My husband’s brother, who is 68, came to live with us a year ago. He lived with my mother-in-law (she passed in 2014), and my father-in-law (he passed away in 2022).
He talks to his mother constantly, and this might sound mean but it is starting to get on my nerves. Our house is small, so I can hear him all day.
My mother told me that we need to talk to him about it, but do it nicely. I have no idea how.
I would appreciate any advice.
Please have him seen by a psychiatrist. This sounds like he is having hallucinations.
Has he ever lived independently? Was he ever diagnosed with schizophrenia?
I, like Barb, don't fully understand your question, and I am afraid the circumstances are important to know.
Is your husband's brother conversing with someone who is no longer living? If so, what is your BIL's diagnosis and does he have an underlying mental disorder, or other reason for confusion.
Would appreciate more information so we can perhaps help more with answers.
Again, welcome to all the new members. We are glad to have you.
If he is hallucinating, you need to inform his doctor. He may need medication. He also may need to live in a place where he can receive proper care.
I suppose that he hasn’t processed his mother’s death. Either that or perhaps he is extremely lonely.
Does he have any friends or participate in any activities? Does he have mental illness? Is he hallucinating? Why was he living with his mother? Why is he living with you?
Tell us a bit more about him. I don’t think I would ask him to stop right off the bat. I might gently try to find out why he is chatting with his mom so often. What is he saying to her?
I am sorry that he is beginning to work on your nerves. Do you feel like there is too much togetherness? Is he showing any cognitive decline symptoms?
Best wishes to you and your family.
I see where you’re in Vicksburg. I have driven through it. Haven’t stopped there. We usually go to Natchez if we are heading out that way. I’m in New Orleans.
I'm guessing that the fact that he had to live with his mom and dad till they passed and now you and your husband, that he obviously has some kind of issues(perhaps mental)that he's not able to live on his own.
Are those issues being addressed? If not make sure they are.
He lived alone after his dad got placed in a nursing home.
I think that is when he started talking to his mom. But we lived about 5 hours away from him. So, we didn’t see him much. His sister lived about 30 miles from him, but saw him once a month.
He tells her things like mama I am going to the store, mama I miss you, mama I am going to take a bath, mama the cats are in my room. Mama I am going to have pizza tomorrow. He blows kisses to her, says my mommy, sings songs about her.Then at night he tells her good night. I guess he just tells her what he is doing all day.
Her urn is in his room by his bed.
During the day he stays in his room, and he reads or watches television. He sits outside on the porch when it isn’t too hot.
My husband works from home, and I stay home. But he never talks to us much. He tells us good morning, and good night. But my husband told me that he stayed in his room a lot at his parents house.
I try to make him get out of the house, and he normally says no thank you.
He will go to the grocery store, and Walmart to buy things.
The eating is another thing. I cook a lot at home, but he will not eat anything I cook. He says no thank you but I only eat my mama’s cooking. He eats a lot of junk! I have gotten over the not eating my cooking.
He doesn’t have anything else wrong with him. He doesn’t seem to have dementia or anything like that. My grandma and grandpa had that, so I know what that looks like.
He sounds like he was deeply fond of his mother. I take it that she was the major woman in his life and that he wasn’t ever married.
Has he ever dated anyone? Does he have friends or is he an introvert that prefers to be alone?
Well, he could learn to cook his mom’s meals. There are numerous recipes online.
Do you generally get along?
I’m sorry this his chatting with his mom is bothersome. I don’t know if he will change influence him to change his behavior if you tell him not to speak with his mom all day. All you can do is try.
He sounds lonely. Grief last a lifetime for some people. Did his mom encourage him to find friends or activities or was she just as attached to him?
He might benefit from grief counseling.
Your brother-in-law needs to talk to someone and see a doctor familiar with
Post Polio Syndrome. Not many doctors or people in general are familiar with this later-in-life illness after the first bout with polio is long over.
He could be in a lot of pain, have muscle weakness, and not able to talk to you, (or anyone yet) about it. Partially due to the stigma. Untreated pain and weaknesses can have profound effects on a person's psychological well-being.
He is on SSI for a reason, because he is disabled, even if you don't see if he is handicapped or ill at this time. Can you contact Social Security and obtain the doctor's name and diagnosis at the time he was determined to be disabled?
His brother, (your husband?) has no idea?
The March of Dimes knows more about PPS. Start there.
In addition to the free download from the March of Dimes Global Programs website, single printed copies of both reports are available free. Contact the International Polio Network by phone at (314) 534-0475, or by email to gini_intl@msn.com, or in writing to 4207 Lindell Boulevard, #110, St. Louis, MO, 63108-2915.
Please get your Bil some help today. He could be having a profound grief experience, or Obsessive Compulsive disorder that might need treatment.
I am not diagnosing him, just making suggestions on where to start looking.
If you think about it, how normal would you feel if your mother's cremains
were housed in your bedroom? Maybe time for a burial/memorial service for his Mom? A place buried that he could go visit?
Your question called out to me when you said:
"He doesn’t have anything else wrong with him."
That is not true.
You will have a difficult time convincing even a doctor about PPS if he does have it. Will you be his advocate?
Its important to note that Polio often affects the brain in adults later on in life for childhood survivors, causing mental health issues, schizophrenia and depression.
I don't think you talking to him will resolve this situation as there are mental health issues at play here. You may need to relocate him to a group home type setting or get him seen by his pcp for a cognitive exam or a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Does he have a social worker assigned to him for the SSDI you can speak to?
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
That is what I was trying to say.
I agree with you, he needs help.
And I do not think the family can provide the care he needs.
A group home may help. After seeing his doctors.
Are you willing to look after him for the rest of his life?
He doesn’t have a social worker, and he probably never had one. Because they wouldn’t have let him live in a trailer falling apart.
The urn with his parents were in the living room at the trailer, but his bedroom was there. They are on a cabinet that he brought with him.
And trust me if he didn’t want his mama to ride in the back of a uhaul he definitely will not let her be buried. My husband and him had words about that. At the end mama rode in the back of the uhaul.
My husband asked him why does he say mama all the time, and he said to keep her relevant. I was not here for that conversation.
He doesn’t have a doctor here at all. He didn’t have one where he lived before. I am sure he needs to go see one for a checkup. But I cannot make him go.
A few months ago he was having acid reflux very bad. And throwing up, and having pains. All he drank was cokes. And he wouldn’t go to the doctor.
I think I am the only one in this house that knows something is wrong. Because normal people don’t talk to dead people. Well like he does.
I think personally he never accepted the fact that his mother died. She had colon cancer for very long time. And she died at home. And they were close since he never dated, or got married.
And to be honest I didn’t sign up for taking care of him forever. If he gets to a point where he has dementia, or something else he will be placed in a nursing facility. But I would make sure that he is taken care of. My husband is 6 years older than me, and already has some health issues. He will be my first priority in caring for. Sorry but that is how I feel.
My nephew gets help thru the State. He gets a voucher thru them for his apt and a coordinator. This person keeps in touch with him and visits once a month. Nephew is supplied an aide once a week. If he has a problem the coordinator handles it. For 4 years my nephew complained of a leak around his sliding glass door. When the coordinator called something was done.
Your County should have a Disabilities Dept that has resourses you can use.