I have a mother that I’ve had to take care of for 30 years and I’m 62: none of my siblings want her to live with them because she’s ungrateful- says means things and only cares about herself: my husband and I have given her a great life and now she lives with us in our newly built home that we designed for her to have her own side of the house . What do you do if you don’t have the heart to put her in a nursing home as she is 87 ; I try really hard to make her happy and comfortable- but she absolutely doesn’t care . I need peace and have a very peaceful life and supportive husband of 42 years - sometimes I feel so bad that this is in our lives - I’ve taken care of 4 of her children who our now grown and took care of her oldest son while die of cancer; I’m exhausted with her and the negative siblings- I just don’t know how to walk away because she only has me . Any advice on how to deal with someone all about themselves and ungrateful! Thank you I really needed to vent .
In these desperate and heartbreaking situations, I ask some simple questions:
1. Did your Mom ever sacrifice her best years of her life for an elder relative?
2. Who will be your caregiver when you need one? Mom will be gone.
You have sacrificed the prime of your life. Place her and have the peace you deserve. Rent out that newly built place and save the money for your own future and care giving costs.
Again, you had already sacrificed beyond the call. So has your wonderful husband. With your valuable time, emotions, hard work and sacrifice, you have nothing to feel guilty about WHATSOEVER.
Don;t waste another day agonizing over this. Make arrangements, and simply tell Mom 32 years is long enough. You cannot control a selfish elder.
Then you and hubby take a wonderful, romantic cruise and fall in love again.
YOU GOT THIS! You deserve love and happiness with peace.
I think if I reached a point where a person is ungrateful with anything you do it's time to focus more on your own life and enjoy that as much as possible, because the other thing is unlikely to change, especially your siblings, yours like mine have been useless. You at least have someone your husband to talk privately and share. I don't even a partner to talk to about these things. Your husband can at least support you, tell you you're doing a good job.
Also with a parent being ungrateful what are you childhood experiences, was she loving then? i.e can you still love if a parent is ungrateful now, but was loving throughout your childhood. Is it the health condition that's causing her to be ungrateful now, if so, you can hold onto all the love you had growing up. I know it's hard in the actual situation when you get nothing back for giving for so long.
Can children give unconditional love for an elderly parent? like most parents did when their children are growing up they talk back, shout, don't do what they're asked, but the parent still loves them (in most cases). The answer again is "some siblings" can; others are more selfish and don't remember the unconditional love their parents gave them.
I'm not fortunate in that respect, my siblings even though could have made life changes to help my mother but, they didn't and now my mother's about the same age as your mom and I know nothing is going to change. Needless to say I don't get on with my siblings.
I also giving myself advice by giving you advice; we have hold our heads up high, you've done a great job! you're a fantastic human being to give the time, effort and help, well done! As far as your mother keep looking, keep loving her, after her but live your life more to counter her ungrateful behavior. If you have other people around you then they can parent-sit while you do some thing you enjoy. Be proud of what you've done thus far, it's amazing. I'm not sure being ungrateful is enough to start thinking about nursing home, different if due to health condition.
I do wish you peace, rest and enjoyable times for yourself.
The problem is placing her. Does she have money for an AL? Is she 24/7 care so she can go to LTC and Medicaid pay? If no to both these questions, then you now need to set boundaries. She has her own side of the house, and except for meals, thats where she spends her days. Learn to say No. When she is nasty, walk away or say "Mom time to go to your side of the house." If she pouts, let her. You don't have to be nasty just firm like u would be to a child. She will either learn to be nice or not.
Of course you can include her in things, but when she becomes nasty or expects something, back to her side of the house she goes. She screams and hollars, you "gray rock" her. Look it up, gray rock method. You literally shut her out and ignore her. Never show her this upsets you.
No one can force you to do anything you don't want to unless perhaps they have a gun to your head, and I'm sure that was not the case.
So you must now ask yourself....why in the world was I willing to give up the best years of my life to care for an ungrateful witch? Only you can answer that, and I can only imagine that there's a lot unhealthy co-dependency, and dysfunction going on here.
You also say in one of your sentences that "I need peace and have a very peaceful life." Which one is it, and how can you have a "peaceful" life when you're living with such negativity all the time?
I will say though that your husband must be a saint, as I know of no other husband who would put up with living with his MIL for as long as yours has. He deserves some type of metal for sure.
You my dear need some heavy duty therapy to figure out why you've allowed this dysfunction to continue for as long as it has. And until you do you will sadly let it continue.
It's time to break this vicious cycle of abuse and dysfunction before it's too late. You DO NOT want this to continue on and to be your legacy.
Your siblings understand that they are entitled to their own lives, not one dedicated to their mother.
In AL she will make friends her own age, have activities, be fed and more.
Basically you have spent the majority of your adult life caring for her and not you.
Time for you to see a therapist to work on your codependency issues, which appears to be a big part of your problem.
She will not change it is you that needs to change. You are conditioned to do what you do, you have had a lot of practice....30 years, YIKEES. since she was in her 50's? Really does not compute to me.
Your siblings are nasty to you for two reasons. One, is because your mother did a mental number on all of you. Probably all of your lives. It will take a lot of work and mental health treatment for the lot of you to recover from that. Trust me, I know.
Two, because they do not want to share in any of the responsibility for her. This happens in families. Siblings who had close relationships would see those relationships destroyed rather than have to share in the caregiving of the parents.
This is especially true if there has been a history of abuse from the parent (and it sounds like there has been in your family as in mine). Or the parent is narcissistic, miserable, and manipulative, they need a high level of physical care, or they have dementia.
These are pretty common reasons for why siblings turn on each other and families break up - Caregiving. Though it sounds like in your case it was Care-forcing.
There is no reason on earth why you should have been taking care of your mother for the last 30 years. So stop. Whatever feelings of F.O.G. (Fear,Obligation,Guilt) you may feel about it, you can get over.
So basically there are two choices here to remove your life from the caregiver dumpster it's currently in.
Put her in a home
OR
Let her stay and hire live-in caregivers. You put a lock on your side of the house so she has no access to it. Then you and your husband visit her once or twice a week. You do ZERO caregiving for her and you certainly do not tolerate a moment of her nastiness anymore. Not one second.
My mother is much like yours and the same age. I too was her care slave and my sibling stayed away because she didn't want the responsibility. I can't blame her. I didn't want this dynamic anymore, so I changed it. I left and turned the caregiving over to homecare workers. My sib and I both visit our mother and call her often. The second she starts up with any nasty, ingrate, or instigating behavior the visit or phone call ends. Adios.
My sib and I are thick as thieves once again. This is what you should do.
Personally, I would tell her that you have tried everything in your power to help her and she doesn't appreciate it and tries to make you as miserable as she is and you are done. Old folks home, studio apartment, who cares, get out and enjoy the misery you work so hard for. But, I know being the scapegoat child is hard to break away from.
This is your choice and every single choice we make has consequences, so, what do you really want?
You are absolutely right. I'm a fellow scapegoat child myself and it is hard to break away from it. It's harder to live in the abuse though. Way harder.
I hope the OP can break the vicious cycle with her mother.
You are expecting your mom...now to change? It sounds like she has been this way for 86 years. (I will give her a pass for her first year)
What I don't understand is WHY have you been her caregiver for 30 years??!!! You do not go into detail as to any medical conditions that result in you having to care for her.
If she is capable of caring for herself back off.
Set boundaries (that should have been set 29 years and 11 months and 28 days ago)
You do not explain why she needs a Nursing Home. (aka Skilled Nursing Facility)
An Independent Living facility is quite different if she is really Independent and even an Assisted Living facility is different than a "Nursing home"
A little more info on your mom might help.
You’ve done so much . Now it’s your turn to live a life you and your husband want .
Place your mother . She’s going to be miserable no matter where she lives . Placing Mom is not walking away . You will still be her advocate . But you gain control of your own life . Don’t let Mom guilt trip and manipulate you either . You tell her you are getting older too and you can no longer take care of her.
You only have to make sure Mom has what she needs , not what she wants .
I wish I had learned that sooner. I finally woke up at about age 50. I still get angry at myself sometimes for allowing her to have so much power . Do not share your details about your own life to Mom, like traveling etc. because she will tell you that you forgot about her etc . Set boundaries .
Go see a therapist , this isn’t how you should be living . I have 4 siblings but I did it all for my parents . Take it from another daughter who was groomed to be servant to Mom, choose to live your own life now .
Each day we can choose again :
do the same VS make changes
You've done your best. It wasn't enough. You can hang on for another ten years, and she'll never give you what you're seeking - kindness, appreciation or love. And your opportunity to enjoy your peaceful life and husband will have slipped by.
A good time to have found other arrangements for her was when you built your new house. You could have told her that you and husband needed your life back - but you didn't. I fear that you are so bound to her and to trying to make her happy that you never will break free. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Get counseling to find out why you've sacrificed yourself for so many people. Find out why all this caregiving was more important to you than building a better life with your husband. And go visit some care facilities - assisted living places, or skilled nursing facilities if that's what she needs - where mom could have a social life, friends, outings, and be happy. If she's not happy at your house, you need to help her find a place where she at least has a chance of that.
Your story makes me sad, and I hope you can see your way clear to get out of a responsibility that never should have been yours.
Hindsight is 20/20. Sure, she should have made other arrangements for the mother before building the house, but she didn't.
She can still get her life back. She can place her mother. She can rent the other side of the house. It may turn out to be a blessing if at some point she and the husband may need a caregiver themselves. They'd have their own quarters.
My motto is never live with family or someone you're not sleeping with. Never live with your kids either. Grown adults should not be living with their parents either.
She only has you because her ugly behavior has pushed everyone else out of her life, which was her choice. You walk away by getting mother placed and exiting thru the front door of the nursing home. You can go visit at YOUR leisure and leave when the ugliness ramps up.
30 years is long enough to have sacrificed your happiness and your husband's happiness for someone who chooses misery every day, don't you think?
I tell you this with all love..................see a good psychologist and get help. You still have SOME life left, albeit you have missed some pretty important years.
That said, you ARE an adult. You HAVE made your own decisions. And I think it is right and proper to hold adults responsible for their own decisions.
You will change things when (if ever) you are ready to. That will take tremendous courage, because we are comfortable with habitual behaviors even when they destroy us.
I wish you the very best and I hope that you will seek help for yourself, knowing that you deserve a life. Just as we ALL do.