When is it okay to surrender?
I always read, and respond to, comments from people who are laying guilt trips on others for needing to place a parent in a care home environment; Skilled Nursing, Memory Care or Assisted Living.
If you LOVED your mother, they'll say, you'd care for her at home, even if it's killing you to do so!
How's that for a guilt trip? Yet we read comments like that ALL THE TIME here!
What does love have to do with the need to place a loved one in a care home environment?
As a receptionist in a Memory Care community, I DARE you to tell ANY ONE of the sons, daughters, husbands, wives or other loved ones that they do not 'LOVE' their family member and 'put' them there in this place to rot away! I'd sure love to see the fight that would break out as a result of such an insensitive comment.
Not many people would have the chutzpah to make that comment in real life, to someone's face, yet find it perfectly acceptable to do so under the veil of anonymity here on the forum.
I call FOUL!
When is it okay to say you've had enough and that you're human and can't care for your loved one any longer? Do you have to be in the hospital yourself before it's acceptable to surrender?
I will say this: my parents have been in Assisted Living/Memory Care since 2014; Dad passed in 2015. My mother is almost 93 and still alive precisely BECAUSE she's in a care environment with a staff to look after her 24/7! Had she been in my home, or living in the 'heaven' everyone seems to think is her Own Home all this time, she would have died long ago.
Having a staff 24/7, round the clock, is safer and a lot more effective than trying to care for a loved one yourself day & night! And knowing when to call the doctor, or when to call 911, or when to get an xray and on and on. In a care environment, those things are a known quantity, as a rule, and done FOR the elder.
It's okay also to take care of your loved one in your home, or their home, if that is what you truly want to do, and if you're happy doing so, and if THEY are safe in that environment. But please, do not pass judgment on those who MUST place their loved one in care!
You actually may find YOURSELF in that boat one day and I promise you that you will not welcome comments telling you that if you 'loved' your mother, you wouldn't have 'put her in a home.'
Some decisions are out of our hands. Some decisions are made FOR us. And some decisions have to be made for the sheer necessity of it.
Be kind when leaving a comment here on the forum. Lots of people are hurting and genuinely in need of a sincere word of understanding and empathy rather than judgment.
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I completely agree with everything you have said. I know that when my mom was in the nursing home she started doing better, got better care since they had her eating properly and doing physical therapy.
I saw a big improvement until brother took her out because he was worried about her money.
My DH does not like ALs or NHs. He very rarely will enter one. I have told him I will keep him home as long as I can but cannot promise him anything. He weighs 80 lbs more than I do.
When Mom came to live with me, it was not going to be permanent. I hoped to sell her house. With those proceeds and money she had I was hoping to get her into an AL. Which I later did. No one should have to care for someone 24/7. Plus, for many is a history thing. No one should have to care for someone who has been abandoned or abused by the person they r asking to care for.
I at one time wondered why people didn't take a parent in. My eyes have been opened an I judge no more.
Now however all the siblings are in their 90’s and all want to stay in their own homes. Three of them are not safe or capable of living on their own.
It’s scary to think that one of them who is alone still drives at 95.
I can't help but wonder if some of the anti long term care philosophy comes from antiquated notions about places from long ago. Maybe, they can't let go or accept the reality of today. To each his own, I suppose, so, it doesn't bother me if they feel that way. All opinions are welcome.
Something that does bother me is when the idea of being loud and verbally abusive to a LO who is annoying due to their illness, is justified, because they (the home caregivers) are overwhelmed. Or the caregiver must leave the LO alone, when it is unsafe to do so.......yet, they refuse to consider alternate care. These things concern me greatly.
I saw a video on YouTube about when to place someone in a home. There was someone commenting their judgement towards others. They don't get it.
At least we know deep down what's right. That's what counts
My biggest problem was I placed guilt on myself. Guilt is absolutely a trap! We start to feel unworthy. We start to feel like our feelings don’t matter and we must sacrifice everything which is not true.
Honestly, I became numb to it all. I don’t think I fully realized how much of my life I had sacrificed until the after effects hit me when it was finally over, after she had moved into my brother’s home.
I guess it depends on the circumstances of the individual. My mom requires lots of care and it wore me out, physically and emotionally.
If I had been caring for someone like my near 98 year old cousin it would have been different. She is in good health, no walker, not even a cane, drives, upbeat and funny, overall a lovely woman. Hey, I could deal with that!
My cousin still lives independently. I do worry about her driving because she did get a speeding ticket! Hahaha
Even if others don’t agree, they can still respect choices that are made that are best for everyone, the elder and caregiver.
Constructive criticism is great! Constructive criticism is thought provoking and helpful but making someone feel guilty about placing someone in a facility is totally different.
An example of constructive criticism is when I was worn out but wouldn’t let go. It doesn’t hurt to encourage someone to let go. Sometimes people need a push to get over a hump!
My mom is presently in rehab and can’t walk due to falling in her home for the umpteenth time. She uses that guilt trip on us her adult children. So, the sibling who has control won’t put her in assisted living. It appears she will bypass any chance of having a mellow old age and go straight to nursing home. She is diabetic and has mild dementia.
you must have found a trustworthy facility and I commend you for that. My mother is in a memory care assisted living and was left unchanged (diaper) for 15.5 hours straight. Reasoning is her combativeness. We are at the top of the food chain paying for the care she is supposed to be getting and is not. I am under the impression if you work in a dimentia unit, you are well equipped with re-directing, diverting attention, distracting the resident and not utter neglect.
I am an only child, my dad died of dementia 3 weeks ago in a memory care home, and right now my mom is locked up in a mental health facility and the staff thinks she is showing signs of dementia too. They are recommending placement somewhere soon - or if she insists on staying in her home she needs someone there 24-hours a day. This has been a long and unpleasant journey and will go on indefinitely into the future.
My parents had me (and only me) when they were in their 20s, by the time they were in their early 40s I was independent. I would say they got the MUCH easier end of the bargain!
For your sake I hope you can get her into a care facility now! What does "soon" mean to these people? Do they think she is safe to discharge home alone?
I've read that staff will try to take the easy way out and push the work onto relatives but if you stand your ground they must make arrangements.
It helps to remember that caring for a LO at home, in their own home, or a long term care facility are all options with their own benefits and problems. Many caregivers need to decide if caring for their LO at home is "do-able" in terms of the time commitment, physical requirements, and - sometimes - the emotional toll on the caregiver. Caring for a LO in their own home is "do-able" by family and paid staff as long as the home is safe and accessible to caregivers and LO. Long term care facilities provide 24/7 care for their clients and try to provide "home-like" environments. Long term care facilities are the most expensive option but best for LO with overwhelming needs.
Whatever caregivers and families decide should always be guided by desire to provide best care in a loving environment.
My brother has many problems, not the least is his NOT using his walker, nor his sometime inability to guess WHERE the bathroom is actually located.
He is mostly sweet and agreeable with his care and he is never violent. Since the kidney doctor restricted fluids, he stays in bed until I turn on the TV in the morning ( I have a camera so I can check on him)
It would be good to be able to go shopping, be able to get out of town for the weekend sometimes ( My sister relieved me for a week off, but none of us are young and there is a 4 -5 hour trip each way for her to drive up). Our brother is confused after outings to the doctor, tests, treatments , and did not respond well when we attempted a trip just to a campground for a change of scenery).
I try not to to go anywhere that I cannot leave quickly to rush home for an emergency ( such as a bathroom accident or heaven forbid .. a fall) because I am the only one who is physically able to deal with those things.
That sounds like time to surrender and find him other help so that you can have your life back.
The trouble is, Mom was in a "Rehabilitation Center" after a medical problem earlier this yesr, and it was a nightmare. Another resident would come into her room and remove the family photos I put on her dresser. Mom told me that one of the staff pinched her. And there was a fiasco with her hearing aid (she can not hear without it) where it was lost; I had to go to the Director of Nursing a raise a fuss. After that, the hearing aid was kept in a medicine box and not in her ear. Lots of good that did her.
Mom did the "I want to go home and the "This is not my house" while the siblings were here and my brother wanted her in AL right away. The trouble is, I think mom is too far gone for AL. I hear of residents being expelled when the money is gone or they get too hard to care for. And I can not find a decent nursing home near here and still worry about what happens when mom's finances run dry.
Sorry to ramble about my woes. I do thank you for the post as some do not understand what family members who are primary caregivers go through.
Rumors are not true. I have spent a lot of time in the past 5 years doing all these things and consider the opinion of people actually involved in elder care much more reliable than "them."
No one has a right to sit in judgement of others not knowing all the circumstances, and no one can really know all the circumstances and history, as you pointed out.
Also, each city, each area, that has a variety of facilities...the ratings do not always tell the whole story. So while it may look like there are good places, they may be a sham and not be. And the good ones...the very good ones...may come at a steep price no one can afford...so someone who loves their person may opt to hang tight and caregive at home rather than consider a home.
I think anyone who arrives at this page is doing the best they can, or wanting to regardless of the decisions they make. No one should be put down for whatever those choices are. Better the energies be directed to fighting for living wages with higher standards of care being provided by caregivers, and for paid family leave and continuation of social security benefits if someone leaves the workforce to care for family member. In the end the care people receive especially in NH or AL is dependent on the attitude and consequently wages of the caregivers at the bottom of the ladder.
This is unrealistic for you must work in order to contribute to social security in the future.
SAFETY.
If for ANY reason you do not feel safe caring for your loved one..
and that can be a physical safety or emotional safety.
If for ANY reason you feel your loved one is not safe with you caring for them, and again that can be a physical safety or emotional safety.
The only possible 2 options are..
Placing your loved one in a facility where they will be cared for and you can then become the wife, husband, daughter, son, grandchild that you are and NOT a hands on caregiver. You are still a caregiver, an advocate but not a 24/7/365 hands on caregiver.
Having someone come in to the home and taking care of your loved one. BUT the house has to be set up so it is safe and works for the full range of care that will be needed. Since most homes are not set up that way and unfortunately builders are short sighted when it comes to aging into a home this often is not an option.
This also leaves the worst case where a decision has to be made due to a catastrophic event that occurs where either the caregiver or the care recipient is injured and no option is left.
Choosing to place your loved one is NOT a failure, it is NOT giving up it is making an educated informed, hopefully rational decision.
And in many cases the person that made you promise that you would NEVER put them in "a home" no longer exists. The well, rational person that made you promise that would most likely not have wanted you to give up your life, your family, your friends to care for them.