“To pee or not to pee...” What would you do?

Again, thank you for your replies. After much negotiation, potty chair and I have reached an agreement. Potty chair will only be used in the living room at night or when I am not at the house; otherwise, potty chair waits to be called for duty in the garage.
To clarify, I reside in my moms house, so sometimes it’s a little trickier to “uphold the laws” as I would if it were my home. Also, my mother does not use her bedroom anymore as I’ve said, she lives in Her Chair.
Thanks again e1.

I'm kind of confused with this post. You asked what would we do and what is best to get mom mobility. Yet, in the end is a poem about the pot (humorous, yes) and has a tinge of complacency to me. Since you also said, yes, she has the ability to go to the bathroom and chooses not to do so. Are you going to move the pot out of the living room and tell her no more? Not doing something means she continues sitting until she can no longer walk and you will have less and less visitors because they won't be able to stomach the smells. Just wondering if any of the ideas on this post are going to be part of a plan.

Thank you everyone for your replies and suggestions. Mom is able to get up and around with her walker, she doesn't want to do anything but live in Her Chair. She stopped sleeping in her bed in her bedroom long time ago. Like I said, Her Chair is the utmost multi-functional thing I've ever seen. I have come up with an ode to Potty Chair set to the tune of the old TV show Spiderman:
Potty Chair, Potty Chair,
if it's full I don't care,
Sitting there in the living room,
it has become a source of doom,
Lookout! Don't tip the Potty Chair...
Positioned there for all to see,
makes the room smell like pee,
It's unnecessary I hate it so much,
just gives mom another crutch,
Lookout! Don't tip the Potty Chair.
Well, hell, what can I say? Being an only child, amusing myself started when I was a child...thanks for understanding.

Oh man, I was gagging just thinking about it being knocked over. Truth is, I have a very strong gag reflex. I gagged when I changed my kids' diapers. Can't handle poop. I was up front with my mom when she moved in with me. I will NOT deal with poop. When you become incontinent, you must leave. She started wandering the neighborhood in the middle of the night before poop became an issue, prompting us to place her in memory care. Mom wears Depends all the time now and has the UTIs to prove it. Hasn't stopped her from messing her pants in restaurants or stores. When she does, I swear she gets the smuggest look on her face as she tells me she "had an accident." The first time she did it, she fully expected me to clean her up. Nope, sorry. You did it, you clean it. I made her start carrying an extra Depends in her purse for emergencies. Mom has always been lazy and very happy to let others do for her. My sister gets angry with me because I don't help her up from the table or in and out of the car. I make her do it herself. Her doctor and physical therapist both told us that its the best way to keep her moving.

Would I live with a potty chair in my family room? Oh HELL no! I know several people who have and my hat is off to them, but I know I couldn't do it.

My mum lives with me. At first I used to pussyfoot around her and do everything. She is, or was, an attention seeker. Then I stopped because she was driving me mad. She soon started doing things for herself and I realised that it's best to say it as it is and almost treat them like a child. Take the chair away and tell her it's only coming back in when you feel it's necessary. Let her wet herself if she feels the need for the attention. But be firm and I'm sure she will soon be going to the bathroom. Good Luck.

Keep her mind going too. Is there adult day care or outside senior activities you can enroll her into? Perhaps library has something she can sign up for...? Keep her moving in all directions as long as possible. weekly senior bingo nights? Anything...

Well, the next step for her declining if you didn't play "bad guy" would be diapers 24/7.

Try to keep her mobile as long as possible..

The "potty chair," aka typically called a bedside commode is just that. It isn't supposed to be used as a crutch. Good for you! Don't empty it again.

Oh I am in such awe of your patience. So glad you are able to vent on this site. I just came about you guys by accident, and I can't tell you how much comfort
I've received. This has to be the best caregiver forum Evvvvver.

You’re not mean-get her walking any way you can. Move the darned pee chair out of your family room!!! Sheesh.

First issue is the level of mobility that will not improve if if there is not a gradual increase to walk a little further each day. The same concept that gets started in a rehab, but very rarely back to original ability when they toss you out.
--How does she get from her bed to the living room? If she uses a walker, then she already has that span of walking conquered. Considering she has only been making that trek in the am and again in the pm under current level of activity, it's time to 'rehab' at home. More walking to get leg strength back.
--Does she use a walker to get to real bathroom if she needs to poop? If yes, this lady has trained you well!!! If no, tell her there's a new sheriff in town and there will no longer be a litter box in the living room.
--What is closer for her and easiest route using a walker? Is it the bathroom where the real toilet can be used or the bedroom where the portapot can be relocated? Figure that part out and make the goal to be getting portapot out of the living room and her using walker to get to chosen toilet area.
--Move the potty further from her every couple of days until you reach the preferred potty location. If she is hard headed with you, take her to the doctor and request some in-home physical therapy. PT will get her walking a few times a week and her legs will get stronger (whether she wants them to or not!)
--At night when she needs to get up, I would leave the portacan by her bed. Safer for her. If you need to leave for a while, put the pot back by her chair, but make sure you put it back as soon as you get home so she doesn't take advantage of your failure to act quickly.

Now for the inability to hold pee for long. There's too many products on the market to help with that. Do not let someone talk you in to going straight to the pull up diaper type products. Once you let someone start peeing/pooping in a diaper, the brain will eventually convince itself that it is ok and it is an extremely hard road to turn around on. (Very common to happen in facilities because staff don't have to hurry and help someone. Facilities often encourage it to make their jobs easier in that respect)

Get the incontinence pads. (Best price, and I've searched, is Sam's Members Mark Overnight Pads for Women. If those are too thick for her, start with a smaller style). With the pad on, she has no excuse not to walk a little further because she has something to catch it.

When you get this going, have some statistics ready for the arguments. She uses the portapot every 2 hours. Having trouble holding it means she really should have gotten up to pee at about the 1.5 hour mark. When you begin Boot Camp Toilet Training, set an alert on a phone (if she can hear it) or some other device for every 1.5 hrs and tell her it's time to get up and pee.

My mom is 95 and a rehab stint had me up all night long for potty breaks and holding her up for the bathroom trips after they failed to take her to the bathroom in their care. I never moved the pot to the living room. She did get stronger each day and can again manage these things without personal assistance - just her and her walker. I still leave the porta pot by the bed because I don't think it's safe to make the trek to the bathroom when sleepy.

Best of luck to you both!

Take the poty chair in the bedroom say per. Dr. Orders you have to use the regular toilet if shes on PT HAVE THEM BACK YOU UP ....
I love my mom so much but I wish I never bought that DAMN POTY CHAIR grrrrrrrrr!!! She only uses it at night but I beleive she should just be able to use our regular toilet at night And I agree about the pads and depends had to do this also !!Here is another 1 how bout when they poop in it YUCKY!! I HATE THE POTY CHAIR !! THEN SHE SAYS not to add any dutys to your chores but......"my poty chair needs to be dumped"! But I guess I am VERY GREATFUL THAT SHE MAKES AN EFFORT TO BE ABLE TO USE THE TOILET AND NEVER HAS ANY ACCIDENTS!!

Mom needs to get up and move to be able to keep her mobility. Without being able to walk it will be hard for her to be cared for at home. And of course immobility causes all kinds of issues. I would move Potty Chair out of the living room. Maybe have it beside the bed for night time need to make it easier and only use it at night. If she says she can't make it to the bathroom before she starts to pee, have her wear a pad or depends to catch any dribbles.

You can bet your bottem dollar that ANY RESIDENT OR ELDERLY MOM OR WHO EVER WILL PEE IN THE POTY CHAIR BEFORE THE TOILET Anything for less steps to walk anything to make their life easier to not have to do ANYTHING !!it does not matter if the bathroom is ONLY A COUPLE MORE STEPS !!Anything at not to have to do anything !! And the men use the stupid urnials and leave it anywhere!!!

you are a very funny writer...i enjoyed reading.
No, you are not being mean.
Remember the commercial
"Bodies at rest stay at rest. Bodies at movement tend to stay in movement"

We have potty in her bedroom. (Bought the fabric to make a slip cover/dignity cover, but never got around to making it.) Mom normally only uses it if she is in her room, otherwise uses the bathroom. Normally she doesn't have to pee during the night. I still want to be there when she gets up, so she uses a doorbell that I use as call bell, or talks to me on baby monitor. She just said she needed to get up, so I assisted her, and emptied pot immediately. Gave her diuretic, and she laid back down. She has adjustable bed, and can watch TV while diuretic kicks in. Just seems easier to have her close to pot after morning pill. If we have early appointment, or outing, I hold the diuretic until we get home.

After she gets up for the day, she will use the bathroom. I still have to prompt her to get up and pee. She never has the urge, unless she stands up, so if she was sitting watching TV, she might wait too long. Want to avoid UTI, so I remind her to go. She uses walker to go to bathroom, and doesn't need assist if she only pees. If she has BM, she rings for assistance.

At this time, she uses incontinence pads/liners. In the past she used adult diapers for a brief time. There was also a time when she wasn't so mobile. Had to be taken care of in bed. She had left knee replacement in December of 2017. After her recovery from that surgery, things have gone fairly smoothly. Only problem is, she was due for a revision on right knee replacement. Unfortunately her orthopedic surgeon died suddenly, unexpectedly.

Took he to new orthopedic doctor. He is hopeful, that the right knee will last for the duration. As long as she is not too active. Said he would be hesitant to do the revision surgery, as he is afraid she wouldn't survive the surgery. Last time, the cardiologist just wanted the surgery to be scheduled while he would be at the hospital, and all went well.

I don't think I could handle her care 24/7 if she lost her mobility. Thanks goodness for the bedside commode. Thinking of making the cover for the pot, so when I need one in my room, it will be discreet. Pimp my Pot. (also pool noodle sections under where her legs are, make if more comfy. and odor reducing spray, even though it is emptied after each use. )

I don't think you're being mean and you are doing what's best for your mom's mobility. If you don't use it, you lose it! Who wants to be bedridden if they don't have to be? That's not living. My mom started to get the same way when she went into rehab- getting me to do each and every thing for her that she could do. I kept encouraging her telling her I want her to do it and she will never get to go home if she doesn't do for herself. She is now doing as much as she can on her own and there's light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it takes tough love, but we gotta give it! :)

Let her wear depends (adult diapers) during the day... put the potty chair in her bedroom next to her bed... lazy is what it is manipulation... my mom who is 83 used to pee in the waste basket until I found out after moving in with her... I could never figure why her room smelled of strong urine... now you all know what it takes to straddle a 12 in waste basket in the dark in the middle if the night... coordination which she has a lot of... only 9 steps to her bathroom toilet.. anyway I bought her a nice padded potty chair she uses now and wears depends during the day... remove it from your family room... good luck.

PharSytid, I love your sense of humor, you gave me a much needed lift this morning, ((HUGS))).

I would move it back into her bedroom. Then put her PT in her hands. She can decide what portion of the day that she has the energy to spend time elsewhere in the house which will necessitate the use of the bathroom instead. When she feels she has done enough, she can elect to go to her bedroom.

Tel her that it is rented and needs to be returned.
They will pick it up on June 30.
On the 28th remove it, take it apart and clean it.
What you do with it after that is up to you. I would place it someplace where you can get hold if it so you can get it when it becomes necessary.

I feel your pain
As a 24/7 caregiver myself ,my wife of 58 years was diagnosed in 1997 with PK and she took to her bed 10 years ago , to the denial of her neurologist and numerous PTs and OTs , unlike your mom she decided not to even get out of her bed and sit up .
Against all good advice from professionals I let her play me from day one . At first she stayed in our bed in the master bedroom with an adjoining bath 10 steps from the bed, she decided she needed a potty . I ordered one with a prescription from her PPO ,placed it next to the door to the bathroom. Needless to say she didn't need use the toilet

At the onset of her PK we made a move to a home that better served her demise, as all her needs were on 1 level , I added a walkin shower a higher toilet with the addition of handrails and bidet with a warm water addition.

I replaced all door openings to assist walker or wheelchair with lever hardware for ease of use.

My wife over the past 10 years has had numerous trips to the emergency room and always follow ups with in home nursing care with a nurse and PT and OT usually 4 to 6 weeks , and she has always discharged them after the first couple weeks .
Her last 2 adventures they tried to get her to join in at the PK clinic and same results.
In the interim I added a Hospital bed about 5 years ago and moved it to the living room thinking I'd get her out of a dark depressing bedroom into a room with an abundance of sunshine and to be able to see life out of a large picture window . Now the potty is at the foot of the bed. Walker at the side . Potty maybe 4 steps .
On every visit to her PK Docter when we discuss home life and her hardships they just ask why she wont get out of bed . The PT suggested several years ago that I move the potty away from the bed to an agasent room , and to move the bed back to the bedroom .
My point in all this has been to stress the point that if you make it to easy you take away their will to do for themselves, my wife hasn't sat at the table to eat a meal or sat in a chair to just watch tv in over 10 years . She has no need to as has an enabler to see to her every need .
God bless you and good luck with your mom.

Due to limited mobility, I can't make it upstairs in time to use the bathroom. So I have a potty chair, in the middle of the living room. But a friend gave me some really nice divider screens - wooden, with slats. No one knows it's even back there. Maybe you could try something like that. Also, I have an aide a couple times a week that helps with the emptying - what I do is use it only for pee and instead of throwing toilet paper in the commode, I put it in a trash can with a liner. That way it isn't too much to flush.

I would take the potty chair to the shed because it makes you feel upset.

When it is in use, clean it quickly.

The short walk walk to the bathroom will give her strength.

Take me her to the shopping mall and have her build endurance, a little at a time.

Bring the potty chair back only when medically necessary.

I placed a commode next to my mother's bed. Every two hours we walk to the commode. This bathroom routine is necessary because she has chronic UTI's. She has better bladder control during the day. I think the commode is perfectly fine. Place the chair in another room until she needs it. I do not think it is an issue of laziness but rather she might feel safer. You can do range of motion exercises. Have a routine and every day take her for a walk if it is safe to do so. Let her have some control. My mother spends the day in the living room on days when we are home and if I find her legs are weak I take the commode and place it next to her chair. I do not care that it is in the living room. I care for her safety. We all have to make changes in our lives and do what is best for our loved one. Do not sweat the small stuff believe me big stuff comes along and you need the energy for that. Hope things work out for you and your mom.

Is there a possibile compromise? Does she have her own room? If so, she can be in her room with her chair and tv and the potty chair.
Move the potty chair OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM. It is not an appropriate piece of furniture for a family room. Unless she is terminal, your living room does not have to revolve around your mother and urine.

From the other side of the fence... having arthritis and a neurological problem that sometimes makes walking 25 ft kin to scaling Mt Everest , why are you so positive it’s her crying wolf? Does she easily walk everywhere else? Does she have control problems and fear she won’t make it 25 ft?

"Tis better to Pottty, Not trying to be Snotty, Than to have Mom PEE in THEE Bed."
Let her Be, She has Earned this Right, So No Fight. Listen to the Master Level on this Reputable Analytical Site. Please. Help her Get around with her Walker, Even if it is for a few Minutes to Stretch her legs.

You are lucky your mom actually wants to use it, my father swore hell and high water and demanded the LONG walk to "His" bathroom to where he would slowly and painfully walk, step by step only to get there and refuse to sit...or refuse to walk back to his bedroom from which he came.
Sounds like she likes the potty chair...if it's the one thing that makes your life easier than shuffling her to the bathroom every time...I would keep it.

Potty chair is better than cleaning up an accident. If the issue is wanting her to be more mobile, make her go to the kitchen for meals or sit on the porch (weather permitting) a little while each day. Home health can also do in house physical & occupational therapy to help with strength & mobility. You do have to keep them moving or they loose strength & ability.