She's hated her for the last 18 years. She feels that she got shafted when our father passed, and that's about all she talks about when we talk. We've never had any issues between us until now. I believe she thinks there's money to be had, and she should have it. She's kinda always been that way. Like I said before, they have 3 homes. I live in a mobile home and I'm surviving on student loans while I'm in school.
Mom wasn't exactly homeless. My father left her over $1 million in cash and assets. She ran through it like water. Then, she said she wanted to live with different ones in our family She sold her 2 homes, and with the help of my nephew, she went through that money, too. She ended up living in his basement, which is actually his mother's house (my sister). Between that sister and her son, my Mom was almost completely out of money when she came to live with me. She says she's happy now.
Mom does have a Will. It lists my brother as executor and me as alternate.
You're living in a mobile home and you have to study. How is this the right place for someone as, at best, fantastically impractical as your mother to be living?
Does your brother who's paying the regular allowances have any better ideas about where she might stay? And who might like to pay for it?
I'm imagining that the furious sister is mainly furious because your father left such substantial assets to someone so… hopeless. I expect she thinks she could have done a better job of managing them, and to be fair it is hard to see how anyone could have done a worse one. If this sister already has three homes I doubt if she is especially interested in stripping assets; but on the other hand I doubt if she is in the mood to indulge any more of your mother's ideas either.
It is barking, for example, that your mother has stirred herself to make a will - when she has nothing to leave - but will not set up power of attorney so that her children can properly assist her with the minimum of inconvenience to themselves because she "can't be bothered." How long has she been living with you? And how much more can you take?
I'm not sure that it's the stroppy sister who is the problem here.
strong heart , thats obvious ..
As for the mobile home, it's a nice double-wide on a very nice piece of property. She's been here for 5 months. My sibling doesn't own the 3 homes. Her live-in boyfriend does. She has a house, but she rents it out. She doesn't work and says she needs money.
If she became penniless more than five years ago there will be no problem getting Medicaid, they look back five years and she has no assets. Now she has nothing and you are the only person being nice to her. You and mom clearly need legal help to keep Mom safe from the vultures. You could invite adult protective services to inspect Mom's living conditions so there is a record of her level of care. That amount of SS sounds extremely high for one person. Did she and your father hold very high paying jobs?
But that's not the point. If we can go back to *your* welfare for a second, you are training for a new career and therefore - it's fair to assume? - are not that financially secure yourself. You do not have the money, the leisure or the spare energy to devote to caring long-term for your mother. She will run you into the ground and screw your prospects up nicely.
Call that conference, and for heaven's sake include Angry Sister. She has things to be angry about, I'll be bound, and I'll further bet that at least one of them involves the way your mother has contentedly used all of you, to your family's and your mother's collective ruin.
Item One on the agenda, though, is not "grievances" but "what now?" Get whichever of you is the least upset and unflappable to chair the meeting and keep the focus on next steps.