I feel that my sister is taking advantage of our Mom by using the power of attorney to justify her actions. Any suggestions?

see if the area of aging will help you out in your mom's area

have you involved Elder services or another agency that deals with elder abuse?? if this is what is going on your Mom needs help now

I would suspect that this is a combination of your sister taking too much liberty in your mother's affairs and her (and her family), being burnt out as a caregivers. Since you haven't had (or at least you haven't said you've had), 24/7 responsibility for caring for the elderly with dementia, you can't really walk in her shoes. It's life altering. I'm sure she's made decisions that you don't agree with and you want a better quality of life for your mother at this stage. Then you need to assert yourself and take on that responsibility and understand everything that comes with it before you do.

Maybe your sister doesn't have the energy to take your mother out once in a while as you suggest because she is too tired from caring for her in every other way. Maybe someone else could take on that roll and take her out once a week. Could that be you? If not, you could offer to pay a caregiver to do that. That would change up you mother's schedule and give your sister a break. Is this about money or quality of life for your mother or both? If you really want to change things then offer up some help and offer to take your mother in for a few months. Would she allow that?

I am a caregiver for both parents with no help from either sibling. I have asked many times and they both say, no. One is just too lazy and lives further away and the other wants access to my parents money (they don't have any), and says they won't help unless they have that. Nightmare. So I am stuck in this mess, now in my fourth year, and it has altered my life, my marriage, my body and mind. But I am the one that offered to help my parents 4 years ago, not the other two. I've recently learned they never planned to help me.

Good luck.

-SS

The sister may or may not be burned out from caregiving but what I read here and granted this is only one side, is bordering on abuse. You can't leave someone in a dark junked up room and think that is ok because someone is burned out. Although POA gives her the right to do what she wants with the money and property, there is not excuse for siblings not having input. Now if the family as a whole is dysfunctional and can't get along or agree, that will make it all very difficult in the long run. I would suggest first a counselor who knows about eldercare and then possibly a group session with family who will attend. Even if that means long distance travel. Sitting and complaining will not accomplish much. Elder care agencies may be also able to help offer respite care for the sister and day care for the mother. The less she socializes, moves about, etc, the worse her dementia will become. I always apply the golden rule. If you had the dementia, would the care she is receiving be acceptable? Also an attorney may be necessary and get two of the siblings on as joint POA..

SS is so RIGHT!! It sounds like the same thing that my sisters may say about me. I took on the responsibility to care for my mom because neither of my sisters stepped up and handled the task. It is so easy to see and say what you THINK someone is doing wrong without realizing what they are doing right. Do you know how hard it is to care for a parent with dementia? Like SS I am in my fifth year and I have basically given up my entire life. You say she stays in bed all day? Well that's what dementia patients will do if they have no activity. Offer to pay for adult daycare for your mom. You say she does no take her out? Give up a month or two of your life and time to give your mom an out. It is really hard to entertain a parent with dementia when their interest has changed, they are confused and you have spent your entire time caring for them.
I'm not saying you don't love your mother or not concerned, but until you have spent your entire day caring for her you will never understand the cost, time and stress of this job. Try just sitting down and talking to your sister about what you can do to help and make sure you follow through! It is frustrating for someone to say that they will help and then never show up or follow through.
Trust me your sister is not living a happy carefree life you think she is. At least you were able to travel to see her, where can your sister go?

Your Mom needs a memory care unit, where they do activities with them and professional staff get them up and out for periods of time. Your sister is protective of your Mom, but does not know how to take care of her, very obviously. You need to get more involved, not just visit. If you feel something isn't right then, seek an attorney for options. Being in the same position as your sister, it isn't fair to make accusations unless you are there day after day.

Approach your sister in a non-judgmental way. Offer to give mum some time out of the house to give her a reason to get out of bed. Your sister may become very defensive but be firm that this is not a judgement of her, it's something you are doing for mom. Set up regular visits with mom. Your sister will slowly get the message that her sibs are going to be around now (to improve your relationship with mom and to help sister).

Stay at your brother's house if you can. Can she still attend church? Ask brother to take her since he's next door. Can he drive her to an alzheimers daycare program? If not, transportation can be arranged. Your sister can't refuse to spend your mom's money on care that she needs. Be prepared for push-back. Your sister has been in charge for years and will resent your interference. Be firm (not angry) that mom is going to have more company and activity. This isolation is emotional abuse whether sister realizes it or not. I'm sure your sister has a completely different take on it.

It sounds like you and your brothers thought you were doing the right thing way back when sister took over. Maybe it was easier for you that she took it on. It's obvious you love your mom very much and she shouldn't be deprived of the company of all her children.

If she continues to isolate mom, then you will need to be more aggressive and contact Elder Services with your documentation. Keep detailed notes of what's going on.

Regarding the POA: If the time comes that mom's assets are gone and she needs Medicaid, sister will need to account for where mom's assets went.

Sounds like your sister and her husband have been caring for you mom for a long time, since 1999. And that siblings are not informed of anything unless they call? Why wouldn't you call? Why would you expect a sibling who's taking on this work, to call you? And your sister not having much to say about it when you do call, well the fact is caregiving does become routine after a while, been there, it's like you have nothing new to tell anyone, mom is the same, her health is the same. Maybe she has a doctors appointment coming up. So often there really isn't much to say. As for her car being sold, if she can't drive, then why pay the property tax and insurance on it? The car should have been sold, and the funds should have gone into an account for mom, to provide her with things she needs. Better than if they kept he car and drove it themselves. Your sister as POA, doesn't have to inform you of any financial decisions for your mom.

It was very nice of you to curl up with your mom on her bed and talk to her on Thanksgiving, she'd probably like more of that, more involvement where you can. It might be nice for you to offer to pick her up once a week and take her out somewhere. Also elderly folks no matter what their condition, get fatigued easily, I saw it with my grandparents and I see it with my dad. After every meal he wants to go lay down, and he'll sleep for an hour at least. Physical activity does the same thing. He sleeps about three to four hours throughout the day. It sounds to me like a routine has set in likely in your sisters house and part of that is likely that your mom wants to rest in her bed. Your sister and her family sound like they're trying to have a normal life, movies, a dinner, people over, and they should, it's healthy. Your mom might be involved for a bit in some activities, and it just wears her out. As far as a junk room, I have one, it's called my guest room and I have folks over who stay in it all the time. I doubt I'm alone in that regard. Maybe some of that stuff in that room is your moms and she can't part with it, refuses to. You just never know. I here nothing that indicates any kind of abuse. Now if you were over there on a regular basis and found that she was filthy, with sores, malnourished, then there's a case there and you'd need to get an attorney. Otherwise I would recommend you spend more time with your mom, offer your sister some help.

May I ask why did your mom appoint that sister with POA when she was ok? She could have put more people on there...obviously she must have trusted her some point to take care of her. I DK About selling the house was that in your moms will ir wishes somewhere? Your sister will have to explain everything she is doing???? I would contact elder care but remeber they are going to ask if you and your brothers are willingly to help. It is a huge horrible job I was appointed Poa bc my parents didn't feel my other two siblings would help snd didn't trust them...now the whole burden is on me and they don't care all they care about is getting money. So my question and others will be when your mom was in her right mind why didn't she list you and your brothers also? Why did it all go to one person? Did you know this in 1999?

Maybe the mother doesn't need entertaining and doesn't need to go out? I agree adult day care may be a good thing to give everyone a break. My mother stays home all the time and has no desire to go out and she doesn't have dementia. It's just too much of an effort for her to get ready to go out. I also agree that we really don't know what it takes to take care of someone unless we have done it ourselves. However, the sister that is the caregiver needs to let the other silbings know whats going on. But maybe she feels like she's doing it all and the others don't care. I think a caregiver can get into that mentality.

First, I am glad you wrote. This description of how your mother is being treated is elder abuse, and needs immediate intervention by Adult Protective Services. Next you need to file for an emergency guardian ad litem be appointed by the court to oversee her care, acting in her best interests, and then tell the judge your sister is abusing her POA powers. Put all of your observations and others sworn statements (notarized) into a document to be presented to the court. Make copies and give to APS as well. Having been a Child Protective Services case mgr. for AZ, I would remove your mother from your sister's home. Again, this is elder abuse and your sister can be prosecuted for this type of care. Your mother is a vulnerable adult and your sister's care is like she is being held as a prisoner. Get help for her ASAP, and I will pray the authorities throw your bad ass sister in jail! I say this as a nurse and social worker.

I'd like to add something to my previous post:
My mom had 7 kids. my older brother has POA. I don't envy him at all. As my mom's mental ability declined, he had to weed through all her financials, file her taxes, pay all her house bills, insurance, set up a trust with an attorney, etc.

My sister and I are healthcare proxies. My sis works full-time and I work part-time and have children. We hired health aides to care for mom at home (i lived an hour away) took her to rehab, daycare, doctors, bought all her essentials. It was a full-time job but necessary. We realized that we couldn't do it all so now she is in a dementia AL facility and doing OK but we are still very involved..

During all of this, a couple of my sibs, plus an aunt, go on with their lives and visit occassionally. No heavy lifting. They look to me, my brother and sister to feed them regular updates. I don't go out of my way because that's time I need to spend doing other things like tending to my home, marriage, job and children. The best way they can stay up to date is to be present and help out sometimes.

She has a full-time job and is primary caregiver. That must be exhausting. Maybe you could suggest that it's time to move mum to AL so she will have more social outlets and sister can get more time to live her life. I am not criticizing you. Your concerns are legit but if you approach your sister with these things in mind, it may lessen your frustration with her. Good luck.

always remember * the people who do the least have the most to say about it *

For the sake of your family, please don't hire an attorney against your sister. You should try talking to your sister in private (maybe go to lunch, etc.) and don't put her on the defensive. Just let her know how you feel while not attacking her actions. I had POA for both parents whom I loved very dearly and my older sister hired an attorney against me and my husband because of money issues. We were the only ones to step up to the plate so to speak when Mom and Daddy had to have assistance. I'm the youngest of three daughters and was always very close to my parents. My husband resigned from his job to take care of both my parents in our home while I maintained my government career. My husband is a wonderful person and we were all so thankful that he was willing to take on this task of cooking, cleaning and social interaction with my parents. They have both passed on and I'm so thankful to have been there with them in their last days but miss them dearly. But now I have no contact with either of my older sisters as a result of them hiring an attorney, etc. Take my advice, try to talk to your sister with kindness in your heart.

ssutton, you aren't going to like this much when you read this, but I just have to say it. I have quoted your post, and broken it down piece by piece and provided thoughts on the matter: Here goes.....

"My elderly mother lives with my sister and husband and do not interact much with her other than feed her. Then complain thats all she does."

How do you know this? Who is the source that reports this to you? Is this heresay? Have you heard it yourself? Have you been in your sisters shoes?

Young mothers 'complain" about all the stuff they do for their babies and children, but they love them dearly...sometimes it's all they know to talk about because their day revolves around that responsibility. What you interpret as 'complaining' may not be that--it may be just expressing feelings, thoughts and emotions.

"My 84 year old mother was moved out of her house,by my sister's decision without letting the other siblings know, and now lives with my sister and her husband. This sister made herself the power of attorney over mother's estate and has taken personal advantage of deciding to do with everything mother has ever owned without discussing it with her siblings. The sister is very stubborn about having her way and controlling irregardless of what others think. She's been like this since junior high school. You would think people mature and become more aware as they grow older. But that's not the case."

In a few paragraphs down, you state this happened in 1999? Really? Almost 14 years ago and you are now acting like you care?

Did your sister move Mom in with her to avoid assisted living or nursing home scenarios? Would YOU have taken your Mom in, or your brother for that matter. Your sister was willing to do it and take on the responsibility. Good for her.

Speaking of responsibility....Let's take a closer look at the word 'advantage' in the above statement; maybe it should read 'responsibility". Responsible offspring do exactly what your sister did.. Becoming POA or DPOA is absolutely the right thing to do.

"There are 2 other brothers and I, the other sister. I and the oldest brother live out of town and the youngest brother lives next door to my sister. They hardly if ever communicate. The sister does not discuss mother's care, etc. The only way you get any information, you have to ask - and at that, she questions "why do you want to know" or "that's none of your business."

Your little brother lives next door, huh? And he doesn't really know much? Really? When was the last time your little brother went over and offered to let Sister and her hubby have a bit of time off? When is the last time he bathed Mom, or fed her, or spent quality time just being there for her? When is the last time he brought her flowers or a cheeseburger and a milkshake? Maybe some favorite candy? Anything?

"We have all been quite concern for a very very long time, but because she is the agent/power of attorney since I suppose 1999, our hands are tied."

You stop that right now. Your hands are NOT tied. Your HEAD is. You have a guilty conscience. You say you have been concerned for a very long time (since 1999, mind you) but your hands are tied? Please show me where a POA or DPOA keeps the siblings away. POA allows caregivers to act on behalf of a person and does NOT restrict you and your brothers from becoming involved in your mothers care.

"All mother does while living with my sister is stay in bed all day and night. They do not take her out. My sister does work during the weekday, but her husband is retired and is at home all day. On weekend, the sister goes to beautyshop/shopping/ showers/parties and outings leaving mother home alone. I've been informed by many people that mother is left alone and wonders who there to watch her. "

So what do YOU do in your free time since you have no caregiver responsibilities?

Oh, and I want to know who these "many' people" are that seem to be informants for you? Your little brother? The one who lives next door but hasn't a clue about caregiving? And who else...do these people know first hand what goes on in your Moms house or do they just like to ignite some drama?

By the way, your sister and her husband do deserve to have a life. If she wants to get her hair done, so what? If she needs to do some shopping, so what's it to you? I know what your problem is..you are worried she is spending MOMS money on herself, aren't you? Lemme tell you something, she is entitled to compensation for the responsibility she has. And you need to get over it. Think of it this way...if you had a boarder in your home, you would demand a fee for that. Would you allow your brother to live in your home rent and utility free? Or anyone for that matter (other than your own children)? Probably not. Oh, by the way, caregiving is not a set hour job. It doesn't stop at 5pm and have days off every week. There are midnight and early morning hours and all seven days of the week. 24/7 on call for anything and everything.

"When I come to town and visit, I feel somewhat uncomfortable - but it is there house. What concerns much is they complain that all she does is sleep all day. When mother gets up and wants to walk around, they question "where are you going" and complain that they don't understand why she's up. When mother wants to visit her son/my brother next door, they will say no one is at home. While the brother and his wife do work daily, my sister/husband should take her over when they are home just to get her out. But they complain about that."

I have no idea if you tell the actual 'truth' or not. Your truth may be different from the real truth. Example: My sister has accused me of EXACTLY the same thing, even to the point of telling elder Services that mom was unhappy here and wanted to go back to the nursing home (which she had put her in and I got her back out), and so elder services came out that very day on a surprise visit and found Mom in good spirits and completely astounded that my sister would ever say such a thing. She has a beautiful room here, she is clean and healthy. Elder Services could clearly see my sister was just making false accusations. And they are welcome to drop in on any day and any hour.

'Just recently, I surprisingly went to visit my mother on Thanksgiving Day, without telling them - although my brother knew. I really wanted to see mother and visit with her a while to get a feel for her mental, emotional and physical health. Upon driving up, I was overwhelmed at the 8 or so cars on my sister driveway/yard. When I entered everyone was in my sisters den enjoying the games, and mother was back in her room (very cluttered and designated as the junk room. My sister came out of the den, saw me and was of course shocked to see me there. I proceeded to mother's room. You can barely move around in the room. When I walked in, mother was lying in bed facing the wall. I said " mother, happy thanksgiving"
and she turned over smiled and called my name. I said "I came to see you for Thanksgiving". She was so happy to see me. Because I knew she would probably be left alone, I decided to spend the time with her. I even got on the bed, laid down near her and just talked about the good old days. She asked a lot of repeated questions (dementia) and all I could do was be on her page not mine - understanding that mother's not aware there she ask the same questions over and over. I was just happy and filled with job to be with her. She's a precious lady.'

How nice you went to visit UNANNOUNCED, as your sister and her family has guests for Thanksgiving. Were you really overwhelmed to see 8 to 10 cars in a driveway on Thanksgiving?

Of course your sister was shocked. First, she has pent up indignation against you and your brothers, AND you just show up unannounced.

So glad that you spent some time with Mom, maybe you should do this more often. Your Mom is a Mother, she loves her children, no matter what. Do you have children?

One more thought...old people like solitude. They don't like crowds and they don't like to impose. They already feel like they are a burden anyway. I know my mom does. She LIKES being in her room where she can feel comfortable. She has everything she needs, she has own space, and I keep it clean and tidy. But some people LOVE their 'things". If it's trash and crap that clutters your mothers room, that is one thing. But if it's just 'stuff, and she likes it there, that's another.


"I have written earlier - regarding my sister moving her pastor in my mothers house and selling mother's car without letting any of the siblings know. Mother does not have the presense of mind and I feel that my sister is taking advantage of her by using the power of attorney to justify. The POA is not for my sisters desires, but to properly manage the estate of our mother according to mother's wishes. I think I need an attorney and try and get mother to revoke the POA.

Please give your thoughts and even suggestions. I want to act sooner than later."

Revoke it and give it to who? You? okaaaaaaaay, and since when did you decide you could handle what your sister does.? Like one other poster said, if you haven't walked in their shoes, then you don't know.

Was your mom sick? Was she stinky? Was she showing signs of malnutrition? Was she living in filth? Did she had bruises or other signs of abuse? Did she want out of there?

Can you spare your unconditioned time and dedication 247 and care for another adult? Do you really want to uproot your Moms daily routine just because you decided it wasn't right for her?

I am waiting for the day my sisters try to pull something like that on me. I am happy to call elder services, and happy to call an attorney. Neither sister has been involved in Moms care, just me now and my hubby, and I really don't mind it at all. She is safe and sound here. I have a brother too, and he recently came to visit for a few days. I noticed he never went into Moms room to say hi the first day, so the second day I said "hey, you better go say Hi to mom, she knows you are here and you haven't said hi yet"..... and he did. Like it was a chore he dreaded. Some people just don't know how to be around elderly, even if it is a parent.

ssutton, if the situations isn't broke, don't try to fix it.

Oh I have been there with my sister and my Dad! She charged him $875.00 to stay with her. He told me many times when he stayed with me that he gave her $150.00 a month. She used his checking account to buy things and pay their bills even bought themselves a storage shed for $5,000.00. The terrible part is I didn't find this out until he died and I was the executrix. We never knew about the POA. Family can be so evil! Thank God I was the exectrix!

You have a brother who lives next door who expects your sister to take your mom over to his house for a visit? Why doesn't this wonderful, caring younger brother go to your sister's house and take your mom out on a weekly outing? The reason, more than likely is because your mother doesn't want to go anywhere. My mother will only go someplace if I tell her we are going. If I ask her if she wants to go anywhere, she says no. She doesn't want to leave her comfort zone. She doesn't want to be a bother to anyone.
When your sister asks your mom, "where are you going", could it be that they are concerned that they need to be with your mom in case she falls, in case she makes a mess on herself? Whenever my mom gets up I have to watch her. I have to know where she is going. If I am not there she can fall. Or she can go into the bathroom and get feces all over herself and the room, the light switches, etc.
If you have not taken care of someone 24/7, and it sounds like your sister and her husband have been doing this for a very long time, you have no idea what it is like. Taking care of an elderly person isn't an easy task, especially when they have dementia.
If you want to take POA away from your sister, you darned well be ready to take on the full time care of your mother. I personally feel that the primary caregiver needs to be the POA. There are so many decisions that have to be made often that having a POA that is not there in the house, even an hour drive away, is impractical.
As for your sister possibly being paid for her time and stress??? God forbid someone be paid for taking care of someone 24/7. No time off. No breaks from the constant worry about the safety and care of the person you are taking care of.
For the few short months that my mom was living with my brother and SIL, we gladly paid them $650/month out of my mom's money to take care of her. We even offered to give them more money because my SIL no longer wanted the responsibility. You know what, we couldn't pay her enough to take care of my mom.
So, mom is with me and my husband. Should we be paid for cleaning up feces all over the bathroom. Should we be paid for cleaning up drips of urine on the floor every morning (we still can't figure that one out). Should we be POA because we are the ones who drive her to town to the doctors, pick up prescriptions, buy her Depends, you're damned right we should.
I get so angry at siblings who do not take on the responsibilities of caring for their parents but can complain all day long about the care that they are or aren't receiving.
If your mother isn't covered in urine or feces, isn't suffering from bed sores, isn't battered and bruised, isn't being mentally abused, are you going to take her out of a situation where she feels comfortable?
Maybe you can go to your sister's house one day and try to be helpful? Maybe help to organize that room that your mother is in. See whether or not it is your sister's "junk" or maybe these are things that your mother doesn't want you to touch or move? My mom loves to hoard things. Her house was horrible and we were able to get her out of it. I keep her room here clean and tidy but she is collecting things. Fortunately I have some control over that. Maybe you can help your sister and find out how you can be of help. And, get that brother who lives next door to your sister involved.
And, call your sister, rather than waiting for her to call you for an update. I have siblings who haven't called since January when my father passed away. They don't give a shit about mom but they will be the ones who scream the most when she passes and want to know where every dime went.

I don't mean to seem harsh. Taking care of someone with dementia is a very difficult job. Are you more concerned with the money or are you more concerned with whether or not your mom is being taken care of? Look deep inside and ask yourself that question. Or are you simply mad that your mother chose your sister to be POA rather than you?

Hope you find some peace in your life.

Bravo, SS!!! Thank you for bringing some reality into the whining!

Excellent points Shamir.

Where is this info coming from? The mom with dementia? The brother who lives next door? Does brother invite mom over to visit and sister refuses to let her go? Or does mom want to go over but wasn't invited by bro? Maybe bro feels guilty that he lives next door and doesn't do much so he gives you the impression that he would love to help but he's not allowed to. After many years of your sister caring for your mother., she knows what to expect from whom.

My mother tells me outrageous things about the people around her. She loves to spend time in her bed. It's safe and comforting. It takes a lot of effort to get her up doing activities. Family can't visit in large groups because it upsets her.

How nice that your sister can entertain guests on TG and manage to do some nice things for herself while working full time and taking care of your mother. It's important to have balance. Just be careful that you have the facts before you call in the cavalry.

You should get more involved, let your sister know you are coming for a visit a few times, then come unannounced and see if conditions are the same. If you expect something is wrong get eldercare involved. Parents should never assign just one person as POA. I know this from experience.
When my husbands Mom died one of his sisters `had POA over her Dad. The other siblings insisted he be put in assisted living and not in her home. He didn't want to go to her home. But after only one year she had cleaned out his bank accounts and all but one of his CDS.She was in the middle of building a house that had been being built over a long time. So then all that was left was his monthly ss check that was more then enough to pay for his expensences. So she moved him out to her place way out in the country where he had no contact with people other then her family. He wasted away and each time he spent time in the hospital other family members would visit him and see how badly he looked. .Social services tried to step in but she took him out of the hospital real fast when they tried to do anything. Then when he died she ran up to the hospital and got the rest of his money out before they knew he had died. We tried to get something done about it but our hands were tied. They were friends with all the law there and they would not even talk to us about it.
Now we are dealing with pretty much the same deal with my Mom. My sister and I shared in her care for the last 3 years but my sister had control over her money. She made all the choices and decided to divide her money between us 3 siblings. We have a brother who lives out of state. .Then my sister got cancer and decided she wanted her share of Moms money now to leave to her kids. This means I am now left with a third of what was left to take care of Mom and it isn't enough to put her in a nursing home if she needed to go. My sisters cancer is terminal so I am looking at possibly having Mom with us for a long time. She is in pretty good health other then her mind and she is too weak to walk without her walker. She is 87 and has outlived all her siblings and parents by 20 years or more. She could very well outlive all 3 of her children because we all have health issues. I am trying to do whats right for my Mom but it is hard sometimes. I will not leave her alone all day like my sister did. So if we want to do anything we have to leave her with adult day care..I hope I don't live long enough to have to live with my children but then we do not have a choice in that matter, do we?I love that I have this sight to vent. I have found a lot of useful information on here.

I ment she ran to the bank , not the hospital

Bravo, PinkLA and Shamir!!! Wow, that's a lot of typing! What I think we should all keep in mind that is every single situation is different. I seem to have a TON in common with many on this thread but every family situation is different. Whether it is about money or not, sibling that don't get along or siblings that share the responsibilities, some of us are still raising kids, others are not or didn't have any. Some of us live close, others far away. Geez, stick dementia in that loop and that alone changes the entire picture!! So we all have to look deep down into ourselves to find out what is really important. While I can't get past the loathing I have for my selffish siblings, I'm doing much better it. And I'm grateful for that.

I think SSutton needs to do the same thing to determine is this really about your mother or is it about you. I admit, my own problems right now are about me. I recognize and I'm trying to fix it. I wish us ALL, in all our different scenarios, God's speed.

xo
-SS

I am shocked at how this scenario sounds almost identical to the complaints that I have to live with from my siblings that live OUTSIDE of the home. I noticed that my mother needed more care around 5 years ago when I lived 5 hours away, I contacted all of my siblings, all 4 that lived within a 20 mile radius, they ignored my concerns and continued to ignore our mother. My mother hearing began to fade, paying bills began to slip, housekeeping became hoarding, early stages of dementia began to become very noticeable. I began to visit twice a month to clean house, wash and do laundry, I made the house more handicapped accessible, upgrading the home. I even purchased new phones for the hearing impaired, I began to spend so much money and time to help her. Meanwhile, my other siblings went on with their lives, passed by the home everyday as our mother called me about noone visiting or checking on her except for an occasional phone call. Eventually, I had to put my home on the market and move into the home with her after she had to be hospitalized. This decision was extremely hard for me and I felt and feel that I have no life because my siblings have chosen to stand by and do nothing. Now that I am here, these same siblings are accusing me of causing our MOM Stress. If she is sick, I am to blame. I am spending and doing everything I can to make her life better to the point that I have had a nervous breakdown myself. The paranoia, the forgetfulness, even my Mother accuses me of moving things that I have not even touched. She loses things constantly and I find 99% of the items right where she puts them.This is everyday!

So to others.....if you are not going to put the time, money and all of your efforts in to making the caregiver burdens a little lighter, if you will not take in your own parent yourself, then STOP criticizing the caregiver.

Amen, Godchaser!

I want to thank all of you who complied to my request - and that was "Do you have any suggestions". I did not know this would stir feelings or become personal to the point of accusations and contempt regarding my concerns of my mother's best interest, which is what this truly is all about. Some of the comments are unfounded that I've received. You don't even know the whole story,... it would take far too much time to explain. But none-the-less, I do appreciate those who have taken the time to comment and give caring advice or suggestions objectively.

I never accused my sister of abusing the POA, I stated "I feel that my sister is taking advantage of my mom by using her POA to justify her actions". As a former social worker and very supportive family member to all my siblings and their children, I have always been mindful of the importance of family and the ties that bind. I love each and every one of them, but through the years people change, grow to resent, become jealous, etc. sometimes depending on the blessings bestowed. While each of us (including my siblings) can submit our unique defenses as to why we feel the way about certain things, I can guarantee a lot of it will go back to childhood or who is or was favorite in the family. Conflicts and dysfunctional dynamics exists in every family. But the common ground should always go back to love, compassion, and a heart string of God's heart.

Of course there is more to it. Briefly, I married very well and was always available and supportive in meeting the financial needs of my sister and 2 brothers no matter what. As for my mother and father, I was their favorite. I must clarify humbly that statement. Only parents know why they feel that way. Upon marrying, I moved away and lived in very distant places at times in the country. But always kept in touch with my parents and siblings. They were very well until 1998 when dad died of a heart attack/stroke. That was truly the saddest day in my life. The family seemingly was close and in tact. But after dad's death every thing began to change. For some unknown reason, my sister started treating mother as if she was handicapped - mother was 69 and not an old lady. But was made to feel that she was dependant by the sister. While my sister may have had good intentions to be there (she was living in the same city), you should not become an enabler. Over the long run this is not good for the caregiver or person who chooses to involve themselves. Mother was always independent and able to clean, cook and do for herself. She had the ability to go wherever she wanted to go when she wanted to go. Somehow all this stopped. When this occurred, I was told numerous things started happening. Mother would stop going to church. Mother would not entertain visitors coming over. Mother became a diabetic. Then she's on nerve pills. I would visit her often after dad died and would try to get a feel for her situation. Even to the point of seeing a doctor or therapist. But no one would listen. That was when I discovered my sister had made herself the power of attorney and guardian of mother's bank account. As I stated before, I had no problems with that. But over time mother became more and more depressed I think. Missing your partner after 50 years I believe is quite a matter to live through. Now I am sure it was depression. But my sister treated it as if "she's just getting old". Old is not 69, 70, 71, etc. today.

I did not tell all of you that I did move to my home town in 2005 to take care of my mother for 7 months to help her regain wellness. I know this was not mentioned in my earlier statements. So you see I know much. I never complained about anything of mom nor the siblings because it was a job of mine to be there for her. I also believe, that I don't have to bother or use my mother's fixed income to pay myself or use as I see fit. Those who do this well, that's between them and God. For the nine months my mother carried me - no charge. From infancy to graduating from high school - no charge. So why should I charge her.

I was told by mother in 2004 that my sister and husband came into money. That's was a blessing. New cars, addition to their house - that their business.
When I moved in to care for mother in 2005, I discovered mother's kitchen oven had been out and not working I was told for months - I did not know that. The guest bathroom toilet was not working - in fact it was a dry toilet - that I did not know. When I moved in I started cleaning the very day and my sister knew that was not the way mother lived. But nothing was ever done and the siblings were never told of the repairs or problems of the home. Mother would have her depends on for days - the odor was unbearable. As I stated when I moved in, I cooked, cleaned the house, made sure mother was bathed or washed daily. Even when mother would say, "I don't feel like bathing or washing off", I would say to her "I am going to prepare your favorite", and like a child, she would say "Okay". My point is saying this is - there is an expression "once a man, twice a child". Maybe mother chose to be in a child stage at that point of life (age 69), but I know this for sure. Just as you train a child in the way it should grow, the same analogy can be applied to an elderly person and of course with love and compassion. Maybe my sister was too busy to think this way, but when you attempt to provide care, it's more than what one can sometimes imagine. That is why I stated I did not have a problem with her being POA and executor of mother's will. It's when she became resentful of me and each of the siblings because we were not there when the goings got a little more demanding. I would listen to my sister talk about the oldest brother and the youngest one next door to her house. But she never "took the plank out of her eye" and saw what she was doing enabling mother. Listen, that is a big mistake for anyone to make. I am in my sixties and feel as if I'm 28 years old. Happy and try to always think positive. But when something seems suspect, I call it to the floor. I'm always open to hear and listen to what others have to say - feedback. Again, my sister does not feel she has to tell us of doctor appointments, incidental illnesses of mother, etc. There is no hate - we just want to know what's going on.

Fast forward to the concern of the "feel the misuse of power of attorney", my sister telling us that she moved her preacher into mother's house with out letting her siblings know, I think is lack of concern for others input. As stated previously, we found out by letter weeks after the man moved in. She stated in the letter that she got the ok from mother. There is not way on this earth mother was of "presense of mind" when she said yes. Even my sister would say, "She doen't remember one thing to the next". I DON'T WANT ANYONE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY MOTHER!

So, to clarify, I appreciate the comments and continue to want the feedback. I also will continue to pray and ask that God's timing and devine will be done. I will attempt again to get my sister to sit down with me and my brother next door to her and cooperatively talk about the best interest of mother and have transparency, honesty and good objective discussions without being resentful or defensive. I do not want to hear - "you don't need know about mother' estate, business, etc". That would be a cheap shot at non-disclosure.

Again, thanks to you all. I truly do appreciate your comments

Thanks to you all.

@ssutton, Act NOW asap!!! In the exact situation! They NEVER will change, just keep sucking the life out of anyone who lets them. My advise , get an attorney today! God bless your efforts and Good Luck, you'll need it!

Ssutton - Thanks for writing back in! Many times a poster will post a question, people respond, then we never hear back from them.

I just feel like there are a lot pieces missing here. If you moved in with Mom in 2005, when did you move out when, and why?
If you are THAT concerned about your mother, you need to get your tail back in the picture and fast. Seems like money is not an issue for you, so set up in a hotel or rent an apartment and go there every day. Not sure what you are waiting for.

Best of luck.

xo
-SS

It would be wonderful if you would take mum to live with you. Why not have at it?

SSutton, you sound like my older sister. Out of nineteen years, she helped for a grand total of seven months and only then AFTER I shattered my left elbow, something that has left my arm frozen permanently in a bent position. At the end of seven months, she bailed on our mother's care. I'm still doing it all even now.

I'm sorry, but you cannot compare what you've done to the massive amount of care your sister has given. Nor do you have the right to expect your sister to do everything while you cherry pick what and when you'll deign to help.

By the way, who cares how well you married? That statement and two bucks will buy you a cup of coffee at IHOP. It means nothing in the scheme of caregiving.

I am sorry but this sounds so much like something my brothers and sils would say about me too. Mom does stay in bed a lot. She gets up, eats, takes her meds and goes back to bed. She is not always sleeping (usually she is) but she stays on her bed about 80% of the time. We rarely go anywhere and leave her alone. She does this because she is tired, hurting, and takes meds. I suppose, at any rate, I can't get her to stay up, she doesn't want to. Her room looks like a junk room. When she moved in, she just could not turn lose of things and has it all piled in her room and won't let anyone do anything about it, although she complains about. She has a bit of a paranoia and hoarding tendencies. I have no where else to put this stuff as I have already filled an entire shed and utility trailor full but this is stuff she wants near her. What am I to do? Also, she does go back to her room and lay down when someone is here, even if it is one of my brothers who finally came to visit. And they complain about that because they think she should stay up with them and entertain them. They do nothing and rarely visit with her. They never take her anywhere. I do take her with me every where I go. I don't have POA, no one does. But if I did, and I think I should because I just spent 8 hours today trying to straighten out her bills and bank account. It was a mess!!! But if I did, it would only be to help her and nothing else. Maybe you should spend more time trying to help out instead of trying to take over. That is a move you would live to regret!!