I (19-year-old f) and my mom (46-year old) currently have my grandpa (mom’s dad) living in our apartment. For a background, we have a 2-bedroom apartment. Me, mom, little brother (6-years-old), and grandpa all live here. Grandpa has a bed in the living room. He has Parkinson’s disease and is at the age where he pees and poops himself every other day (refuses to wear diapers). He can barely walk by himself with a walker, he falls multiple times every other day, makes terrible decisions (sneaks out to walk to his truck and usually falls in the parking lot), etc. We had to take his keys because he actually snuck out and drove into a ditch. He tries to hitchhike down the road to his broken down house that is unlivable, but falls in the road instead. We have to provide full-time assistance to him every second of the day and it’s at the point where our lives are hell. No one in the family helps us, they just left him for us to manage. We can barely afford bills because of how much extra we have to spend on him. Our house constantly smells like diarrhea and urine because of him. My mom recently got a full-time job, working 9am-9pm almost every day. So it leaves everything up to me. I can’t properly care for him because of all the differences, I can’t pick him up when he falls, change him when he pees or poops himself; he just sits in it until a hospice nurse comes to bathe him once a week. He refuses to go to a nursing home, and my mom and I can’t afford to put him in one. My uncle has the POA over his finances and refuses to sign them over to a nursing home. We don’t know what to do anymore. Simply being in our own home is a burden. My mom and I are constantly stressed. What can we do?
You are the one who wrote us. Not your Mom.
And your MOM is the only one who can address this and take action. She is the grownup. She and her brother are now in charge of your grandfather. And they are USING YOU and ABUSING your brother will all this nonsense.
You have given us a whole lot of answers (and thank you for being so participatory) as to why nothing we suggest here will work. That's because you aren't in charge, no one is listening to you, and no one is taking action; THAT IS ON THEM. Not you. You are not in charge and cannot take action here.
I so agree with Beatty, that the healthy chain reaction will occur when you leave this troubled household. This is when your mother will let the POA, her brother, know that she will not continue doing free care 24/7 of granddad. At that point she can take him to ANY ER with ANY STORY and walk out the door, letting them know he cannot return to her home where is is no longer safe for him. That she is NOT the POA and is no longer involved in his care.
At that point the ER will contact the POA. While he may not listen to any of YOU he will have to listen to the Hospital Social Workers and they will have to seek placement.
YOU are the one I care about as you are the one who wrote.
I caution you to leave this household and get on with your life.
If your mother has problems and concerns she should write us and is more than welcome here.
I wish you the best.
and thank YOU for all of your advice and replies, im sure you along with many others can now see how we’re struggling because of the situation.
i have let mom know about what you and others have said, up until yesterday we had no idea we could take him to ems or call aps, though aps was a last option because we truly do care for grandpa emotionally. but as you know the meeting is tomorrow, and aps and ems suggestions are being taken way more considerable now!
thank you again for caring about my situation, your feedback has been greatly appreciated and looked into :) if for someee reason aps, ems, and the meeting go wrong, MY next option will be to leave
I would however take pause with trying to be the rescue person here. You lack the necessary legal ability to change things.
I would also say pause on laying any blame onto your Grandfather. An old man with Parkinson's Disease. PD is a neurological disease. It causes brain changes. Do not expect him to understand his situation fully. Or to manage his finances. Certainly harder ever does an older person (often with past memories of relatives being sent to BAD old dark madhouses) ever say YES move me to a nursing home!
So. Some rephrasing.
GF is not the bad guy.
Mom is not a victim.
You don't need to save her.
What do do instead..
Talk to your Mother. Explain how this effects your life. Maybe offer your support as she talks to her brother/your Uncle (POA). She must stand up for HER houshold & talk the real talk to the POA. Alternative care needs to be found for GF asap.
If Mom dismisses you, is angry, denies, or fearful of Uncle/POA etc take the next step for YOU. See a school councellor & ask for Social Worker for your family. Getting an impartial person to explain what options are available to your Mother may help set the next path.
I am sorry you have this situatuon at such a young age. Yet you are an adult & this is a great learning opportunity about life, standing up for yourself, for your brother too. About how females must be wary of having long held traditions take advantage of them.
I think the Mom needs to handle this, and our OP at 19 should likely get her own place if mother doesn't do so. Social Services is RIGHT THERE with Hospice. They need to help the mom and do their job and work on application to Medicaid and placement.
OP, do know that SS alone is not nearly enough for nursing home care which averages about 5,000 a month at BEST. So granddad will need Social Services to work with your Mom and get this done.
You should stay out of this, well back from this, and find a place of your own to live if you are out of school. You can't be responsible for this.
In order, as you asked, to make a second reply on a thread just ask the original person with the question. In this particular case that would be Beatty. Hang in there. You will get the gist of it.
Wishing you luck. You are young to be facing this but can do it. I went into the big bad city of Chicago at age 17. Of course that was when getting an efficiency with bathroom down the hall on Lake Shore Drive cost only 18.00 a week. Lordy, does time ever fly.
In original post to us taylor was telling us who lived with Grandpa and her mom and she wrote child 6(m). She meant six years old male. Lea thought she meant six months and asked for explanation. She cleared it up and apologized. It is all below in her responses.
To clear up the issue of whether a hospice patient can EVER go to the hospital.
Yes. They can. Under many circumstances, but I will just leave that to googling fingers rather than go into explanations. "Google 'can Hospice patient ever go to the hospital'" for the answers as to under what circumstances. A fall with a possible fracture would be one for instance.
I think Taylor has been a great OP, forthcoming and participatory. Just my humble opinion.
I wish her well and hope she'll continue to update us in future.
I am sorry she was threatened by Hospital, but this is typically done. AS to the threat of "We are calling APS on you" correct answer is "PLEASE DO because I cannot accept him into my home at this point when it is unsafe for my own, therefore his health"; then you WALK OUT THE DOOR. Hospital-speak is rote. It is the same across our country. Sadly. I could write a book as to "what they will say" and how you should answer.
Best of luck.
as for dropping him off, poa would simply come bring him back and leave him on moms porch. my mom is the ‘too caring’ one of the siblings, hence why shes the ‘care slave’. people take advantage of that if you cant tell 😔
also, she and i have gotten onto him strongly, but he usually storms out and says he cant do it. hes very bipolar about the situation, sometimes hes bestfriends with mom, agreeing itd be beneficial for him to be in assisted living, saying he’ll sign the finances over, and other times hes coming at her throat saying shes a terrible person for wanting him to be in assisted living and to figure it out herself. even though (news flash) she cant without poa lol!
it really is a disaster, but im thankful for all of you giving me understanding feedback. thank you so much for your advice
Just as your mother has to take ownership of her adult decisions, so too do you. Do not prioritize your pets as an excuse to delay getting on with your own life. Otherwise you’d be stuck doing childcare and possibly eldercare for “free,” undocumented, for years and years.
My red line would be that grandpa be out before I came back. If this means mom can’t care for the pets, you should be there only to facilitate rehoming situations for animals not likely to be allowed.
That is for your mother to do.
You need to move out and on with your own life as soon as schooling is over. Get a room in someone's home and a job, get an education. That is irregardless of whether grandfather is there or not.
Your mother sounds as though this task of caregiving is too overwhelming for her to do, and certainly it is not fair for a 6 year old to be raised in this chaos.
I am so sorry. There are, if grandfather doesn't have assets, ways to get him Medicaid placement in a nursing home.
I am thankful he is on Hospice.
As for the Hospice Social Worker to help you mother get in facility care for granddad.
Wishing you the best.
and most definitely the task of care giving for him is stressing her in ways i cant describe. but she and i are stuck right now on what to do
grandpa does have assets, he has plenty of money to put himself in a care facility but he simply refuses to. his medicaid would pay half, and he would have to pay the other half ($3800 in total), and he refuses. its extremely selfish of him as he sees all the stress hes giving us, but nothing will change his mind. :(
i of course am allowed to leave, i currently am out of state to stay with someone until the end of this month because i needed a break, but its just hard for me to stay away for long because i have my own pets to care for in our apartment.
thank you so much for all of those options, if i ever check out to the point i do leave i will look into those 😊
but trust me ive watched her try her best with this situation hand and foot for what seems like forever, shes supportive of how i feel and understands everything because she too is/was in my shoes.
also if there was any confusion, little brother is 6 years old and in school.he is easy for me to care for, it just gets stressful when its caring for a 6 year old AND grandpa.
i will admit though, since ive left (about a week ago) it does look like things have been better.
(uncle and mom have meeting with social worker from hospice tomorrow, and hospice team says they will call aps) and mom has said if those options dont work, she will take the advice of taking him to ems and saying she cant care for him anymore!