My in-laws live out of state. They are both declining, but want to remain in their own home. However, every time my husband and I arrange for in-home help for cleaning, medication management, etc. they fire them. We get their consent before hiring, but they keep firing them. We even offered to pay in case the costs are a concern for them.
More feasible is that you simply have to leave them in the "waiting for a crisis" folder. If MIL injures herself cleaning and she has to have her wrist in a cast for 6 weeks that might be enough to change their attitude. Let's hope the crisis is not more serious.
You can't force them to accept help, so you might as well give in graciously.
BTW, I take 16 pills each day. I HATE managing them. Really and truly I dread the days I have to sort them into the daily boxes. I put it off as long as I can. If someone arranged help to come in and manage my pills, I would be extremely grateful. I've had a cleaning person for long periods in my life. Having children and working outside the home was enough for me, thanks. I'd have one now but I'd rather spend the money on outings. So I will be a very easy sell when it is time to send in help.
The attitude of so many loved ones our members post about is hard for me to understand. Having help makes one MORE independent.
Its so hard. I know many seniors want to stay home as long as possible. And it sounds like you are trying to do the right thing by hiring help. Maybe there is a deeper issue. Maybe they are scared of what it means if they accept help. Do you think having a social worker talk to them would help? Maybe if a third party talk to them and explained their options they might be more willing to accept help. I know its tough and you are only concerned for their safety. My other suggestion would be to visit them in person and see if that might help calm their fears as well.
My mom had the type of mental decline that left her math skills, word choices and (most of) her memory intact, but eroded her ability to reason. With that came .....strong ideas about people (supposedly) looking in her windows and going through her trash. Inability to distinguish between a PBS fundraising drive and a documentary. Would only buy one brand of toothpaste because "the Chinese add poison to all the other brands."
And -- of course -- the world at large was conspiring to rip off Mom and/or get in her house and steal things.
Mom would have lucid moments (lucid enough to pretend she was rational) and concede that she needed professional help with her day-to-day. But the real Mom -- as years passed, the only Mom -- was furious at the suggestion that she could not manage. (Yard looked like h*ll; interior looked like a thrift store and Office Max exploded; did all "cooking" in the microwave; gutters handn't been cleaned for 10 years -- and how dare I notice this with my 2 good eyes and my functioning brain.)
Mom only allowed real help from me and another close relative. And minimal errands from 2 long-trusted neighbors. With this mentality, Mom cheated herself out of a lot. She also cheated me out of peace of mind.
For the in-laws, give the situation your best eye. Make calm, rational suggestions that fit their budget. (Leave your money out of this.) Regardless of what they accept or don't accept, prepare for a worsening future.
When one of them winds up in the hospital or ER, say this to intake, discharge, social worker and everyone in-between: "He/she has no help at home and it is an unsafe environment for him/her to return to."
Keep sifting this forum for advice and ideas. These are lousy, unsatisfying years, and many here have walked your path. We learn from each other. Take care and good luck.
Before my mom went into Assisted Living, she fired everybody. Before he died my father begged her not to fire the handy man--who was worth his weight in gold. She fired him. She fired a string of very nice and excellent cleaning ladies.
It was so embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a small town. I teach at the university five minutes from her house. It was awful.
The answer for us was assisted living.
I do agree with those who say you should let them fend for themselves. See how they manage or do not manage. In our case we asked the Area Agency on Aging to visit my mother and they recommended placement. It was excruciatingly hard to do. Traumatic for them and for me. But they told me she would adjust and she did.
She is in very good hands now. I visit her every day (and could never do what they are doing.)
I finally gave up. It was hard, but I let her go and stopped going in and propping her up by cleaning, cleaning out refrig, etc. It was excrutiating to watch and painful as mom kept saying "my house is dirty.. but thats my perogative". Then I stopped staying at the house for visits. Mom continued to deteriorate in other ways and I let protective services get involved until finally after 6 yrs, APS took action and removed mom from her home and we placed her in fantastic memory care where mom is thriving.
Lesson: Don't prop parents up when they make these bad decisions that circumvents their independence. It is awful to watch, but the only way. They have to hit bottom and then you state "either let help in or next stop will be that you move to residential care" -- it's your choice, Mom & Dad".
Is there anyone local to the parents who could go over to check on the help when they first start the job? Is there a pattern other than firing? Is it on pay day? My aunt fired her first caretaker but I didn't blame her. She wanted to be a sitter and we didn't hire nor need a sitter. IMHO it would be very difficult to manage their care w/o seeing with your own eyes what is going on. You say out of state but how far away is that? You might be able to hire a care manager to help oversee the help and let you know what is going on? Cameras might be a choice. I would want them to stay in their home as long as possible BUT you may have passed that point. I know this is hard. I would start with their testing and having an assessment on their ability to stay in their home.
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