He only went to nursing home recently, and I know he has to "adjust"... but my heart is breaking. He keeps asking nurses to bring him home. I live too far to visit frequently, and right now this is the best place for him and I cannot move him closer. I will visit him weekends, but I am so worried about him.
Because of where we live, there were (and still are, 18 yrs later) limited facilities and when we had to place my order with Alzheimer's, it was nearly an hour away and the route entailed driving up and down a very steep pass. On admittance day, we were there with him until 930 at night. But they told us, in order for him to "settle in" (that catch-phrase makes me sick!), we should not come back to see him for a minimum of two weeks. We protested that we could not do that and they suggested 10 days instead. Keep in mind that we had given them thorough, written information about his needs and behaviors. My mom couldn't stand it and we went back in a week. Although he was a prolific eater at home and had no trouble maintaining his 219 pounds, he needed guidance and assistance to eat. He got none. By the time we got there, just the week mind you, he had lost 14 pounds and the doctor ordered a meeting to talk about hospice because of "failure to thrive". They said he was refusing to eat, and they "can't force him" because "patients have rights" (2 other catch phrases I have learned to detest!)
We knew he had to be there, at that particular place, as the other places were more than an hour-1/2 away. Initially we agreed to hospice because we assumed (yuck!) that he wasn't going to settle in, that he would continue to refuse food, lose weight and passed away relatively soon. But my mom decided she would go down every other day, period. 80% of the time it was just her, about 15% it was just me and the remainder was the two of us together. Well, guess what? He was hungry, starving. We manually add him, he regained some of the weight he lost and perked up quite a bit. He did continue to lose weight as he ate less and less but he lived on for a year and a half.
Your profile says Columbia Maryland. isn't that a relatively large city? You may have had to locate him where he is "for now" but you will undoubtedly need to begin looking into a place closer to where you live, otherwise, as he progresses, you will find that you run yourself ragged trying to keep up with his care.
I wish so hard that I, and none of us, had to say such things. But we're all in it for patients best good, in this case your husband's and I know you'd rather hear an honest evaluation. Now, this was MY truth, and it isn't everyone's, but you can read it over and over again here. Nursing homes are essential and there's no way to eventually avoid them, but continuing to be the caregiver, albeit not hands on any longer, is just as essential.
it IS'NT to make you feel guilty
in ANY nursing home
when we had to place my FATHER
we manually FED him
______________
By the way, it was one of the CNA's, who took it upon himself to feed my dad on the days we weren't there, who spilled the beans about no one feeding my dad. Although when we placed my dad there, the staff proudly announce that they have weekly meetings and kept everybody up to date with the patient care. But that self-same CNA, when we told him what was wrong with my dad, he said he was really glad to know. WHAT?! How could you not know and properly take care of a patient. He told us the medical condition of the patient was confidential and the information was restricted to the nursing, administrative and social working staff. WHAT?! WE questioned it and were told, yes that's right. The family however can't divulge whatever they want. Needless to say, we made friends with the CNA's and kept them fully informed at all times, knowing they. . weren't being informed as employees of my dad's situation. Bizarre. Nobody gives you a list. You have to be there to observe, to see what goes on, to listen, to hear what goes on, to watch, to understand the mechanism of how that particular nursing home operates. Each one will be different.
Also, if you are his only family, take care of your own health. You can't help him if you are upset and not sleeping and eating well.
The visits will also serve as a reminder to the NH that people are watching. Be sure they report back to you on how he's doing.
You could also get a "companion" from an agency, which would cost more, but might be more professional.
To find someone, call a church or the local senior center or the local Area Agency on Aging. This could ease your mind, and could become a real pleasure for him. The wife always knows his best stories already!
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