I moved in with my dad 11 years ago when he got really sick, and my mother was unable to take care him. She died shortly afterwards, and I remained because even though he could still cook and get around the house, I didn't think he should be alone since he is legally blind and had been falling albeit infrequently.
Anyway at the end of 2017, he had a stroke. It made him unable to walk long distances, and he became dependent on a wheelchair and a walker. I considered a nursing home at this point because I am his only child, and I was already feeling the strain of caring for him. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, and I have an 11 year old to take care of. I am morbidly obese and diabetic. I lost 10 lbs. when he was in rehab because I was finally able to focus on myself, but gained it all back and then some when he came home. I was tempted to transition him over to the nursing home, but he acted out so badly when he was in rehab (called 911 on the nurses because he hated them, refused to wear his oxygen, etc.), I abandoned the nursing home idea. Instead I hired a caregiver to help him while I'm at work, and I tend to him when I get home.
Well, two weeks ago he went back to the hospital and hasn't been the same since. Since he's been home, his balance is even worse. Many times he's so weak, he can't sit up in his bed without assistance let alone go to the bathroom. He's having "accidents" at least twice day sometimes more because he can't make it to the bathroom. He has started waking me up in the middle of the night sometimes because of his accidents and sometimes because he's confused. For instance he may want breakfast at 1:30am and becomes angry when I tell him it isn't morning yet. I've also had to call 911 a few times because of his falls. He weighs more than 300 lbs. so there is no way I can lift him. I can't even move him enough to clean him when he has accidents. But he is lucid enough to know he does NOT want a nursing home. I had a lawyer come by to draw up a POA and a medical POA. My dad refused to sign the medical POA because he thinks I can use it to place him in a nursing home. He doesn't know after the lawyer left I found the old medical POA he had drawn up years ago before he got sick where he named me as his agent. However, that is not enough to place him in a facility where he can get help.
My dream is to place him in the assisted living facility a block from his house. I also own a home in the same neighborhood. I could hire a sitter to be with him and easily visit him when I get off work. We don't bring in enough funds to have a 24 hour caregiver but in the ALF I wouldn't need one because they have staff 24 hours to help him when a sitter isn't there. But he won't consider any of this. He expects me and my daughter to continue taking care of him no matter how much of a strain it is on us. He is so demanding and uncooperative whenever I or my daughter are around, but he behaves with his caregivers. He refuses to go to the hospital or keep many of his doctors' appointments anymore.
I think my only option is to move out of his home and let him figure out he can't live alone. But I don't want to be charged with neglect, abuse, abandonment, whatever.... What are my options here? Please help!
Your father isn't holding you prisoner. If you can't take care of him anymore then you have to take steps to make sure he's taken care of once you're gone. It may not happen overnight. His doctor's office can refer you to a social worker who will come to your home. Or you can wait until he takes a fall. When you can't get him up call 911 and once at the hospital tell the nurse that you need a social worker. Tell the social worker that you can't care for him anymore.
Start pricing and looking at assisted living facilities so that when the time comes you'll be ready. Have one picked out. Talk to the director. Also, plan on where you will go once you're no longer caring for your dad. In other words, get your ducks in a row.
I had excellent results with having a psychiatric evaluation done. Even by just introducing your father to “a social worker who needs to talk to you about the possibility of (whatever might appeal to him)”, documentation can be developed that can result in getting help for both you and him, and possibly with finding and managing a transition to appropriate placement.
You sound apprehensive about assuming the responsibility for placement. Considering his numerous needs, are there any particular specific reasons why you feel this way? When you say he is “lucid” about accepting residential care, do you believe he is capable of assessing his current options, empathizing with the inappropriate demands he is placing on you and a child 11 years old, and planning ahead to when and if his needs become even more debilitating? It doesn’t sound as though he is capable of even remotely lucid thinking.
If you are in any way neglectful, it’s toward yourself and your daughter, and as much as you care about your father, the people you’re neglecting are pretty important people too.
Think about that psychiatric eval. Even if he doesn’t need residential care NOW, how long will you be able to manage before he does?
The advise about refusing to bring him home because you can no longer care for him is really good advice. Be prepared to be guilted and insulted, made to feel like a monster because you won't take him home. It is sickening that these social workers do that, but they don't have to work as hard if they can guilt you into taking him.
I would also get him some adult diapers, pull ups, to wear so when he can't make it, it's just a diaper change. My dad was 300# and i bought the Sam's club brand and they worked great, i called them briefs and took all his other underwear away.
You can do this, you have a daughter that needs you and if you don't do something you could end up a statistic. You and your daughter are important and quite frankly, she matters most of all.
"But he is lucid enough to know he does NOT want a nursing home."
"He expects me and my daughter to continue taking care of him no matter how much of a strain it is on us."
The three statements above say it all to me.
You are greatly at risk to become a statistic. I think you know this.
So why is this old man's selfish and unreasonable stance more important than you? More important than your 11-year-old daughter?
You seem to be willing to sacrifice yourself for his unreasonable demands, but what about your daughter?
SHE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FATHER. This is very unfair to her.
Your father needs help in a facility (probably a nursing home). Then you can concentrate on your own health and on being a mother to your daughter.
Please, please put your daughter first!
I'd given up my job in the last 3 years, was prisoner to his illnesses, the plaque in his body gave him dementia like symptoms those last 3 years.
I'm bone tired exhausted. I didn't move him until Hospice 9 days ago.
I regret this for him and myself. Though he'd made me swear an oath he'd never "go in a home" he would have had better care, and I wouldn't have lived in constant fear of mistakenly hurting him.
He was also the call the cops, scream his lungs out type out the hospital. Humiliating.
But the damage I did too myself? Irreversible.
I'm 5'5" 130lb, he was 6'2" 190 until the last 7weeks when he suddenly wasted to 140. He was no easier to move. Not a bit. Dead weight.
My county offered Elders services that included a social worker, I palmed it off as more of his conceriege. They advised me, but I wanted to keep that oath. Try checking your counties Elderly Services. They'll come to your home.
Speaking as someone who just took your caretaker shoes off 27 hours ago, care for yourself and your daughter. You are going to live longer, he has lived!! Give yourself a chance for health & happiness too.
Best wishes.
“Humiliating”? Certainly not IN ANYWAY towards your reactions or relationship to him.
”Irreversible “? Not for me, but it took several years of rebuilding before I could lose the 80 pounds of stress weight I’d gained.
The “fear of mistakenly hurting him”? Chronic, and by the Grace of God, one of the things that ultimately provided the force that allowed me to decide that residential care was AT LEAST SAFE, as opposed to sleeping on the camp mattress on the floor next to her bed, knowing that NOTHING would stop her if she decided to get up.
And then there was the pressure sore on her heel that I “caused” by making her put the shoe on for physical therapy.
You CAN feel more like yourself again, and part of the caregiver’s discipline after the responsibilities of caregiving are completed is to be as good to yourself as you were to him. So starting ASAP, do that.
You say in the south family is everything, then why are you and your daughter the only ones dealing with him and what about the 2 of you? Are you nothing, does it not matter about some quality of life for your daughter? If this is family in the south, something is wrong.
Until you say we matter and quite frankly, he has had his life. It is beyond unfair for your daughter to give up her childhood, which is gone at this point, to watch an old man manipulate her mom and be the only one that gets considered, your situation will stay the same until one of you dies. The stress he keeps you under is more likely to kill you then having people disapprove of getting him professional care, which he really needs. Open up to these people and tell them you need to survive for your daughter, so they can step out of the judgment seat and into helping you or he will go to a facility. It really bothers me that others are pounding you but not helping, is it really family or appearances that are so everything in the south?