What can I expect?
Three years ago, I mentioned to my Internist that I was concerned about my husband’s memory. The doctor (also my husband’s) said that when my husband recognizes the problem, we can come in together to see him.
For the following two years, I took care of my mom until she passed away last June. (Sad day.) My husband’s short-term memory issues continue to flared up every now and then. I somehow figured after Mom passed, I would be taking care of him.
Fast forward. I saw my doctor a few months ago. I told him, again, what my husband was doing and he said that it does not sound like normal age-related issues, and that he needs to make an appointment.
Some of the things my husband is doing are: Putting things away in the kitchen in places they have not been in 15 years. Then he (and I!) cannot find whatever it is. He loses things often. He gets really mad (I mean REALLY mad) when that happens. He asks the same questions in a short amount of time. I am starting to just answer the questions the same way, trying not to get frustrated. Today, he asked me 4 times if I had gotten the mail. That was after he realized after the first time, that I had already gotten it. He still asked me three more times.
My husband has finally noticed a problem — mainly with losing things or not being able to do simple things — like using a computer program that he has used for years.
I have told him about making an appointment with the doctor. His yearly appointment was to be April 13, but was cancelled because of COVID 19. Appointments are now being made in July.
Sometimes, he is fine with the memory problem — which perplexes me. How can someone can be fine one day, and have issues the next? But, I have recently realized that he has not been brushing his teeth. He also doesn’t take a shower too often, except when he is going somewhere. Now that we are to stay in our homes, except for grocery shopping, his showers are few and far between....
I don’t know how much I should say to my husband about certain things — like showering or brushing his teeth. He has always been a real “macho man” and doesn’t like to be told what he has to do. I also don’t know what to expect in the future. It really worries me. I am 63, and my husband is almost 72.
Does this sound like Alzheimer’s, or another form of dementia? What can I expect? How long can this go on? I know those questions may not be answerable, since everyone is different, but I would like to know if anyone has experienced similar things. I feel like I am the one going crazy.
His doc said he showed all the signs of Alzheimer’s and I learned to deal with it. Couldn’t try to reason or convince him of anything, just had to go with the flow, try to not upset him.
He is now in a nursing home with fairly advanced dementia.
I hope this is not the case for your husband. You can research dementia and how to cope with it on this site. I learned a lot using this website.
I would prepare myself for anything though. By the time my LO (cousin) got to the doctor. ( I insisted and took her.) Her primary diagnosed SIGNIFICANT dementia. She bypassed the cognitive decline phase. Or, she hid that phase pretty well. She was only 62 years old:(
My father has had 3 mini mental health evals over the last few years. I was present for one of them. He does really well, though, we have become concerned about some of his memory issues. He is excellent in math, drawing, word puzzles, hygiene, activities, etc. and it reflects in his test, but, IDK....I still wonder about some things. His MRI showed normal. So, I would be prepared for anything on the eval. I guess the important thing about a diagnosis is that if it's a condition that responds to medication, that would be an option. Some people say that meds help in the early stages, for some types of conditions.
I'm wondering why your doctor said that your DH needed to recognize a problem with cognition before doing eval....hmmm.....because, why does that matter? Most people who have dementia, don't know and do not have the ability to accept it. And, even if they do accept it, they forget about it. So, their ability to understand what they have seems to have little benefit. I suppose it could help him get his affairs in order. Does he have Durable POA, Healthcare POA, Advance Medical Directive? I'd work on that.
If he's not taking care of hygiene due to dementia....he'll like continue and it will be a chore to get him to do it. Later, people may be more cooperative as they become less aware. I'd read a lot and see an Elder Law attorney about asset protection and your rights and obligations. See your own attorney who can advise you what's best for you. One who represents him, can't tell you that. Most attorneys are consulting right now by phone or skype.
I also wondered about an online dementia evaluation. I figured he would be given one of the written tests in the office.
Tonight, my husband did tell me to remind him to shave.... That gave me the opportunity to say something about showering and brushing his teeth. When I told him he has not brushed his teeth, he said, "Yes I have." Then, he looked in the mirror and said, "Oh. I have gotten out of my routine." I think he has neglected his teeth for a few months now.... I only recently decided to check his toothbrush and re-position it so that I knew for sure.
We'll see what tomorrow brings....
Please do your research on the attorney. We went through finding one a year or so ago and found that many, many unscrupulous attorneys are claiming to be elder law attorneys, they can sign up at NAELA as an elder law without any qualifications or special certification, it is terribly misleading and costs people money and a sense of security. Please find a certified elder law attorney, we found that they were cheaper because it is what they do day in and day out. I am talking 10k cheaper than some "elder law" attorneys we interviewed.
I the case of my parents, both in their 90s, were cooperative in my search, although my dad was somewhat attached to their (unhelpful) doctor, because of the doctors history as a missionary. I finally chose a doctor who was attached to the hospital they often used when they had a medical emergency. (That doctor was what you might call a hospitalist, but also had a clinic attached to the hospital.) My Dad was clearly suffering from dementia, but my mother only had minor short term memory loss. Mom 'passed' the Mini Mental exam, but she had prepared, remembered the day and date, etc. However the doctor knew from her previous history, that Mom could not, would not take medication as prescribed.
I retained an elder care attorney who represented me at probate court to have me appointed guardian and conservator. I chose him based on referrals from other attorneys. Later, he became less helpful, and I chose another one, primarily because he had a mailbox at the probate court.
I know that the Covid 19 pandemic makes shopping harder! Good luck.
It does sound like your husband has some form of dementia. You will need to take on more and more responsibility for managing his safety and hygiene.
I mentioned to him last night that we need to get some legal things taken care of — like POAs for both of us. I am also thinking ahead because if something happens to me, he will not know what to do. Both of our children live in different states.
To top all this off, we have 2 geriatric dogs...
As the world goes through this stay at home and all it contains ,you may have to wait for the professionals.
Try: put stick it notes up on cupboards for yourself (and he will read them )
calendars or white board's in private washrooms.
birthday and special occasions,phone #s on another white board in the bedroom
You can tell him they are for you ,because you can't remember everything.
FIBS ARE OK ,IF IT HELPS YOU AND SETTLES HIM
PIC YOUR BATTLES ,don't sweat the small stuff ,as long as you are both not harmed and are safe,your better off than some .
I hope this will help,and I wish you both the best of everything moving forward.
My father passed in may 2019 of dementia
My mother is now In stage 5 dementia and lives with my husband and i .
So ,it has been a learning experience that I wish on no one .
these few little things helped me get by ....
Your suggestions sound like like they will be helpful.