How can I get my sisters to be transparent with care and finances of my Mom?

DYB you don't say how old your mother is. I gather from your profile that she has diabetes: is there any other significant mental or health impairment?

I don't think you're going to like this, but you did ask. As far as I can glean, there are two issues:

1. You think your youngest sister should pay rent to your mother, and she doesn't. What do the eldest sister and your brother think? What does any of them say is your mother's view of it?

To declare an interest: I live with my mother, she pays (partly) for my keep, I provide 24/7 care for her. I would be seriously pissed off if my siblings suggested I should be paying rent. What with? I should have a full-time job too? I would also be - I have also been, I should say - pretty miffed with grumbles about my adult children coming to stay, although I have simply ignored them. I agree that the living costs of young children are a bit different; but all you need to know is whether your mother understands and is content with the arrangement.

2. You have been removed from your mother's bank account. You say you have closely monitored it for 11 years. To what purpose? Have you had occasion to act, at all? What was, what is, the point of your being a signatory to the account? And, to be mischievous, what - apart from virtue - would stop you helping yourself to the funds if you remained a signatory?

You seem to be a self-appointed guardian. If your oldest sister does have DPOA, even if it is in force, which it won't be unless your mother is losing capacity, and if your youngest sister is living with your mother and, presumably, expects to become her primary caregiver over time, what role do you see yourself playing in your mother's affairs?

Or are you concerned more about the execution of your late father's wishes? Are you his executor? Clearly not (see below).

If your oldest sister is the ?DPOA, and your youngest sister is moving in to the new house, where does the "secret loan" come into this?

Now, having said that and made myself unpopular, transparency is always desirable and in some cases mandatory. At a guess, I would say you are entitled to sight of all of your late father's documents. Do you know who his attorney was? Can you find out?

If you are concerned about your mother's welfare, then arrange to visit her. If you believe you would not be welcome at her home, book a local hotel. If you cannot get either sister to arrange a date, deal with your brother - he can even accompany you. It would be completely unreasonable and unacceptable for your sisters to prevent you from seeing your mother, but common sense dictates making an appointment which is convenient to all parties.

I agree wholeheartedly that your mother's wellbeing is your business, I think most daughters would. Unfortunately, since you don't provide her care and you haven't been appointed to look after her finances, it isn't quite as clearly your business as it is your sisters'. Speaking for myself I do attempt to keep my siblings informed, but as far as I know I'm not obliged to lift a finger to do so.

If I wanted my siblings to be more transparent and open and involve me more, I don't think I'd go about it by starting with a fundamental disagreement. You were the one who proposed the rent plan, yes? Possibly not your best move.

I'm sorry. I do understand that you are genuinely worried that your mother is being exploited. But if you want to do anything about it you're going to have to mend fences, and allow yourself to be reassured if, in fact, it turns out that they are acting perfectly within bounds. I hope this gets sorted out. Best of luck.

People need to agree to mediation or be court ordered. I do not think it will work.

I do not personally like getting courts involved in family matters, their word is final.
They may just place her, which would make her miserable and likely consume her assets. Courts should be a last resort only if there is criminal activity or abuse.
Before you hire a lawyer I strongly suggest you visit and try to personally re-engage with your sisters and family.
When was the last time you saw mom? What condition is she in today? Does she require caregiving, how involved? Would her condition necessitate ALF or NH were it not for the familial living arrangements? Your sister may be paying her rent in sweat equity. If mom did buy a family home, is there a mortgage and can sis upkeep ( taxes, mortgage) if mom goes to NH? Is mom legally competent to buy a home or does she have moms DPOA. BTW, even if dad arranged for POA for mom before passing, she would have had the right to make changes as long as she was competent, so the original docs may be moot.

You sound reasonable, and may have a very legitimate concern. Cutting you off is completely inappropriate. Try reconciliation, before you go legal.

I sincerely hope this works out for mom and family unity or at least civility.

Regards
L

Ok. Thank you both for clarifying.

So. When is the house purchase to be finalised (i.e. how long have you got before things get incredibly complicated)?

Who was your father's executor? - and therefore has access to all the trust details and so on.

How did it come about that your mysterious oldest sister was appointed DPOA? - was that your late father's decision initially, with your mother following suit?

WS, how often do you see your mother? Often enough to have heart-to-heart type chats with her? I'm wondering how she was persuaded to agree to live with young children if she finds them - I wouldn't say a nuisance, what grandmother would admit to that?! - a handful, then. What do you think she was thinking? Because it's one thing to tolerate and, perhaps, worry about your daughter and her family; quite another to upend your later years living with her.

Is your mother up to using her own cell phone? You can get senior-friendly types, maybe see how she gets on with one. At least then DYB could talk to her direct, which might ease some worries.

I don't understand the loan bit. Why would someone deny having had the use of money which she has paid back in full? Any ideas? Does she just dislike or resent your knowing her business, as she sees it?

What would you both like to happen? Think that through, and think constructively - because otherwise this is all going to circle back and bite your mother.

FYI, bits like this:
"...She fell in 2012 (was left alone because one sister stormed out and didn't inform another because of their communication issues) and was on the floor overnight, and as a result needed knee replacement surgery which she had been avoiding for years due to osteoarthritis. However, my mother does not need round the clock care…"
- don't help. The argument is not cogent - your mother needed knee replacement surgery because of chronic osteoarthritis and avoided it for years; OR she needed it because of your sister's petulant behaviour; but you can't have it both ways - and is also likely to put up the backs of those many readers who know just how damned stressful it is to spend your life trying to prevent all falls. Particularly if you then say your mother doesn't need much in the way of everyday care, thus minimising the value of your sister's being on site.

I think it's good that you're together on this. Stick together, but also check each other's perspective and sense of proportion, and mind each other's language. With luck and goodwill, this can still be put right - not easily, but it can. Nothing terrible has happened yet. Remember that all you both really want is to make sure your mother's protected.

I'm glad you're taking this to a mediator, and glad that he's a retired judge. There are seven of you? Will you be able to get everyone round the table? Goodness I hope the mediator has plenty of headache pills handy… :) Seriously, very best of luck, and I hope you all make progress. Grit your teeth and stick with it.

Obviously I do not have all the facts, I am certain there is much more to this. My first impression is your sisters are doing the hands on caregiving, hence IMHO the earn the right to make the decisions and I understand not welcoming distant quarterbacking. If they are doing anything other than using the money for her care they are wrong, possibly criminally wrong......but my guess is this may just be a difference of opinion. Under no situation should they be cutting you off from communication. Take a long weekend and drop in.

Sorry if that is not what you expected to hear, but this may be a perspective worth considering.

Yes I do get that. Petty differences shouldn't matter. They've managed to get their way by having my mother purchase a 4 bedroom/2 bath house so my youngest sister and two children can move in with her. The issue started with even suggesting she pay rent. No matter, I had to gather some information on my own, which I should not have to do, and it is very likely they will be closing soon. I don't know if they plan to give us the new address or home phone number (which is necessary). When my brother has dropped in, he lives closer, they tell him to back off when they find out.

My mother is 80 years old and diabetic, high blood pressure, thyroid. She fell in 2012 (was left alone because one sister stormed out and didn't inform another because of their communication issues) and was on the floor overnight, and as a result needed knee replacement surgery which she had been avoiding for years due to osteoarthritis. However, my mother does not need round the clock care and can do for herself. My sister has a full-time job. She is not providing anything right now except just being there when she isn't working. When the time comes that my mother needs more, a home health care person can come in. No one is expecting my sister to quit her job.
My mother had been adamant about not living with anyone and has had a falling out with this daughter before. Now they (three sisters) have convinced my mother to buy a 4 bedroom house for sister and her two young boys. I accepted it and approached my mother about a fair rent and then my sister. It was going to be a few hundred less than what she is paying now for a two bedroom duplex. This didn't have to escalate. She is now using my mother very much like divorced parents do. Not allowing visitation and turning the children against the other parent. I have contacted a few times through email and text, said I'm sorry, apologized, said we can work this out. I've been ignored and hung up on.

When my father drew up the documents he was trying to be fair by placing oldest to youngest in charge and in the Will naming everyone equally.

What on earth is all the grief about the "secret" loan? The sister who did it does not consider it a "loan" but rather an exchange of cash for a postdated check. You consider it a loan for seven days. But either way, that sister did NOT exploit your mother and steal the money. No financial harm came to mother. Mother is in her right mind. She knew what was going on and she agreed to it. I cannot figure out what the Big Deal is here. Why should Sis have contacted anyone else about this if Mother was OK with the deal? And why do you insist that she admit this was a "loan," when does does admit what happened and just wants to put a different label on it. For heavens sake, if this is indicative of the nature of your disagreements, I'm appalled.

Blaming the bad communication between two sisters for your mother's knee replacement is another example of a strange basis for hard feelings. You also say Mother doesn't need someone to care for her full time, and at the same time seem to blame the sisters for having a gap when one left and the other wasn't there yet. Which is it, she needs full-time coverage, or she can get along on her own pretty well?

I hope before you deal with the mediator you weed the blaming and bitterness out of your story. Stick to the facts. And absolutely decide what you want to have happen. Nothing you can do now is going to change the "secret loan." That is a done deal, with no harm done, as far as you've described it. Do you want to be able to visit your mother freely? Do you want to provide her with a telephone? Do you want the phone charges to be paid out of mother's account? Figure out exactly what you do want, and be prepared to compromise and negotiate.

I hope the end result is peace within the family, and action in your mother's best interest.

Do let us know how this comes out.

I'm not sure why she denies borrowing money. For some reason because she immediately gave my mother a check (an IOU) that couldn't be cashed for seven days doesn't count as a loan to her. I didn't make an issue of it at the time but was taken aback that she alone took my mother to the bank for a cashier's check. We were getting along fine then. My mother didn't call me about it either. I do thank god that she repaid it or again I would be the bad guy trying to recover it as I had to with another sister. And yes, she likely doesn't want anyone in her business. Who looks after my mother? There needs to be checks and balances somehow. I will look again to make amends and try for cooperation.