Strategies for moving an unwilling Mom to assisted living?

I hope you remember to find comfort in the fact that you have done the right thing even though it has been the painful and hard thing. I think some of the suggestions including letting mom know that the docs say this is what she has to do might help. It might surprise you that if you are really honest with your mom about how much it hurts you to be the one that had to tell her and make it happen, she just might start to soften. Cry with her, let her know you are so grateful that at least it is a really nice place. Bless you. I hope she adjusts sooner than later.

The screaming sounds horrible. I wonder if part of the ideal preparation for such a move could be a prescription for anxiety drugs or antidepressants or sedatives. Maybe start the drugs a month before the actual move, and then hopefully less anxiety and agitation on actual moving day? Has anyone done this?

My dad moved to AL just over a month ago. I have been shopping for a place for a long time and after a hospitalization, he was told he could not go back home and we moved him right to one of the AL's I had picked out. He continues to ask to go back to his house all the time. I just ignore him and change the subject and tell him I can't do that - that the doctor's say 'no'. I have guardianship and as long as I am guardian, he is staying where he is. When I got there yesterday, he was talking to a gentleman in the lobby, introduced me to a lady on the elevator, told me about a resident meeting he went to, and was disappointed I was there because he was unable to go to his exercise class. But then, he starts in whining and whining about going home. We have a good friend of his on our side and he is helping get the message through. It is going to take a long time for him to accept this, if ever. Without the hospitalization, we would not have been able to move him. Hospital to AL via medical transport. I don't get upset that he constantly treats me like cr*p one minute and then praises me to everyone the next. Gotta figure it's the dementia talking.

Roxy, there is light at the end of the tunnel but this is a rough patch that will take awhile. My mom was very similar to yours. She was still WITH IT somewhat, knew place, time etc. but her executive reasoning had been terrible for a couple years.

I moved her straight to assited living from the hospital after a bad fall. My fib was THIS IS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER. But she figured that out in a few days and cried, threatened to get a lawyer and then I got the silent treatment for weeks.

It all made me feel like crap but this is a heart and head thing. Rational thought has to overcome the guilt.

I had bamboozeled dad into the place with her a few days later. He was swinging at aides and demanding his car keys but his dementia was such that he could be diverted pretty easily.

Block her calls, maybe even keep the phone from her. Pull back, no visits, just watch from afar. I would go and spy on my folks in the dining room just having a high time with their new friends.

My mom died 4 months later. She lightened up on me a little but never forgave me for putting her in that HORRIBLE PLACE. It’s been over a year now since she died. I’m better. Even having nice memories of mom from way back.

Youll make it through this.

Hi All,
Some of you asked for a follow up on my situation, so here it goes. Warning, this will largely be a venting post. I officially moved my mom yesterday. Unfortunately I was never able to get her on-board with the move, so I had to trick her into going. I took her out to lunch and then took her to the AL. I was able to get some furniture out of her house without her noticing. I ordered a brand new bed and stocked the kitchenette and bathroom with treats etc. I did my best to make it as cozy as possible, but it still looked a bit stark with the limited furniture and nothing on the walls. I was hoping against hope that she would see the beginnings of what could be really nice and I could go collect the items from home she wanted. No luck.
She started shrieking the minute we got in the room. She screamed how much she hated me, called me an asshole multiple times, shoved me with her walker, started screaming "help" over and over and then just resorted to plain old screaming at the top of her lungs. I was really concerned at first because a staff member told me they couldn't keep her there against her will, but after a conversation with an attorney I was told my guardianship was enough to keep her there. I finally left the room and the staff took over and managed to get her calmed down. I basically sat in the hall for 3 hours balling. The staff were extremely gentle and compassionate with both my mom and I, and I am so grateful for that. I know it's my mom's dementia and fear that are causing her to behave this way, but it's so hard to be constantly pummeled with it.
My mom and I have always been tremendously close, but I have now had to assume the role of enemy number one. I know it's what needs to be done, and I know I am making the right choices. I have the support of her siblings and others who care about her, but I'm not sure I've ever done something so hard in my life. My heart hurts horribly and I'm so worried she will never settle in. Currently she is calling my phone every 5 minutes begging to come home. I am not answering the phone because I know it won't be productive for either of us. I have been checking in with the nursing staff for updates. They are not reporting any change in her mood, and she is going on hunger strike, which is not good since she is diabetic.
How have you all coped with this situation? I can best describe my current state as "on the verge of tears at all times." I am grateful to be at work today surrounded by people and distractions, but I am so scared there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

Ive dropped off three kids in three different states for college (they got jobs and stayed there) and that was no comparison to dropping off my dad at AL after HUGE resistance, he called it the dungeon, said people go there to die and I’ve never been so stressed or guilty feeling especially when he sobbed when it was time for me to leave him after move in.The way I finally worked is that I said that i could get in trouble with authorities if I left him alone at my house as he could barely walk and couldn’t get his own food or anything he said he didn’t care if we left him alone and said he’d be fine so I finally said he had to “try” AL until we could get things figured out or get someone hired to help. He knew I couldn’t physically care for him any more as he had to be lifted into shower etc. and requires a very high level of care. I did promise that if he hated AL after a month we would revisit what to do. I said he had to try it ,for me not for him . Well 7 mos later he’s still lonely at times(he’s 91 and has too many physical probs to partake in activities) but he feels secure in that someone is always there to help him, plus they allow pets and although he doesn’t have one he loves seeing them. It’s a huge plus to find AL that allows pets. It’s SO hard and I pray a lot but know you’re doing the right thing, I also fly solo and yes that’s even harder, good luck to you and there’s some good advice here!

Old Bob has a very valid point on "observation." I don't know if that would work for you or not, but it's worth a go.

This may not help the person who originally asked the question, but I was in this situation a couple of months ago with my dad; and I too was the only one making the decision, since my only brother has been uninvolved his entire adult life. Daddy was starting to fall at home, and I knew he didn't need to be alone anymore. He was lonely and still grieving my mom's death nearly two years ago, was not eating properly, and getting steadily worse with congestive heart failure; but he resisted leaving the only home he and my mom had ever lived in.

I asked him could I find him a temporary place to go, just to get off a knee that hurts and no longer supports him; and to become established on a heart-healthier diet after multiple trips to the hospital to have escess fluid drained off. I put it to him that I thought he would benefit from a month of care in a "place." He readily agreed. I was surprised, but I jumped right into finding that "place."

He did change his mind less than 24 hours later, but I told him I had already started the process with his "medical team." I called his doctor and shared things that he neglected to tell any of them when he was in the office, and they were very helpful. I was confident enough to explain to Daddy that his "medical team" had decided the best course for him was to go for a few days to an excellent rehab facility in town. Because I put it to him that way, and I never allowed him to believe it was anything but his "team" making the best decisions for him, he was fine with it all the way to the facility. He even made a little bit of progress, though he planed out after only a few days there. He requested an extension twice and wound up staying for 16 days.

While he was there, I began the process of figuring out how to keep him from returning home. There were multiple emails and texts and conversations from A Place for Mom and case workers at the rehab hospital, but his medical team did ultimately decide he needed a 30-day respite stay in an assisted living after his discharge, so the decision was made by his "team," and not by me. I just plunged ahead and found the place, and set it all up. He began to tell his therapists all about it and how his doctors thought it would be good for him.

He was very hesitant on move-in day, but my family and I had taken care of the move for him so that was all set up with his things when I took him there to stay.

In his heart he knows he can't go home. He can't walk anymore and must have the wheelchair. His home is not accessible, and he can't feed himself. That hasn't stopped him from complaining bitterly and from holing up in his room like a hermit the first three weeks he was there. He would call me the first few days when he should have called a nurse on the premises. He still calls as many as six times a day with random questions about whether or not I've had lunch and what did I have. But he's finally ventured out and has discovered the miracle of dominoes! And Bingo! He is even allowing us to discuss what to do with his house.

I think all this is meant to encourage anyone else with a resistant loved one. If my daddy has left a home of over 60 years, 100 acres of land he has worked for all his life, etc, I have confidence others will also find a way to get a loved one into the care he or she needs. It took a lot of prayer and patience. And I felt like I was deceiving him most every step of the way, but I did it because I love him and want him to be safe and happy. Hang in there!

My mother was resistant to move for years due to change in general and the effort, work and emotion involved with the move. We hired a professional senior moving service. They helped her decide what she needed most in the downsizing. When the time came, we took Mom out of her apartment and the movers packed, moved everything and set it up as planned. She walked into her new apartment at the senior building with everything set up, all of her things arranged comfortably and attractively including pictures on the walls, clothing hung up, dishes in cabinets, etc. It was worth every penny.

As for moving Mom, you and your mother can do an overnight trip somewhere nice and close to home while this is set up. Can she stay with you after a nice dinner out and a movie? Then when you take her home the next day it is to her new apartment. If she has dementia and is confused, just remind her that she was there before and liked it and agreed to move in. If she is resistant, tell her that her home had a lot of things that needed to be repaired and it would be too stressful to be there with workers coming in and out anyway. Tell her if she is really uncomfortable there she can always move somewhere else, but she has to be here for X amount of time. If she keeps insisting that she wants to move out, tell her OK but she has to find a place that will take her. She won't be able to do that, but you don't have to say no to her and it will self resolve over time.

I’ve got a suggestion and a story. Suggestion: Develop yourself a full day appointment for the day you need to make the move. Tell your mother that you need to sort out her care for the day. First choice, lunch and the day at the AL. If that doesn’t work, second choice is at your house with a carer – needs to be at your house because you have to provide lunch for the carer, and a lovely meal for both of you will be in the slow cooker. When she leaves, she goes to AL, not ‘home’, and everything is there in place. You work your butt off all day without her. Take photos or a video of ‘home’ next day with everything looking a terrible mess – she shouldn’t have a lovely picture left in her mind of it being perfect for her to walk back into. A few days later you can show her the photo of the ruins.

Story: In 1952 my mother left my appalling father, with me aged 5 and sisters aged 2 and 8. Years later she told me how she organised it in advance. She put stickers on the back of all furniture that was to go (eg the children’s beds), and sorted the drawer storage to separate his and hers. If he would have picked that things were in a different place, she put his at one end of the drawer and hers at the other end. She bought replacements for things that couldn’t easily ‘disappear’ and had them ready in the new place. She had some empty boxes out of sight at the back of a shed. When he had left for work, she did a whirlwind sort, ready for the moving van coming at lunch time. It went smoothly. I can actually remember sitting in the back of the moving van, with the bottom flap up so we couldn’t fall out and the top flap up so we could breathe, and looking at the road disappearing behind us – clearly pre OHS! About 10 years later, my future BIL went to work at the same place, and when talking about his girlfriend he was greeted with ‘Not George XXX’s daughter?!” (unusual surname). Appalling father was long gone, but his memory stayed green with people who he had told the next day that his wife had left him and ‘The worst thing is, she took the marmalade”.

You still have a few days to organise things, and some of this might spark some ideas for you. Stop worrying, and get practical! Yours, Margaret

One of the things that I found most useful was having four different doctors ALL tell her personally that she could no longer live alone. She would quote them. "Well, when four doctors tell you that you can't live alone......" She listened to them when she wouldn't listen to me.

Your Mom has dementia. Use this to your advantage. The staff deals with these kind of issues all day long. She may need medication for combative behaviors, but if she's still mobile & it's a GOOD AL facility, they will help with the transition. From my experience, make sure you are the only contact for them & do not have your brother listed on any HIPPA forms or emergency contact information-stating who can take her out of the facility, AND she needs NO money, credit cards, checks or access to these things in AL-you don't want her to! Be her advocate upon move in & in the future. The abuse will stop from her-as it did with my Mother-just stand your ground & stand up to her too! Always watch the AL staff & how things are handled. They promise the world , but don't always deliver it! It is NOT easy, but if you are choosing this route for her, at least keep yourself aware of what's happening around her, because she is not & will not be able to tell you. Get to the know the staff taking care of her, nurses & aides. The higher ups are concerned with the bottom line, not hands on care. My Mother is 92, demented, incontinent & it's been a little over 2 years since she moved to AL & it's never been easy-like your Mother-mine was never easy-ever! But, I will have no regrets when she's gone. Keep educating yourself! Good Luck! You are NOT alone!

Do you have a friend whom she likes or are there nieces, nephews, or grandchildren to help keep her occupied? What I would do is arrange for an outing or visit for her away from the belongings you need to move. Pick the day in advance and coordinate with the assisted living. In the meantime, pack possessions that she would not notice their absence. If possible the same day the outing is arranged after the possessions are moved, have the designated person along with you transport her to the facility. Engage the facility's help and expertise as much as possible. It's going to be difficult but you need to stay calm and strong. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Again, thank you all. Your kind words and advice are soothing and helpful.

Some additional info for those of you who have asked. I did manage to get my mom evaluated by the AL community last week. They deemed her appropriate for an AL environment. The community also has MC and skilled nursing when the time comes.

My mom's two dogs will be coming to live with my family (I would adopt a zebra at this point if it meant making this process easier!) I will be able to take them for visits to the AL whenever I want, they just can't live there.

I have explained to my mom that this is a risk free move. We don't have to sign a long lease, and we don't have to sell her house (yet.) My suspicion/hope is she will enjoy the place once she is there. When I took her for lunch there the other day, all of the residents were so friendly and outgoing, and the staff were interacting with them beautifully. Frankly, the place is kind of like an all inclusive resort. Of course, I know that while it may seem like a rational conversation is taking place with my mom, that is usually not the case. So all of these efforts to persuade her with logic are futile.

She is on an anti-depressant, but is extremely leary of any type of medication. I can barely get her to take Tylenol when she needs it. I doubt I will be able to get any thing extra into her for calming purposes.

I am fortunate to have a wonderfully supportive husband and two kids who understand what is going on. That being said, I am barely focused at work, and things in our day to day are slipping. I frequently feel like I can't budge from all of the emotion draining me dry. Today I have randomly burst out in hives. Fun stuff! I worry that this role as caretaker will take over my identity, but I am working hard to make sure I build time in for things I enjoy. Spending time with family and friends, going on walks, reading etc.

I think your mom will not accept any negotiations.
I think you will hav to take her to lunch or another errand and then go to the AL. Once there tell her you both need to go in to give them updates on her situation. Inform Al what the plan will be. Let the AL come up with a plan to keep her busy while you meet paid movers to load her things at home and move the necessary things right away for her. You can always get the smaller items later.
She will not be happy as you already know but it’s all part of the move. She will adjust at some point.
I have all respect for you for being strong enough to make this decision.

If sisters won't help or it doesn't seem to work well, other methods might work for getting her to agree to move "temporarily", such as:

- if she lives in her own home, some major work needs to be done (come up with something plausible - like turn off the heat, AC or water, so she can "see" there is a "major" problem.) Move is "temporary" until we sort it out.

- if she lives in an apartment, try the phony letter trick "from" the complex saying some renovations need to be done and residents need to move, temporarily.

Then, like OldBob says, you just repeat how the work is still going on, soon, soon.... workers having delays, parts not available, etc. Excuses, excuses, there are a million of them!

Because our mother got cellulitis just before the planned move, YB drafted the "Elder Services" letter saying she either moves to where we decide or THEY will place her! She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went. Even though it is now almost 3 years (January), she will still periodically mention going home. For the first 9 months, it was the condo they had for about 25 years. Then it was the house before that (along with asking about her mother, gone 40+ years!) It doesn't come up every time, but periodically it will. Fluff it off, use the 'soon' excuse, whatever to distract and change the subject. I never use the D word, never tell her that her mother is gone, never say NEVER will you go home/do this/see mom. It would be so painful to deny her outright and/or make her angry. I leave the "door" of hope open, defer by saying things like maybe tomorrow. She accepts that. Others maintain we should tell the truth. If the truth hurts, then fibbing is better. Lies are told to hurt others, fibs/bending the truth is done in these cases to protect the person, avoid upset and leave them with some hope.

Is your Mom able to manage assisted living on her own? It sounds like she may already be ready for memory care. My Mom managed to make it for about a year in assisted living, but she didn’t fit in, had to be prompted for mealtimes, and wandered around the halls aimlessly (and into other residents’ rooms). You might want to look around at availability for memory care in the area , just in case you get a phone call from the place and you have to quickly re-place her. As for moving her now against her objections, you could just go ahead with all the arrangements/ movers, and matter-of factly go forward. You know it’s the right choice, and that she isn’t safe on her own . I cleared out my mother’s hoard, and have been renting out her house for the last five years. It’s been a good steady extra income, and it helped to offset the cost of her care for the things that her long term care policy didn’t cover. I placed her house and some of her assets into a trust. Take care and please update us on your progress.

Hope it goes well. Others have asked, is it MC AL or just AL? If just AL, there's nothing to prevent her from walking out.

For the flip flop/threats/thinking we're OK to live alone, Mom's previously DID plan for AL, but once dementia kicked in, nope. She would visit ALs for free lunch/tours. At onset of early dementia, she repeated she was fine, independent and could cook. She refused to move ANYWHERE and if AL was mentioned, she nastily said she would never live in one of those places.

Although your mom changes her mind (they forget saying it was nice - mom forgot why we were there by the time we got her home - she thought we were looking at places for my brother!) and threatens, I wouldn’t worry about it. It's hard to hear what they say, but understand it's the condition, not your mom, talking. Distract, blame on doctor, redirect focus to something, whatever it takes to get her mind off what is upsetting her.

If you can move her belongings beforehand, go for it. Many say set up the room like it was at home. We couldn't do this, so we got new furniture. It's an option, if there's money to buy something new. You can pass it off as a temp place doctor ordered for her. If you must move stuff, you mentioned attempts to get her sisters to take her out for the day. That might work, if they can keep her long enough.

Have the sisters meet you at the AL for dinner and you all eat at the "restaurant." Pre-arrange with the facility for meals, then you all go right to her room. Sisters could oooh and ahhh over the place, reinforcing how nice it is, wandering about checking out everything! Once staff can distract her, y'all can beg off to use the bathroom, and leave. It's your decision whether to visit right away or not. Staff recommended not and ordered Lorazepam, just in case. So, work on that plan with sisters taking her for the day/dinner.

Some said try medication. Our mom refused moving, YB used a fake letter from medical to "force" the move. Facility wouldn't do "committals", aka guardianship, DPOA doesn't give you power to force a move. The Lorazepam they got was minimal dose. It doesn't take time to work (10-15 min, not days) and doesn't "dope" them up. It's just enough to take the edge off, calming (we used it later during a UTI/sun-downing episode!) In our case, I left it to my brothers to take her there and stayed away for about 2 weeks. I expected to get the blame, but surprise it didn't happen. It did with the car key, despite YB did all the talking/took the key, I just stood there, said nothing. Somehow because I was there, I took the key?

As for brother, ensure the facility knows he is NOT to escort mom anywhere. Whether he can visit or not should be up to you. If she is moving into AL not MC, this might present another problem. They can't guarantee he doesn't get in/leave with mom. Definitely NO info about when or where she is moving to. If he doesn't know where she is, it deters him gaining access. She should not be given money, credit cards or access to funds. Never mind brother, money/charges can be easily taken/bilked out of someone with dementia.

"I realize I probably just have to suck up whatever abuse she wants to send my way..." Sometimes this is what it is. Sometimes the backlash never happens. You just have to learn to let it slide and try to change the subject. If you do visit and she becomes unruly, beg off, say you'll be back when she calms down and leave. Often they complain to you about the place, food, staff, residents, etc., but when you aren't there, they enjoy, join in activities and seem to like it. You can always ask how she is doing and/or try to visit without her seeing you and observe yourself.

NO guilt. It is what it is, and by ensuring she is in a safe place and well cared for, you ARE taking care of her (and yourself.) Do come back and share your experience with us! We care and others might benefit from anything you did to smooth the transition.

Dear roxynicole,

In addressing your question: "How on earth do I do this to cause the least amount of agony for her and for me?" I'm just going to say that unless your mom is willing to make the move, you are not going to be able to avoid this agony for either of you. But that doesn't mean that you aren't doing the right thing for all involved. It sounds like you have a lovely place set up for her and you have all the legal documents in order. You are way ahead of many people who find themselves at this crossroads. But this process is not without its difficulties and often there is no way around it. Because of an older sister's insistence that we get my mom (who has Alzheimer's) in a frame of mind to accept that she had to move, we spent nearly all of 2015 supporting my mom in her own home alone (which was her adamant wish), and holding our breath that she wouldn't cause injury to herself. My sister thought she could reason, cajole, bargain, beg my mom into acceptance. My mom would agree that she needed to move, only to laugh it off the next day and claim she never said that. And the plan involved my mom moving into my home, a place she was comfortable with and enjoyed coming to. Eventually in spite of her resistance, we moved her and I can honestly say that she never quite forgave me, but she was safe and well cared for. Today she is in a residential facility, still well cared for, but no longer aware of where she is.

You are keeping your mom safe, you are providing her with care and that is what you need to hold on to during those times that are painful for you. There are so many instances in life where pain cannot be avoided for whatever reason, but we take solace in the fact that we are doing the best that we can do for a situation we cannot change.

You said she likes the place when she visits, but doesn't want to go later on. Maybe you could move her things on over there and then take her there to visit. Go directly to some of the activities that she would enjoy when you get here there and ask her to give it a try.

Is she on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety? Maybe up the dose for a couple days. Ask the doctor--it's probably a very common question / request. No one will fault you for it.

yes, it is a dilemma...Question: is your serenity not just as suitable a goal as your siblings judgments?

My sainted wife was in a rest home for over ten years....Early in her living there she wanted to go home...I told her the doctor said she needed to say another month or so for "observation." I kept saying that whenever the subject came up, I'd empathize with her and repeat that the doctor said wait awhile...Before too long she was satisfied.

In fact, the doctor said if I took her home, my severe heart condition would eventually lay me low. (die).

Grace + Peace,

Bob in North Carolina

Get some support there on the day of the move and don't let other family members push you around! Luckily I had the buy-in of my other 3 siblings and no one else wanted the guardianship so I ended up being 'it'. Hardest thing I've ever done. I I work full time so this just adds more in the week. Frankly, I don't wish this on anyone. Luckily dad can afford a care manager and she pretty much runs the weekly operations - I do weekends. We were only able to get my dad to move when he ended up in the hospital. He became dehydrated at home and caused him to 'lose it'. He spent 5 days in the hospital and the doctor would not release him to go home. He has been in assisted living about a week and insists he is walking out tomorrow. Says he feels great but the doctor has said he will become dehydrated again (assisted living has beverages 24/7 and he is eating a balanced diet -- he won't do that at home). All the legal paperwork in the world cannot keep him from walking out. I suppose I could call the police and have them escort him back, but I don't want to if I don't have to. Tomorrow is going to be interesting.

Number 1 - tell your brother to back off, he wasn't appointed guardianship.
Number 2 - Just take your mom for a visit on 10/5 and leave her there.  Then go back and pack up what you think she needs to have with her in personal stuff.  The staff can work with you to have her out of her room while you put stuff away.
Number 3 - Yes, she will be mad at you but give the staff time to get her settled and introduced to others.
Number 4 - No place is perfect, she will always have something to complain about, that  is actually good because then she is aware of what is happening and hasn't slipped to far.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. This is absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I'm definitely in one day at a time mode. It seems the minute you clear one hurdle, you are staring down the next.

I am hoping to persuade my mom's two sisters to come for a visit and get my mom out of her house for a day so we can get her stuff moved and ultimately deliver her to her new apartment at the assisted living community. It's a lot to pull off in one day, but I think it can be done.

I am looking forward to finding our "new normal." Even though I know it's the dementia talking, it is so hard to hear over and over how her dogs and house are more important than me and her grandchildren. How she will disown me. I hate that I always let her calls go to voicemail so that I can decide how to respond based on the message she leaves. Most of all, I am so sad that I am losing precious time with her. She is still clear enough that we could be enjoying each other's company and having lovely outings making more memories. Instead, it's constant conflict, and I dread speaking with her.

Keep repeating to yourself, " This has to happen. She is fighting it, but it has to happen."

Some good suggestions below, the idea of having her go "on vacation" as a transition is an interesting thought, even if it is just for a day or two. If she has to go to assisted living, there is no negotiation. After she is moved, you can tell her that this is her new home and it is not possible to go back to her old home. It's always difficult for people with dementia to be moved. It means getting used to a new place, new people and a more rigid schedule (not her own schedule). My mother continually asked when she was 'going home' for 2 years after she moved to a memory care unit, and she had her own furniture and pictures around her. The question usually means that she wishes she were back in the days when she had her independence. Some people differ and the place where she's going may not want it, but I think it's good to try to visit her often when she first moves. You can see if this seems to help or not.

Please do not try to negotiate with her, be firm.

I would suggest that you have her go visit someone for a week or so, move her things that she will absolutely need to the AL facility.

The staff will deal with her, when she is first there, do not visit her for a week or so. If you do she will not acclimate herself.

Be prepared for a lot of drama, manipulation and tears, most try this to get their way.

My best, I know that it is not easy!

You've visited twice, and she liked the place, which helps a lot: on moving day, you are "visiting" again. Book lunch at the ALF and then after lunch she goes home - to her new room. Don't hang around for too long after that, not on the first day; leave your contact number with the person in charge in case of emergencies or practical questions, make sure your mother has everything she needs, then make yourself scarce and trust the team to settle her in.

If you have a good removals firm in the area, I should write a detailed list of what furnishings and belongings are going to the new home and get the removals firm to come and pack them and take them away a few days in advance. They can then deliver them and unpack them at the new home for you, preferably in time for you to go and check that all is according to plan. If you don't know of one, perhaps the ALF staff will - after all, they see this happening week in week out and should know who the most helpful movers are.

Involve Adult Protective Services, please. They will have all of the answers. With you now having Complete Control, I realize How Hard this will be for you.