Seriously...why is it so hard for honest and ethical caregivers to make hard decisions?
I'm in the process of:
- Deciding if I'm going to gain Guardianship/Conservatorship
- Moving her from her home into an AL facility
- Evicting my addict brother from her house
- Deciding if I want to continue as her Trustee
I feel paralyzed about it. Why? I have made and make so many hard choices in my life. I am a very strong person and in most instances know what needs to be done. I am intuitive and strongly rely on my ability to think through, process and make informed choices.
But this thing with my mom make me feels guilty, weak, uncertain, concerned and like I'm making the wrong decision. I constantly go back and forth...and yet nothing gets better...only worse.
She has once again overdrawn her checking account from gambling. Then she calls me to bail her out and lies through her teeth about the entire thing. She is an addict, irresponsible (it utterly baffles me), enables my brother, is childish, has real developmental disabilities, accuses me of stealing from her, controlling her, and that I've always been a know-it-all.
I have felt paralyzed for months about it all. Ignoring it. Ignoring her calls. Not visiting her. Only doing the bare minimum.
She has begun falling at home. Recently hit her head that gave her a huge goose egg and concussion and fractured her tailbone. She has nephropathy in feet legs from uncontrolled diabetes. Now her Neurologist says he doesn't feel she's suffering from Vascular Dementia, (she has cholesterol blockages in the main arteries of her brain), but that her issues are due to her lifelong developmental disabilities (profound Dyslexia, low IQ, Dyscalculia) and how the frontal cortex deals with these issues as one ages. She's an utter pain in the you know what and cannot be reasoned with! She may have a low IQ, but her ability to fight and defend herself is her strength.
I am a "Tell me the truth even if it hurts." So why is it so hard?
I feel like I need someone to say "Yep...that's right...now let's move onto the next thing." It's so ridiculous, because I can honestly say nothing has rendered me so useless until this thing with my mom. Ugh!
I wonder if I know the "why" and the psychology behind it, maybe the decision will be easier?
I constantly question myself. Why?
But, it will give you the ability to put her in a safe place. You will be able to handle her finances. Sell her house, which brother will have to move out of. But you can get the eviction process started.
But u have to do this one step at a time. First guardianship. Then getting her placed somewhere, then evict brother, then get house ready for sale, etc.
Plus once you are awarded conservatorship you are officially on the hook not only for your mom but there is also the expense and reporting to the courts that is necessary.
Plus your mom won’t become compliant just because you have the legal right to call the shots. I think you know that.
When a mentally disabled person gets older they don’t necessarily get easier to manage. As my family was told by a judge - it is not against the law to be mentally ill.
Add a little ageism, a fall here and there and a judge might rule differently.
Its a legal commitment you are freely choosing to make and you already know how difficult it will be to enforce.
On the otherhand, I would not bail mom out financially. Your enabling her doesn’t help her.
Sooner or later the falls will require hospitalization and rehab. You’ll have a chance then to see how she will do in a facility. This will force the issue with brother.
Being on the hook as guardian or conservator is manageable. I have already been Trustee for three years over her complicated estate. Her limited SS will go directly to AL, which will not cover it all. Reporting should be straightforward.
I don't bail her out. I just listen to her insult me about how I control her.
I do worry about putting her through the process of gaining Guardianship; should the judge decide not to grant me it. Our relationship is already so strained. And yes, it's not even against the law to make bad decisions.
I would just apply to become a Representative Payee if she didn't have other assets that she currently won't allow me to put into the Trust. However, these assets need to be dealt with (motorhome, 2 boats, truck, 2 cars). She hasn't paid insurance on them in months and allows relatives to use them recklessly.
Her Neurologist made it clear that he doesn't want her falling again...as in ever.
Tough choices for sure.
As long as you bail her out she has you as a solution and that makes it easier to do what she wants and know that you will step in and she has no consequences.
Does her doctor say that she is no longer competent? Because if not, then you will probably not get guardianship or conservatorship. The law makes it hard because of past abusers. So ensuring that you can get guardianship before you go through the expense would be beneficial for you.
You aren't sure that you want to continue as Trustee, this is a far easier position to fulfill than guardian or conservatorship, if you are truly overwhelmed and there is no solution to her behavior then maybe you can hire, from her trust money, a fudiciary to deal with her for a few months to see if it works better for you and you do better. She is going to do it her way, it is up to you to protect yourself. Look at it as someone else's parent that was left to you. Would you put up with this from anyone else? Would you hire professionals to do what was required? That might help you get past the difficulty of being moms keeper. (Against her will)
Her doctors will NOT discuss incompetence with me. She will NOT allow me to be on her HIPAA forms. They are covering themselves. I have sent a couple letters to her PCP, but he has done nothing to address my concerns...even though he is constantly on my mom's case about her health issues.
When I discussed potentially hiring a home health nurse to come in and assist her in front of her Neurologist, she came unglued. He didn't say a thing.
So yes, I am very concerned that a judge might not grant it to me. I don't want to put her through that process, should that potential exist. The only thing her Neurologist said is "I don't ever want you to fall again." Well, that's nice. I'm not sure how that can happen if things continue to stay the same.
I looked into a Trust Bank taking over, but they would actually give her more leeway with money. Also, they don't want to manage her house as an asset. I'm still considering it.
It's a big decision. I hate that being her Trustee has made her turn on me. I'm simply doing what was asked of me by my dad. I wish she wasn't an addict. I wish she was responsible.
Again, I wish the answers were more straightforward.
I'm grateful that it's taught me how to approach my latter years with my children. I won't put them through this. The decisions will be lined up and clear for them.
Fix what you can one thing at a time, and give over things that you cannot at present fix.
I wouldn't let them starve but I wouldn't be paying their bills. When the water gets turned off then the city will step in and evict them and they will have to find a place for them to go. Really, I see no end to this. You help, they distroy.
Imagine if that happening in the outside working world. Chances are we wouldn't been hired in the first place. So how do we expect to make important decisions without training? We usually have to wing it and hope for the best.... [sigh]
Community supports.
Maybe later you can visit her.
I took a lady from church to see an apartment because her share rental was kicking her out. She was interested, I stood behind her, shaking my head emphatically, yes, now. Without any power of my own, no guardianship, I was able to help this lady rent an apartment. The environment was almost an assisted living, and with the help of her alcoholic family, she lived there about two years.
Hindsight is 20/20, she would have been better off for the long term in a home geared to supoort the mentally ill. They are called Board & Care, Six Pack CCRE,
or Supported Housing.
Do the hard thing now, guardianship is expensive. Take her to view some living situations to gain her cooperation.
You've got the skill to do this. Bring a friend she likes with the power of persuasion.
You give up the opportunities to have helped her.
Why would one allow a SS recipient to spend freely an amount from SS designated to be used only for her benefit? Not to support son, not to gamble.
Suggest that money be used, designated for her real expenses, yes, by you obtaining control of those funds too via rep-payee. (Making an appearance with her at the SS office.).
Then you have the basics of the whole financial picture to work with.
I suggest you place the RV in a monthly RV park situation, moving the son in there
(needing his own independence and place). Mom pays, ....then....not.
Pay her bills from the SS, stating the trust money had to be invested for her future care. Give her a "gambling allowance"......until....then not.
The torn up kitchen REQUIRES a permit, and an order to not occupy until fixed....got it?
The RV, Boat, Cars, REQUIRE insurance. Especially if a loan exists.....the loan becomes due in full if no insurance.....got it?
The above are natural consequences of non payment of bills or insurance.
It is not you doing this, and not you punishing her.
Just some things to consider, imo.