My spouse has cared for a spouse and grandmother for the twenty years that we have been together. Two years ago, things took a turn and both grandmother and parent became bed bound. Spouse did all possible still then washing clothes, changing diapers, running errands, doctor appointment, washing heads, feeding, lawn and house upkeep, etc. Then a back injury took place because my spouse already suffers from serious pain issues and depression. Grandparent passed a year ago but that still left the parent who is much more difficult to work with on a daily basis. The parent is highly critical, will not take medicine, constantly removes oxygen, refuses to eat on most days, and refuses to wear diapers, which means we constantly wash truckloads of clothes. Not only that, this parent wears the lifeline machine out, which means we constantly get calls all times of day and night to come and open the door for ambulance because on most occasions it is that the parent has gotten out of bed and fallen. Because of this difficulty spouse wants to get a key made and leave it somewhere on the porch for the ambulance people. We are not sure that is a good idea. Hospice was coming out twice a day and that system was so abused that now they only comes out once a day for only an hour. This parent lives alone. So on weekends we are on duty to provide care and every time the button gets pushed, this is about once or twice a week. Parent has been suggested to by hospice, by hospital staff, and by family, that nursing home is best option. However, that idea is angrily refused every time. We are also caring for my aging parents (80) and it is tiresome because I have to travel 30 minutes each way to care for them. At least with them so far it is just helping with cooking and meds setup. We have small children who life also seems to be on hold because we are on call for the problem parent. Some days spouse gets so uptight and depressed when the weekend nears. Some days spouse goes on weekend and says the house looks like a hurricane has hit, diapers either off and on buck naked, telephones and meds in bed and on floor, clothes everywhere and the house smelling from the truckload of laundry. We’ve tried contacting aging council, mental professionals both at hospital and outside of hospital, social workers with all saying since parent is of sound mind they cannot make them go to nursing home. So care is pushed back to spouse and some days spouse can’t get himself to do anything. Because of my past with parent, I will not go over to do for parent unless spouse is present but I will do the cooking, shopping, and laundry although it gets tiresome. So I’m wondering do we need something in writing to protect ourselves from the parent who says she will get us in trouble for neglect? We have two small children that we have to make sure gets their homeschool work done. At times, it feels that all we do is work and no downtime. I’m sure that’s our life – all work and no play.
At any rate, much love, thanks, and hugs to all who helped us.
With that being said, we never, ever want to go through this again.
Does that sound to you like this is a done deal? If they do discharge her to nursing home, will hubby have to sign her in or can hospital SW sign her in? I hope ambulance does not drop mom off at our home or her home and burn rubber.
I never knew that getting out of being a caregiver would be this hard. Looks like once you say yes, you can then never say no at least not without a knock-down-drag-out fight.
At first they said poa would not work because she was incompetent and now it sounds like things have changed. He is even saying she is refusing to sign anything so why put out any more money. Nursing home going to call tomorrow with their update.
I’m listening closely to hubby and trying to take ques gauging if he is sincere. He says he is dropping at front desk the key to lock he just changed, and her cards that pay her bills. He also says we will not take any more calls after speaking with SW today.
It is true unless mom is declared incompetent she is free to refuse to go to nursing home.
As I have said before she is not going to sign anything.
The hospital and before them hospice has been trying to tune her up so she can appear capable. I don't know what they are playing at but certainly have an agenda that is not good for you guys or Mom. In the mean time she is thoroughly enjoying herself. Let someone else get the POA and make the arrangements if they want her home. I can not say this often enough Leave, leave, leave. Don't reconnect the utilities she is not safe to be at home. LEAVE
So here comes vm from SW at hospital saying the physician forms have been signed and carried back to our attorney. Now it’s asked how we coming with power of attorney. In addition, they asked us to check with nursing home to see what needs to be done by family for placement. All that was told to us previously was get her switched over to Medicaid and the two physician forms.
Nursing home say they have not even been given the ok for a visit and have not received any paperwork from SW for placement when the discharged is said to be taking place this Friday.
Now hubby screaming he knew utilities should not have been disconnected. Now he screaming at the SW because SW is saying mom is still refusing placement and they can't make her.
I'm about to start screaming what all of them can do sick of this. Trying to call APS again but no answer. Even last time speaking to them (APS) it was as long as she is doing better nothing they could do.
I think hubby needs to carry new key to hospital and tell them all to shove it. The system sucks.
Hand delivering a letter does not give you any proof you need a signature. Co-operating with ( and paying) a lawyer to get POA and/or guardianship will get you control and responsibility for MIL.It also won't be the fastest way into a nursing home.
Time for tough love.
Hospice already set you up once don't let the hospital SW do the same. Mom won't sign anything that is a given (and may not be considered competent by the psychiatrist.)
i know this is hard but if hubby makes Mom his first priority over you and your son that is surely a sign of things to come. You may trully love him but is it right to suffer this kind of abuse? He can not manage Mom alone and is not well enough to take proper care of her. Who changes her Depends? cleans the floor? changes her bed? Without your involvement she will be lying in filth within 24 hours and if you let her Adult protective services will be after you and you could be arrested for neglect. leaving aside the fact that she will be crying on the phone to you and calling the numbers those oh so helpful SWs left for her if she ever need any help.
Remember all these people know each other. They go to meetings and conferences and probably have worked together in other organizations as sure as the sun comes up every day they will gang up on you.
So fight for your health, sanity and marriage, even if it means making threats and being prepared to carry them out. Plenty of others have been in similar situations and wished they had behaved differently. loving someone does not guarentee they will love you back, sad as that sounds. I don't mean to be cruel but I do have personal experience living with damaged goods. Your son does not deserve this. you may not talk in front of him but kids have the longest ears in the world.
My advice to you today if it is not too presumptios is to buy your self a new six pack of big girl panties on the way home from work and practice saying "NO" and meaning it, all day. Everytime you go to the rest room look in the mirror and mouth"We are not doing this" Do not sign anything you do not want guardianship or POA. Blessings - will be thinking about you, it is so hard.
I am trying to convince hubby to change the locks. I am trying to convince him to power down the home (have utilities disconnected) so that if some smart person tries to bring her back home they would be forced to carry mom with them. Hubby keeps saying wait until we know mom is in the nursing home. What if someone brings mom home and they leave her outdoors after they see everything is cut off. What if hospital discharges mom, brings her back home, and decides to leave her in the front lobby this weekend because everything is cut off.
That is where we are now as of today. Lol when I say we, I mean we as in you all as well.