And cannot live alone. My sister is out of state. I’m the only caregiver in town. Mom would benefit from assisted living in a MC facility. We checked out a few nearby. We feel it too soon to bring up the subject and she needs to be consoled and be around family members for now thru the grieving process. She has stayed with myself and my husband the past couple weeks. My husband and I go down south during winter months. What is the best thing to do in this tough situation?? Help!!
Are you in charge of her assets? If so I wouldn't delay talking to MCs, MC board and cares and so forth. It is, I imagine, what your father would have wanted
If your mom needs memory care, then she needs memory care. You are not going to be able to provide that level of care for any length of time. It's just very hard to do.
When do you go down south? It's already the end of December? Are you planning on taking her with you? Seems like that would be a bad idea. She won't have her doctors or anything familiar, besides you and hubby.
It's never feels like an ideal time to place a parent in a facility. But often it becomes necessary. You have no way to know how long grieving process is going to be. Depending on her level of dementia and how/when it progresses, will kind of determine that path.
Speaking of which, if she forgets that he died, and can't consistently remember it, many opt for the therapeutic lie of saying something else like that they're at the store o visiting someone so that your mom doesn't have to keep reliving his death like it is new news every day.
Good luck.
Is it possible to skip the "going south" trip this year to help her ease into her new surroundings? Once she's in and settled, maybe you could go for a week, but a move like this is really scary for someone with dementia, and moving her then disappearing for months isn't going to go well.
Caregivers were more expensive than a nursing home? I've never heard of that. The worst and lowest nursing home in my state is $10,000 a month. I never even heard of a live-in caregiver getting that kind of money.
Medicaid won't pay for live-in caregivers though.
I think any transition for someone with dementia is hard. They don’t have familiar things around so it makes them anxious. Our doctor put my dad on something that helped with anxiety before the move to memory care.
It might be best to go ahead and move her so she is somewhere permanent and can get settled instead of delaying it. SHe’s already in a time of change so making the move now might be less upsetting than after she is used to living with you and then moving.
I wish you good luck. Don't expect this to be easy, to "go well". It will be very difficult for your Mom without questions. I do think you should begin to look now, WITH her if she is able, for her "new home". Make it a given, without other options, and just begin.
and maybe later look for good memory care …
best luck
If mom did not have dementia given the same circumstances would you
Leave her home alone mourning her husband?
or
Would you delay your trip this year and stay with her?
or
Would you invite her to come with you?
I might be in a minority here but this is what I would want done if I were your mom.
I would either want caregivers that would come into my house and care for me, or if I did not have that capability place me in Memory Care.
I would want you to continue with the plans you have made for yourself, your family.
(I say I am in the minority here, I have LTC insurance that will pay for caregivers to come to my house, my home is handicap accessible so I do have that luxury and safety in the back of my mind)
You know your mom and what she is like. If you played the "What if" game 20 years ago and posed this question to her what would she have said?
Would it be a possibility to have a live-in caregiver move in with your mother for a while at her house? This way she'll have some time to adjust to not having your father there but at least she'll be in a familiar environment. You could try it for a while and see if it works out. If it doesn't then you'll find placement for her in a care facility.
To me this seems like the kindest option.
We were very fortunate to have part time sitters already in place.
It took mom a complete year to get over her depression. I think moving your mom has to wait a bit to be successful. Can you hire in home sitters?
I would try to keep her in her own home a little while longer. It's very possible the death of your dad may accelerate her dementia. Then the transfer from home to memory care may not be as hard as it would be right at this moment.
If she needs help bathing, dressing, taking meds...that's Assisted Living. If she also has dementia (disoriented to time, place, personal needs, basic safety...rather than just occasional forgetfulness.) then Memory Care is the answer. It's not always quite that clear-cut, but after two weeks you should have an idea of her mental state and needs.
I think this is the time to be looking for placement. If she stays much longer, she may begin to feel that living with you will be permanent. But, then again, consider that her problems, whatever they are, will probably be magnified if you immediately leave her to go south.
Has she seen a doctor? If you think she would not be safe with you (or that you can't manage) make this known to her doctor. Check on some senior living facilities. Visit them with a prepared list of her most important needs and/or medical conditions. Use your best your best observation skills and inner judgement, because some senior facilities will give you a quite a sales pitch.
Yes, it's tough and most of us haven't been prepared for this. Wishing you good luck! Keep in touch with this site.
Your options are:
place your mother and continue as before;
postpone your migration this year;
take her with you.
It's over a year since you created your profile, plus there is your and your mother's bereavement to take into account - and I'm sorry for your loss, and the shock it must have been - but how is your mother doing mentally? What impact is dementia having on her at this stage?
2. You already said yourself “Mother needs our care & support at this time
which lasts longer ‘feeling deprived or feeling guilty?”
Think about it