My husband is in the early stages of alzheimers and resents me 'taking control' of his life if I suggest something that is contrary to his idea of how to do something. I back off and give him space but then I am accused of not being interested in helping him. This and other issues has made me so depressed and I am the one getting counseling to learn to adapt, but it is getting harder. Any suggestions?
Other things are dangerous and have to be discouraged in some way. Since he is in the early stages, you probably haven't run across these things yet. You can take them as they come.
He'll probably have a lot of frustration as he forgets how to do things. He may take those things out on you. What is difficult to figure out is how much to give to make him feel better, since it can introduce a lot of stress into your life.
Maybe if you'll give an example of what he is doing, people will grasp what stage he's in and give some good advice. If you get a change, google Teepa Snow and look for the You Tube videos that are available. You could find that many will help you a lot as you go through this with your husband. The people she talks about are at a more advanced stage of dementia, but her concepts are very good.
The early stage can be particularly frustrating for the caregiver. This is all new to you and you are not used to it. And the lack of logic is not yet severe enough or constant enough to keep you focused on it. So you go along as if things are almost normal and then, wham, out of the blue something really wacko comes up. No wonder we don't always respond appropriately!
The best you can do, I think, is reassure him that you want to help him and also don't want to take over for him, and to apologize when you get it "wrong."
My husband had Lewy Body Dementia, and we called it Lewy. (We both got mad at Lewy from time to time.) I could say, "Yes, of course you can carry a food tray. You've done it for decades! But we can't trust what ol' Lewy is going to do today, so how about I carry your tray and you bring the newspaper?" I always wanted to assure him that his impairments were not his fault.
I also often said something like, "You have an excellent brain, dear. You have an impressive education and you were a successful engineer. That excellent brain just isn't working at full capacity right now, so I'll help you for now." When we went to a new appointment he would cheerfully announce, "Jeanne comes with me. She's my memory."
It is a very fine line balancing between helping and taking over. Don't feel bad if you don't always get it right.
I am so very glad to hear you are getting counseling. This is huge change in the relationship and in your role.
Rather than back off when your husband wants to do something his way, be his assistant in doing it his way so that you can gently steer the activity back to doing it a rational, effective way.
With teeth and denture cleaning, for example, I found myself channelling my Texan psychotherapist friend with my whoops of "there you go! That's the way!" You don't have to go that far, but praise and encouragement will be cheering for him when everyday tasks have become depressingly hard to accomplish.
If he helped with the household chores let him fold the laundry, put things away. Even if you have to do it again.
As the dementia progresses he will do fewer and fewer things and what he can do will become more basic. Still let him do what he can. Unless it comes to safety either his or the family's.
I know it is frustrating but I just imagine how frustrating it must be for someone like my husband who was so used to doing everything around the house that when he could no longer do things he never admitted it but just said..I'll do it when I feel stronger.
As he is no longer able to do the things he could help him transition and he will find other things to do.
It helped my frustration with some things when I changed "won't to can't" in my head. When I would get frustrated when he WOULDN'T do something until I realized he COULDN'T do it. It's not that he wouldn't get to the bathroom in time but he couldn't get to the bathroom because he did not recognize the cues his body was giving him.
Each phase brings a different set of frustrations but with each phase it does clear some up. You say you are getting counseling but are you also going to a Support Group? It does help. Each person in a support group learns from another. Some have been in your spot and you can get "tricks of the trade" to help you through. And some can learn from you as to what you have found helps. Everyone has something to contribute and learn.
Approach this with an open mind and look for different ways to solve problems. It does help if you can "think outside the box" because with dementia..they think out side the box all the time.
At any rate, my mother is in denial that there is anything wrong, and gets very angry if I tell her what the neurologist and visiting nurse tests showed.
So I spend most of my time walking on eggshells trying not to upset her, and some days I fail miserably. Today was one of those days.
"Let's get the bills paid today do you want to write the checks and I'll record what we pay?" Doing it just before a football game gave him incentive to ask me to do the task for him so he could watch the game. I gave him control and the finances were not screwed up.
"Can you help put the laundry away? I'll do mine while you do yours."
If he forgot how to fold something, I'd fold one of his and hand it to him. He remembered where his clothes were for a long time.
He had always filled the dishwasher - so we would clean up after supper together.
Be creative - sometimes the choices offered are one easy and one somewhat obnoxious so the outcome was more predictable while he still felt some sense of control.
Apparently your mother wants to get the paper earlier than you want her to. Maybe this is to keep her routine as normal as possible. Maybe it is because reading the paper is something she looks forward to and she "can't wait" like a kid at Christmas. Maybe it is totally irrational. And now, maybe, it has become a power struggle.
This might be the battle you pick. I don't know. But is a compromise possible? Want you are concerned about is her safety. What if you explained that, and took her to pick out a reflective vest, like joggers and bike riders wear when they are out in the dark? "Mom, I'm not worried that you can't get the paper on your own. I'm worried about drivers who aren't paying attention. Let's get you the proper clothing to make sure the drivers can see you when you get the paper."
Another option would be to have the paper delivered to the doorstep. Is that a possibility?
On some of the high-conflict issues, coming up with ways to minimize the risk may be the best we can do.
As for explaining what her medical impairments are, that seems like a lost cause. It was very comforting and useful to my husband to understand what was going on, that it wasn't his fault, and that I'd help him compensate for his impairments. With my mother that approach would be totally counter-productive. We have never used the D word with her. It is a very individual decision. You've tried explaining it to your mother. That doesn't help. Give that approach up.
For you, you need to acknowledge how frustrating it is to deal with an irrational person. It is perfectly designed to drive one crazy. So whenever you manage to walk away, or make piece, or head off conflict, give yourself FULL CREDIT for doing a good job. When you mess up, pat yourself on the back and get back into the game.
We are 76 and 68(me). My husband is getting angry more often, working too hard, not sleeping enough, etc. You all know the drill. He is fully aware of his diagnosis and was very accepting of it, but now he blames my depression for all the problems in our life. My depression had been controlled very nicely for the last 30+ years!! We have been together for 45 years.
What I have learned from the support group/counselor is that I have to have patience, a thick skin and try to enter his reality. But there are times when none of that works. He is still so capable of most things, including carpentry, except when tired and I cannot make him rest. So that is under his control as I was told today. However, his agenda every day includes me helping him on a project and I have tried everything I know to gracefully exit, but the blame is still there is I don't help. I know that I will have less time for myself, but I look back now and see this has developed insidiously over the last few years and I was ignorant of the changes until the mental confusion set in.
Today he cancelled a vacation with me because he doesn't want to be in the same car and argue. We have taken dozens of road trips and other trips in our life and so I know this is the disease speaking big time.
I would almost think it would be better if he were worse so I could at least exert a little influence or control over him. He insists on going to the caregivers support group and then is upset by my questions about personality changes. I think I will find another group that is at a different time if I can and go 'shopping' then. Not that it will fool him for long.
He isn't doing anything physical to me and never has, but the words sting. So thanks again everyone, and I will keep on reading. It gives me instant relief.
Offtherails, I don't know if it will work for you, but sometimes saying something light will help me to get my way on something. If I wanted to go alone to a support meeting, I would say something like it is just going to be women talking about what to cook. And you knew he wouldn't be interested in doing something like that. It makes it sound like you're being considerate, instead of just shutting him out.
I wondered if he wants to be with you so much because you are his designated safe person. People with dementia can start being very clingy when they start slipping mentally. One person becomes their security blanket, so they get anxious when they're not there. Sometimes it is so extreme it is like shadowing. I don't know what to do when that happens. It is a difficult situation. Maybe someone will have some suggestions if you think this could be happening. His saying you don't want to help him do things may be a manly cover up of him feeling anxious without you -- I don't know, but I know you will.