I am taking care of my fifty-three year old husband who suffered a terrible stroke and I stopped working to take care of him. I took care of my father for tweleve years prior to my husband having his stroke. I am tired, and most days frightened. I guess I believed being a girl there would be someone to take care of me, how strange things have turned out. I trust God will help me, but I feel very hopeless. I love my husband dearly, but life seems very hopeless.
TRACY
Often ill people won't do what they are capable of, and that isn't good for them. A wife/mother will do it, they figure. But then they get more helpless. Then, like Austin, we have to get stern and we hate having to do that.
There's often a lot of manipulation going on with the sick person, and there's only so much a caregiver can take. It's good to get outside help. However, I know my elders would wait for me to do the thngs "the way they liked them." Of course, I would! Then, I became indispensible. It can be a vicious circle.
Hang in, Ladies. Keep communicating. You do help each other.
Carol
marilee
Carol
Carol
I know it doesn't always make sense, but agreeing with her when you can helps. She believes what she sees and says and remembers - to her that is fact. So, even though your reality is different than hers, and you know that what she says is wrong, if at all possible, agree with her. If you can't do that - say she's saying she wants to go home and she IS home, sometimes is helps to say, "Let's get in the car and take you home." Then drive around a couple of blocks and say, "Here we are." Distraction works a lot. Agreeing works often. Sometimes, though, you just have to tough it out. But arguing will only make the situation more stressful for both of you. Yes, I know it's hard. It won't always work. But, these are suggestions.
Carol
Something that worked when I was a nurse when a pt. would ask the same question over and over again like what time is it I would ask them the question they had just asked me and many times they could tell me the answer and would not repeat the question for a while.
TRACY
PatsyTraudt
can you please give us some details on what constitutes "mean" and what behaviors or emotions you define as not "calm". No one can assume they know what you are talking about, so please share the details with us & we will try to help. As an example -
is mean physical, such as pinching or hitting; or is it emotional such as hurtful words? Is it a combination?
We have all been there - so if you detail what is happening we can give you constructive advice.
here are a very few examples of outside things contributing to "meaness" :
adult diapers that are too tight around her legs.
dental pain.
urinary tract infection (which can cause altered consiousness)
constipation
medication mix - or side effects
wrong time schedule for her circadian rythms
fear - as Carol suggested.
take care & write back soon
TRACY
You do need a break. Please contact your state human services department (type your state in online, and you should find their main site - then go from there. You should find a phone number). Ask if there is any respite care available in your town. If you can afford any in-home care at all, please get some. You need a break.
Most of us, once our loved one dies after years of dementia, have a long journey back to remember and love who they were before all the years of decline. I've written about that. It's a hard journey, but worth it.
However, now you are living the years of decline, and you are tying hard to love her as she is. That is admirable. You need help to hang on to that, and getting some help will, well, help.
Carol
TRACY
This past week my mother's sister who was 3 yrs. younger than my mother, passed away. We drove to the health care home where mother lives and told her. We were trying to think of a nice way to tell mother that she would not be able to attend the services for her sister. But we didn't have to. Mother called me and said that she wanted to send flowers but was not be able to go. Yesterday my brother came to visit her. That made mother's day. In my mother's eyes my brother is everything. Out of all of this the GOOD NEWS was after the visit with mother my brother, his wife, my husband
& myself went out to eat. I have never seen my brother so relaxed.
I'm trying to build a better relationship with mother, this will take time because we have never gotten along in the past. I was pushed out by things she would say to me. I want to do the right thing and what I feel God wants me to do. So far I don't have that mother daughter love that I have with my daughter.
Blessings to you,
Carol
I am so sorry about the death of your Mothers' sister.
Thank you, Mother took things well and even called to tell me that she would not be able to make the trip for the funeral but wanted to send flowers.
Our son and one of our daughters and two of our grandsons were here for Thanksgiving and so I called the home where mother lives and had them to have her dressed, our son and my husband went and picked up mother so she could spent the day with family and get away from her room. Mother being mother had to get one stinging word at me before she left. I was nice to her and had to help her when she went to the bathroom. Mother is unable to take care of her personal needs. I don't know what she is looking for in me. I try as hard as I can to be the daughter I feel I should be and all I get is hurt. The words still ring in my ears. My husband doesn't want me to bring her to our family Christmas dinner. I'm pulled between do and don't. Mother will be 90 in three months and I keep thinking that this will be her last year (Christmas) with us. For me Christmas will be easier without having her her. But on the other hand I will feel bad knowing that she in alone. I'm realy torn on what to do. It is not easy getting mother her. It takes two men or two strong women to get mother here and back again. I'm not able to help with this. I could call for KAT to pick her up and take her back but I'm still opening myself up for more hurt full words that she is so good at.
deepest sympathy for your plight. I think that you are doing the right thing by attempting to heal the relationship with your mom and keep including her at holidays. One thing that might help you is if you can distance yourself from 'hurt feelings' over what she says. If she was a stranger - not your mom, how would you react to what she says. It is not easy when someone pushes buttons - especially during the holidays when there are already expectations and lots of family dynamics, but if you truly want peace with yourself, you will have to decide now what you really want out of the experience.
Some people will never stop the zingers - that is up to them. I don't know your mom, but I believe that you are a kind and sincere person who truly wishes to make things better. Perhaps if you want some tips on how to develop a thicker skin, you might start with realizing what your mom says has no bearing on who you are. I won't go into personal experience here - but hope that if you can truly bury any of the stuff that you are carrying around you will have a happier Christmas no matter what zinger your mom throws at you.
If you like, write down all the zingers here on this site - we have all experienced something similar. but if you name it it can no longer hurt. if you can laugh at it, it no longer stings.
Be happy & enjoy your family and the good that is out there. Maybe even your mom will chill out if she sees that she can't hit the target any more. Just give her a hug instead.
C
Would it be possible for you to take your mother a plate of food at Christmas after the rest of the family had there meal- I have been involved with the mother-husband situation and wanted to tell them both to shut and act like grownups.