My mother is confined to bed and lives with my dad on the other side of the country. My dad is now openly having an affair. What do I do?

In our family, what is wrong is wrong and what is right is right. My sister once told me that she knew if she went out and had an affair, the family would rally around my brother-in-law and NOT her. That doesn't mean I wouldn't still love my sister, but what she did would be wrong period. Now there are many people that will stand behind their family member NO matter what they've done, but I disagree. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your dad that was bed ridden, I wonder if he'd appreciate your mother flaunting an affair in his face? Probably not. I don't think truth is relative (no pun intended) there is black and white and what your dad is doing is wrong. Do not accept this new woman into the family while your mom is alive. In fact if it were me I think I'd be getting an attorney for your mom to divorce his sorry behind. Then she can get spousal support and live somewhere that she doesn't have to look at his smug face everyday. Nuts to this stuff. And any woman who'd have an affair with a man who's wife is bed ridden ought to be ashamed of herself too.

First, my heart really goes out to you. You are in a very, very painful situation.

Your dad may feel less guilty and more justified because he is open about his behavior, but I can't help wonder if it would have been kinder to his family to be more discreet.

Having cared for my husband, disabled by dementia, for more than 8 years, I know first hand that being married to someone who can no longer be an equal partner is extremely stressful and sad and lonely. You dad thought he missed the sex but it appears he discovered that what he really missed is the companionship, the interactions, the intimate emotional relationships as well. I can fully understand why you have lost respect for your dad. His behavior does not match your values. Often it is parents who face this challenge when their children grow up and adopt different values than their parents. "After how you were raised, how can you vote for that party ... not go to church ... live with someone without being married ... etc." The shoe is on the other foot in your situation.

You ask what you can do. I have two suggestions:
1. Get some professional counselling yourself. I'm not thinking years of psychotherapy -- just a few sessions with an objective outsider you can pour out your feelings to, and come to some decisions about your own boundaries and your own behavior toward your parents. I say this not because there is something wrong with you and you need to be "fixed" -- just that you deserve some help in dealing with this situation that you never imagined you'd ever be in.

2. Focus on making sure that your mother has the care that she needs. She is bed bound. How much can she safely be left alone? Is she being neglected in other ways (perhaps inadvertently)? Who does she have to talk to about her sad feelings? Counselling might be a good option for her, too. Your dad was overwhelmed caring for her alone. (Very common.) Even without the affair in the picture, additional in-home care is essential. Perhaps now it also makes sense to explore other options. Would your mother be happier in a new setting?

I know that you cannot move back across the country. But perhaps an extended visit would be appropriate, for you to make sure good arrangements are in place for Mother's care. Does she have a case worker? If so, set up meetings with that person. If not, look into getting an outsider involved. Start by contacting the state's department on aging (or whatever it is called there) -- you can find a lot of information on the internet.

Some of the changes for your mother's care may impinge on the household income. Extra care will have to be paid for. This may or may not be willingly accepted by your father. Be aware that that might be an issue, but cross that bridge if/when you get to it.

Maybe this is also a good time to discuss Power of Attorney and Medical Proxy, to plan ahead for when Mother cannot make decisions for herself. Is she comfortable with your dad playing those roles?

Again, hugs to you in this painful situation. You are certainly not alone.

Try not to go about these steps with anger toward your dad and in a spirit of blame. Focus on doing what is best for your mother, without regard to whose "fault" it is.

If your mother needs more help than your parents can afford, it is time to look into what assistance might be available. Many states have program designed to keep elders in the community instead of the more expensive facilities. Help them look into this. You can do a lot of the groundwork by internet and telephone.

Yes, why didn't your dad get support years ago, more help, join a caregivers group, etc. etc. Maybe the answer is just that he is a jerk. But he is your father and your mother's husband, and you have to factor that into any decisions you make.

I'll also remind you that huge numbers of people get divorced every day, and more than that have issues with infidelity. Most of these situations do not involve one person being the caregiver for another. In other words, marriages fail or teeter on the brink all the time. It is always sad, and it is almost always hard on the adult children. Perhaps if you mother were perfectly well, your dad would still be behaving like a jerk now. Who knows? I'm just pointing out that you are in a crowded company right now of adult children of parents whose marriages are in trouble. You are far from alone!

I don't think children can "fix" their parents' marriage. In this case you can look after the special needs your mother has because of her illnesses.

Best of luck to you as you struggle with this.

I've been married for 27 years and out of those 27 years my wife has been ill from diabetes and complications of it. Some things could have very well been avoided, by changing some eating habits and being more responsible. But to make matters worse, as a husband I really had to sacrifice a lot to keep and raise up or 2 sons and 2 daughters, she wasn't trained very well at home and it caused a lot of unbalanced home life. I did most of the cooking, cleaning, disciplines, and pushing morals and values even though with little support from my spouse, so I continued to sacrifice for the betterment of our family. I complained alot but continued my course. My wife has had multiple surgeries for abcests and blood poisoning from diabetes keatoma because of not taking good care of herself, I've missed work, changed careers and the OST goes on from trying to make up for money shortages. I really love her, and have stuck by her thru it all. She had stage 4 colon cancer in 2011, I took 2 months off to support her until, the Lord caused it to go into remission, then I had to bury my mother a month later. I needed a break so I went over the road driving trucks but because she couldn't handle the kids and her continually becoming I'll, and my daughter having a baby unexpectedly, that ended and it was difficult finding work, and the she had stints pp it in for clogged arteries, but because she didn't follow orders on taking blood thinners, within 2 days of the stints being put in she had a heart attack and damage her heart. With 20 percent infraction, she is in last stage of HF, cirrohsiss of liver, Dialysis, left leg amputated, fall stones removed multiple hospital and rehab stays. I eventually broke down from stress and being lonely without any intemacy or companionship, I always said and have been faithful but eventually met an older woman that encourages me to stick with my family because she's had to husband that died and she understands the family unit and putting the Lord first, but I have pursued her as she tried to back up and now we've been in a relationship for over a year now. I never thought this would happen to me, but until your faced with different life challenges, never say never. I still support my wife and I always will, but if it hadn't been for this other woman, I would have not bounce back to support my wife, because I had lost hope because I was overwhelmed and boxed in without the help I needed. I love my wife and our children and grandchildren, but her becoming I'll only compounded the problems that already exited because I have always carried everyone and covered everyone and me my self wasn't being covered. Thanks for yalls comments I m only human and I'm doing the best I can and continuing to work and help my single parent daughter and youngest daughter that lives with me

Jughead I can only feel compassion for you.
You know that what you are doing is wrong in the eyes of most.
But if this is the only thing that makes it possible for you to continue to give your wife the care that she needs and the other woman does not find a way to let your wife know what is happening there is little more I can say.
Your wife will not be with you for much longer albeit from her own self neglect which is very hard to take.
I do not condone what you are doing having been the victim of infidelity and know the pain it can cause but I see why you need this support.

Even though the original post was from 2012, for future reference I wonder how many husbands who are having affairs because their wives are ill, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would they feel if the wife was the one having an affair?

Sexual surrogates are not uncommon, but there should be some rules.
Don't bring the "friend" into the home. Not even for a sip of water.
Don't bring this person to family gatherings. Ever.
If they show up, show them out.
So explain the rules to the wanderer. Write them down if you have to.

I thank you all for your answers. I am doing all I can to help my mom. I don't think she would leave my dad even with this happening.
My problem is not just that his behavior does not match my values - it does not seem to match what he has always said he believed. He also has told me that my problem is that I am just grieving my mother. I have been dealing with my mother almost dying of various things for about 40 years now. (She does not seem any closer now than ever before.) Shortly after he started seeing this woman we talked and he assured me that my mom is his soulmate and he won't leave her. He said then he only wanted to go out once a week but he is now seeing the other woman much more than that.
I have understood he needed help in dealing with everything and had been trying to get him to get support and additional help for years.
Mom has a few people to talk to and I call almost every day. Her minister comes to check as do friends. Mom has fallen a few times, but can be left for a few hours at a time if needed. She has hated the few times she was in assisted living type environments. They have looked into help for her and have gotten it intermittently but their budget does not allow for much (and I can't help at this point in time.)
Mom has a DNR and her doctors are very clear on what is acceptable.
I have not been angry with my dad when we talk. I understand his loneliness but do not understand why he was not willing to find friends or support all of these years instead of finding another woman.
I would also be more understanding if my mom had dementia or something that was keeping her from being a companion, but she is lucid and is lonely herself. I am scheduling a trip down to check on mom soon.
Thank you for the supportive words and suggestions, Jeanne. I appreciate the others who answered and let me know that my anger was not completely off. I do think I cannot operate from that place while dealing with the situation.

kjs1951 I am so sorry that you are having trouble finding compassion for your mother. If she lied to you it was to protect your feelings. It is what mothers do, after all.

In what ways do you think Mother is neglecting/abusing her husband? For what does he need an "advocate"?

You have not walked in your mother's shoes. I have. I know what it is like to lose your soulmate, to have your equal partner turn into a dependent, to become a caregiver instead of a wife. I chose to be celibate, but I do not stand in judgement of others who make other choices.

Possibly what you heard was your mother relieving her own sexual needs, without a partner at all. Or the sounds you heard had another explanation.

Do you basic values include forgiveness? Or just being judgmental?

Your mother is apparently continuing to take care of her husband who has dementia. This is an enormous effort and commitment. Are you giving her any credit for that?

I agree with nahaton. Seek the advise of an attorney. Is your dad and his mistress just waiting for her to die? Maybe the mistress would think twice is she knows he will loose lots of $$ to support his sick exwife and take half of what he has.
Also, your Dad is a selfish dog. And a woman who would take up with a man with a sick wife is no better...I'm sorry for you mom and family.
Again...no not accept her. Don't make this easy on them. I would not speak to him either, but help your mom who is helpless right now. Will she get any better or is she terminal?