I am married to my wonderful husband who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 2007. He was doing great and was able to walk, exercise and be on his own while I was a work until January 2015 when he was no longer able to be alone and home health care was brought into the home. Since February of 2016 he has shown a dramatic decline and the doctor recommended Hospice be brought in, which we did.
His children from a previous marriage have never been a part of his life like most children are, but did call to check on him periodically and would respond when I sent them updates on their father.
In July of 2015 he had an episode that included a 911 call, cops and me calling his children thinking they could talk him out of his episode and bring him back to the real world. Since that time they have little contact with their father and are non-responsive to e-mails. When he was in the hospital in February of this year I did get a "thank you" for letting them know, but no follow-up to see how their father was doing.
Now that he is on Hospice everyone is telling me I have to tell them and let them know his condition. Part of me does not feel that they have earned the right to know since they show no concern about his well being. Not once have they asked if there was anything they could do to help me care for their father or shown any desire to spend time with him before it's too late and he doesn't even know who they are (I think we are at that point).
To my knowledge there has never been any drama or bad blood between them, they just seem like they don't have time for him, just don't care or are totally freaked out about his condition.
Any thoughts you might have would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Are these people old time friends, neighbors, or just acquaintances? That level would I think be one of the factors of providing any future information to them, and/or taking their advice.
This is your life, your husband, and his family. Those are the relevant factors, not what "everyone" else tells you. Although some people have offered me advice, I find it irritating when someone presumes to know enough about our situation to offer unsolicited advice.
Some have been helpful over the years so I try to be tactful and just offer general updates. Some are just meddlers, so I usually cut the conversation short unless they have specific experience that benefits us. And those who have absolutely no idea what caregiving involves either get a quick explanation or an "oops; I have another call coming in."
I think this really is a toss-up - they might not be offering to care b/c they don't have any idea what to do, they don't perceive that you need it if you've never specifically asked them, just don't want to get involved, or just can't handle it.
However, given that he's in hospice, there may be some family members who want to address their absence, and make a last visit. You might consider e-mailing them just once and wait for their response. If they don't show any interest, I think you've done all you can and exhibited basic courtesy.
Knowing people, though, sometimes they create a fuss and friction after the fact when they discover someone has passed and they weren't even notified that death was so close.
I was very close to my parents so it is very difficult for me to understand.
I vote with the other writer's above, send email or call the children and let them know that their Dad is on his final journey with Alzheimer's, and if possible for them to come to visit him, even though he might not know who they are. If they decline, it could be they want to remember their Dad pre-Alzhimer's. Always keep the door open for them to call, email or visit.
It will allow you to have no regrets and it will eliminate the possibility of any nasty comment from them that 'if they had only known . . .' Send an email to all of them and keep a copy just for your peace of mind.
Do and forget about it. Spend time with your husband and know that others are thinking of you.
Trying to say that we sometimes have to disassociate from painful situations in order to bear the pain. children who were left to deal with their parents divorce through no fault of their own sometimes have to distance themselves. I realize these children are grown but they are his children and regardless of their current relationship they are connected.
After you notify them, they may or may not respond. That's their right. They have probably had a lot of practice saying goodbye to their father. Full disclosure and transparency are less judgmental and leave you with less to regret.
I would notify them and should they visit, I would give them a few minutes alone with their dad.
I do feel for you in this very sad time. I hope that whatever you decide, you will find peace with it.
As for your father, sometimes people hold on waiting until they get to talk to everyone and he might benefit from having them come and see him so he knows they are ok and if they do not come you can let him if he asks, know you at least tried to contact them. (not sure how coherent your dad is).