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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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He has every right to be angry. You have every right to be angry as well. That does not give him the right to be angry AT you And you can not be angry AT him. This is a life changing, relationship changing diagnosis. You and he need to discuss what options you have. What steps you both will take. What he expects of you and you of him. My Husband refused to talk about it so I had to blindly trust that I knew him well enough to make the decisions that he would have wanted. I made many based on 1 thing. Safety. If it was safe for him to him to remain at home with me caring for him (with caregivers) then he would stay at home. If it was safe for me to care for him (with caregivers) then he would stay at home. If I were to hurt him caring for him I never would have forgiven myself. And if he hurt me...who would care for both of us? Safety is not just physical but mental/emotional. There are support groups that might be helpful for both of you. There are therapists that you could both talk to together and individually.
With any diagnosis there is a cycle DENIAL, I am sure you and your husband suspected for a while something was just "not right" ANGER, you are dealing with that now, this sometimes leads to aggression but not always. If this does happen you need to protect yourself. DEPRESSION, there are medications that can help (for you as well not just him, you are both going through this) ACCEPTANCE, probably the most difficult but the sooner you reach this life will be easier. (Not easy by any means but easy in the respect that you will understand the why's of things.)
A bit of advice from one that has traveled this road....... Do the things you have wanted to do now if you can. Travel will become more difficult so enjoy what you can now. Take joy in the little things. Laugh when you can and even when you can't. A good laugh can make a hard time easier. Cry when you can because a good cry, while it makes your nose run, your eyes puffy, gives you a headache, can relieve a lot of stress. Cure for runny nose, puffy eyes and a headache is a pint of good Ice Cream! NO bowl just a big spoon Tell friends and relatives as soon as you are comfortable. Trust me they probably already suspect. Accept help when it is offered, the offers will dwindle along with some friendships. Ask for help when you need it. People want to help they just don't know what to do.
And lastly. If you have not consulted with an Elder Care Attorney the time to do so is NOW it is early and if he can communicate and make decisions best to do so sooner rather than later.
That is a great resource to help you understand what to expect on this journey.
I would also talk to his doctor about getting some calming meds on board.
This anger can become physical, no matter how lovely he was in the past, he can become a physical danger to you. Please keep your eyes open for the signs, like him physically lashing out in any way, even just slapping things down is a sign. My little lady grandmother took out 6 nurses in 1 fight and I am talking about black eyes, busted lips and such. They can't help it, but please be aware for your safety. From my personal experience, anger is all to common and it can be a long phase of this damnable disease.
I am so sorry for your family. It is a life cut short with no end in site.
Please remember that you matter in this situation and you may have to make decisions that you don't want to. Hopefully you guys talked about what he wants to see happen when he gets to a certain stage. We have a lovely poster that is in your husband's shoes and he said that he wants his family to place him at least 100 miles away and get on with the life he can't share in.
My heart hurts for you, I wish I could give you a real hug, a great big warm hug! And call his doctor and the Alzheimer's association today.🤗🤗🤗
I'm just curious......did the nursing home your grandmother lived in when she took out six nurses throw her out?
My 73 year old husband with late-stage Alz (diagnosed with early onset at age 62 and I took care of him for 11 years until he came after me six months ago) is being thrown out of his facility for standing between staff and residents thinking he's protecting the residents. It's part of his nature to "protect". He always protected me. He hasn't actually hit anybody, but he shoves and grabs wrists and yells. Turns over chairs. He's very angry. He was sent to the ER two days ago for this bad behavior and diagnosed as severely dehydrated (that's a "no-no" in the world of facility care) and sent back. Anyway, I've got to get out now and find him a new place. It's so stressful, whether they're in a facility or not!
Oh my so young. Have you talked to his neurologist? There are meds to help with this. He is probably angry because he knows something is going on and can do nothing about it.
Ssometimes anger can also be that the disease (alzheimers) is spreading to different parts of the brain. Early onset..could mean that he's in the early stages. Anger is something I've noticed in almost EVERY STAGE of alzheimers (I work in an Assisted living facility). Forgetting stuff makes them angry because they know it, but can't remember it. I've noticed that things become very rough in a relationship when they start to get physical (they will once the disease progresses). I've been punched, slapped, kicked, bitten and etc. Medications can sometime help manage some of this and other symptoms as well.
I agree about exploring medication with his doctor to help with his mood and agitation. My LO was diagnosed with dementia at age 62. It's really heartbreaking.
All the care you provide is amazing, but, I'd explore getting respite time, so you can recharge your own batteries. Providing constant care for someone with dementia is extremely stressful and draining. I'd learn of ways to ask for help.
I'd also evaluate the safety of him in the home. People who have dementia can behave in ways that are not like their normal self. I'd explore removing all weapons from the home, as well as sharp objects, knives, scissors, etc.
I'd devise a safety plan, even if you think you won't need it.
Anger is a phase one goes through in dementia. I think especially in men as they have to give up the things that define them as men. During this phase, my hubby was insufferable! I hid his guns and took his truck keys. Now he's accepting of his condition, talks about death a lot, and trusts his MD. I've been going through this for about 13 years now. He seems to have hit a leveling out in his mental state for two years now, and at least is gentler than before. This has helped me with stress, though I don't look forward to the slide downhill. I've seen a number of people who have gone downhill mentally and emotionally. It's true, that when you get old you become just like yourself, only more so. Happy people get obnoxiously happier, grumpies get grumpier, chatty folks (my own Dad) get chattier (he would stop strangers on the street to tell his life story to). Thing to think about oneself ahead of time!
To me the question answered itself. He is losing his normal cognitive abilities. Not easy for you but all part of this wretched disease. I don't think your husband intends to be this way.
He probably senses he is losing his independence as well, and it is frustrating the heck out of him. He is changing and he knows it, cannot control it. It is no picnic. Sundowners is no fun either.. It happens, and my mom was on Aricept and Nemenda?. If Numenda is the name.. I don't know if it really "helped". I think it may have helped her mood swings a bit. It's been a long time, and my memory gets foggy. I think I believed it was to slow the disease. Why prolong the disease? ALZ is bad.. I learned not to argue, it's not worth it. She stopped talking when I corrected her. Play music that he likes. Tell his doctor and his ALZ TEAM about his mood swings and behavior. I would say, try to avoid his triggers, but ALZ is another monster, and anything at any moment can be a trigger to set off his anger. Unless you can offset it by something else.. Bad example, but it's the only thing I can think of.. when your dog is mis behaving, you say: SQUIRREL!! Huh? WHERE IS THE SQUIRREL, you dog is looking around trying to find it. now the dog is focused on something else..for the moment. diversion helps sometimes, not all the time.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You have every right to be angry as well.
That does not give him the right to be angry AT you
And you can not be angry AT him.
This is a life changing, relationship changing diagnosis.
You and he need to discuss what options you have. What steps you both will take. What he expects of you and you of him.
My Husband refused to talk about it so I had to blindly trust that I knew him well enough to make the decisions that he would have wanted.
I made many based on 1 thing. Safety.
If it was safe for him to him to remain at home with me caring for him (with caregivers) then he would stay at home.
If it was safe for me to care for him (with caregivers) then he would stay at home.
If I were to hurt him caring for him I never would have forgiven myself. And if he hurt me...who would care for both of us?
Safety is not just physical but mental/emotional.
There are support groups that might be helpful for both of you.
There are therapists that you could both talk to together and individually.
With any diagnosis there is a cycle
DENIAL, I am sure you and your husband suspected for a while something was just "not right"
ANGER, you are dealing with that now, this sometimes leads to aggression but not always. If this does happen you need to protect yourself.
DEPRESSION, there are medications that can help (for you as well not just him, you are both going through this)
ACCEPTANCE, probably the most difficult but the sooner you reach this life will be easier. (Not easy by any means but easy in the respect that you will understand the why's of things.)
A bit of advice from one that has traveled this road.......
Do the things you have wanted to do now if you can. Travel will become more difficult so enjoy what you can now.
Take joy in the little things.
Laugh when you can and even when you can't. A good laugh can make a hard time easier.
Cry when you can because a good cry, while it makes your nose run, your eyes puffy, gives you a headache, can relieve a lot of stress. Cure for runny nose, puffy eyes and a headache is a pint of good Ice Cream! NO bowl just a big spoon
Tell friends and relatives as soon as you are comfortable. Trust me they probably already suspect.
Accept help when it is offered, the offers will dwindle along with some friendships.
Ask for help when you need it. People want to help they just don't know what to do.
And lastly. If you have not consulted with an Elder Care Attorney the time to do so is NOW it is early and if he can communicate and make decisions best to do so sooner rather than later.
That is a great resource to help you understand what to expect on this journey.
I would also talk to his doctor about getting some calming meds on board.
This anger can become physical, no matter how lovely he was in the past, he can become a physical danger to you. Please keep your eyes open for the signs, like him physically lashing out in any way, even just slapping things down is a sign. My little lady grandmother took out 6 nurses in 1 fight and I am talking about black eyes, busted lips and such. They can't help it, but please be aware for your safety. From my personal experience, anger is all to common and it can be a long phase of this damnable disease.
I am so sorry for your family. It is a life cut short with no end in site.
Please remember that you matter in this situation and you may have to make decisions that you don't want to. Hopefully you guys talked about what he wants to see happen when he gets to a certain stage. We have a lovely poster that is in your husband's shoes and he said that he wants his family to place him at least 100 miles away and get on with the life he can't share in.
My heart hurts for you, I wish I could give you a real hug, a great big warm hug! And call his doctor and the Alzheimer's association today.🤗🤗🤗
My 73 year old husband with late-stage Alz (diagnosed with early onset at age 62 and I took care of him for 11 years until he came after me six months ago) is being thrown out of his facility for standing between staff and residents thinking he's protecting the residents. It's part of his nature to "protect". He always protected me. He hasn't actually hit anybody, but he shoves and grabs wrists and yells. Turns over chairs. He's very angry. He was sent to the ER two days ago for this bad behavior and diagnosed as severely dehydrated (that's a "no-no" in the world of facility care) and sent back. Anyway, I've got to get out now and find him a new place. It's so stressful, whether they're in a facility or not!
Have you talked to the prescribing doctor about his anger?
All the care you provide is amazing, but, I'd explore getting respite time, so you can recharge your own batteries. Providing constant care for someone with dementia is extremely stressful and draining. I'd learn of ways to ask for help.
I'd also evaluate the safety of him in the home. People who have dementia can behave in ways that are not like their normal self. I'd explore removing all weapons from the home, as well as sharp objects, knives, scissors, etc.
I'd devise a safety plan, even if you think you won't need it.
I've seen a number of people who have gone downhill mentally and emotionally. It's true, that when you get old you become just like yourself, only more so. Happy people get obnoxiously happier, grumpies get grumpier, chatty folks (my own Dad) get chattier (he would stop strangers on the street to tell his life story to). Thing to think about oneself ahead of time!
Sundowners is no fun either.. It happens, and my mom was on Aricept and Nemenda?. If Numenda is the name.. I don't know if it really "helped". I think it may have helped her mood swings a bit. It's been a long time, and my memory gets foggy.
I think I believed it was to slow the disease. Why prolong the disease? ALZ is bad..
I learned not to argue, it's not worth it. She stopped talking when I corrected her.
Play music that he likes.
Tell his doctor and his ALZ TEAM about his mood swings and behavior.
I would say, try to avoid his triggers, but ALZ is another monster, and anything at any moment can be a trigger to set off his anger. Unless you can offset it by something else..
Bad example, but it's the only thing I can think of.. when your dog is mis behaving, you say: SQUIRREL!! Huh? WHERE IS THE SQUIRREL, you dog is looking around trying to find it. now the dog is focused on something else..for the moment. diversion helps sometimes, not all the time.
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