How do I wash my hands of a narcissistic, violent father?

First of all, I can really understand how painful this experience is for you, especially when you had decided to do right by him and try to help him, even though he has been harsh and unloving all of your life. I can't help you with the details of services available in his State. I guess that can be figured out with some phone calls. If he has been in the hospital lately, you could start with the patient advocate or the social worker in the hospital. BUT, I hope you can get some therapy for yourself. Carrying all this anger and pain inside of you will only hurt you. Please reach out and find a professional to work with. Don't wait until your father dies, as then you'll have the added burden of guilt to work through. I'm sure that having such a father has made you stronger AND more sensitive to the struggles of others. Take care of yourself through this difficult time. AND, just know that even asking this question shows that somewhere, deep inside you, even though he was violent and destructive, your father matters to you. Parents matter. They just do.

Oh my goodness. I am in tears as I read this post. How horrible for you.

Coming from a family with a very, very narcissistic father and a very narcissistic mother, I can tell you this is over your head. You do not owe him one thing except to make sure someone other than you takes care of him. Spend his money, or make sure he does, get advice from social services. Just don't take him into your life yourself. He is abusive.

My father and I never got along. I was his scape goat. He had a hard childhood but in reality he was a little bully. He bullied the weakest link, me. I now have PTSD whenever someone yells at me or talks down to me. My last conversation with my father was not pleasant. And it was about getting him help from the Veteran's Admin. He had way too much money but didn't want me to know about it. It was a lifetime of abuse, verbally and emotionally.

So under no circumstances would I have taken care of him. He has now died and I realize more than ever how little I had with him. My mother was his codependent. So realize, in dealing with your father, that you are going into the lion's den with a fly swatter. Don't do it.

You must remember, don't beat yourself up so about his care. What sort of care did he give you? You poor sister? God doesn't expect us to take this sort of punishment.

I am sure many will read your post and give you some great advice about who to contact and what to do. Listen to them.

I'm so sorry for the pain you continue to struggle with. It's nearly impossible to be there for an abusive parent that continues to abuse. Some do it; I'm not sure I could.

You could start by trying to reach out to the county social service system through the area council on aging. They are probably not going to be a lot of help unless he qualifies as low income, which it appears he doesn't at this point. But they may have resources that can help so they are the best place to start.

The other option is to hire a fee-for-service geriatric care manager that would take on this burden for you. You could pay him or her out of your dad's finances, if you have access to them. You can get his needs met and yours by turning to professionals. You just need to be persistent in finding the right fit for you.

Your situation is not unique but most people suffer in silence. I applaud you for reaching out and asking for help. Good luck...

I understand what you are going through. I went through hell with Mom. Patterns of abuse are started when we are young and continue through our adult years. I tried to do the best for her but it almost cost me my life. I'm the only one of my three sisters who did anything to take care of her. I finally had to distance myself from her and put her in a care facility. It was a new beginning for me. I didn't have to deal with the day to day abuse or guilt. I see her once a month. She has dementia and since moving to the nursing home she has mellowed out and seems to appreciate my visits...I just don't stay longer than an hour and I take someone in my family with me. I found out that I'm important, to me and my family. They care if I'm here or not. I need to do what is right for me. Mom has lived her life the way she wanted and is reaping the rewards of her previous decisions and behavior. You should do what is right for you. Set up the services for him...from afar. There are plenty of places that can take care of him. He has financial resources. You are important!!

Each person who suggested putting DISTANCE between you and your father is correct. I could tell the same story as yours except about my lifelong narcissistic mother and a brother who committed suicide.

When she needed help, I did extend myself by moving across the country to live near her. It was a bad idea from the beginning, but I thought that old age might change her. It did not and the Dementia made it worse. Within just a year and a half, I made another move 2,000 miles from her. It was an excellent decision. My advice would be not to allow toxic people in your life. Because they are a parent, doesn't give them a pass.

Bless you for caring. Find Adult Protective Services in your area and his - as you need some protection from him too. Talk to his doctor - he needs an evaluation and from there, I expect a care facility would be the next stop where he will be well taken care of. You must take care of yourself first.

I suggest, as butterflykisses says, that you call the Adult Protective Services in his town. Then, if possible, get the names and phone numbers of a few of his neighbors or friends. I have to manage my parents care from living 5 hours away, so I had to do this and learn the hard way. You need eyes and ears there and if you do not have access to his finances and you don't have the ability to hire an eldercare attorney yourself, you are hampered. You can let the people at APS know that you are a daughter, and you are concerned for his safety and ability to be in his home alone and, if it were necessary, you would take on the Power of Attorney or guardianship etc to help manage his care, but you do not have the financial resources to pay for getting things in place. THEN, you need to be in touch with the same people who are in touch with him, so they can let you know if/when he is not doing well. THEN, you make the call to APS and then go in themselves or send police to do a welfare check on him. At some point, it will be necessary for the decision to be made that he must go somewhere to be evaluated. THAT takes the decision making out of his and your hands. We went through this with my dad. Police called several times, and while my parents had done power of attorney papers putting me in charge when they were unable, they fought it when I started taking over. Things went downhill fast, but I to be persistant and eventually Dad was ordered by a judge that he could not come home and live with Mom due to his and her safety. THEN, I had about two days to find a place for him to go to, or the authorities would have picked the place. In this process, if he does have these resources, some agency will be sure that they get tapped into and will look for a family member to handle them. IF you have resources, or can find some attorney who will advise for free, that would give you the fastest feedback about how to get started with this. It will be a hard walk, but they will give him choices....home with care in the home that he pays for, or a facility placement. A stranger handling his finances or a family member. Cooperation from him, or decisions made against his will.... If you want to be the 'helper' you will need friends, neighbors and agencies to be your eyes and ears, while you remain distant from his abuse. He won't be nearly so abusive with them and he will calm down once he sees that his choices are limited too.

Is your dad a vet? If so, maybe they would put him in a VA facility.
My children's father was diagnosed with narcissus. Said he didn't have the ability to love at all. Our two children tried to have a distant relationship with him, but he demanded more. They were 16 and 21 when we left. They already had figured out he didn't love anyone! His life was a monumental effort to appear NORMAL.
He has never seen my daughters 4 children. My sons counselor, after meeting the dad told him to cut off relationship for his own sanity. Sad, so sad, but we have to save ourselves or we have no joy in life!
I'm caring for aging mom, but got her in assisted living. She Wants me "on call" 24/7. Trying to learn that now that she is better I can say "no"
Sometimes. I could NOT have lived with her or have her here. She is 15 min. Away. Life is a "pity party" for her most days. Whatever you manage to do, it will be a trying time, and maybe for a LONG time. Having God in my life has helped me SOO much. My prayers are with you and others in our situations.
Different, but painful in similar ways.

Your profile says you are caring for your mother with alzheimers. Is she part of the equation with your father?

As a daughter abused by parents & elder siblings (sexually & mentally/emotionally and sadistically in life endangering/threatening ways), I never bought-in to being a victim, an abuser or victim/abuser (really any abuser is a victim who cannot/will not help themselves- sad and sick- but whom any healthy person would protect themselves). If they were not my relatives would I really continue a relationship with someone who raped me, nearly killed me, enforced my victimization or kept silent when I asked for help within and outside the family? Not if I was sane! Only a masochist would remain in these relationships and help reinforce/enable them!

Forget for a moment that he is your father (the good and the bad)- what would you advised someone else who described this man & the life long relationship to do? What if you were a hired trustee or guardian would you do. Think & feel with human compassion and logic. He may be helpless now.. but not always.. he created his circumstances and always had the power to make better choices to create a better future for himself. He chose not to, it is not your burden, but his. The ultimate abuse is to convince the one who is victimized to become a victim/abuser.. that is the choice/power the one victimized always has, can embrace at any time.

Forgive those abusers who ultimately do more damage to themselves than others.. this releases/frees YOU.. you do not need them to ask for it.. this is good as it is unusual for them to ever ask for it... or even accept it if you verbalize it- this is within you, between you & God (or yourself/the universe whatever may apply for you).

If you have tried your best, then you have morally/spiritually fulfilled your obligations and can confirm w/elder care advocates/advisers/web resources re: appointing 3rd party guardian, making best use of his assets (home/bank accounts/life-disability insurance, VA/medicare/Medicaid/disability etc.. and walk away permanently.

His situation is the consequences which your father has set up for himself long before the dementia.. when he was well. And now he is not, this is not your doing or responsibility (confirm legal responsibility & fulfill those requirements).

It was NEVER your job to remain his life-long victim & hostage waiting for him to love you and ask you for forgiveness. These he never had/could or provide- ultimately - the abusive/loving person - is a lie/a scam to keep you hooked anyone who can love does not abuse.

Love and honor your parents/family by being a healthy, happy, productive citizen who fulfills their potential who is a credit to the family name, cream that rises above the abuse/making best use of it- to not repeat but choose love, self-respect, and respect for all that is good in the world. Protect THAT, further & support what is good and limit what is not.

Allow those who will not/have never acted with respect for others or themselves to suffer the consequences of their actions.. The same as those who commit crimes, need to serve the time/repay debt to society, be removed from those who they may commit future crimes.

We each create our own future (make our beds) and should not be enabled/protected from suffering the consequences of our own choices. We each have the option to make new choices every moment of every day. Your father made poor ones, his choice, his life.

You can chose to break the chain and make your own life, while loving & respecting him, honoring what good & bad that he provided, making the most of it - all of the good and the bad. Refuse to let the past or him/his choices to harm you anymore. Allowing him to live out his life according to his choices, an adult in a free will universe.

It is tough love and hard work.. however, I have come to see that the pain is the good stuff in life... if you use it well. Lemonade from lemons. invest your time, energy, etc in good and worthy causes. Volunteer, visit nursing homes and talk to the elders who will receive your love and attention with gratitude as perhaps their own well cared for children are too busy with their own self-important lives to return the love and care that they received from their parents.

I actually feel sorry for my peers who had it so much easier. They are shallow, greedy and self absorbed lacking compassion for others and themselves, clinging to the superficial and showing no comprehension of anything that relates to meaning and purpose and fulfillment - living a life of pleasure & power seekingness while complaining about how lacking it is; while seeking more/greater pleasures & power to "fix" the emptiness of their lives while using the people around them as things that should serve their needs. Giving God, spouses, children, friends, and parents lip service as they queue up positioning themselves to claim their inheritance and retire to the "good life"... which will be exactly like the lives they now live- as they will still be there making the same self-serving choices, which to not honor them or their families.

Your family may not be those people to whom you are related by blood, but those who share the same values/world view. Live a good and honorable life, forgive, have compassion, be happy - this will remain with you through the good and bad times and you will be honoring all those who have helped and hurt you along the way, and inspire and teach others by example. This is living.. this is meaning, purpose and happiness and will bring to you all that serves you to fulfill your potential and discover your own personal happiness and create a better world for yourself and all others.

Love and prayers; this is a very difficult situation. Try seeking advice from adult protective services and/or veterans administration in his town; and/or try to locate an attorney who specializes in issues concerning the elderly. I would make it clear that your goal is to disentangle yourself from your father completely and walk away--then do it--and do NOT let anyone guilt trip you about it. He made his bed.

If there is no one who can be responsible for your father, please talk to a county social worker about trying to find a state guardian for him. Your father is not going to let you help him. It sounds like he will only take you down with him. A guardian would be able to use his resources to make sure he is provided for and apply for Medicaid in the future if he should need it.

Take the next plane back home and call APS and tell them of his situation. Make sure you let them know he is violent and combative and you cannot possibly take responsibility for him. You say you are taking care of your elderly mother. Another reason not to take on responsibility for him. You tried to help and his resistence became too dangerous. Let strangers handle your father, he sounds like he deserves it.

Vipperdo, first let me say how deeply sorry I am for your loss of your sister, how deeply sorry I am for your loss of having a loving supportive father! I understand all to well my father is a Narcissist text book! I spent a month trying to help them I left them in better shape than I found them, my mother is still alive. However I lost my job within a weeks time I've no insurance and have hardly been able to put my life back together. My father is not insisting because he doesn't understand what the bank did and the how the Trust was set, he's accusing me of lying and stealing his money. The money hasn't gone anywhere but due to trying to get him his veterans pension the attorney for the time being set the trust in my name only for their savings not the checking nothing changed. So I have 20 insulting threatening messages from my narcissist father calling me names telling me he's having me arrested and gave me the name of his attorney that will put me in jail! All of their neighbors are aware of everything I've done to help them and ask me how I ever survived growing up with a father like that. I almost didn't I almost accomplished what you dear sister succeeded in doing when I was a teenager. Thank you for listening, having parents or just one parent like this yes can ruin your life. You've been given the right answers, back away, save whatever sanity you have left for yourself. Call the Adult protective services. I have an agency that is wonderful caring for my parents, he even called the police on them when my mother's wallet came up missing, but they found someone else to come in apparently they love her! The neighbors are my eyes and ears, I've kept everyone up to date on everything. My father approved my reimbursing myself for the elder attorney now swears he didn't. I have durable power of attorney of which he paid for but surely after the nasty message he will back out. The trust set up to help them get further funds for their care has hauled due to my fathers cooperation. The underwriter for the pension plan said in all his 5 years he's never come across anything like this with my father, if it were him he said he's walk away!

But, that is easier said than done! I thought so many times when my father broke my heart I was done but there is a soul tie that is of child and parent we come from them. I've had professional counselors doctors tell me to walk away they are killing you their toxic, you do so much better when you've had no contact with them. They are correct on all accounts! Again has been for me and I've come to realize my self sacrificing has not changed who they are, but has let me know who I am. I've backed away before then my father changes his tune when he realizes " oh boy who's going to help us now" then in now time I let them back in and well it's worse than ever. The guilt you were predisposed to it so you could be manipulated by them, trust me my father's messages as of late read " Is this the lairs house you better call me your mother isn't doing well, but we don't want to hear from the lair" Really dad dearest! Yep I'm going to be in therapy again for sometime. I hope you will love yourself for trying to do all you've done! I hope you will not feel guilty but can come to a place where you know you've helped them and what you've done is GOOD ENOUGH! You are lovable and deserve, kindness, peace and appreciation! God Bless you through your journey! Please vent when you need too, it helps to get it out of your system. By the way I've let my dad's sisters who don't want to take his abuse know I'm done, I've explained to his neighbors I had to have ATT. but a block on my parents phone number due to abusive calls. It's empowering, I pray not to look back! Take care of yourself!

Take yourself out of harm's way. Stop trying to do the impossible. Tell APS in his county that he is a vulnerable adult not capable of making good decisions for himself and that you have tried and cannot help him. There are some other steps that I might suggest trying first, but since you do not have access to his funds and cannot (should not!) spend your own money, you might as well skip straight to turning it over to a public agency.

You tried.Notify a public agency. Wash your hands of him.

I had to 'wash my hands' of my mother for the same kinds of reasons. I believe that God is our 'father' and a loving one at that. He understands our hearts, motivations, wants the best for us, and the biggest part of 'faith' is the part where we let go and stop trying to solve everything ourselves. I don't love my mother - she beat that out of me emotionally and when I was younger, physically and mentally. But as a Christian, I cannot hate her. Your dad has some resources. Find a competent attorney and line everything up and get away. When he runs out of money, he will be eligible for Medicaid. He won't be on the street if he's still living. I recently read someone's story who described dementia as this blank slate where the hateful parent was now 'absent'. I wish nothing bad for my mother but if she didn't recognize me it would probably be the only time I could 'have a relationship' with her (tongue in cheek when I say that). If your motives are not retaliatory, do what you have to, forgive all around and have a life, what's left of it.

Even if you've removed yourself from this awful situation, I urge you to get this book:
Boundaries
By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend
It will help you understand that you are doing the right thing. 18 months into caring for my own parents, I have also come to understand and believe what I've heard from others and read.....we really have to look at it as reversed roles, when the parents can no longer be reasonable or have good decision making. We really need to even sometimes talk to them like they are the child and we are the parent. Not disrespectful, but just matter of fact like we did with our own kids who were being unreasonable. Remember 'giving choices'?? Do you want to take your shower now or in an hour?' Do want to have this or that for breakfast today.....with each choice being acceptable to YOU as the authority who knows what is best. And for Zoolife....maybe your trust attorney has already helped with this, but when my parents took themselves off their trust and put me on, and signed off on the POAs putting me in charge, my Dad then did the same thing....Why...HE never did that!! HOW did that happen? HE was perfectly capable and would never have told anyone I should pay the bills and handle HIS money....etc etc. So the attorney called him in to a meeting....went over all the paperwork and my dad said he wanted to revoke it. The attorney said, OK...but because you signed it, we'll have to ask two of your doctors if they agree that you are capable. If they say NO, then we cannot legally undo it all. Of course the docs said no...and the attorney told my Dad that. Dad said, "I am firing the attorney and getting a new one!" Attorney invited him to do so. Attorney told me, " Your dad will sound rational to them for about 10 minutes and then they will see what's going on and they'll be 'too busy to take on the issue' Trust that we all know how to deal with this. " I've been told, almost ALL the elderly go through this behavior when they must give up control and it's just a matter of who's going to get to listen to it all. And if the parent is abusive, the child or whoever is handling things, needs to back off, and just put things in place to KEEP THEM SAFE. There is no need to take on the abuse. I've been able to learn how to say to mine, " Hey, I can tell you are angry and I think we just need a break from each other. I love you, but I have other things I need to focus on right now. I'll call you later." And on other occasions, just reassure that you are only doing what you must to safeguard them and their money and their health. I have to tell my Mom all the time, " I am doing everything exactly how the law office people tell me to do it" She seems happy to think SOMEONE, at least, is telling me what to do!! She'd be shocked to know the things they tell me I am authorized to do with their $$ though, since they were always so 'stingy' with their money! Like it's OK to use their trust to pay to fly a daughter in to help me. Or it's OK to use their trust $$ to pay for the gas when I must make a special trip to see them and do business relative to their care. If I am down there with them, and Mom wants to go out to dinner, it's OK to use the trust CC to pay for the dinner for both of us. She would want to fire the attorney too, if she knew all this because she believes this is all stuff I should be willing to pay for myself because she is my mother and it's my duty!
anyhow....I found the book very helpful. It will help you feel guilt free over what you must do to care for yourself.

Here is your local info:
http://www.arlingtonva.us/Departments/humanservices/services/aging/HumanServicesServicesAgingAgingDisability.aspx

Arlington Agency on Aging :: 703-228-1700

Good luck!

I understand that you do not want to take care of your father because of the emotional damage he put upon you. I feel the same way for my parents, they are both verbally abusive throughout my life and they shouldn't have been parents in the first place, they are not invalid but if that happens in the future, I will not be their caregiver. I am only a caregiver of my grandpa because he was more like a father to me than my own dad so I am taking care of him now. But anyway, my suggestion is to call social services or adult protective services so they can tell you the procedure. Maybe he would be under the care of the state if he doesn't have enough funds for his care. Hope this helps!

I read with sadness all these posts of cruelty to children and siblings. Isn't it sad that when roles are reversed, the ones doing the caregiving get the least amount of help. Why are our adult parents/siblings so angry to be so cruel to those who are only trying to help them. Patience and understanding are short lived when you are bearing the brunt of such painful behavior from parents/siblings. Protect yourself first. Step back and step away for a while if necessary. I pray that one day each of you who are doing your best will reap the reward you so richly deserve - God sees your heart and hears your prayers. Perhaps if the narcissistic parents had had more tenderness and love, less of the bruised spirit, they would be different people now. God bless everyone who is suffering - there is so much to be thankful for - we just have to look for it. xxxooo

Wow, your story is my story. Right before dying, my father learned that I was keeping my mother from him and he tried like crazy to get to his wife back so he could abuse her. I had to make the decision to withdraw life support from my father. He appeared so small and desperate in the end, never ceasing to tell me that he loved me even after I removed my mother from his life. As I held my father's birth certificate in one hand and his death certificate in the other hand, I realized that parents do the best they can with whatever tools they have been given by their parents. And at that moment I found myself wishing that I had more patience, compassion because that would have certainly been a lot easier than living with the anger and regret that I am living with today.

Try praying for him and yourself. If only in your own room, forgivr your father and release yourself. Then contact social services in his area to provide resources for your dad's care. Let them know that you are available to them fom a distance for emergencies only. God says how can we love Him whom we have not seen if we can not loe our brother whom we have seen. You should still look at him as a lost soul. If you do not release you anger for him, you will not be able to release yourself and move on in peace. Be blessed.

Just a few ideas with no experience in doing any of these: aging and adult services; advise them you are next of kin (include names/addresses of any others) and that you cannot take care of him (just as you told us) but you don't have to explain your life history; simply I cannot take care of him. Ask them what are the steps to ensure he is taken care of fincially, medically etc. I am suspecting that the courts would assign him a guardian? Typically when someone that is elderly is found sick or troubled, whoever has the person in their custody (a hospital etc) will attempt to contact next of kin
Determine if you want to be the guardian that handles his financial affairs (at a distance, that is, someone would need to determine that he can no longer manage his affairs and you could be assigned guardian for money matters. You could just pay the bills whatever they may be and someone else could make decisions about selling property, placing him in a facility etc. All questions to ask. If you want to wash your hands, do you want to be notified he his health turns critical or if he has died? Make sure someone knows this. Plenty of people in this society have no one so someone gets assigned....how will his funeral and burial expenses be paid for? I guess its a matter of washing your hands 100 percent or 50 percent--

You could also call the courts that handle guardianship and ask them and let them know how little or how much you want to be involved in selecting a guardian...them along with aging and adult services, adult protective service (in CA) is for reporting abuse. You might also do some internet searches.

While you are where he is, contact an elder attorney, explain your situation, and the firm can arrange for a guardian for him. Since he is violent, protect yourself and let the legal beagles handle him. You can wish him well, but get on with your life. Best wishes!

No one deserves retribution. Not even the abusers. Why do we want to become like them???????????????????? Just saying

brobe029, do you think someone is suggesting retribution?

In all these posts, I did not read any suggestion of retribution. These posts are for people to ask for help; she needs to protect herself from her narcissistic father. She has been given much advice, most of it excellent for her situation. Unless we've been a caregiver and walked a mile in her shoes, our advice can only be given as a suggestion - there are no two situations alike. Alz./dementia is the most awful thing that can happen to a loved one. I've experienced that first hand. It is not easy by any means with new challenges by the day. Keep up the good work and get some help, i.e., Adult Protective Services, your county social worker, even the police if necessary, and an Elder Law lawyer.
Blessings.

Forgive your father and set yourself free. Leave all the " baggage" behind with him, you will feel the weight lift. Just make sure the legal control is in place. Do not feel guilty he certainly doesn't, the most he may feel is sorry for himself but probably he will just die as the angry person he has always been

Narcissists are tough to wash off completely, even with repeated cleanings. You might want to try a degreaser like Krud Kutter. A few squirts of this stuff, allow 15 seconds for it to work (foam up) then use something like a Dobie cleaning pad (rough part of the sponge) and dry it with a paper towel. You will probably need to repeat this a few times, especially if the krud is thickly layered on after many years, often the case with narcicssists. After cleansing, I recommend soothing and gentle lotions, as you might feel rough and exposed. FYI, Krud Kutter can also be used as a laundry pre-treatment.


Seriously, I wish you all the best. It's a very challenging situation to be in, as I know personally.