How do I stop a jealous non-caregiver sibling from harassing me?

There's one in every family... I also have a sister who seems to think that the world owes her. She was the only grandchild to get anything from my grandfather's estate (no, it was not in the Will - my mom). She's told my us my parents house is hers when they pass (uh... why? That is not in their Will)

There is nothing you will be able to do to get her to stop. If she's that jealous and greedy (or thinks she's entitled) you will not change her behavior. By trying to appease her your enabling her. All of this is from my experience with my sister. My therapist recommend I stop engaging her. We will talk but as soon as she starts with the crap I literally get up and walk away.
Does your mom have dementia? Is she of "sound mind" if so, I would gather all supporting documentation of what you have done with the home and go to a lawyer. If possible get your other siblings support. Explain you would get like your invest back as a "thank you" for taking care of your parents so they didn't. Ask if it can be separate from the "inheritance". Did the100K investment increase the property value? Point that out - you made all of them a little extra.

@julidu, thanks for the advice, and I'm sorry about your sister. My mom is of sound mind and has told my sister numerous times what the situation is, sent her the will, etc., but it doesn't seem to penetrate. We're going to consult with an estate planner about fool-proofing the will, and I would like for my mother to write a letter to all the sibs about how much I have invested in the house and the help I have given her and my dad, and get them to sign it. My investment has increased the property value - we added another bedroom and full bathroom among other things. Ironically, when she was here, my sister pointed out all the things I haven't upgraded yet. At least dealing with her makes me appreciate the nice people in my life even more.

So I am assuming your mother and you are on the deed. Your mother can gift the house to you as long as she doesn't need the money for five more years. Then it would be yours. However, your sister is going to be real trouble so I would seek the advice of a lawyer to tie up all the loose ends and to make sure this is all legal.

Be prepared to piss off all of your siblings. Sorry but this is why it is best not to put your kids on your property/accounts before you die. Just leave it all in your estate and let them divide it up when the dust settles.

One reason most lawyers advise not leaving out children from a will or showing favorites is because of the legacy it creates. You leave discord behind and anger. You have to ask yourself is that what you really want to do. It carries on to the next generation and never ends.

Poor you the sh.... is about to hit the fan here too! Whatever you do do not take your name off those deeds! Get a lawyer and POA your mum dosnt want her there so that part is easy.

My mum has five kids 4 who give a crap none of us 4 own a house my elder sister had 2 houses paid in full has never helped my mum out when things were quite tough here im going way back. Now my mum has left the house to us 4 BUT has put in her will that my sis gets X amount when house is sold? So if we have to use mums house for her care in a NH there may be little left for us BUT my sis may get her share coming out better than us?? Its so hard to discuss this with my mum as she just says i dont really want to leave her anything But im afraid shed commit suicide if I left her nothing? Family coming next week to discuss mums care and if we are to give up our inheritence for mums sake then why should she get anything? I myslelf will have to talk to a lawyer but if mum dosnt change her will now then i dont think we stand a chance. Its not the money its her getting a share when shes done nothing for mum her whole entire life. So hard for parents to see thier kids turn out so selfish and still feel they have to leave them something?

@palmtrees1, I am on the deed because I have put over $120,000 into the house. In retrospect, I wouldn't have done it this way. My parents would have had to sell their decrepit house (in a down market) and gone into assisted living, which neither of them wanted to do. My mother is not leaving any of her part of the house to me in her will, so I actually only receive what I already have paid for, not to mention the work I have put into caregiving. As I said, I would gladly get off the deed if I could recoup only my investment in order to buy a house for myself. My sister is unable to grasp that she is actually getting more than I will, and she didn't sacrifice eight years of paychecks and Social Security. Most likely, we will sell the house before my mother dies, I will take only the money I put into it, and my mother can leave the rest to the SPCA if she so wishes. I'd love to see my sister bring a lawsuit against a bunch of cats.

@kazzaa, if I understand your arrangement, your sister only gets a share of the proceeds from the house when your mum dies. So if you have to sell it beforehand for your mum's care, your sister won't get anything (it's the same with my mom's house). I know just how difficult it is to talk with your mum about her estate and her wishes for her end of life care, but I would advise having a family meeting with the lawyer, so it's clear to everyone involved what the arrangements are. I wish I had done that before we moved in to my mother's house.

....as an old song goes....she's trouble with a capitol T. Sounds like if she screams and yelps enough she's used to getting her way. If you don't care about the money...sell the house so Mom can have some peace and quiet in ass. living. They usually cost from 3 to 5 thousand a month....when the money is gone there usually is a type of elder waiver that will help out. Save your/her money and document document document everything that goes on. Not emotional name calling etc. just make sure you let "them" know what a pain she's been and what you've done for your Mom. Save documents and make everything neat and easy to get through. I think your sister is mentaly ill really so until Mom passes and maybe after--sis will always have temper tantrums--because ---she can and throws fear/anger into everyone---translation: she's getting attention bad or good---IT'S ALL HERS AND SHE'S HAPPY!

It sounds very similar to my situation. I am the youngest of five children. Ever since my mother went into a nursing home last year, it has been H**l to pay. Although I will always love my older siblings, for now I have distanced myself from the two oldest with no contact. I need this distance so that I can love and care for my mother for what little time she has left. Last, but not least, get an attorney. If they won't respect your boundaries, review all of your options with an attorney.

My family has a similar issue. I have one sibling, who married a very greedy lawyer. My mother took me to her lawyer, and what they did was very clever. The whole thing was put in a trust, I was made trustee, and included in the document is a provision that if I am attacked by them legally, I am allowed to pay to defend myself with their portion of the inheritance. They also get nothing if they contest the will.

They lawyer looked at me, and said "they aren't going to be friends with you after this, you understand that, right?" You bet! they're not friends with me now anyhoo, so who cares! LOL At any rate, I think you should follow suit. I found once this was in place, I did not get upset at their shenanigans, because I had ironclad protection. I sleep well now!

From my understanding maybe I am wrong but if you are on the deed as an owner, if mom dies the house is yours. If you are on the deed as having a right of residence you can live there for life. I don't know how you are hearing stories on facebook unless you still have her as a friend, or you actively search her out. Unfriend her if not already and get off facebook, create more issues than it is worth. Get a POA and DPOA for your mother, review the will if necessary, take her and anyone else off it that she does not want on it. She can say what she wants, but she really will get nowhere, any proofs would be her burden to prove. I would forget about her and move on, the house is in reality half yours and that is that, say goodbye to things and people that do not enhance your happiness, you have enough to deal with your mother's care, believe me.

Argiope, I agree with Madeaa. Check out the title and deed for the house. There are various arrangements. This is a legal document. For example, a married couple might typically have a 'joint with rights of survivorship' arrangement for a real estate purchase. When one dies, the house automatically passes to the survivor - it does NOT pass by stipulations of the will. The Title/deed preempts the Will. Check the title first, then let us know what it says. AND, yes get OFF Facebook. You can only be bullied if you are reading what she is posting.

Do as Sammyorb suggests go to an elder lawyer, build a trust, if they contest it fees comes out of their share. Then for your personal growth and peace of mind start theraphy. It will give you coping skills in how to deal with your mother. Your sister is escalating her behavior, nip it in the bud for your mother and your family's sake. good luck

When were you put on the deed? If you have been live in caregiver for two years prior to mom needing nursing home, memory care of whatever, the house can be transferred to you without Medicaid penalty in most states. I would not give in to your sister. What has she done to help other than cause trouble?

Ask your best respected friends for recommendations on trusted and very good tax, finance experts and a good lawyer. (I found a wonderful tax man who brought tremendous rational calming protection to our process... his balanced perspective made all the difference it the world).

I sat down calmly and thought through the insanity that was happening to me. Then, the next time I saw my (crazy) sister, I told her that this is a HUGELY emotional time for everyone. It was my intention to move through the time with kindness. While she may not always understand what I was doing, my intentions are to come through this challenging time treating each other with kindness and respect and that in the long run, it was my hope that as a family we would all be closer together than we were on that day...

I could not speak for her. I did not want to tell her what to do and I did not go into all the monster responsibilities and financial considerations... that was it.

Also, I will be forever thankful to the person on this site who told me to tell my Mom that I loved her every day and hug her when I could.

My only regret now that both my parents have died and my siblings are splitting what ever remains (I am doing ALL the work to make that happen), is that I did NOT look out for myself in the beginning. I did not realize that caregiving would take over my whole life and that an equal distribution in the end is NOT fair.

However, I've made peace with it all. No amount of money would give me my brother and sister (the uncle and aunt for my children). We are not super close, but we are OK today and for that... it does not matter that I was not on top of the finances to ensure that I got what I was due.

I hope all that makes some sense. While I think you MUST protect yourself and your family, perhaps your siblings don't know how to be close to your Mom and they have not had the smarts that you have to live a connected and giving life.

At one point I told my sister to consider visiting my mother at least once a month. She did that for the last two years of Mom's life. She will never credit me for making the suggestion, but I know she would not have done it on her own. She is so much happier today that she got to spend a few weekends with her/our Mom... and when she came, I took the days off to do much needed things for myself and my family.

Try to be kind and respectful in what every you do. Try to help other family members figure out ways that they can become part of the caregiving process, even if it's just a hug or a message of love.

At the end of the day, there is so much richness in families that treat each other with respect and kindness and all I can do is start with me... (and also don't be a door mat).

My best wishes to you in this journey. May you find great contentment and peace in your extended family in the long run...

First, go to a lawyer and get everything legaled up with no loopholes. After that, tell your sister to stop harassing you or you'll sue her next for just that. Never mind her issues - she's a noisy horn. All talk and no action. You gotta get tough with siblings like this. Your pastor also may be able to tell you about your biggest enemies being those of your own household.

Argiope, Unfortunately when you said your sister has already blown thru a bunch of other money, that tells me that IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY! My opinion is, she's supporting some sort of habit, either legal or illegal or even another person, and she needs cash. Don't let her ruin your life, your mother's life, your siblings lives or anything else. She has got herself into a hole, and she's expecting mommy to bail her out which is probably what mom and dad have done all their lives. Tell her you're sorry she's financially messed up, but you're done talking about this. If she wants to make a legal stink she'll need a lawyer and believe me the lawyer will want money, which she doesn't have. Forget it. Enjoy your mom while you have her.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I know exactly where you're coming from because I have a brother who did nothing for Mom for 25 years other than keep her yard mowed. Mom lived with me the last ten years of her life other than the last six months in a nursing facility. I visited 3 - 7 times a day to be sure she wasn't lonely, or just to watch her favorite program with her, to fix her hair, to be sure she was getting her medicines and proper care. I had provided round the clock care for her for the ten years prior and never got a thing from him. Yet, when it was time for the "estate" to be settled, you can bet he was the first one there, trying to see what he was getting. Well, he got zip, zilch, nada. Mom was so upset and angry with him for what he'd done, she put in the will, "I give you what you gave me, nothing." Sounds harsh, well, so was his neglect of her. She knew what I had given up to care for her and she wanted to be sure I didn't suffer for it once she was gone. Her "estate" was a small house, but my husband, son and I are happy in it (we'd only bought the larger home because we knew she'd need to live with us and wanted the family to be comfortable). My family did what was right for Mom so I have no regrets where Mom is concerned and quite frankly, my selfish brother got exactly what he deserved, a slap on the wrist and written out of the will.

If you are on the deed and have been for more than two years, you own half the house. Should your Mom need nursing home care and go on Medicaid, they will look at the home for ownership of five years back, but even so, if losing the home makes you homeless, Medicaid Expense Recovery Program known as MERP has little recourse against you. Check the laws for MERP for your state - even though Medicaid is Federal, it's laws vary by state since it's state run program. And an Elder Care Attorney is a must, well worth any fees he/she might charge.

And honey, YOU DO DESERVE the money. Even if you gave the sibling everything she wants it would never be enough. You know this, so why bother trying? Keep the money for yourself as you will need it. You've given up your retirement income for your Mom, so why should you suffer just to appease an ungrateful, unhappy, bitter, jealous, money-grabbing sibling? The simple answer, YOU SHOULDN'T. Care giving breaks a person down, emotionally, mentally and physically and this sibling has robbed you of more than you know by adding to your stress. She's also caused your Mum stress and your Mum doesn't deserve that either, she deserves to be happy in her days. And you've provided that for your Mum, your sister has only contributed grief. DON'T REWARD YOUR SISTER FOR BAD BEHAVIOR - instead, reward yourself for being the person who faced an exorbitant task with love, patience and a clear head.

Why not, when your Mum does pass, buy a smaller home, one that requires far less maintenance and then treat yourself to a cruise or a trip to Europe, or whatever your fantasy vacation is? Don't tell your sibling where you're moving to, Cut all ties with her or she'll hound you over the money. I know I had to just finally tell my brother how little I thought of him and told him not to cal me ever again. And I'm finally happy, why, because I'm not dealing with his drama anymore. Why let her destroy your's and your Mum's happiness? You've earned it, so do it!

Do you have a geriatric care manager? They can often help with sibling issues. If no help, then join the club. Many of us have had to deal with this sort of adversity and attacks and there is nothing that can be done with some. Stay strong.

I'm not actually on FB, but my elder sister unfortunately sends me the other sister's comments, which isn't helping anything. Elder sis is just so shocked at the difference between what middle sis says to our mom, and what she says on FB.

The deed is arranged so that my mother's part descends to the "remaindermen," my siblings, and I have life tenancy. I don't like this idea at all, because the remaindermen can inspect their property anytime, bring a lawsuit against me if they don't think I'm maintaining it properly and so on. I would want to sell the house asap, and the work getting rid of 50 years of my parents' stuff will fall on my shoulders. I've finally convinced my mother to part with things without getting so angry, but the decluttering is going very slowly (despite taking a dumpster full of garbage out of the house before we moved in).

@SammyOrb, thank you so much for sharing your arrangement! It sounds like exactly what I need to defend myself.

And thanks to everyone who responded! I had no experience dealing with these issues. All my grandparents passed before I was born, though I did hear about how grandad's new wife stole my uncle's property and the family silver. It just keeps repeating through the generations.

Argiope, it sounds to me like you've gotten the answer you needed. I think you're right to sell the house, because of the reasons you stated. Mom should live in an apartment close to you or in an ALF, depending on her medical needs at the time. Ask the elder sister to quit updating you on the FB nonsense. You are correct to cut ties with the troublemaker as much as possible. She sounds like she's nuts, not just selfish and narcissistic. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, but know that it's not about you or anything you've done. You sound like a kind, generous person and you are to be commended for stepping up to help your parents.

The decluttering will probably speed up as time goes on - you've gotten through the worst part which is getting Mom started. That is huge and congratulations!!

You are headed in the right direction and doing great! I know it takes a toll on you, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. (And, no, that's not a train headed toward you!) Keep us posted, we are in your corner.

Thanks babylettuce! We just made an appointment to see an elder-focused estate planner next Wednesday. I'm looking forward to getting things straightened out and lifting this burden. I think it could be good for my mom to have her own place and a change of scene, with family members close by to help out.

Argiope,
You have to see a Lawyer as soon as possible !! Get this " All " done legal and proper so there is no room for conjecture on your sib's part. Unless she has a "shady" Lawyer or Judge to help her cause, you will be,... shall we say,... safe from her nastiness. Good luck and God Bless on your endeavor.

It sounds as if your sister could be a narcissist. Narcissists have a very strong feeling of self-entitlement, especially when money is involved. Part of their brain has not developed past that of a two-year old, (I am not joking). Personality disorders are difficult to diagnose, but it sounds as if she is either very difficult or does indeed have a personality disorder.

I see you have written 4 hours ago that you have made an appointment with an attorney. Hopefully, it is a certified eldercare attorney. Since you are currently a co owner of the house, do to your substantial investment - not even including the caretaking of first your dad and now your mom - it is reasonable that the decisions about what to do with the house are not just your moms but also yours. Don't short change yourself or your family in order to get out from under a crazy sibling. Nothing short of giving her everything and shutting up yourself is going to satisfy her. She has done nothing and yet is willing to take everything. She is not your friend, the two of you will never be friends and you will most likely not have a relationship when this is over. In other words, nothing you do will ever appease her because you cannot cure her of her psychological problems.

Whatever you and your mother decide to do after considering the attorney's advice, I personally feel it would be a good idea to have a doctor or two include certification that your mom is competent. When greedy folks down the line decide to challenge legal documents, that's one of the areas they go after, and it's something hard to prove one way or the other after the fact.

Upon re reading your post to which I was responding, I see you have referred to an "elder-focused estate planner". Is this person an attorney? If not, please check in your area for an NAELA attorney. Anything less could cause you trouble down the line under the circumstances you are facing.

As soon as I start reading what some of you are going through I stop feeling sorry for what my mother in law is putting us through. For the first time ever I am grateful that my husband is an only child. May God bless all of you!

We have someone in our family that thinks she is owed inheritance, which we believe we are not. If dad spends all his money that is his freedom to do so. He earned it and it is his until the day he passes on. Personally, I would talk to your mother about selling the house to recoup your $100,000 before she passes on. You don't want to end up on the short end if your sister decides to get ugly. You have to protect yourself and your mother. Just be sure to keep proof of the investment into the home you paid for with your money. good luck...

When I read things like this I am so glad I am an only child. Yes I only have me to rely on.. but! I feel for you all, and it makes me aware it could be so worse

When you and your mom go to the ATTORNEY (!), make sure your mom goes in definitely knowing and STATING what she wants, no waffling, no "remaindermen" (which is unfair to you and not at all to your benefit considering your time and money invested). AS LONG AS YOUR MOM IS COMPETENT, SHE CAN CHANGE, AMEND OR REWRITE ANYTHING ALREADY EXISTING ! ! !

We've gone to two attorneys, for the deed and the will, which is why we're in this mess. Neither of them gave good advice. We're going to sort through our options with the Certified Financial Planner, and then find a better attorney once we decide on a course of action. The attorneys here charge $250 to $500 an hour, so you have to go in knowing exactly what you want them to do.

If your mother does not want this sister at the house, a restraining order can be placed on your sister. Secondly, with your mother's permission, have her quit-claim her interest in the house to you and your husband. That will solve the problem when she dies. You have invested too much money in this house to give it up. You deserve to stay there, if you want. If mom needs to go into a nursing home, then she can apply for Medicaid and she won't have any assets. Thirdly, contact Facebook, tell them she is threatening your good name and ask them to remove her Facebook page. Show them your restraining order. Then do not talk with her - EVER. If she cannot get the attention she so desperately needs, she may turn violent. Protect yourself, your mom and your husband. Yours won't be the first family with an unstable or viscous family member. Good luck!