Just like everyone else, Covid has limited me to phone contact with mom who is in a memory care unit. I live across the country too, so I have not seen her since November of 2019 (went in for a Thanksgiving visit and dad passed while I was there--will always be truly grateful I could be there). Of course, mom's AD has progressed over this time. She is now at the point where she really can't even complete a sentence. But I know she has complete thoughts because she gets so frustrated not being able to say things. She did manage to tell me during out last phone "visit" that she does not know who I am. This too is to be expected. Unfortunately, mom has never been able to understand virtual visits, so that is not an option. I just don't know whether to continue calling to talk to her. On her unit, the staff answers the phone and takes it to the residents. More often than not, mom ends up getting upset because she cannot communicate, even if she was having a "good day" prior to the call. Then the staff has to deal with the aftermath of my call. And now that mom doesn't know who I am, I can't imagine she needs to hear from me. A big part of me still wants to call to hear her voice and tell her I love her. And, of course I feel like I'm abandoning her if I don't call. But if it mostly upsets her, and makes more work for the staff, then I feel like I'm being selfish by calling. I did tell staff I likely would not continue asking to talk to mom for all the reasons I've explained above, and I asked if I could call them just to check on her. They of course said I could do that any time. I would just like to hear from you folks as to whether you would continue to try to talk with mom. Thank you so much for sharing your hard-earned wisdom. Hugs to you all!
I know it would be even more effort for the nursing home staff, but could you send a tablet to your mom and have the nursing home staff set up regular video-chats. It might comfort you and be less distressing for your mom.
Also, consider if it is the phone call or the topics you talk about that upset your mom. We take care not to ask my mom to recognize us or remember past events. We might talk about the weather or working in our gardens or some quilting (my mom used to quilt) or house decorating we have done, just anything she might have been interested in that doesn't demand a lot of cognitive work to listen to.
If you do feel that it is best not to try to communicate with your mom, maybe you could ask the staff to regularly text you a photo or short video so you can see how she is doing. Being able to see our loved ones, even if it is just a photo, can be very comforting.
IMHO, at this point you need to do what makes you feel comfortable.
You don't want to be left with the question "should I have done more ?"
I care for my Aunt long distance. She also has AD. Last week for the first time, she didn't know who I was.
Although I am heartbroken, I know I am doing everything I can for her. I will keep calling periodically, but if she continues to not remember me I will save myself the pain and just keep caring for her behind the scenes!
(((Hugs)))
Based on several "discussions" with mom, before visits were stopped, I knew she was living her life about 40+ years ago. I would have been an adult, so she still knew who I was. I have an OB and YB. Neither really visited, but she would ask if I'd seen or talked with one or the other at times. Eventually that stopped. Out of sight, out of mind! It was sad that they couldn't be bothered.
Due to her really bad hearing loss, she didn't have a phone. Once we were locked out, I had no way to see or talk to her. Even window visits wouldn't work, as the MC units look out into a garden area, not accessible from outside.
Anyway, as others have suggested, perhaps you can ask staff to take your call and you listen while they go talk to/interact with your mother. At the very least you would be able to hear her voice, the lack of which is distressing to you. If they have video capability as well, even better, because then you could see and hear her. This would help your distress without causing her any distress. It's worth a try anyway.
Cards sent to her might be okay. Staff could let you know how she reacts to them. If she isn't interested, you could still send them, but understand that she doesn't respond to them. If, as suggested initially, she has forgotten who you are, I would also avoid trying to push that on her. IF you don't recall having children and someone starts telling you they are your child, I would imagine that could be quite disturbing! If she likes the cards and accepts they are from someone who cares, that should be enough. Knowing they might brighten her day, even for a few minutes, it would be worth sending them.
Take what you can get. I tried a couple of "scheduled" visits, once around her birthday, outside in the nice weather, but between her bad hearing, bad eyesight, dementia, masks and distancing, I don't know that she even knew it was me. Two staff with with her, to assist with the cards and gifts. We were not allowed to have the cup cakes and ice cream while outside. They took them in for later (and when it was time to end the visit, they mentioned them and she was gung ho to go back in!)
I DO know that she still remembered me, because while delivering some supplies, a staff member took my pic and showed it to mom. She asked why I didn't come in to visit. She thought I didn't want to see her. THAT was heartbreaking.
After her first stroke, I scheduled another visit, indoor in an area devoted to allowing one-one visits. However, in addition to her other issues, she'd had the stroke, so it isn't clear she knew who we were! My one regret is not breaking the rules, taking the mask off and getting up close to her. The second stroke, several months later, took her from us, before the vaccines were available and before we could start visiting again. I was allowed to be with her then, but she was beyond capability to communicate. She seemed to be trying to smile a few times, so I can only hope she knew I was there. :-(
We did this for MIL, and she just loved it. The staff made a big deal each time a new card arrived in the post, and they often read the messages again to her. 'In the post' meant more to her than the electronics. The pictures on the postcards were a good starting point for conversations. I had a book with cut-outs of cards of Victorian children, all dressed up in old fashioned frills and laces, and she ended up with every single one of them on show.
It doesn’t really matter whether mother realises that they are from you, although the staff will say so. It can make her happy, help the staff with something to talk about, and make you happy to know that you are sending your love so regularly.
Id make the long drive for a visit every couple months. Sometimes he knew me, sometimes not.
It was all very hard but you have to do what is best for the elder. I hated to confuse and upset my dad. There was nothing to be gained by him from these awkward phone calls.
Before giving advice about dementia, everyone should learn all they can about it and THEN offer advice.
Melissa, the rule of thumb is this: do whatever it takes NOT to upset your mom and to keep her happy, THAT is the only goal here.
Even though she can’t talk to you and can’t vocalize who you are, she may still know that you are someone important in her life, even if she’s not sure how. Hearing “I love you” is always a good thing”.
My mother lives in Memory Care too, and we have a standing appointment for a window visit every Sunday at 1:15 pm. Maybe you could arrange a 'standing visit' with your mom's MC too.........whereby they go into your mom's room and film her via Facetime (or whatever) for a few minutes while you watch on your end of the phone. They may be very willing to do that for you, just ask.
I know how dreadful this whole scenario is, I deal with it daily myself. Every day is a new issue where my mother is upset about something and lately it's that she really lives 'elsewhere' and feels 'out of place' in her own apartment where she's lived the past 2 years. Sigh. I hate ALZ/dementia with every ounce of my being and pray for God to come take my 94 y/o mother home daily. It's too much for her and there's no quality of life left now.
Wishing you peace as you try to navigate a difficult path.
Other than to say I liked the idea previously given of a call to a staff member who could be with your mother so you can see and hopefully hear her voice as you interact with the staff seems the best solution if staff is willing.
My heart goes out to you, my father died before he got to the point he didn't recognize his family members. May you find peace during this time.
As a worker who would happily spend a full hour supporting a phone call if it would make my client's day better, I will say that solely for the reason it is distressing for your mother and for no other reason, I would discontinue the calls.
By keeping in touch with the staff, if your mother should have a better day or a brighter spell you'll hear about it and can always change your mind; I would also ask the staff to ask *her* if she would like to call you (just possible it might be easier for her if she initiates it); and do start or continue to send her cheerful, easy to read written messages and pictures.
God bless all of you.
Shirley
I asked the staff to send me pictures of her every couple of days, and they've been happy to do that. I just need to get my eyeballs on her to make sure she's doing OK, and that helps my peace of mind. Her nursing home also has set up "GrandGrams," which are emails we can send to our loved ones. One of the staff members will read the email to her and they blow up the pictures I attach so she can try to see them.
Right now, that's the best I can do.
Make the calls short and sweet... ask the staff if she is coherent enough to take a call.
I personally think most people in a similar situations still need contact with others, even if they don't recognize who they are.