My husband is in the early stages of alzheimers and resents me 'taking control' of his life if I suggest something that is contrary to his idea of how to do something. I back off and give him space but then I am accused of not being interested in helping him. This and other issues has made me so depressed and I am the one getting counseling to learn to adapt, but it is getting harder. Any suggestions?
The early stage can be particularly frustrating for the caregiver. This is all new to you and you are not used to it. And the lack of logic is not yet severe enough or constant enough to keep you focused on it. So you go along as if things are almost normal and then, wham, out of the blue something really wacko comes up. No wonder we don't always respond appropriately!
The best you can do, I think, is reassure him that you want to help him and also don't want to take over for him, and to apologize when you get it "wrong."
My husband had Lewy Body Dementia, and we called it Lewy. (We both got mad at Lewy from time to time.) I could say, "Yes, of course you can carry a food tray. You've done it for decades! But we can't trust what ol' Lewy is going to do today, so how about I carry your tray and you bring the newspaper?" I always wanted to assure him that his impairments were not his fault.
I also often said something like, "You have an excellent brain, dear. You have an impressive education and you were a successful engineer. That excellent brain just isn't working at full capacity right now, so I'll help you for now." When we went to a new appointment he would cheerfully announce, "Jeanne comes with me. She's my memory."
It is a very fine line balancing between helping and taking over. Don't feel bad if you don't always get it right.
I am so very glad to hear you are getting counseling. This is huge change in the relationship and in your role.
Other things are dangerous and have to be discouraged in some way. Since he is in the early stages, you probably haven't run across these things yet. You can take them as they come.
He'll probably have a lot of frustration as he forgets how to do things. He may take those things out on you. What is difficult to figure out is how much to give to make him feel better, since it can introduce a lot of stress into your life.
Maybe if you'll give an example of what he is doing, people will grasp what stage he's in and give some good advice. If you get a change, google Teepa Snow and look for the You Tube videos that are available. You could find that many will help you a lot as you go through this with your husband. The people she talks about are at a more advanced stage of dementia, but her concepts are very good.
Rather than back off when your husband wants to do something his way, be his assistant in doing it his way so that you can gently steer the activity back to doing it a rational, effective way.
With teeth and denture cleaning, for example, I found myself channelling my Texan psychotherapist friend with my whoops of "there you go! That's the way!" You don't have to go that far, but praise and encouragement will be cheering for him when everyday tasks have become depressingly hard to accomplish.
If he helped with the household chores let him fold the laundry, put things away. Even if you have to do it again.
As the dementia progresses he will do fewer and fewer things and what he can do will become more basic. Still let him do what he can. Unless it comes to safety either his or the family's.
I know it is frustrating but I just imagine how frustrating it must be for someone like my husband who was so used to doing everything around the house that when he could no longer do things he never admitted it but just said..I'll do it when I feel stronger.
As he is no longer able to do the things he could help him transition and he will find other things to do.
It helped my frustration with some things when I changed "won't to can't" in my head. When I would get frustrated when he WOULDN'T do something until I realized he COULDN'T do it. It's not that he wouldn't get to the bathroom in time but he couldn't get to the bathroom because he did not recognize the cues his body was giving him.
Each phase brings a different set of frustrations but with each phase it does clear some up. You say you are getting counseling but are you also going to a Support Group? It does help. Each person in a support group learns from another. Some have been in your spot and you can get "tricks of the trade" to help you through. And some can learn from you as to what you have found helps. Everyone has something to contribute and learn.
Approach this with an open mind and look for different ways to solve problems. It does help if you can "think outside the box" because with dementia..they think out side the box all the time.
"Let's get the bills paid today do you want to write the checks and I'll record what we pay?" Doing it just before a football game gave him incentive to ask me to do the task for him so he could watch the game. I gave him control and the finances were not screwed up.
"Can you help put the laundry away? I'll do mine while you do yours."
If he forgot how to fold something, I'd fold one of his and hand it to him. He remembered where his clothes were for a long time.
He had always filled the dishwasher - so we would clean up after supper together.
Be creative - sometimes the choices offered are one easy and one somewhat obnoxious so the outcome was more predictable while he still felt some sense of control.
Apparently your mother wants to get the paper earlier than you want her to. Maybe this is to keep her routine as normal as possible. Maybe it is because reading the paper is something she looks forward to and she "can't wait" like a kid at Christmas. Maybe it is totally irrational. And now, maybe, it has become a power struggle.
This might be the battle you pick. I don't know. But is a compromise possible? Want you are concerned about is her safety. What if you explained that, and took her to pick out a reflective vest, like joggers and bike riders wear when they are out in the dark? "Mom, I'm not worried that you can't get the paper on your own. I'm worried about drivers who aren't paying attention. Let's get you the proper clothing to make sure the drivers can see you when you get the paper."
Another option would be to have the paper delivered to the doorstep. Is that a possibility?
On some of the high-conflict issues, coming up with ways to minimize the risk may be the best we can do.
As for explaining what her medical impairments are, that seems like a lost cause. It was very comforting and useful to my husband to understand what was going on, that it wasn't his fault, and that I'd help him compensate for his impairments. With my mother that approach would be totally counter-productive. We have never used the D word with her. It is a very individual decision. You've tried explaining it to your mother. That doesn't help. Give that approach up.
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