So, this summer my Mom settled down after going off the deep end with an obsession over bowel movements and diet coke, and we got the official diagnosis of Alzheimer's and vascular as secondary dementia. She has stopped obsessing about Diet Coke, and we are regulating it by giving her one at lunch and one at dinner, but none in her room.
I continue to take her to work out once a week, and her outside caregiver takes her to work out the other day, and then to play cribbage at the senior center the other day. Additionally, I take her to the library and occasionally to the store or other errands. She seems fairly content, and asks about once or twice a week to come live with me, but she's not being nasty about it like she was before. (she's at the memory care home just up the street from my house)
Friday she got an infection in one of her earring holes, so they asked me to take her earrings and clean them, so she's been rather mean about wanting them back, but she couldn't remember to leave them out of her ears. I'm bringing them back to her today, hopefully she won't be too snarky with me.
We are travelling to see family (without her) for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I'm a bit worried that there will be some backlash from her. However, what I have found is that many times I do things with her FOR ME, because it makes me feel better, but most of the time it doesn't necessarily make her feel better. Travelling would not be good for her at this stage in her disease, she simply gets too confused and then grumpy etc. She won't remember it, and her enjoyment will be fleeting. Still, I feel bad. Guess we will see how it goes.
The next morning (yesterday) at 9am Mom was calling me asking to go to the library. She called another five times, I let them all go to voice mail.
I answered her call this morning and told her that the library was closed today, and she was unhappy about that. Then I tried to mention that on Tuesday she still had three books to read, hoping she would go check the books and say, "oh, you are right" but instead she yelled and screamed at me that I was lying.
Clearly, my attempt was the wrong approach.
The minute we were off the phone, my husband started in. He's trying to be helpful by telling me things I should have said. I should have said, "mom, I will take you as soon as I can once the library opens back up"
Why didn't I think of that?
Anyway, his "helpfulness" just feels like further criticism right after listening to my Mom scream in frustration.
Sometimes my mind is blank and I don't say anything because I'm pretty sure nothing I say will have the desired outcome.
Besides, husband's suggestion, while always worth a try, assumes that your mother will respond rationally to being reassured that she will be taken to the [expletive deleted] library as soon as it opens.
She won't, you know. But by all means, try it next time, it can't hurt. And if it doesn't work and you have had more than enough, then try "mother. BUGGER the library books!" and hang up on her.
Heavy sigh. My guess is that you will remember this a lot longer than she will. No harm done.
Director explained to me and my experience is that each day is a reset for these folks. They don’t keep track of days or “think/obsess over what you are doing”; they won’t know how long you’ve been gone, haven’t visited or even remember it’s a holiday. Director tells me they keep everything routine for those folks because it’s comforting for them and the environment they are used do and find comfort. Travel in most cases raises their anxiety and confusion and exhausts them. So leave her knowing she’s safe, not obsessing over you and you and family have a good time.
Enjoy your holiday trips. If Mom does get upset, do your best to take it in stride and just move on with your usual visits.
And thanks for the update!
The obsession about the library books seems to be resolved and has moved on to other things. Mom is very angry a lot of the time, much like she was this summer for about a month, during which time we tested for UTI (negative) and adjusted her meds, a small increase in one of the mood/anxiety drugs.
We (caregivers, me, memory home staff) have all noticed her increased agitation and have discussed increasing or tweaking her medicine again. I think she's mostly bored. She has tons of energy and no physical impairments, and has never been good at sitting still. I don't want her stoned into a stupor, but I don't want her raging and angry all the time either.
Two days ago she was very angry about the new bathrobe we gave her for Christmas, that obsession continued to the next day and was promptly forgotten, only to be taken over by a new one: all her cash was "stolen" all $20 of it. Most likely it's tucked into a weird pocket of her purse, since her paranoia has increased.
She also didn't recognize the senior photo of my daughter in the frame and wants me to replace this person she doesn't know with a different photo. (to be honest, my daughter is 17, but looks about 12, but she was all done up with the make-up & hair for her portraits and looks much older in them.)
That and mom is mad as heck that the dining room at her memory care home is cold. It's cold because it has these big beautiful windows and tall ceilings, hard to keep warm when it's winter.
She's gotten into a habit of calling me after breakfast every day, which is some time after 8am. I have decided to quit answering the morning call in the hopes that she will quit calling me that early, since she has no idea what day of the week it is, there might be that one or two days a month I am actually capable of sleeping in and she'll be calling me to tell me the dining room is cold.
Oh well, hopefully this angry/venting phase will pass too.
I wish I could fix things for her, but I can't. That's the hardest thing to come to terms with.
You have to be REALLY ego-less to deal with a parent with dementia. Be well, my dear!
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