My father fell over a year ago. Since that time he has been at a hospital, rehab center or in memory care. He has some issues with early dementia but is mostly of sound mind. He is wheelchair bound now and is unable to do any transfers, so needs constant skilled care. Every day he asks to come home. We CANNOT physically help him with hour to hour activities. He insists that we are holding him captive and that he can walk with a walker. When you offer him a walker to prove to him he can't we all end up on the floor, but he has no "memory" of this. My mother is trying to sell the house and will either move in with him or get a small apartment nearby when it sells. The question I have is this: how can we have this discussion without it sucking everyone's soul dry?. He is always trying to get everyone to help him escape. Is there any line of reasoning to help him understand that he is in the home because we can't care for him and keep him safe?
After a few years of frustration and trying to explain and his anger, I finally learnede to just briefly acknowledge his concern and then change the topic. "Ok, dad, I'll make some calls after lunch.. What do you want for lunch..."
If it must be a nursing home men tend to want to be in a facility with other older men to "bond" with. My father was very clear that he would not be happy in any nursing home with to quote him " a lot of old hens". Sorry ladies but the guys don't want to be the only sane male in the nursing home. At Least mine didn't and for that reason I was checking out veteran homes in our state as they tend to have more men residents.
Remember whatever you decide he may not want to be moved out of his home. Sometimes it is needed but never a happy event. It reinforces that they are nearing the end of their life and to your dad's credit in his own way he is trying to hold on as best he can.
Good luck.
Elziabeth
I know a man who has been trying to arrange to leave his AL and go 'home' (sometimes his most recent home, sometimes an earlier address) for nearly three years. He regularly calls cab companies, asks for a lift from other resident's visitors, etc. Fortunately, he doesn't spend the majority of his day in this state and does have some quality of life.
Or ... is his memory such that you can keep telling him "we are working on getting you more proficient with the walker -- we expect it will take about another month." (I've heard of people able to keep up this "next month" approach for over a year, with loved ones whose sense of passing time is diminished.)
Have you talked this over with the social worker at the care center? They must deal with this repeatedly. What are their ideas?