How can a caregiver be protected and assured that there is help when a situation like mine arises? For the last 2 1/2 years I’ve been taking care of my stepfather after my mother passed away in January 2022. She made me promise that I would take care of him and look after him, because she knew that nobody else would, not even his kids. He had moved away during the last year of her life, because he could not deal with her health. He was caught on video, trying to suffocate my mother towards the end, then he just disappeared. He moved to a neighbor’s place a few blocks away. When she passed I contacted him and asked him to please come back and move into our home. He was very stern and straightforward, telling me that he would not move back that I needed to get on with my life. I explained to him that I had no money and that I had been living off my mom’s pensions to support both of us. I have no more savings. I spent all my savings on taking care of my mom. I literally had nothing, not even a car or money to bury my mom. Reluctantly, he did move back in. He brings in about $5000 a month and had recently paid off all his bills. Over the last 2 1/2 years I’ve been building my life back. My mom left me inheritance and I was able to buy a car. I was able to pay bills down and spent it all pretty much. He has always held his money over my head whenever I needed anything. Whenever I needed help I’d ask and he would get mad at me. There were several times where I asked him for money so I could get medical stuff done and he got mad and wrote me a note telling me that’s not gonna be possible and then he left and went back down to these neighbor’s again. He stayed there for a few months and then came back. He’s been experiencing, what I believe to be, the onset of dementia. He has walked out of the house, and the sheriffs had to bring him back in the middle of the night. He just recently spent five months in a skilled nursing facility because of his memory. He refuses to fix meals for himself even if it’s breakfast. He would even wait for me to serve him when it was something as simple as cereal. I told him I’m not gonna be a maid or serve him and that he needs to keep doing things so he stays on point. He also fell here at home. I took him to the hospital immediately and ordered him one of those medical alert monitors. I bought it for him and surprised him with it since he previously said he didn’t want one. A while back I was sick. He came to ask me to make him cereal and told him I didn’t feel well and that I would show him where things were but I didn’t want to get him sick. I went back to sleep, and when I woke up, he was gone (back to the neighbors). He went to close all of the bank accounts, canceled all my payments and the power is being shut off here at our house. He has not even checked on me . I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been a quitter and I don’t give up but I tell you I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do. I’m about ready to lose everything. On top of it all, I couldn’t pay the lawyers who are defending our foreclosure.
Without us knowing whose names are on what bills, it is very hard to give you advice (and also, specifics vary based on states and counties). I know from my MILs experience that foreclosure takes about 18 months to be final.
From what you wrote it seems like you are an adult who chose to be financially dependent upon your parents. It seems like the neighbors may be protecting your stepfather by locking you out of his accounts in order to pay for his care (probably in a facility where he needs to be). $5K may barely cover that cost for him.
We are only getting your side of the story. You really need to see a lawyer who is licensed in your home state. You can try to find one who will do pro bono (free) work for you. We aren't lawyers.
Let him deal with things. If he manages to get back to the hospital if he is unable to manage on his own safely they will not discharge him. YOU are not responsible for him.
Frankly you have been living off your mom's pension and her assets. You can't do that. there should have been a contract paying you for caregiving. You are not about to lose everything....it sounds like you don't have anything to lose. If you used YOUR money to pay bills you should not have.
Water under the bridge but you should have taken the inheritance and left.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to move on.
Find a job, get a place and start your life.
OK...just read your profile. YOU moved your mom and step dad into YOUR place.
If this place is in YOUR name you should sell and move to a place you can better afford.
When your step dad moves out again don't let him back in.
And I go back to my comment that you need to get a job, get your life in order.
You can't continue to live off your parents income.
I am going to go back to when your mother was alive, A. You tell us she left you a bit of an inheritance. You said that with this inheritance from her you were able to buy a car.
My question is this:
Who inherited the house?
You mention having moved into this house when your mom was diagnosed with melanoma stage IV. You said that your stepdad LEFT your mother during this long protracted illness of hers. Who did the house belong to upon her death? Mother? Stepfather? Both? Who was executor or administrator of mom's assets/estate?
You're now left destitute and cut off by stepdad whose diagnosis may include dementia; whatever the case, he is unwilling to help you and has removed you from accounts and "cut off the power to the house." I fear the next step is eviction and sale of the house.
I would first of all go to the county and see if this home deed and title is listed to your mother, your stepdad, or both. If so, you must find access to an attorney for options.
Until evicted you can stay in this house. If stepdad has dementia I don't see how he can do an eviction unless he has an acting POA--perhaps these folks he moved with.
Your story is so complicated, I don't know there is much that we can advise you. I would contact APS and ask for shelter information for your area, and would try to get a job. While you have no good job history, per se, you have been taking care of two elders for many years and a good place to start looking may be at elder care facilities where you may be able to start at some level such as kitchen aid and work up from there.
I wish I could have more advice for you. People are living in tents and cars all over my city, and I never thought to live to see the like of it.
I am sorry for your woes and I hope things go well for you, but as I said, this is such a decades long history in which you were never protected, paid, nor with contract or rights; I just don't know what to tell you other than to reach out for help in your community.
You are right...what happened to the house they had in Colorado?
There seems to be some question as to whose house you are living in.
Another responder says they moved in with YOU.
Is this YOUR house?
If this is YOUR house how did others turn off the lights?
Are you asking us how to protect legally a home that you already own?
Hopefully the title is in your name. So no protection needed.
Also it seems you do have a job?
Is that correct?
If you do have a house and you do have a job I honestly don't see what matters in where stepdad chooses to live?
You respond below that you have signed POA for stepdad.
I would give that up at once. It is a thankless job to serve as POA for someone who isn't at all cooperative.
I admit this situation is way over my head, so I am going to let others help you where they are able. I can only leave you hoping that all goes well with you, and you get on with good house, good job, your own home, and better friends than stepdad! Take good care of yourself; it's been a long journey of caregiving for you. It is good it is over and you can get on with your own life.
"I do have a job now when my mom was alive she was a 24 hour Job. Before that worked for NBC in broadcasting but decided to take care of my mother. Thank you for you comments….. dementia and Alzheimer’s are unpredictable and can turn a person into a vary different person who will go against you lie to you and call the authorities on you and you have no idea until they show up with lights and sirens. It’s a vary delicate situation and there are not a lot of references when you are being manipulated by the person who you are taking care of….. and that is my job 24/7 and I do have POAs and a caretaker agreement all signed and notarized. "