Love to see different takes on this topic- I am the daughter who had to jump in and care for my 80 yo mother after my Dad died. She needed so much help- couldn't even figure out how to lock a door etc. I spent 362 days out of a year going back and forth to her apt, taking her to appts., bringing her food, running errands, keeping her company- helping her through grief. getting her to counseling, church, hair, etc etc. you get the picture. Putting my own family on the back burner. Meanwhile, the brother kept a seat warm at the local bar. She decided, for several reasons, one being she claimed hated the place without my father there, plus at the urge of her Dr., and diagnosis of vision decrease, and neuropathy in her legs making it unable to climb the steep stairs to her apt., that she would like a move and asked if she remodeled or paid for an addition at our home, could she live there- she would feel safer, we wouldn't know she was there etc etc, We agreed to do this- Brother was brought into the decision making but didn't like the idea- but didn't come up with any other solutions other than tell her it was way to expensive for her to live in a retirement home, that she didn't have the money for that. We waited a year to make sure she was still wanting to do this- that it wasn't the grief talking and she still was on board with the whole idea. She paid 26 thousand dollars to remodel our 2 car garage into a MIL suite complete with kitchenette and full bath. We (being my husband and son and I) emptied her home, went through 50 years of things, and papers and books and so on, If any of you have ever done this, you know of all the work and time involved. Brother was kept up to speed on everything. He didn't show his face except to haul off the valuables- silver chest full of her wedding silver which she wanted divided, and my dads gun collection, and anything valuable. No work was done on his part. Meanwhile, he's married , he has no children and no job. so basically nothing to do- and can't find an evening or afternoon to pop in and visit this whole time. and lives less than 3 miles away. Now, fast forward 7 and a half years later. The brother still avoids us. Only shows his face for a few minutes which I literally mean about 12 minutes here and there on Christmas or her birthday or mothers day, He has done absolutely nothing to help - Its like his big bone of contention is that she decided to live with us and paid the $ for her space. Big whoop - She has lived rent free for 90 months. If she had to live in any retirement or assisted living place or skilled nursing facility which is now what is being recommended, she would have run out of money a long long time ago. She is now in later stages of Parkinsons- has had heart trouble, and is legally blind. I am her full time Caregiver. I am also her POA holding DPOA and Pre Need Guardian etc. The last 4 years have been very difficult to take care of her., as most of you people know what is involved with a frail, elderly blind person who also has Parkinsons disease-and chronic bowl problems. The lovely brother has never once called to ask me how in the world she is. He calls her and I don't know if he is drunk or in denial, but seems to think things are hunky dorey.Tells his friends that his moms 'sharp as a tack.' The times I have asked him to take her to an appointment or help in any form, he has been extremely rude, told me to F myself or hung up on me. Back when she was first diagnosed with Parkinsons he said he didn't even believe it. So, now with this little bit of family dysfunction info, I wondered if I should even let him know what in the world is going on. She recently completed some cognitive testing which showed she is between stage 4 and 5 of the dementia rating, where 7 is extreme and 1 is very mild, normal aging. He calls her about once a week for about a one to 2 minute conversation to check in (translation- make sure he is still in her "good graces" and getting some inheritance. ) The conversations are so short, no one could tell anything is wrong. In all of this time, I have tried to tell him previously that she is not doing very well and he talks to me as if I am an idiot. Has not even called to see if I need help, I told he and his wife I need some foot surgery and you would have thought I asked them to save the world or something. Oh no., we can't help- then came out and told me "You made your bed..."???? About the worst thing I thought for them to say. But after thinking about it- they are both very big drinkers who have never had to sacrifice anything- and prob not a good idea to have them "help" anyways. So, my feeling is that I really don't want to have anything to do with him and I really don't care what he knows. He is not nor has he ever looked out for her best interest - Any input? or did I just answer my own question here? lol
It's about a selfish jerk you have gone out of your way to keep "happy". You could have told him to jump in a lake 10 years ago and nobody would've faulted you for that.
He seems to no care one whit for mother. Don't bother keeping him up to speed.
Your mom probably still looks on him as her "boy" and doesn't even get that he's of no help whatsoever--has actually stolen from her, in fact. And you don't want to hurt her.
I had a brother who could be your brother's twin. He died quite young from sheer neglect of his health. He also only ever showed up to see what he could take.
When daddy died, I don't know who called him. He didn't even show up at the funeral.
Yep, you did answer your own question: you don't want him involved. Don't involve him and don't feel guilty about it.
First of all, ((((hugs)))). Ten, twenty, thirty years ago, could you have ever imagined such a scenario? Why is it in families that the bulk of the responsibility usually falls on one, and the rest of the family scuttles back into their hidey-holes to wait for the cheese? Rarely helping, all-to-eager for you to do the dirty work but feel quite free to criticize your judgement calls or even interfere? In my circumstance, I've been extraordinarily lucky with family members who share the responsibility of elder care-giving.
I understand your antipathy toward your brother. The first question that came to mind is if you had anything to lose by telling your brother about your mother's dementia. If you do, I'd stay mum. If you don't, you could mention it. Or not. Does it really make any difference anyway, especially if Brother refuses to help?
By-and-by he's going to notice the change in your mom anyway. At the stage she's in, her dementia may be hard to detect in a short, casual conversation. My mom is probably further along than yours, but she still "fools" people with her "Showtimers."
Good luck!
I wouldn't tell your brother anything.
If he doesn't contact you for information, I think you have no obligation to inform him.
Parkinson's is a very serious progressive disease. Adding dementia to that mix is a significant game changer. I expect that you are going to need help if you intend for her to continue in the in-law apartment. And when that help isn't enough, she may need a care center. All of this is expensive. Most people in your mother's situation wind up on Medicaid when they outlive their financial resources. Very few are able to leave any kind of inheritance. The family is lucky if the funeral has been prepaid. So I just wouldn't worry about that side of things.
Over the last 8 years have you consulted an attorney specializing in Elder Law? If not, I think that would be a good idea at this point, to make sure all the i's are dotted and t's crossed and your mother's resources are protected from your brother and also that she would qualify for Medicaid should the need ever arise.
My grandfather went to a lawyer and put his house in "joint tenancy," in his name and mom's name. She was to become sole owner when he died, and his partner was to have life estate (meaning she could live there till she died - this was pretty fair, as she sold her own house and gave the money to her children when she started living with grandad). He did it this way mainly to protect "his girls," and because his other daughter, at the time, had a very expensive house she shared with her husband....and also didn't visit or help out like my mom did, plus she could not manage any money or assets on her own without going wildly into debt.
I'll also say my grandfather was in full control of his mental capacity when he did this, and carried on that way until he died (because of a car accident).
My mom's sister was outraged when grandad died. She went to a lawyer to try to challenge the will, saying my mom had "manipulated a mentally incompetent old man" into giving her the house. Fortunately, the lawyer remembered grandad very well, and laughed this out of his office. It turned out that auntie's hold on the expensive house was pretty non-existent, since her (now ex) husband had double-mortgaged it to pay off some serious debts.
My mom is still hurt by what her sister did to her. My cousin - my mom's nephew - has never stopped challenging mom about the house, and only stopped trying to get money from mom, and/or help obtaining credit, withing the last 3-4 years (about 15 years after grandad's death)....and he only stopped because I pretty much threatened to charge him with harassment and financial abuse.
Meanwhile, your mom does have mental competency issues now, even if she didn't when she put the money into the renovation. A greedy person like your brother could make this an issue down the road, and challenge the will based on the money she put in to your property. (Alternatively, he could try to go after you directly for the value of that property change.) You might not care about the will now, but leaving aside the issue of inheritance....even if he were completely unsuccessful in his bid to get money out of you/the will, it would probably make things very ugly between you/your family and your brother/his family....as well as being mentally/emotionally exhausting for you.
People get weird when it comes to family inheritance and money.
So I suggest letting sleeping dogs lie, honestly. You don't want to bring that kind of bitterness and resentment upon yourself. I don't think he would truly care anyway, except for caring about what he might get for himself out of it.
In fact as mom's POA it is your responsibility to keep her personal information private unless POA instructs otherwise. Or maybe mom has signed a HIPPA release for info to bro?