Stepdad is food hoarding, any suggestions?

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Stepdad is food hoarding, any suggestions?

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I am a middle aged adult taking care of my Mom, 80, with history of cancer and recent stroke, and her husband, 86, who is relatively healthy but with mild cognitive dementia. He still is able to drive without difficulty and is quite independent.

Normally I do most of the grocery shopping and cook lunch for all of us. Mom has a light snack in the evening and my stepdad prepares an evening meal for himself, usually frozen dinners that he enjoys.

Despite my offering to do all of the grocery shopping, especially with Covid, My stepdad insists on going out and getting groceries for himself periodically.

The other night he came back with about 50 bags of groceries; more than we had room for or will be able to eat before they go bad. I have gone through my parents pantry in the past and found things that expired in 2013, but were still in there. He gets upset when we throw expired food out, saying it’s “perfectly fine”, yet has made himself sick in the past by eating old food.

I try to go through the fridge and pantry for clean outs on days when he’s out for medical appointments, but how do I stop him from bringing these things home in the first place, short of hiding his car keys?

At first I would get exasperated, but now I realize that it’s part of dementia. He’s always been a bit of a hoarder, but the food hoarding seems to be getting worse. Any suggestions?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Hoarding

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He is not the only one....toilet paper, paper towels and the crowded grocery parking lots are still almost full of cars. What are people doing with overbuying?
His overbying...sit down with him and be a "stop it attitude" you must have. Get his credit cards and get his name off of check acct. and savings with your name only. When you have to shop take him with you and let him push the basket and have the list. When he insists on a "dont need". "We have enough". Your going to have to be a "tuff love parent" with a loving attitude.

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Make a project of his shopping expeditions.

1. Plan. Set aside time ahead of the trip to go through the fridge, the pantry, the kitchen cupboards, the utility room and the bathroom cupboard. Consider a menu plan for the week. Write down a list of missing items. The aim is to ensure that he sets out on a specific, detailed mission to find and bring home those items and only those items which are listed.

2. Accompany. If not you, then a volunteer (or even consider hiring an aide). This person will need the communication and interpersonal skills to keep him focused on the list, checking each item he picks up as approved or not approved, and ensuring without confrontation but with stepdad's agreement that anxiety-related selections don't make it into the trolley. The person must use discretion: e.g. if an item is returnable, is trivial, is harmless, is inexpensive - don't pick that battle.

3. Praise and put away with him. Make the experience of a successful trip extra-enjoyable to reinforce the routine.

4. Add up. Prove the benefits of good home economics to him with numbers, for additional reinforcement of praise.

What is he buying to excess, or what is he buying that is way off what he and the family ever use?

Where does he like to shop?

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Shad, what about all the elderly people that are driving out on the road that ARE competent but they drive slow and you can barely see their head peeking out over the steering wheel. I see plenty of them out on the road. They are called Sunday Drivers. My 86 year old neighbor is one of them.

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Shad, tv hoarders is different from REAL life hoarders. My mom is a hoarder. The house was built in 1960. She has the original furnace in it. Original windows. She needs a new roof and the house needs to be sided. The hoarding doesn’t spill outside into the yard. It’s inside hoarding only.

The house next door sold for 200,000 and her house as is would be worth 50,000. Nothing remodeled. Nothing new inside. But it hasn’t stopped the houses around her for selling for 200,000.

Tv hoarders have a therapist to help them throw stuff out. My mother won’t throw anything out. Firefighters have been in the house as well as policemen and EMTs. Nobody condemned her house. The firefighters came in her house and put in carbon monoxide detectors and they put in smoke detectors. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

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Shad, you cannot legally take rights away from someone. If stepdad says he’s driving, then he’s driving. The only way you can stop it is to have him deemed incompetent!! Is he good enough to drive or bad enough not to drive? The only one that can make that decision is take him to 2 doctors and hope they deem him incompetent and then provide your evidence to a judge. It’s the only way to strip someone of their rights.

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My mom, 94 yrs old, always a food hoarder and a foodie, lives in her own home yet. I had to take control of the hoarding. She doesn’t drive anymore - hasn’t for 10 yrs. I bring groceries into her once a month. She makes out a list and I go shopping for her. Everything is kept under control and all her food is up to date. She doesn’t cook anymore, so everything is easy for her to put together for a meal. I make her meals once in a while In my own home, that she can heat in the microwave. What a relief not to have this hoarding problem anymore. It is more than I could bare for so long.

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Imho, as hoarding is a disorder, perhaps he needs to see his physician. Fifty bags of groceries is an excess.

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The hoarding isn’t hurting anyone. The driving around with dementia and possibly KILLING someone is a BIG problem. Disable the car!! My mother doesn’t drive anymore. She has been hoarding since 1998. I can’t stop her. She is competent and can live the way she wants to in her own house. I called APS on her and they told me that there is nothing you can do about a hoarding person if they have their mind. I’ve talked to doctors, nurses, social workers, policemen, firemen, etc. There is nothing you can do to help a hoarder if they are competent and don’t want the help. Period!

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If he's paying for the groceries, it makes him happy, and its not causing financial problems for him or your Mother then where is the problem?

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Quite possibly he forgets what he bought the last time out. It doesn't take long for this to become a storage problem. If he forgot what he bought last week, what about the week before and the week before that? I have a friend like that and she's a generation younger than your parent.

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My mother stopped driving 4 years ago because her car died. The car died after 20 years. She couldn’t afford to buy another one because she gambled all her money away. The hoarding has gone down tremendously since she’s not out shopping everyday. She takes call a bus once a week. She’s only allowed no more than 6 grocery bags. Get the keys away from your father. The hoarding will automatically be reduced.

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When you take something away without putting something better in its place, the person will fall down into the black hole you just created.

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My mother is 96 and lives alone in her 2 story house and is a gambling addict and a severe hoarder. She doesn’t want any help with anything. Since she has her mind and is competent there is nothing I can do about it except stay out of it. Treating a hoarder with therapy is almost impossible since the hoarder doesn’t think there is anything wrong with themselves. They blame everyone else. My mother is 96 years old and I don’t think at this point she is going to change since she doesn’t acknowledge it being a problem.

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She is happy with her life & not imposing on you or anyone else from what you explained..So why the need "to change her'?
Amy behavior is only a problem if the person decides it is so.
Better you just live your life to the fullest. She sounds like quite a remarkable lady

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Hoarding is an anxiety disorder often arising from trauma. I would try to bring in a therapist and possibly an organizer. The mild cognitive decline can be a barrier to success with cognitive behavioral therapy, but a therapist with experience should be able to help. Therapy for everyone in the family is appropriate now because you are going to need all the help you can get. Unfortunately, the very worst thing you can do is is throw away food without his knowledge or permission. Keep in mind it's only partially or tangentially about the food, but food is likely a huge metaphor. If he's in his eighties, he was no doubt impacted by the Depression. Many survivors have deep food insecurity.
You have your work cut out for you. I'd also be planning how you are going to get his keys. He has months, maybe, before driving will be out of the question. Good luck.

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Hi DeniMo, do you live with your parents or taking care of them from afar? I think taking the keys away from your father is way more important than the hoarding of food. If he has dementia he should not be driving at all!! Have a talk with his doctor about taking the car keys away before he kills himself or others out on the road!!!

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I would be sure I had a POA. Then get and cancel the credit cards or have one with a $100 limit on it. Get the doctor aware and tell him no more driving unless someone is in the car WITH HIM. Get plans in place to put him somewhere or control him more, i.e. a caretaker. Let him rant and rave - do NOT allow this behavior. Forcibly remove the items if need be. YOU set the rules. And do something with the car (so it won't start - but play dumb) and let the mechanic know that he is to NOT fix the car. When there is dementia, their rights go out the window at once as they are trouble waiting to strike. Do not let them get away with anything no matter what you have to do.

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she said 'he drives just fine'..you want to take away his independence, & the happiness he gets from shopping
Then make him a prisoner of his step daughters mores...give the guy a break
"Normal is nothing more than a selection on a washing machine"
Albert Einstein

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Hello and good luck with this pervasive and costly habit. It's a little help to realize that outdated canned goods are okay as long as they do not leak or bulge; the dry goods like pasta or cereal will get bugs quicker than scat! Weevils and Indian moths love that stuff and eat right through plastic to reach it. What I've done with Spouse is to rearrange groceries to leave the newest purchases within easy sight and take away items from the bottom of the pile, to be given away or discarded. He forgets what he bought last month, but remembers what he bought this week and may search for it.

If your garbage gets too full, dry goods may go into the green waste bin and their packaging into recycling, at least that's the way our garbage company sorts things.

Also, refrigerator shelves must look full to a hoarder's way of thinking, so I array a solid line of items at the front of each rack and take away things from the back as I reshuffle them. It's time-consuming but I hope this strategy works for you, too. Eliminating all items at once leads to "what happened to my stuff, what did you do with it," and nobody needs that sort of day.

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Nice strategies! Folks, this is how it's done - with creativity and love. ❤️❤️❤️

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My dad started losing short term memory in his late 70s. At 80 he still drove just fine, wasn’t getting lost but got addicted to his Sams Club trips. The house and garage were full , and I mean to the rafters full, of paper and cleaning products.

There was no arguing with him about it. So I’d call my nephews, they’d back up to the garage and I’d load Em up.

Eventually I had to end the driving and that was no fun. I had already gotten rid of his charge cards. They seem to have gotten lost.

When I finally got my folks in care I cleaned out the house and sold it. That was 2017. I’m still using dads trash bags, dishwashing liquid and other stuff. I may have to buy some cleaner in a year or two.

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Me too! I won’t need to buy salt, baking soda, waxed paper or foil for years.

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My dad has always been a compulsive buyer. Mom was recently moved to Memory care and dad now lives alone. I swear my dad had shares in paper companies. Between paper towels, tissues and toilet paper, he could stock a grocery store. His problem was a Costco card. He recently had to give up his car and drivers license, hence no more trips to the grocery store. We now bring him whatever he needs. There is a lot of money wasted with these purchases. I would take his buying power away. Pretend he’s lost his cards.

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Maybe the OP's stepfather can be convinced that, because of his age, it is especially dangerous for him to go out to shop because of COVID-19; therefore, someone younger should be doing the shopping.

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Hoarding not only of food but also other items is very common. I think part of it may be learned behavior from when they were younger, living thru depression recovery era, rationing during WWII, single family earners. MIL always said "ya gotta get it while you can " I tried to limit how many body washes and packages of pantyliners to no avail, even showing them how many they have doesn't seem to work. Had a great aunt that was a food hoarder unknown to the family until she needed to move in with my parents. We sorted, tossed out expired canned items, boxed up the rest of the canned goods and donated to a local food pantry, they made 3 trips with their panel van. I cleaned out a refrigerator that was only a year old, she had burned out the compressor by cramming so much stuff in there the doors wouldn't shut, removed 7 large black garbage bags of rotting food and my appetite, not a pretty site or smell. She lived an hour away, would meet us outside when we came to pick her up for visits to our home, didn't want us too far in the house, her living areas were impeccably neat and clean so what you could see seemed to be fine. She tried to do the same at my parents house, we would make an inventory list of what we had in stock, no auntie, we still have xyz, we don't need that right now, but we do need ABC, let's go look for that. It helped to save arguments. Could you use the excuse that you need to run to the store do they need anything. Bring bags in with canned goods smuggled out of their house so he thinks he's stocking up on stuff? It worked with the body wash and shampoo.

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That is a genius idea, to sneak their own stuff out and bring it back in!

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The truth is that he has probably gone beyond mild cognitive dementia. It's been building up and now you can see the effects of it.

I had the same thing with my mom, who is now 95 and in Memory Care. She would have 5 bags of sugar in the house, and buy another one. We live in the south, and she couldn't 'get' that packages of food needed to be well sealed. I kept throwing out the bags that were stale or infested, and this went on for a while. She had an impressive collection of dry pasta and cereal. It would be funny if it wasn't so...not funny.

Fifty bags is extreme. I would return any dry goods and explain to the grocery, and maybe you can donate the rest. If he goes to the same grocery story then maybe you can alert them?

Not sure what the solution is here other than to say the dementia and the behavior sneaks up on you until...someone brings home 50 bags of groceries. We don't want anyone to get hurt or go broke, so we as their loved ones have to take action. If that means no more debit cards or car keys, that's what it means.

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My mom has always had hoarding tendencies that baffled us. She would buy small appliances in case the that she was using broke--coffee pots, sewing machines, vacuums--and every kind of cooking tool you can imagine. When we cleaned out her condo after a stroke, I realized that this was her manifestation of OCD. Now that she is in a much smaller independent living apartment with visiting aides, I really have to watch her spending and hoarding. To deal with her driving demands, I had the physician settle the question. I presented it that I had concerns about safety, but mom thought she was capable. We need a tie-breaker. Are you a legal rep for your stepfather too? If not, is anyone?

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Doctors know all and we're just picking on them when we say no more driving

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Stocking nonperishables is ok. Food that is shelf stable will not go bad for a long, long time. Maybe it would help to have him "check supplies" with you and make a list of items needed before he goes grocery shopping. I recently reorganized my own pantry and "found" some items I thought we were out of. So there is that to consider. He probably feels like he is "providing" when he does the shopping. If he doesn't stick to the list, or more likely loses the list, it might be better to go shopping with him and have somebody else sit with mom while you do so.

Let him do the driving to see for yourself if he is a safe driver. If not, call the police to require him to have a driving fitness test at the DMV. If he can't pass their test, it is time to take his care keys away.

As for finances, it might be a good idea to "look over" the finances with him to make sure financials have not gotten too difficult for him.

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That's sound advice but not for someone with dementia. They can't check lists and they can't manage information.

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If he has dementia, he shouldn't be shopping OR driving. Take the car keys away. A man who brings home 50 bags of groceries at one time should probably not be behind the wheel of a 2,000 pound vehicle. Imagine the choices he could make there. Hoarding food is a serious health and financial risk to your parents. Would talking to his doctor have any effect on his behavior? Does he respect and remember his doctor's advice? If so, it might be helpful to make a phone appointment (or 2 - an earlier one in which you explain the problem, and one with your father where the doctor explains that hoarding causes more problems than it solves).

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My father used to do the same thing. He would have 150 cans of chicken noodle soup in the closet and of mostly things he liked. I could never stop him from doing this. I made a list if things he DIDN'T need, and he got very offended, refused to take the list, and walked out in a huff. Sigh.....

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If possible return what can be returned.
Is he using cash or charge card for his shopping? If charging have you checked statements to see if he is doing other spending that may put them in financial trouble? Are bills being paid properly?
If he is using cash...should he be walking around with that much cash on him...
If he is using a credit card can you put a limit on the card?
Do they have someone named as POA for financial and health decisions?
It sounds like your s-dad should not be shopping by himself.
I also wonder about the driving...usually by the time "we" recognize that there is some form of dementia the cognitive ability is such that decision making capabilities and things like driving should be reevaluated.
Again..return what you can, give away (donate) what can not be returned or used before it spoils.

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I hope you have discovered the secret of stocking your shelves with the newest canned or box foods in the back or on the bottom. The older items on top or in front.
Try not to just throw the foods in the cabinet then shut the doors. It will make life much easier if sorted.
I only have me to feed now, so I guess I have twice as much food as before.
Same with toilet paper and paper towels. I feel I am pretty well stocked but not over stocked.
I have pretty much had this attitude since that storm in '52 or '53.
We were the only ones with lights, gas, and refrigeration.
Coal oil lamps, bottle gas for the cook stove, and kerosene refrigerator. The Landlord had nothing.
A typhoon in '76 left us with out power for over two weeks. Had to cook on a little hibatchi pot in the back yard. No hot water. Bathed and shaved with cold water. House was all electric. Food spoiled if not eaten right away.
Charcoal was home made and cost $5.00 a pound. shared the pot with the neighbor. We made it though.
Now this covid thing. I am doing good through it.
the worst to happen to me is my drivers license expired and I had to wait two months to get an appointment to renew it.
Stocking up is okay, hoarding must be watched.

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Yes, "F.I.F.O." (first in, first out) is an excellent policy--it's what the stores themselves follow.

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Offer to put the groceries away for him. Get the receipt and immediately return what is possible to take back, if at all.

Put out many varieties of late night snacks, in case he is feeling deprived.

Freeze, or cook and freeze anything that you can do that with.

Serve lots of the fresh stuff, not opening any cans until gone.
Cook vegetable that will spoil, then freeze in zip lock baggies.
Make a huge pot of stew, then put in small portions and freeze.

Do not shop yourself until the food Dad brought home is used up.
Thank him for the extra food.

Next time, go with him?

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Mu cousin did the same thing but no dementia, just normal aging. When she was hospitalized , I checked her fridge and cupboards. The food in the fridge was expired, cupboards were full and most canned goods expired. She had nuts for about two years. My niece and I threw out everything it took us at least 8 hours. Talked to the manager and told her to check on her periodically, otherwise she will eventually have a infestation problem, she was happy I told her. Hired a cleaning lad, she also shops for her, cancelled her meals on wheels for awhile. She had meals on wheels 3 times per day. She had at least 20 in the freezer and ten in the fridge all expired. Told her if she continued she will have to move to assisted living. I am her medical POA. She is doing much better, I call her cleaning lady occasionally and she updates me. I used to make a surprise visit and check on her but with Covid, no visitors allowed. Be firm and insist on doing the shopping. He should not be doing the shopping, too risky with our current situation. I do the shopping for all of us. Hope things get better.

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You're right, he shouldn't be doing any shopping. I've explained that to him, but I can't stop a grown man from doing what he wants to do. Initially he was fine with only me going out, but as things have gone on, he has started going more and more.

I think I'll just continue doing clandestine clean outs.

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Good luck. My Dad is 91 and has hoarded food and vitamins for a long time. My step Mum was able to keep him in check, but that ended 5 years ago and the hoarding has escalated.

Luckily most the hoard are foods with long shelf lives, but I recently threw out a bag of apples from last year.

Dad’s hoarding has escalated due to Covid and conspiracy podcasts he listens to. He is convinced he must stock up on food to save the family. He also wants to expand the veggie garden again.

I have tossed out medicines and vitamins with best before dates of 1996, 2002 etc. I donated 40 pounds of rice and 25 pounds of split peas to a local food program.

The only thing slowing down the shopping is Dad is no longer going to stores due to Covid. My brother is doing the weekly shopping for him and limits contributions to the hoard.

Sorry I have no solutions for you. One suggestion, if your stepdad is bringing home perishable foods, donate them to your local food bank.

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Tothill,
Bless your dads heart. Good idea about donating.

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Stepdad is food hoarding, any suggestions?

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