My mom and step-dad have been together for 34 years, and my dad is 97. He cannot walk anymore because his legs are weak and he falls a lot, and my mom has a very difficult time picking him up when he falls (she has had to call for EMS or the FD many times). He has issues with incontenance, and my mom has a very difficult time changing and cleaning him when he messes himself, or when he needs to be dressed or cleaned. My mom says she can't approach him again about nursing home care because he has threatened to break all of the windows with a hammer or try to kill himself. She proposed to me to come and get him (I live two hours from them) under the guise of just bringing him to my home to visit, but then having him stay with me (Isn't this kidnapping?!). I know hes not going to want to stay. I have a young child and certainly don't want him exposed to violence or, God forbid, a suicide attempt. Plus I work, so I cannot be home with him the whole time. So, I guess my questions are, one, what can we do about care for my dad; and, two, can I bring him to my home?
Yep those hover around can cover a lot of space pretty quickly!
And so happy he is staying put at his own home.
As for breaking out windows, for a 98-year-old in a hover-round, he gets around pretty well in it. He works in his shop even, with tools, when he has the energy, so rolling around the house wielding a hammer and hitting things isn't a stretch.
I called APS already, by the way, and they went to their home yesterday. The case worker is helping with the Medicaid application process with waivers for something -- not sure what.
Your child should not have any exposure to him. In any location. For any reason.
Now back to Mom’s lament. If StepDad can’t walk, he can’t break all the windows with a hammer. Probably can’t kill himself either. Unless he keeps a handgun tucked in his wheelchair. (And if that’s the case, the real issue here is the threat to your mother’s life. Not that old pig’s life.)
Fyreflye, let’s make one thing clear. What’s right for you and your household is not what Mom wants. CHOOSE YOURSELF.
Mom has every right to let her Stockholm Syndrome (or Battered Woman Syndrome) run her life. It is completely inappropriate for Mom to expect her issues to drive your life.
It is not your job to fix what someone else broke.
Double-up your boundaries, Fyreflye. Cuz Mom has none.
Mom’s toxic world is for Mom to figure out. You got out decades ago — and rightly so.
Tell Mom that the next time he falls, she calls 911 and he goes to the ER. From there, you can DISTANCE-help her negotiate admission and discharge to rehab.
Does Mom know that the magic words are “He has no one to care for him at home.” ??? Yes, Mom lives there. But that’s not the point. She cannot take care of him. She needs to override the discharge bullies who will try to send StepDad back home, simply because Mom has a pulse.
I recommend that you consult with the APS in your parents’ region. And county aging services. And the Medicaid office.
Knowledge is power. Dump all the knowledge on your mother. If she cannot process it, she might be having cognitive issues. Which opens a new can of worms.
If Mom understands the options intellectually but fires back with a string of excuses, then she does not want appropriate help. She wants you to “save” (a.k.a. enable) her, and only on her terms. No & no. That is not healthy for you.
No matter which way this swings, save yourself. Because you cannot save your parents.
You CAN do the legwork for what will keep them both safe and under proper medical supervision. It is possible that, armed with new knowledge, they will get over themselves and do the right thing.
And because they are legally competent, they are also free to reject any and all productive advice.
Good luck and big hugs. My heart breaks for you. How sad that your late-years memories of your Mom & StepDad are them trying to suck you back into their toxic world. You deserve better. CHOOSE YOURSELF. 💗💗💗
She knew. I told her.
I have considered the possibility of him being the same person he was then, as, you're right, people do not typically really change. I feel like I'm in a better position mentally and emotionally than my mom was. For one, he is basically bedridden/wheelchair bound; and, two, even though I've forgiven him, I would never leave my child with him -- ever, not even to leave the room. Considering my mom changed her mind, for now, though, I will not be bringing him into my home.
I hear you about having him live with me being a bad idea. I know I could walk away and remove myself, but someone has to step up. I can do this, I'm just nervous.
NONONONONONONONONO!!
I don't care how exhausted your mom is, she is again heaping abuse on you. She probably knew about your abuse when you were younger and did not stop it, and now is actively trying to abuse you but in a different way. All are taking advantage of a vulnerable person, you. You can walk away too. I had to go no contact with my mthr for a number of years to recover from my abuse. I can't be around my abuser. You should not consider this to be even a remote possibility.
If your parents have the resources, & if he comes back to his home, not yours, then make your mother pay for in home care. He isn’t even your bio-dad?
I didn’t know about your past molestation. Nope, leave him and call 911. Refuse to pick him up.
He violated you in your most innocent time. Don’t undo what you’ve worked so hard to overcome through therapy.
I hope this works out for you and that you reject taking him into your home and quite possibly submitting your child to the same things that happened to you.
Often leopards don’t change their spots.
DON'T go tomorrow. DO call APS.
What? You are going to become a caregiver to the man who sexually molested you?
It sounds like they are both suffering from mental health issues and dad from physical ones as well.
Hospital admission the fastest surest way to get a patient admitted to nursing care. If the patient is admitted to the hospital for three mednights, a couple of weeks of rehab can be scripted by the doctor. It gets the person into a bed and the Medicaid process can be started.
Don't be surprised if after you have your Dad at your house for a few weeks that you will be ready to place him into some type of continuing care facility as he really needs to have a HIGHER SKILLED caregiving.
Plus I worry about your child. The child should remember Grandpa as being a wonderful guy, fun to be around, then someone who might be frightening him because the child doesn't understand what is wrong with Grandpa.
You mentioned "proper procedures for the insurance".... do you mean Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. Medicaid can be quite a maze. Some need to hire an Elder Law Attorney to help them with the process. With your Mom being so exhausted she probably can't think straight. Where is your Mom going?
Here's an article I found here on Aging Care that will be helpful: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Living-with-Elderly-Parents-Do-You-Regret-the-Decision-133798.htm
Here's another one about quitting work: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/quit-job-to-care-for-parents-150227.htm
I'm just sort of in disbelief right now. I don't know how I'm going to take care of a 98-year-old man when I have a young child, I'm in the middle of a divorce and I work and go to school full time. He's going to need to be bathed and changed because he has issues with incontinence. I'm going to need to intimately care for a man who I love but who betrayed my innocence as a child many times for years, and I'm kind of tore up about it and in shock that my mom would ask me to do this instead of following the proper procedures for the insurance that would allow him into a nursing facility. I have gone through many years of therapy to work through all of the things they put me through and allowed to happen, but I just can't turn my back on him. If anyone has any suggestions, I would gladly welcome hearing them.
You can call Adult Protective Services and tell them the story. They will do a "wellness" check. They may suggest that your step-dad be placed in a facility.
If you have the money (since they don't), you could pay for a caregiver (a private person or through an agency) until they are approved for Medicaid. Some posters don't believe that adult children should ever pay for care for their folks, and I'm not suggesting this as a long term solution, only for a couple of months until Medicaid kicks in.
Your mother sounds like she's on her last leg (by suggesting something so drastic as you taking him to your house and keeping him there). Has she thought of going to ER with symptoms of exhaustion or back pain or emotional anguish from the caregiving. She should then speak to a social worker to help her with this dilemma. That way it will be documented that his care is too much for her.
2. Can I bring him to my home?
(Bad idea) Only with his consent. If he is of sound mind (no dementia) he has the right to come and go wherever and whenever he wants. If you held him against his will, it would be kidnapping. If you physically forced him to stay, it would be assault and battery.
NOT to mention the emotional uproar this would cause.
No, you should not even TRY to convince him to come, as he is mentally unstable (saying he'll break all the windows and/or kill himself.) He should not be living with your child. There would be no one home to care for him at your place anyway.
I'm sorry for your situation. Hopefully, some other arrangement will take place soon.
And, of course your stepfather is also at risk of harm because he is completely dependent on someone who simply cannot give him the level of care he needs.
This is becoming, if it isn't already, a dangerous living situation for two elders. So calling APS isn't accusing anyone of anything, it's a simple request for urgent help.
Won't they say "well, take him into your home then"? No. They won't. For one thing, you don't have his consent and you are quite right to have concerns about that; and for another no one can pick you as an option unless you make yourself one - you simply have no legal responsibility to provide care for your stepfather.
Since your Step-Dad would need to sign up and be approved by Medicaid to help pay for "continuing care" [do not call them nursing homes in front of Step-Dad"]. I would look around your parents location and maybe even where you live, those places that take Medicaid, what do these places look like. You may need to be placed on a waiting list.
Does your Step-Dad use a rolling walker? If not, buy him one, as that is such a wonderful item to use whenever someone has issues with falling. My own Dad had one, and that helped limit his falls, and he liked the idea that it had a seat.
Your Mom must be physically and emotionally exhausted. Many of us here had to wait until there was a serious illness or serious fall before we could get our parent into an around the clock care facility.
My mom was pretty clear about bringing him to my home and not letting him leave.
They have an extremely limited income and are trying to get on Medicaid. I'm worried about their mental health at this point, and my mom has been pushed beyond her limits and desperately needs to find long-term care for him.
Are you sure that your mother doesn't mean you should pretend you're taking him to your house, when in fact the real plan is you detour to a nursing home and drop him off there willy-nilly?
That's not AS bad an idea, but it still is a pretty bad one. First things first - what about bringing in professional helpers to deal with your father's personal care? You could organise that pretty much immediately, provided your parents can afford it.