Both my sister and I - when asking questions about our Mom, or upon seeing a staff in the halls - have been told on a few occasions, "Well, have you thought of visiting more often?" Or "Gee, that was a short visit". They have come from more than one staff member and seems to be their default or "go-to" answer. The comments are hurtful and unwarranted. Mom is now in a sort of late moderate phase of Alzheimer's and can be, frankly, a piece of work: she's often crying or pouting and just very high-maintenance. I see Mom twice a week; my sister sees her once a week. The home suggested when we moved Mom there (9 months ago) that she could use some company. So, we also pay for a personal support worker to visit two hours a week. I am so LIVID that they would make these off-handed, passive-aggressive remarks to try to guilt us into visiting more often. We both work full-time so we are there evenings and weekends. We never see the same staff twice, so, outside of us signing in on arrival, they have NO idea how often we visit. I'm afraid to "confront" them, for fear that my Mom might not receive the same care, or that we'll be "shunned" somehow. Thoughts?
What I would do regarding their comments is just agree with their comments, even if you don't agree. "Yes, you are right, I will try to visit more often".... "You're right it was a short visit but Mom was sleeping and I didn't want to wake her... I will see her later".
I know that while I am a rather tolerant person, I would not tolerate those comments. I think I might have to deal with this by going over their head. It's insensitive and they have no idea what you are going through. For all they know, you are quite ill yourself and going through chemo. They don't know that you don't have another loved one that you are caring for at home or if you have a disability. They don't know your access to transportation or what personal problems you may be having In fact, it's more than insensitive, it's cruel. Those visits are not for them to judge or render comment on. As long as your loved one is being cared for, I'd question TPTB and set them straight. I'm not sure I would waste my time on the staff workers who make those comments as I don't think they know what they are talking about. They chide you and you visit twice per week! They are outrageous.
I understand why you would not want confrontation with staff when you visit. If you are feeling charitable, consider that they mean well, even if they are totally insensitive. Consider a response like, "Perhaps you are right. But for the present we can only do three family visits per week."
Have you and/or your sister been able to attend a quarterly care conference? (At least they are quarterly in the US ... I don't know about Canada.) These are mostly during business hours and if you are working it isn't convenient, but it might be work taking a half day off to make the next meeting. All areas of care are represented -- dietary, nursing, therapy, activities, etc. It is a good way to get an overview of your mom's condition, and also to interact with supervisory staff. Bring up questions that show you are interested in working with them. "Often when we visit Mom gets on a crying jag. Does she do that often when we are not here? Do you have any suggestions for handling that?"
The truth is that residential care is most effective if there is a sense of teamwork between family and staff. Every one is trying their best for the resident.
Once the Staff realized that I stood back and let them do their jobs, they really appreciated it. One time I visited Mom during dinner time and was trying to feed her, it wasn't going well, so one of the Aide came over... I confused that this was the first time feeding anyone as I never had children, what should I do? She was more than happy to show me the best way to feed Mom.
I had learned so much on this forum long before my Mom went into dementia, so I was ready, and didn't have any meltdowns. The Staff saw how I was interacting with Mom so they knew I knew how to handle it.
I did a lot of observing and was learning the routine the Staff had for their patients. The Staff needed a lot patience with their charges, as it was like trying to round up 5 year olds before and after dinner.