First let me say that I am fully aware that I have to deal with my parents (mostly mom) in this issue. I am just curious what others out there might do in my situation, or what others in my situation have done.
I've posted about my mean mother before. Right now she is in a good mood (rolling eyes) and our last outing went well. And I am not even taking care of them yet!! (Rolling eyes again)
I mentioned that Mom and Dad live behind me, about a quarter mile. They know when we are gone as we share a driveway. Dad is 82, Mom, 79. Both are in good health. But I know that one day one of them will fall, or something else will happen and my life will change. Btw, I am their only child.
So. My husband and I LOVE to travel. And we especially love to cruise. Well, Mom (who influences Dad) has a fit when we travel. We are so selfish. What if something happens while we are gone? (And now comes the I-have-a-wonderful-memory-and-i-will-never-forget-and-forgive)) "Betty Jean went to Greece when Mother was in the nursing home. I can't believe how selfish she was. I was the responsible one. If Mother had died while she was gone, I just would have buried her and not even told her. She was so bad for going... she never thought about anyone else... blah blah blah."
And it goes on. "You are selfish. You're just like Betty Jean. You've never had responsibilities. Your father is (yelling at this point) 82, Sharon! 82!"
"Mom, is there something wrong with Dad you are not telling me about?"
"No, Sharon! He is 82!!!" I don't know how to capitalize/italicize/bold 82, but at this point, I can just see her veins popping. "He is 82!"
Again, there are no heart problems, cancer issues, strokes, debilitating arthritis, nothing going on where they are disabled. Dad still drives locally, still does his yard work (to get out of the house), still gets around fairly well.
Mom takes no medications for anything, has no issues at all. Basically like Dad, except for her depressing, horrible, narcissistic, hateful personality.
I KNOW we don't need their permission to travel or do whatever we want. But it sure would be nice to hear, "Hey that sounds fun! Have a good time. What? You want us to call BJ (granddaughter) if something happens? Sure, we can do that!"
Not happening. Because when we cruise, we cannot be in communication on sea days. And, buddy, if something happens to Dad, "he will be buried when I get home".
So with all of this crap hanging over my head, I'd love to plan another cruise. Hubby and I found one last night that would be awesome! 12 whole frickin' days!
Side note: I've discussed this with Dad, who is more receptive. And I've explained to him that if anything were to happen to either of them before any trip, obviously, we wouldn't even consider going. But are we just supposed to sit home and wait for something to happen??
What Would You Do?
My mom pulled this crap with me when it was time to go to camp, college, or out with friends. So I married a guy 1800 miles away, selfishly had two children, a career, and even went to Germany in the past 19 years.
She kept threatening to do "something" at every turn. She has every condition in the medical manual, especially hypochondria.
The answer to what if something happens while you are away is that you can check her into a nursing home for the duration, but she will have to pay for it.
The answer to what if I die is that you'll throw one heck of a wake and funeral. What kind of keg do you want us to get mom? You can't take these things she says seriously because it's just to control you. Only you can live your life.
Your mother is more dependent on you and fearful of something happening than you realize.
I think I'll try it, just for a laugh.
Someone asked about them moving behind us. We had bought 50+ acres. My dad was the force behind wanting to move out here. Mom was happy living in Hendersonville, an hour away and close to everything. Dad and I have always been close. (Another can of worms: jealousy.) So we sold them five acres and they built a fairly large house. When they first moved out here, it wasn't bad at all.
No, she's not Jewish, lol!!
You are there for them most of the time. Even a paid caregiver gets a vacation.
Besides, if something happens to you - who is going to be there for them?
Maybe its a good time to start checking out home health agencies -
If Mom knows there is a standby "in case anything happens" maybe she will release her strangle hold on you.
Why would you live with your parents on the back yard? Look back.... what prompted you to stay close to your parents? Did they arrange that house next to theirs? Or was it your desire to stay close even after you branched off....?
I bet your mother has mixed feelings about you leaving. Yes, it could be a pinch of jealousy, insecurity, fear and who knows what else... To make sure YOU feel good about your travels, you need to take few preventive steps: ask friends and family to check on parents, hire caregiver(s) and make sure your helpers can always reach you on the phone or Skype.
And when you have done everything and anything to feel safe, GO AWAY! Travel, visit friends, and do not worry about what your mother says.
Enjoy your trip. Turn your phone off!
Is that toto?
Anyway. I think perhaps you've hit one of the nails on the head. It must be that generation. That generation, too, WAS responsible for their parents in their last years, it seems to me. It certainly was for my mom. Her and my dad lived with her parents to help take care of them. And when they moved out and then I came along (I guess to take care of them!) Mom made the weekly trips to Granny's to clean and grocery shop. And then all of the dr's visits. And then all of the weekends she came to stay with us. Along with my uncle, who was schizophrenic. As an adult, I can now see the FOG FOG FOG my mom and my (bad) aunt were put through.
I guess it was what she learned, what she did, and now what she expects.
Too bad she's not one of those who did a 180 and said to herself, "I will never put my child through this." Or perhaps she did, but doesn't know how to do it.
Shaking my head and rolling my eyes. Who knows?
Sharon
Death is part of life. To borrow a phrase from a well known politician, 'what difference does it make' if my kids are there at my bedside when I die? Quite frankly, I don't want anyone to see me at my worse and I'd rather they remember me as being alive, not seeing me die.
Lake of empathy? I don't know. I don't believe I lack empathy. I believe I see things as they are. Sure, I feel bad for people, but do people really want people to feel bad for them? I'd rather people feel good about me, not pity me.
Worry is fantasy and if she's going to have fantasies, tell her to have good ones.
You nor your husband need the drama your mom seems to want to bring into your life.
I might book TWO cruises!! :-O
Sharon
And just what are you supposed to do in the event of an emergency? Donate a kidney, perform CPR? What? If your dad dies while you're away (highly unlikely) his body can be kept refrigerated until you return.
Just be like Betty Jean and go.
"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live" Says is all, eh?
Someone asked if I would do this to my children and the answer is NO! It's amazing: my MIL always told us she loved us and to have a great time on our trips. In fact, she was planning on going to the coast with others when she just died in her chair one day. She'd had brain surgery seven years prior on a tumor. Did she subject all of her kids to FOG for seven years? No. She was such the opposite of my mother.
Sigh. I wish my mom were just a bit more like her.
Anyway, off to the cruise sites... :-)
So, if it feels unfair to you that your horizons are limited because of their choices, there is a case for saying 'on your own heads be it' and simply pleasing yourself. Why should you accept responsibility where your advice has been rejected and your authority is not recognised?