I am the caregiver for my mother, which I am willing to do, and my brothers are somewhat supportive to Mom from a distance, by calling her sometimes. We all get along, but we're going on 3 years of this arrangement. Mom is not able (and doesn't want to) travel to their homes. Other than asking them to come for a few days, what other ways could they be supportive to me? Do I dare ask them for some financial help, as we take her out to eat and take her shopping every week? (A little gas and food money would be nice, but I don't want to seem stingy.) One of them calls me occasionally but the other one never does. Any other suggestions? Thanks in advance.
I don't believe that children should spend their money in support of their parents. I don't mean gas money for every little trip to appointment or to shop, but I do mean this in general.
As to visits, I would assume if children have a loving relationship with their parent they would want to see their parent when they can/are able. That is up to the parent and the individual child. I would hope that visiting siblings would foot the cost of going out to eat, ordering in food, providing their own motel and hotel costs. It would be lovely if they would leave you a cash gift if they are able, because realistically you do foot some costs. That is up to them as well. As you said, a little gas money would be lovely.
As to how often they call? Their own choice. And likely in sum total of how fond or interested they are in their parent.
So in short, I think that how the siblings handle their lives is up to them, and I would frown upon them suggesting how you handle your own; that's up to you. There is ONE THING I DO KNOW. The most important thing that siblings can give to the parent is that they love one another, get along, and avoid at any and all costs sibling bickering and gossip. That would tear a parent right down the center, and is the most cruel thing siblings can do to a parent.
I sure wish you the best. I know full well you are doing the heavy lifting. You chose it, but that doesn't mean it is easy, predictable or without costs of all kinds. So know I know you as the hero in this story. Just keep on being heroic and let go on thinking about what the siblings don't do. It will take at least one burden off you if you let this go.
To make a very long story short, several years ago my MIL became a train wreck, due to self-inflicted poverty & debt, a selfish husband and cognitive/memory problems. I volunteered to help solve some of their daily living issues. At the time there were 2 other BILs and 2 stepBILs, 3 who were out of state. We had an initial conference call with all of them, complete with an agenda so we could be produtive and not veer off-topic or become emotional. We came to necessary agreements, etc.
After that I started to send out daily email updates (because I was literally having to help them every day while working in our family business full time while raising 3 boys). I kept the email updates as concise as possble with no emotional language. The subject line would indicate, Today's Update or Please Read (if they needed to be informed of something important but no action was required) of Please Read, Response Requested (if I needed them to weigh in on a decision) or URGENT: ACTION REQUIRED. I didn't really care if they participated or not. All I wanted was for them to never be able to come back to me (as the DIL) and say "I didn't know this or that". Which of course would not be true because I made sure it wasn't.
The BILs and stepBILs were very supportive and appreciate because I told them in gory detail about everyday life: trying to take 2 barely mobile people to the dental school for much needed care, which took me literally all day. Finding out MIL was overdrafted $900+ because she didn't remember she'd been writing out other checks or for how much (nothing written in the register) and fighting with bank, and on and on. BILs generously offered to send money, sent her gifts, sent ME gifts, and made time to visit. And I didn't have to ask them for any of it.
Could they have cared less? Sure, but I accepted this possibility going into it and me and hubs had no expectations. He and his other local bro were the PoAs, not me, but I was doing most of the work because of my flexible schedule and willingness.
So, my recommendation is for you to start sending out "updates". If they ask why you are sending them, tell them "because she's your mother". If they hint they don't want to get the updates, don't respond and keep just sending them. Writing it out every day is also cathartic. I wish you peace in your heart and blessings from unexpected places.
If you die, what are her options?
Statistics prove that 40%+ of ALL caregivers die before the person they are caring for. Without a balance you are on the fast track of becoming a statistic.
What do you need to feel refreshed, calm and able to continue, without putting yourself at risk?
Tell your mother what will be happening and don't take no, I don't want to as an excuse. We ALL have to do things we don't want to, it's life.
Arrange what works for you and your brothers, load mom up and drop her off on your way to your vacation.
I think you should get at least a 6 week break, that only means 3 weeks for each brother. I guarantee they will be more understanding and supportive after they have had to deal with the day to day and really see what her condition is.
You matter too!
Mom should be paying her share of costs, monthly.
great question :). and i think we should ask ourselves that every day. hug & courage to everyone! :)
Your Mom should have money of her own. She should be giving you gas money and treating you to dinner occasionally. We had a Friday tradition to BK ever since they came to town and youngest was little. It went into taking grands and after Dad died Mom. Occasionally, she would treat but it wasn't expected. But our finances never suffered because of what we did for Mom. If Mom is having trouble making ends meet, then I would call brothers and see if they could send her something monthly. Then u can ask her to allow for gas and an occasional treat.
My SIL insisted on sending Mom presents. I suggested she send her money. Mom and I went shopping after Mothers Day. She would pick out outfits she liked and I would pay for them. This included MDay and her birthday. So sending Mom money she could get what she needed and wanted. (We did this after Christmas too) No SIL kept sending stuff Mom would not or could not wear. I found tops in her drawer brand new. No way would she ever have worn them.