I get my moms groceries for her since she rarely feels like leaving the house anymore. I bring her food sometimes for dinner but I don’t get home from work until 4 and that’s when she wants to eat dinner so it don’t usually work out. Sometimes she’ll save it for the next day but she’s very picky and don’t really like food that she considers leftovers.
There are certain things that she gets every week for instance she gets the instant oatmeal cups and she eats one every morning and just other things like that. She likes microwave food because she doesn’t like cooking. The past few times I’ve went she would make a list and it would be for example : 2 oatmeal cups. 3 cans cat food. ( she has three cats) 1 coke. You get the idea. No where near enough to last but a couple days. Then she will want me to go back in two days and get the same amounts.
Today when I went to get her groceries, I got seven oatmeal cups a box of cat food cans, a bag of cat food and enough drinks and food to last the whole week so I wouldn’t have to go back again. Well, she got so so mad at me. She said I got way too much and I was using all her money on groceries. ( It costs the same whether I go every two days or once a week. ) I don’t mind getting moms groceries , but I don’t want to go three days a week. What should I do to make us both happy?
My SIL shops for my MIL. Once a week when she is up there. Gets enough for 1 week. It's a real pain for SIL to do this--and it chews up a LOT of time.
A few weeks ago MIL decided to zero out her fridge so her cleaning lady could clean the fridge. (It was perfectly clean, BTW). SIL got into a huge argument that the cleaning lady could simply remove the few items in the fridge and clean and put the stuff back (like all of us do, right?).
NO. She ended up screaming at SIL to do what she wanted b/c this is HER house, it's HER life and she can have thing exactly the way she wants them.
So, of course, as per usual, SIL caves. Then on a day she's 'off', MIL decides that she wants to re-stock and insists SIL do it that day. SIL had plans. Another temper tantrum. SIL caves. (Are we seeing a pattern?)
It's not the time, really, it's the inconvenience, the manipulation, the screaming--for all I know she could also be throwing things at her. IDK.
You're not going to make her happy. Buy her the week's worth of groceries. Put them away and refuse to kowtow. If she needs something else, do a delivered order of groceries. (I'm one to talk, my MIL won't accept food that others have handled, so Instacart shopping is not OK)
I feel for my SIL, but she always caves. Always.
I shopped for my mom, but she was always respectful of my time and never demanded anything be done "IMMEDIATELY". I look back and realize now how grateful I am for that. She never got the 'rages'.
I can see why this is going on, you are codependent on her, for whatever reason.
Have you considered backing off, stop overdoing everything, you have taught her how to treat you.
Why in the world would you want her to stay overnight with you, don't you see enough of her already?
Something is amiss here, do you have a life at all except to serve your mother? What about spending time with your friends?
You are not her servant, you are her equal, why not move from the front row seat to the back of the bus for awhile?
I like Notgoodenough’s posting. Your mom is most likely a creature of habit. I love the suggestion that NGE made about discussing her options for groceries.
This approach is sensible because you won’t appear to be overly aggressive which she will naturally be offended by. She will feel as if she is choosing a solution if she is offered choices.
I also love Emma’s suggestion of buying an automatic cat food dispenser. Who knows if your mom will go for it, but it’s certainly worth a try!
I honestly think that having groceries delivered is the very best option!
So if she thinks an oatmeal cup and a coke will last her seven days, then good luck with the hunger and starvation.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years (mostly to elderly) and operate my own homecare business. I was also one to my senior brat mother.
This is exactly what you have on your hands. A senior brat. You deal with one of those the ame as you do with a child one. Totally ignore them when they're acting up, and if they go to far put them in their place.
Please, for your sake stop tolerating this asinine nonsense crap of going to the store several times a week.
Also, if she doesn't like leftovers tell her to eat it when it's fresh or go without.
A little tough love works wonders with a senior brat. When your mother finds that the one cup of oatmeal isn't cutting it for the week, she'll be far less fussy and disrespectful to you.
A big part of this had to do with where we lived when I was growing up. We were in one of NYC's boroughs, so a lot of our grocery shopping was within walking distance. It was generally the norm to do the "big" shopping order - bulk items like paper goods, heavy items like canned and boxed goods - every other week, while going up onto "the Avenue" every other day for meat, produce and dairy products. We had a dedicated butcher shop and green grocer a few blocks from our house, while my dad would go to the "dairy barn" mostly Sunday mornings to get milk and cheese.
I kind of kept the habit of grocery shopping 2-3 times a week once I moved to Orange County NY, where everything needs to be by car. It's just the habit I had gotten into in my youth, and I saw no reason to change it. I was never one to plan out a week's worth of dinners, so I would go at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times, especially when my kids were young.
Until Covid.
Then I started going only once per week. It took a llloooonnnngggg time to convince my mom that I was only going to go once a week, and if she ran out of something because she was going to be stubborn about only asking to get enough of her grocery choices to last her a few days, then so be it. She was going to have to do without that particular item until the next time I went shopping. She lived in my house, she wasn't going to starve, but I was NOT going to go out 2-3 times a week and increase our risk of being exposed to Covid because she didn't want to deviate from her old habits. When I mentioned the increased Covid risk, her answer was "oh, I don't care if I get Covid." to which I replied "That's all very well and good mom, but *I* don't want to get Covid. And what are you going to do if I DO get Covid? Who is going to take care of YOU?" That sort of gave her pause to think.
She got used to the once-weekly shopping trip. She wasn't happy about it, but she got used to it.
If I were you, I would just get her a week's worth of groceries, whether she likes it or not. If she fusses, let her fuss. Let her get mad. DO NOT accept her behavior if she gets physical! She needs you way more than you need her at this point, and you might want to remind her of that fact. "Mom, these are your options: I can either get your groceries once a week, or you can order them yourself online and have them delivered. I am NOT going to run back and forth to the grocery store for you multiple times a week, I have neither the time nor the desire to do so. What is your choice?" There is no reason for you to feel guilty about this.
Good luck.
I agree with you that the daughter has to discuss options with her mom.
But the kitties, poor creatures, will want to be fed daily. Perhaps the OP can purchase one of those automatic dispensers for that, assuming they will accept dry food. If they have been trained/spoiled by their fussy old owner to reject anything but the stinky wet canned stuff, then, wellll, I’d say there are SEVERAL creatures in that house who are going to have to learn to “put up or shut up!”
The "extra" things that you get can you keep in a tote box in your trunk or your garage then when you shop for mom you can "shop your stash" so you don't have to go back to the store yet you can take advantage of purchasing in bulk.
And I have to add...(thanks to the return of the "edit" ability)
If mom is by herself in the house everyday and does not get out she may want you to come more often just for the company. Can you get her involved in an Adult Day Program or a Senior Center so that she can meet people, get some activities and socialization that may improve the quality of her life.
Buy the groceries but what every your mom doesn't want return it and give her the money back. It's definitely draining doing this. Alternatively you pay for the delivery cost and get your mom to choose it online. Buy bulk if possible save doing more on selected items, store it away somewhere private and only get it out when you need it, might cut down the conversations about getting too much, but save you going shopping for a lot more.
I'm sorry to hear you're having this issue; it sounds unpleasant, challenging, and draining. We are the hands and feet for those we care for, but we're still people too, and occasionally need to take care of our own souls from time to time.
Next time you're out shopping go treat yourself too, go to the sauna, chill out, hang out with friends, then hopefully this will balance out the complaints from your mom :)
Take care.
I just wanted to comment on one point...you said, "we're still people too, and occasionally need to take care of our own souls from time to time." My thoughts are - "occasionally" and "from time to time" to take care of our own souls is not enough. Care givers deserve better and need to be mindful of taking care of their own soul and their needs always, as best they can.
Being treated poorly is not acceptable and to have to accommodate the OP's mother in this way is just ridiculous. She has property the size of a football field and she's knit-picking about daily grocery intake? I actually think the OP should politely and firmly take a stand on this because otherwise she's being controlled and submissive and that erodes one's soul. And you can't put a price on that.
How often do you go to her house? If it's often enough, do the shopping when you want and bring in her small quantities when you visit.
When she complains about things, don't engage in an argument or try to explain it to her. Logic is not going to win with her. So just give vague/neutral responses that don't incite her. Don't let her get under your skin. You're doing a service for her and don't need to take her verbal abuse.
What did you do when she threw the Splenda at you? I hope you told her that that is NOT ok and left immediately. No matter what else needs to be done. No matter what she says. You say "Mom, I can not let you throw things at me. I feel unsafe and I am leaving. Maybe tomorrow you'll be in a better mood." And you leave. Ignore her tirade and don't answer any phone calls for some period of time (like the rest of the day).
As time went on I saw what abilities seemed to be slipping;
- reason over amount spent
- planning meals more than a few days
- remembering what was already in the cupboards
Later on, TIAs were diagnosed.
The reality is your Mother is losing independance. You have stepped in to take the shopping task on - so you get to do these tasks they way it suits you ie ONE time saving weekly shop.
Mother can either do it all herself or accept your help your way.
Otherwise it's crazy-town of * I need help * don't do it that way! * I don't want your help* I want you to do it * Don't do that * You have to do it for me *
Stop, making her food, stop grocery shopping for her, let her order what she wants and have it delivered to her door.
Stand up for yourself, you will NEVER make her happy, regardless of what you do.
You are letting her control you, time to back off.
Sending support your way.
OP, here’s what I’m guessing:
You said you’re the full-time caregiver. In other words, she pays you to help her.
Since you need and want that money, you continue to help her, despite her rude, violent behavior.
Also, she’s in the middle of transferring her property to you? That’s why you’re putting up with all of this.
Another thing:
Your mom has hearing loss. Be careful. Often the next step is dementia (if it hasn’t happened already) (dementia starts off mild). The two are often related.
You could hang onto the grocery bags and pretend you shopped.
If you really have to, you can show her a breakdown of it being the same amount of money spent weekly. And also, it's usually less expensive to buy in bulk rather than single items. If that's not acceptable to her, then really she can go herself, right?
And how long does she think 3 cans of food lasts for 3 cats? Are they being underfed her way? You asked "what can you do to make you both happy." My thoughts are - she ALREADY should be happy (and grateful) that you've simplified her life by doing her grocery shopping. Now it's YOUR turn to find what works for you.
...and maybe your mother should be thanking you ~
No breakdown of the same amount of money being spent going three times a week as going once. In fact, the three times a week will cost more because you're paying tax on the items every time.
No brainstorming on finding a common ground on what can make the fussy mother happy.
It's the OP goes grocery shopping once a week. If her senior brat mother gets fussy about it she can go hungry or find someone else to do the shopping.
online ordering from Walmart. Buy a membership and they deliver for free, even the same day. Don’t buy a membership and order a certain manner and they deliver for free. It’s not necessary to go into a food store anymore. Also, their website holds your items in memory and you reorder from previous lists. Tell mom the food arrives between 10 and 12 or time that you choose. Done. Easy.
Your time is precious. Don’t give it all to other people.
I see from your profile you’re a full-time caregiver for your mom. Be careful. That often leads to enormous resentment, bad health and sadness at your time and young life slipping by. You weren’t born to just care for your mom. Don’t be another sacrificed girl.
This is just the latest issue with your mother. Why don't you tell her that if she doesn't like the way you do grocery shopping for her, that she can figure out another way to get her groceries?