What should I do if other members of the family are harassing and threating my family?

Question

What should I do if other members of the family are harassing and threating my family?

Follow

Share

I care for my 98 year old grandfather-in-law, my husband and his mother (my grandfather in laws daughter) are power of attorney over grandpa. My mother in law is constantly harassing us, calling, texting mean and cruel things. When she is blocked she calls from private numbers and calls grandpas phone unrelentingly. She has threatened our careers and called our work places. She has come to visit twice in the 5 months he has lived with us, only creating trouble with each visit, noting she only lives 20 miles away. When she has come to visit she has charged grandpa gas money, and wrote checks to herself. She refuses to help with groceries, providing respite care for us, or doctors visit. She dictates daily what she wants done and has called the police before and contacted the state about welfare of grandpa. Grandpa's primary care doctor says he is cleaner and healthier that she has ever seen him. We bathe him, change his diapers and provide around the clock care for him, while still trying to manage our life. The harassment from my mother in law has included 100's of text messages, Facebook messages, calls from her number and blocked numbers. She makes threats and calls at all hours of the day and night. This behavior is now interfering with the care we are able to provide to him. When she gets upset she calls places that help us with care and demands that no information be shared with us. She put my grandfather-in-law up for Christmas adoption, noting that he has our family that he will be celebrating Christmas with. She is wanting strangers to come into our home through the holidays. She claims to be unable to help with any care for him. She is slathering our life with mean and nasty comments on a minutely basis some days. We have looked into options of emergency guardian ship and elderly abuse. We have also looked into restraining orders due to her threatening our careers. At this point we are lost in what steps we can and should take to eliminate her from our lives until she can get mental health help. If anyone has advise they can offer, please we are desperate at this time, this is hurting grandpa and our marriage.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

12 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

If Grandfather has his cognitive abilities intact, meaning he does not have dementia and would be able to comprehend what he would be signing, he can revoke the POA he assigned to his daughter and appoint his grandson. And I agree with the restraining order. I believe you can record any abusive calls she makes but check with the police first. Document everything she says or does. Block her number any way you can. I don’t understand putting him up for “Christmas adoption” and without a direct order from some agency like APS, no one can come into your home without a warrant without your permission. Be smart about this...and careful. Call Legal Aid if you can’t afford an attorney and get some legal advice.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I do not believe that he could comprehend and daily tell the same story to any lawyer due to his dementia. Both my husband and his mother are POA. We have all information saved, my husband it a police officer and I am an RN, when we have tried to limit her contact due to the conflict that arises she then makes calls to our place of employment and makes false accusations. The last time she did this she called the states saying we were abusing elders. We then had to self disclose to our management. The case ended up being closed stating that false claims had been made, but we still ended up loosing out of hours during the investigation. She is manipulative and mean. She does not work and spends day and night when she is upset finding ways to hurt us. Then the next day she wakes up and says lets just forget about all of that. For example, she blocked my contact with his meal on wheels authorization. So when they came to deliver I told her she would have to make the drive over at during delivery times due to my DE authorization, she stated then that we should just forget about that and that she would call back and give it back to me. Daily you never know what mood you can expect that day. With that being said we have tried to avoid legal action because of the actions she may take while under investigation, affecting grandpa and our careers. We are truly scared that she is going to get all of the resources so confused that they will start contacting state organizations leading to him potentially being taken away from our home, where he would decompensate. He does not want to go to a nursing home. We truly would like to get her mental health help rather than have to involve the law. At this point we do feel like we have no real option but to get legal matters involved.

(0)

Report

It would be nice to know who she set up this "adoption" with. I would try and have it stopped so someone in need got the gift. We used to do this where I worked. When the people signed up for Holiday baskets, the also signed a release saying it was OK for them and children's name to be given out.

You do not have to let these people into ur house. You can kindly tell them that ur GFIL does not need anything and to please give the gift to someone who could use it.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

The adoption was set up through a homeless veterans association. I was never connected with them because she put me under a "do not communicate" with. He is not a homeless veteran, he is a veteran. A well of veteran, and he has family here in our home. My family has taken him in as one of their own. My fathers family has arranged times to come see and talk to him every week. Our family has presents for him on Christmas and we do not go to family events without him. He does not need gifts, he needs his family, who is unwilling to participate in his care. I would be happy with anything, visits and help with his appointments. If his family would help. She wants strangers to come into my home and give him presents, but she will not, neither will her daughter (his granddaughter). My husband and I have three children, we work, we care for grandpa, we have changes hours of our shifts to be sure he has someone here. When asking my MIL or my husbands sister who has no kids, if they can help we are met with excuses.

(0)

Report

I doubt that a facility would put up with the nonsense the daughter pulling and the drama she is creating. A well run NH would serve as a dispassionate observer of the fact that this woman is disturbed and take the "family squabble" argument away.

They would involve APS and daughter's POA could be voided due to abuse.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

If you have documented everything, you can petition for a restraining order to keep her away from you and grandfather. That would be the first step. Then who has the Durable POA? If it is your husband, I would then consider going for guardianship. If your husband does not have the Durable POA, then this should be attained.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

My husband and my mother in law have POA. Which is what continues to keep us from blocking her, as well as she calls from other private numbers and makes new facebook profiles and downloads text apps that change the number.

(0)

Report

Can grandpa understand signing a new POA? This would involve a notary asking him if he understands what he is signing and is he freely signing it.

This would be one meeting and then your husband has sole DPOA and HCPOA.

Then you would send everyone involved with grandpa's care a copy and change all contact information to your husband.

At that point you can file an injuction of harassment and enforce it. This lady is crazy and you shouldn't feel guilty about doing whatever it takes to protect yourself and your family. Some people will not learn and they have to be stopped, she has already proven that she will destroy your lives if possible.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with psycho mil while caring for your gpail.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Unfortunately at this point due to his dementia, I feel like his status only declines because of the calls she makes to him. He is hard of hearing and his hand dexterity is compromised. Using the phone is hard for him. We have looked into different phones, and unfortunately the services that are offered here do not have phones that are more accommodating. I have written an agreement for his care and she refuses to sign.

(0)

Report

Most smartphones have a "do not disturb" option that sends all calls to voice mail or can send all callers other than numbers listed in your contacts list. When you play the message you can call back and add legitimate callers to your contacts. There's also an option to send "private" calls (calling number blocked) to voice mail. I turn off the ringer on the landline phone and check the voice mail there too. I suggest you use these options to reduce the phone harassment - just make sure you have all the numbers in your contacts from people who need to get through to you like managers, co-workers, doctors, care support organizations, etc.

Since GMIL calls so often and you want to keep the voice mails, you might want to download an app to transfer the saved voice mails to a online storage or a computer

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

His phone is the connection between his lifeline button. It does not have the capabilities of a smart phone. When we block her she calls the police for a welfare check. I keep voicemails and all texts but she calls or texts at least 100 times a day. She states she is his medical power of attorney but has a doctors note that says she can not take him to appointments.

(0)

Report

If you want my absolutely 100% honest opinion, I would put the wheels in motion to get him into a facility. If you can’t afford an attorney, go to Legal Aid and apply for one. You cannot continue to fight this woman and her demons. You need an impartial observer, like an attorney, to tell you how to handle her and how to legally and once and for all extricate yourself from this. Grandad will be alright in a facility. Keeping him at your home is costing YOU your peace and well-being. It won’t end until you take positive action to solve this.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

So this is your hubs mother?? Can he deal with her at all or is she bat shite crazy? I'd get a lawyer if I could afford one, and get a restraining order against her.. keep copies of all texts and phone calls, get records if you can from the other places she called.. and get rid of her however possible! But if she is his legal POA,, you indeed may need to go for guardianship.. as Dollyme says. I personally think she needs medical care!

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

This is my husbands mother yes. My husbands grandfather who lives in our home adopted my husband at 5 years of age due to decisions my mother in law was making as a mother. My husband has had little to no contact with her for 25 years. My mother in law had not seen her father for multiple years until she found out he had dementia and that she could control his finances. Neither one of us can deal with or anticipate her behaviors.

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

Do both you AND your husband acknowledge the fact that his mother is a very crazy damaged person? If so, your job is to focus on protecting Grandpa, your husband, and yourself.

You need to polish up on your ability to ignore crazy people. Ignoring requires shielding yourself from emotional reactions to all outbursts.
You say you have “looked into” some initiatives to manage your MIL’s inappropriate assaults. Now act on what you’ve learned.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

With her being Grandpa's power of attorney it becomes a very delicate situation. Not saying a situation that we are not looking into combating legally. I am an ER nurse and he is a police officer. With that being said, we do not want to create a fight that would potentially put Grandpa into a nursing home because he would be so unhappy and de-compensate so fast. We have tried to use her words into getting her the mental health help she needs but she has a mental health disorder that allows her to talk her out of the problems she creates. We are trying to avoid legal guardianship before I found this site. I daily wake up to over one hundred texts delegating what I have to do each day. She made her third visit in six months the other day and only came to take his financial statements and tried to leave without even seeing Grandpa. With that being said, we both work 50 + hours a week, we are trying so hard to give Grandpa his best life and raise our kids and keep a household. Everyday, even if we block her (and when we do, she says we are keeping her from her father, which she had not seen for 15 years before all this) she calls on blocked numbers, creates accounts on facebook and messages us. She has now taken away our morning care giver because she stated to them they were no longer to come and his in home nurse that reports his vital signs back to his primary care. I am just numb and lost about how anyone could do this to their father or family.

(0)

Report

I think that you are wrong about the fact that grandpa would not be better off in a NH.

They would keep him safe from this monster.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Barb, as long as she's a POA, how could a NH keep him safe? At least living in the OP's house, they can refuse and restrict her physical access to him.

What should I do if other members of the family are harassing and threating my family?

12 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions