After calling the doctor and waiting for a social worker to come and loosing the first caregiver in the home and trying to get a new one for the interim we have now decided to place dad. Im not sure how this is all going to go, I know he will be upset, I know he will fight it at first, but he sleeps almost 20 hours a day, or just sits in his chair with his eyes closed, he doesn't engage in anything, he doesn't watch TV or even go out to the porch to feel the breeze in the evenings. I want to cry, but also feel once settled this is going to be a major relief and happy thing. No one will visit him because of his current living conditions. I try my best to clean as much as I can when I'm there but it seems in a matter of days the toilet is a disaster and there is dirty dishes and horrible food everywhere. My heart is breaking as this is the most wonderful daddy but I have to do what's best for him. that is the only thought in my mind. He will thrive in the long run. Anyway, comments, thoughts etc.
What will be hard is downsizing what Dad will take to his new place. My Dad wanted his 200 books but I asked him to sort through them. The standing joke was Dad was now taking 199 books :) He had room for bookcases, so why not, if it made him happy. I let Dad take whatever was within reason.... no, Dad, your workbench won't fit in your room.
Hopefully your Dad will thrive in his new home, mine did. He was happy as a clam and he didn't need to worry about his house any more. I quickly sold his house and made sure he was part of the whole process.
My LO, who had dementia, did pretty well in AL at first, but, soon it was apparent that she needed a much higher level of care than a regular AL.(Have you discussed what level of care that he will need with the AL?) We moved her to Memory Care and it was the right move. That's where she really seemed to fit in and relax. She seemed to sense that she was somewhere where they knew how to care for her and where other residents shared her condition.
Will your dad accept the care at AL or resist? That's one thing that we had a problem. With a regular AL, their staff is not really trained or equipped to manage residents who are refusing baths, refusing meds, totally incontinent, etc. I was getting a lot of phone calls about her need for more care. I'd just keep that in mind, so that you are prepared. AL is great for some, but, with some, their level of care may be higher than what they can provide.
Please let us know how things go with your dad.
Let me just add: trust the staff. They have tons of experience with every aspect of this transition.
I didn't believe that my mom would adjust. They told me she would--and she did. She loves her AL now. She also sleeps all day and doesn't do much, won't leave the building. But she loves her creature comforts and that is paramount to her.
She'd come to the point where she really wasn't leaving the house except when necessary - sometimes not even going down for the mail, which used to be a highlight. Her eating habits were awful, there was nothing she liked and ate more cookies that anyone should. She doted on those cats, her entire day revolved around them and what they would eat. She spent 8-10 hours a day - no exaggeration - sitting in front of the computer playing solitaire or online jigsaw puzzles. She'd stopped visiting or having visitors. Her self-esteem was at an all-time low, a lot of it because of the word loss that has come with early Alzheimers.
What helped move things along was having her visit with the resident "ambassadors" there, uber-friendly folks who had a meal with her and talked to her about what life there as like.
Two weeks later: Her new apartment (bedroom, living room, kitchen - with no stove) is sunny and decorated with her own stuff. She has welcomed visitors - family and friends. She looks forward to her meals because of the company at the table and the quality of the food. Normally very shy, she is branching out and facing her fears - taking trips into town with the group, checking out things she used to look down on like beading classes or knitting groups, and had the most delightful time when a group of kids came to visit and hang with the "olds."
This was the best decision we could have made. What I didn't expect is that I am having a harder time with the transition than she is. I'm the one having difficulty letting go of control of her meds, control of everything.
I used to call daily, just to make sure she'd eaten, had gotten dressed, etc. Now, if she doesn't come for a meal, someone comes to find her, and they come find her in the evening to give her her meds. So, at least 4 times a day, someone competent is laying eyes on her. This has been a more difficult change for me than for her on the one hand, on the other, I know she's safe, well-fed, has good company, and is happy.
Hope that is helpful.
The facility was built by two men who could not find adequate care for their own parents. The owner's parents live there, so the care is excellent, the facility is clean and has great amenities.
Like you, I tried to care for mom at home for almost 4 years. Until her short term memory and cognitive function declined to the point that she could not be left alone for any amount of time, she would panic if I left to go to pick up a pizza. I had home care for working hours, and then she left and the agency could not find an adequate replacement.
To make a long story short, mom is adjusting to AL, I went for a surprise visit this afternoon, and she told me she went to the resident's meeting, and for the first time didn't try to guilt me into bringing her back to my house.
My point with that is, don't feel guilty, your dad will be in good care, and if you continue like you are now, the stress may very will kill you. My health was not great, and now I am so much better, and I can actually just visit and be a daughter again instead of the constant worry and stress.
Good luck!
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