My wife's mother lives about 10 minutes away from us. She is still in her own home, but she requires a lot of attention because she has moderate dementia. We see her almost every day - at least 5 days per week - and take care of her bills, her shopping, and usually go out to lunch with her.
My wife's sister lives an hour away from mom, but she rarely comes over - perhaps once every other month. She didn't even come over to Christmas. In fact, when she came for Thanksgiving dinner she brought Christmas presents for us and mom with her, which we felt was an extremely rude way of saying "I don't want to see you guys for Christmas" - and she didn't despite the fact that she was home all by herself.
She is a single divorced mom with an adult child who lives out-of-state. She has no boyfriends nor close female friends. We invited her out for her own birthday, but she would not come. We ended up driving with mom to see her and celebrate at her place. It is so difficult to get her to come visit or assist with her mom's care other than taking her mom to the doctor once per year even though we take her to the doctor often.
Anyway, she announced to the family that she is quitting her job and moving to another state 1,000 miles away. She says she is moving because it is less expensive there and she can afford to buy a home whereas she just rents here. I think that's a good goal, but it has made both my wife and their mother furious that she is abandoning them.
It's like she just said "Well, hope it all works out for you guys" just as her mom's care is getting more demanding. At first her mom wanted to go, too, but now my sister-in-law is saying that she can't take mom because her new house is too small for them both (she conveniently bought a very small house), but that mom can "visit" sometimes.
I guess I am mostly venting, but I am also trying to understand how I can help my wife and her mom cope with this abandonment. My wife feels betrayed and forced to be a caregiver. Her mom keeps saying "She doesn't care about me."
From my perspective, I guess my wife's sister has a right to live her own life, but the timing seems especially bad. It was pretty crummy to barely lift a finger while she was close by, but there is an air of finality to it now that she's leaving. We know she won't be any help to us or her mom at all. We were sort of hoping she could eventually help more as things devolved, but she is leaving right when things are getting worse.
They (my wife and her mom) are also worried because my sister-in-law is moving to a new town where she doesn't know anyone. She just picked a town she could afford, found a job there, bought a house, and moved in the span of 2 months and without really telling anyone anything other than she was applying for jobs out of state. Next was "I got a job and I am going to take it" followed by "I bought a house" and then "Maybe mom can come up sometime once I have settled in." Just like that from applying for a job to moving. The new job pays less than she was making here, by the way, so it was not some great financial opportunity and she had never even BEEN to the town she bought her house in.
Is that selfish? Is that excusable? Her mom probably doesn't have that many good years left where she will even be able to recognize us and she just packed up and left. My wife says it was a huge middle finger to her and the family has been destroyed.
How do I help my wife and her mother get through this? My sis-in-law obviously isn't moving back. She knows she hurt my wife, but she says she has to live her own life. In the process she is destroying ours, though. My wife and her mom both cry daily and then there are fits of rage, too. They say they feel like my sis-in-law has died. My own emotional well-being is suffering as a result. What, if anything, should I tell my sister-in-law? My wife is thinking she may need to put mom in a home since she now suddenly can't rely on her sister for anything.
You may get many replies advising how sister should stay & provide equal care.
For the sake of balance.. here is the other viewpoint (imho)...
Is it selfish to want to work to earn? Live where you can afford housing? Live within your means?
Is it selfish to take responsibility for your own life?
Is it NOT or LESS selfish to continue to live outside your means, to continue to rent, to offer your services as caregiver for free, to be tied by family servitude expectations at the very real risk to your own health, happiness & financial future?
Think about why she is leaving.
Think about why you want her to stay. Think about the expectations you have.
My advice is not to fall into the 'we are the victims here'.
Respect your SIL's choice as an independent free thinking adult. What's to be gained from telling her to stay? Just hurt on both sides. (The more you try to push, the more she will pull away).
It's OK to feel SAD she is leaving..
I say, if you need more help with MIL - arrange it.
I am truly sorry if I appear rude - not my intention.
I have prior experience of others wishing to tell me where to live, to cease paid work to provide free family labour, h3ll even not to move away as their pets may need future sitting! I was called *selfish* for putting my housing needs above everyone else's convenience. My councellor told me to move 4 hours away - minimum. For self-protection.
It's the very definition of irony.
The good news is that you live in CA, which only has a 2.5 year lookback period for Medicaid. Of course, Medicaid may or may not be a possibility in your MIL's case. Since she still owns her own home, that might sell for a pretty penny in the LA area, correct? And that could fund her living in a facility.
Your W never had a good relationship with her mother, and now she knows that she is increasingly going to become her mother's caregiving slave. What happens when MIL can no longer safely live alone? Can she still live safely alone?
Just as your W's sister moved away to live her own life, does NOT mean that your W cannot take HER own life back, too.
Does someone have POA/HCPOA? Your W?
Your MIL NEEDED residential care years ago, and now needs residential care EVEN MORE.
Your SIL is NOT “destroying” your life. She has done you the BIGGEST FAVOR anyone could have done.
She has shown you, in a very dramatic way, that your MIL NEEDS 24/7/365 care, and that your wife is losing her life by not taking active measures to provide that.
What should you tell your sister-in-law? You should tell her that you appreciate her courage and strength. SHE did not “hurt” your wife, she made a difficult decision and took GOOD CARE of HERSELF.
Your wife was needs to do what her sister did. I hope you and your wife can make a decision that will provide SAFE and HUMANE CARE for her mother, and thereby GIVE YOUR WIFE THE FREEDOM TO LIVE HER OWN LIFE.
Doesn’t she deserve it?
That sounds neither wise nor safe.
No one's life should be held hostage to a parent's unwise choices, especially a parent with dementia. It's time for a new plan.
Here is the outsider's understanding of what you have told us, to recap: your SIL has had little involvement in MIL's care, and no more to do with the family than duty demands. She makes decisions and plans to secure her future as a single woman without dependants. Your wife's and your MIL's reaction is to go into hysterical mourning and treat this as a personal rejection, an act of spiteful selfishness on your SIL's part that means she must be forever dead to them.
Your SIL may have had a whole lifetime of this b/s. My first guess is that she is making an escape bid.
You say in your post that you and wife were "sort of hoping she (SIL) would get more involved (with caregiving) as things devolved." Did you stop and think that maybe that's the real reason WHY your SIL moved so far away? To send the unmistakable message that she will NOT become the slave to caregiving that you all seem to think she should? You speak about how hurt your wife is over this - but has she hurt her sister as well? Has she been constantly haranguing her sister to give assistance to mom's caregiving, even though SIL has made it clear that she is not willing? If SIL were to come here and tell HER version of this story, might it go something like "My sister and mom forced me to move 1000 miles away because they wouldn't take no for an answer"?
Frankly, I commend her for taking the actions she did. And whether you will recognize it or not, she has done you a huge favor by removing any ambiguity over the situation - without a second "set of hands" it is going to be next to impossible for you and wife to manage MIL's care, in her home, by yourselves. Which I think you have already recognized but are having trouble communicating to your wife and getting her to accept it.
Your wife's thinking that her mom might need placement is spot on. The best way to help everyone in this situation - wife, MIL, SIL and yourself - is to help your wife and MIL make the placement.
She has the right to live her own life. You can make her make the same choices your wife did. Mom needs to be in assisted living so everyone can get their own lives back. It sounds like your lives revolve around mom . That doesn’t sound healthy to me.
Give the guy a break, he's in a frustrating situation, regardless of how he got there, or what he should do. Dumping on him doesn't help, and sure as heck isn't going to win him over to your point of view.
First, I don't believe it's judgmental to disagree with someone. Being judgmental, to me, is asking things like "how can you have such a stupid opinion?" or "you are just the worst person in the world to feel that way". I don't see anything of that sort here on this post.
Secondly, he's not just venting; he did ask questions that 1) call for an opinion: "Is that selfish?"; "Is that excusable?" and 2) ask for advice: "How do I help my wife and her mother get through this?".
If you're going to ask questions, you have to expect you might get answers you don't like. If you're not ready to hear the answers, don't ask the question.
Your wife/you are under no obligation to provide hands-on care for your MIL. Your SIL is under no obligation to have a relationship with her mother, even if this fact is painful -- we don't get to chose our families but we get to chose if and how we interact with them.
My husband says that "expectations are premeditated anger" because when we have an expectation of something -- and then it doesn't happen like we imagined -- it makes us angry. Your SIL is having some sort of financial issues (being a single parent) and her first priority is to her child, not to her mother. Maybe she is having a private crisis...she's not obligated to tell anyone -- especially people she thinks have "expectations" of her and are maybe somewhat judge-y (in her opinion). Her reasons for staying at a distance are legitimate -- for her.
There are solutions for alternate for your MIL. If your MIL has the funds, you can hire a Geriatric Care Manager to do the heavy lifting of tasks you don't wish to do. Hopefully your MIL has all her legal ducks in a row (your wife is DPoA, created an Advance Healthcare Directive, Last Will & Testament, etc.) If not this has to happen asap before her dementia/memory impairment advances. See a certified elder law attorney. Maybe also consult with a Medicaid Planner so that you 2 can have the full landscape of what options there can be for paying for MIL's care. I wish you much wisdom, clarity and peace in your hearts!
the OP said:
'She is a single divorced mom with an adult child who lives out-of-state'
The OP did not mention whether the SIL was moving closer to the adult out of state child, or not, so I don't think we can assume that this benefits her child more
There are ways to help lighten the load on 1 particular person. This could include food shopping, light cleaning, laundry, assisting with medical appointments if possible. Some people work full time and cannot take time off to assist with these sorts of things.
The heavier parts of caregiving, hands on stuff isn’t for everyone. People need to honor themselves and their loved ones and admit this. Setting clear boundaries on this years before a crisis is needed to protect the mental health of everyone involved.
It appears your SIL has been far removed from the situation for a long time. Maybe your MIL and wife were hoping she would step up more and hasn’t and now appears never will. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I feel that you and your wife should focus on next steps and what’s best for everyone in the situation.
Let me ask you a question, what do you and your wife want?
When I read this I thought, this too is my story--you almost can't believe it. But it's how you handle it.
Every family is the same...there are the one's who roll up their sleeves and other's abandon ship and make no qualms about it. This goes on in the workplace, Church, neighborhood--basically the "same" people do everything.
When people say "sometime" that usually never comes to fruition.
It's even worse if you babysit for free while women pursue careers and continue their education and then don't reciprocate when the elderly need help and are frail. You would just assume they would want to help and pitch in. But then again Life isn't even Steven.
You probably have a higher consciousness. And, yes, others will let you sacrifice, disrupt your daily life and not offer a helping hand, and they might even think you're a sucker for doing it.
What do you do? You can bring in every service you can lay your hands on. Make an appointment with an Elder Attorney, Social Worker and go on the portal for the Primary Care Doctor.
Make yourself familiar with medical insurance so that you are NOT "unnecessarily" spending out-of-pockets for items which may be covered--toothpaste, shower chair, railings on the toilet, etc.
Bring in physical therapy, speech therapy, CNA, VNA, cleaning lady, home blood draw.
You may not like this but it is what it is. Don't count on your sister-in-law. This is how she wants it. Now, you could give her the benefit of the doubt--housing everywhere is through the roof. Many people are uprooting stakes and relocating. They have no choice. They have to live where they can afford.
Your sister-in-law is probably trying to put the gas mask on herself first. She's probably afraid that if she doesn't do this she'll sink or swim. Perhaps at this point in time another person (your mother-in-law) is not on the radar.
You can't wait for people to respond the way you would have expected. Call on the troops, bring in Church people on a Sunday--if things improve perhaps a one morning a week daily respite program.
Has your sister-in-law ever thought what if she gets sick? Now the shoe is on the other foot.
Don't do overreach. I, too, used to give up my lunch hour, walk across town to hand deliver my sister her birthday gift. Baby sister always needed a lot of attention.
Draw a line in the sand. Just out of curiosity do you get a birthday celebration. Basically, she is gradually trying to break off ties to give herself the courage she needs to do what she thinks she needs to do in her life to stay afloat.
Let her go and live your life.
Back to you. It’s probably time to make some future plans for MIL. get all you ducks in a row for possible Medicaid etc. Make sure all documents are in place. All contact information for accounts, physicians , HIPPA papers signed . Find a care advisor in your area, get someone local… this person knows what care facilities are available..cost, amenities, requirements when she runs out of money.you don’t pay for this service, they are paid by the placement facility., Tell them your just shopping now, … but doing all the above helps you sort what is what.
Now, if your wife is upset because she/ MIL had planned on inheritance by keeping mom home… maybe the outlook needs some open mindedness. That’s what you and your wife should try doing, be open minded to change.
I bring this up because my in laws were set on keeping their parents home…. For inheritance… but at the cost of my freedom….
Unfortunately this happens...
But I still get shocked everytime I hear of another person being pressured like this. Shocked at the lack of empathy.
Like setting your family on fire to keep yourself warm.
I can't find the post CTTN55 refers to from 2019. Is your MIL a difficult person to deal with? Did SIL have a good relationship with her? Seems she really has done nothing to help up to now, what makes you think that she would do anything as MIL worsens. She is a single woman who needs to work.
I am one of 3 (other 2 boys) and it was all on me. Did I get mad, not worth the energy. You and wife have some decisions to make. MIL will not be able to be on her own much longer. I hope MIL has POAs in place. You will need them. If MIL can't live with u, then you are going to need to place her in an AL. As said, selling the house to pay for her care. You do not owe MIL your lives to care for her. Your wife has choices just like SIL. SIL made the choice she was not going to do any caring. Your wife has that option too.
Anyone that threatens suicide to get their own way is a pos and quite frankly, shut up and get er done, is my opinion. I was raised by a woman that used that threat and took halfazzed action when words weren't enough to get her way. It only stopped when she almost succeeded and she ended up in a psych ward. It's a hateful thing to do and deserves no consideration from those being manipulated.
Did she use this manipulation tactic while her daughters were growing up? Because this could explain a whole lot of the dynamics between the 3. One wants to keep mommy happy and contented so she doesn't abandon us by killing herself, so I'll be really good and obedient and she won't die and the other has decided that she isn't going to take responsibility for mommy's actions and mommy can off herself if she chooses, she needs to secure her own future and mommy can suffer the consequences of her behavior and choices. Just a thought. Because you have posted about how awful your MIL was to your wife her entire life and yet, she feels obligated, as a grown, married woman to let mommy run her life. She wouldn't be responsible if her mommy did kill herself, nobody can make someone take that selfish action, regardless of what they spew.
When your MIL starts crying about her daughter not caring about her, turn the tables and ask why she doesn't care about her daughter. Because she is a single woman, trying to secure her future and somehow it's all about mommy and sister. That is what is selfish.
Has your wife ever had any therapy to help her escape from the dysfunction she has with her mom? It would benefit her greatly to find a way out from under mommy's thumb.
As for your SIL. She deserves a standing ovation for being brave enough to find her own path in life, face the unknown all alone and not get sucked into the mommy vortex.
Edit: to add, you seem upset that you had to go to your SILs house to celebrate her birthday. Well, unless it's something I really want to do, I don't want to drive 2 hours on my birthday either. It truly seems like the expectations were, she should be the one putting in all the effort to see everyone and that gets old fast. Relationships are two way streets or they are dead ends. Going to her and having an attitude about it, she knows even if nothing is said, she has good detection for that because of who raised her. I can tell my families mood by how they say hello and I know that staying engaged to long will end badly if they are in a crap mood.
Your SIL isn't the real issue here, it's your selfish MIL and your wife's inability to tell her no. Please encourage your wife to seek help to get out of this cycle that will make her sick.
When we do, we are not in charge of that sibling, nor of the choices of that sibling.
And we certainly cannot CHANGE that sibling.
So the single thing you can say to Wife and her Mom is that they can torment themselves and chatter on about it, or they can accept it and move on with life. The sister won't be changed, and attempting to do that changing, or steeping one's self in anger does no good to anyone.
I would wish Sister well, understanding she isn't there to support me or Mom. I would treat her throughout life much as I would an acquaintance of whom I am not overly fond. Let her get on with her life and wish her well, and get on with your own.
Being hurt is part of life. Being helpless is part of life. Being unable to change others, and frustrated about their inability to "be like us" is part of life as well. It's important not to make the frustrations of those things the all of our lives.
The good news here is that you have the love and support of one another, and love your wife's Mom, and will do all you can to do what you think is best for her while you are able. It is more difficult to be alone in these situations.
I was alone in charge of my brother's care in the last year of his life. I sometimes wondered, difficult as it was, if it might not have been worse with an unwilling sibling to be frustrated over and disappointed with. It isn't always an awful thing to be alone.
I wish you the best. Try simply to stay off the subject of this person who really isn't concerns with your lives or your thoughts about it.
Your sister in law did what she felt was right for herself. If that was selfish, so be it. Do what YOU have to do to move on with your OWN lives and forget about what your SIL did to move on with her own life. Resentment is like acid; it will eat YOU up inside while SHE is living her life happy as a lark!
Get your MIL placed in Memory Care Assisted Living so you and your wife can live without the burden of caring for an elder with dementia. And w/o so much crying and resentment that your SIL chose to move away.
That's the right decision, really. Then everyone can go visit your MIL in her new apartment whenever they want to, and all the resentment and finger pointing can be put to rest, once and for all. Life's too short for all this, it really is.
My parents liked Assisted Living quite a bit. My mother thrived in AL after dad died; the ladies all rallied around her and helped the widow come into the fold. Once I had to move her into Memory Care, she thrived there too. She had way way WAY too many issues for me to manage myself at home; she required a team of caregivers working 24/7 to care for her, in reality. And they did a fine job of it, too. So I was able to be a daughter instead of a burned out caregiver to her, and she got great care from a team of loving caregivers AND lots of visits from me, her son in law and her grandkids. Win/win situation for everyone concerned.
It seems to me in a family with more than 1 child/sibling, there will always be that ONE child who's burdened down with the lion's share of all the caregiving duties. While the others move away or go on with their lives, the one with the big heart is the one who's feeling 'stuck' with all the duties. That is the job she's taken ON, however, out of the goodness of her heart. If she can't handle it, then she needs to wave the white flag and say ENOUGH! **Especially if the mother is also a manipulative woman with a tendency toward passive/aggressive histrionics & threats to kill herself if she doesn't get her way, like my mother was** Dementia is something most of us cannot handle alone, nor should we even attempt to. It honestly takes a village TO care for a demented elder, which is why Memory Cares are popping up like flowers on every street corner in the country. #Truth.
Wishing you the best of luck relying on yourselves to accomplish the caregiving needs your MIL requires, recognizing it may take Memory Care to achieve it.
First, let me talk about finances. MIL will not qualify for Medicaid because she has a substantial pension but she rents the house she lives in and has no assets to her name other than a few thousand dollars in her bank account. Her pension is enough to cover assisted living here in California, but barely and it depends on the facility. So far it has made more financial sense to hire caregivers to come to the house. It has also given MIL the dignity of living in her own space. However, this comes at a cost in terms of our time to arrange for the services, make sure bills are paid, etc. I do most of that and I am happy to do it. I think her daughter (my wife's sister) should be more involved in her own mother's care being a blood relative, but she's not and we can't make her. FWIW, she doesn't help with their dad either who lives in Florida. It might have been nice if maybe she could have done that by either moving to Florida (he owns his own home outright there) or convincing dad to move with her to her new state. Dad will be a looming problem eventually as well although he is doing fine at the moment.
Second, my wife isn't just hurt because her sister won't help with their mother but also because it seems she doesn't value the relationship with her. Their mother will be 80 next year so she will be dead soon enough, but when that happens then that will be the end of the family. So my wife is really mourning the end of the family and her sister's lack of desire to remain a part of it. This move was hasty and caught everyone by surprise. Yes, I do feel she is running away and sticking us with mom. What I have not mentioned is that when my SIL first got divorced and her son was 8 years old she was a stay-at-home mom. Her child support was puny because her husband did not make a lot of money but also because she didn't really demand what she was owed. She could not live on the money she was making so she and her son moved in with us for a few years where she didn't work and lived rent-free. In the past she also lived with mom rent-free when she had nowhere to go. I say this not because I feel like she owes us anything, but to address the question of whether we'd be willing to help her if she needed it and of course we would. However, I bet if my wife asked if she could live with her when I pass the answer would probably be "No" so I hope that gives you an idea of what type of person she is. She definitely takes more than she gives. Even so, my wife views her as the only family she will have in a decade or so and yet not only did she leave but as someone said she made it clear mom is our problem now. Even though her help was minimal it was SOMETHING and now it won't be anything at all. Thanks a lot.
I think the advice about putting mom in AL is good. That would have been a lot easier with someone (in addition to us) to visit her and help her get adjusted. Instead, this move has caused by MIL to go off the rails so to speak. It made what was already a bad situation a lot worse emotionally as my MIL has come to the realization that one of her daughters just doesn't care what happens to her. That's a lot of take in and now we have to move her out of her house and into a facility, too? That will be a very difficult time and my SIL won't be here to deal with it. How convenient. So, yes, we are angry at her. She took the first job she could find out of state and fled. It's not just WHAT she did, but HOW she did it by leaving us holding the bag. Can her mom go live closer to her (maybe even in AL) in the new state? What happens with dad when the time comes? There were a whole lot of conversations tied to her desire to move that should have been had that never were.
I have 4 siblings and some are more responsible and closer than others so I know how it goes, but what my wife's sister has done to us is pretty crappy.
It is NOT your adult children's responsibility to prop you up in your old age, that is on the parents to make plans for their own future. Then the family can be advocates and provide enrichment and remain sons, daughters, grandchildren, etc.
You told us yourself that your MIL has always been difficult and demanding with her children, why would you obligate them to continue to accept the abuse?
Have you consulted an eldercare attorney about MiL'S ability to qualify for Medicaid?
The advice here is given to you to say 'move on now' and who cares about your SIL and what she's up to now? Who will be there for HER when SHE needs help remains to be seen as well, b/c in reality, we normally get what we give in life. You were there for her once, but chances are good that you will NOT be there for her again if she comes calling with needs, remembering how she left you high and dry now. If there's such a thing as 'karma', that's it.
Your wife is entitled to mourn this loss, but not for too long; the sister isn't worth it. She has bigger fish to fry now in terms of what to do with mom. Mom can afford Assisted Living, so don't think of it as a 'facility' but as a senior living residence which she is fortunate enough to be able to afford. Lucky her; not all of us are in such a situation. My mother's AL was like an upscale hotel and her apartment was luxury all the way. The gardens outside were like something out of Better Homes & Gardens, tbh. The dining room had a beautiful menu and open seating so she could sit with different residents nightly/daily. The activity room had a wooden dance floor and live entertainment on the weekends with dancing; happy hour on Fridays, too. They had parties for holidays with buffet meals for the residents & their families, costume parties for Halloween, Christmas tree decorating contests, the list was endless. Trips on the mini bus several times a week, not just to grocery stores but to plays downtown and operas, etc. AL offers your MIL autonomy and other seniors to kvetch with; a reason to get all dolled up every day and to wear her good jewelry. Don't kid yourself and don't listen to people trying to convince you AL is some sort of hellhole or dungeon b/c that's just not true. Find a GOOD one where the residents are happy and looking healthy and well dressed. Speak to THEM about how they like living there. Set MIL up with a doctor who comes into the AL and she'll be thrilled to make her own appointments. And eat what she wants when she wants, and do her own thing 24/7. Instead of relying on 2 people for her entertainment, social life, conversations, meals and life in general. How boring is THAT, when you really stop to think about it? Life for a senior should be like a smorgasbord instead of toast & tea every day.
That's your best bet. Live YOUR best life and put SIL out of your mind. Allow MIL to live HER best life too, independently, and that's how you all thrive. Take a vacation with your wife once mom is safe & living in AL, just b/c you CAN.
Good luck.
Mom may be 80 but that doesnt mean she will be gone soon. There are many people on this forum who have parents that are over 90 and many over 100 and still going strong.
How long is sister supposed to put her life on hold for mom? Maybe mom is not the nicest of people. Maybe mom and sister did not have a good relationship.
If your wife cannot handle taking care of mom on her own them you should be encouraging her to place mom. Right now mom is dependent on your wife and you for everything. This means she is not capable of living alone.
I don't understand your wife crying daily over sister moving. Sounds like she is crying because she lost another caregiver for mom and not that sister moved. From your post it doesn't even sound like sister and sister were close or sister and mom were close.
How can you help wife? Start helping her see mom needs to be placed somewhere. And support her when she comes to said realization.
Maybe I read too fast but this person wasn't much of a family member or helpful contributor.
Man, you sound hysterical. For one thing, don’t say anything to your SIL. What is there to say that would make a difference? Forget her.
Back at the ranch, I recommend you cinch it up a little. Crying daily? Please duck out for some air, take a walk when they’re on a crying jag. Mess around in the garage. Bring home some ice cream or a pizza. This is not the end of the world. You guys have been alone for always and honorably doing for your MIL, by yourselves, non-stop for way too long. You have lost yourself.
Mister, you sound like a good guy, a supportive guy, but you’ve got to take a break from these women. Taking a break is not abandonment and I’m not saying a man can’t be emotional but for your own mental health you’ve got to go to a ballgame, fishing, whittle, meditate, run or knit (Rosie Grier did) but be by yourself for an hour. I’m going to get clobbered but you sound like a woman. Your being swallowed up. Is that selfish?... Really? Inexcusable?... Scr*w her. Forget her. Take a deep breath, do online research or get a recommendtion for Geriatric Care Management and drop the whole shebang in that professional's lap and into the laps of those that the manager recommends. OMG you need to hang out with guys more. I'm telling you these women have done surgery on you. No one’s going to die in the next 2 minutes.
Right now, I mean it, go to the park by yourself and watch a basketball game, or a kid flying a kite.
How do I help my wife and her mother get through this you ask. Tell the Geriatric Care Manager that he or she needs to give a phone number for a support group to your wife without saying that you asked her to do that. And don’t go with your wife. Take a break. Go later with your wife if you want to but…holy geewiz for heaven's sake you got me hysterical.
For your wife, all you have to do is ask her if there is something you can do, listen, hug her, say you understand, and then duck out for a Kombucha.
Your SIL didn’t destroy your lives. The way you manage your life, problems and happiness is your responsibility. Holy Mackerel take a hint and get on with it. Boy you all gave SIL a lot of power. You maybe misdirecting your rage from the real target but that's not good either. Just take care of business one step at a time and get your life, and marital life back.
SIL wasn't helping much if at all, and wasn't much of a family member either. Her being gone makes no difference.
OP, you all put TOO MUCH HOPE and power on SIL. Hoping she'll help, hoping she'll do this or that. She never did, and never will. SIL didn't do anything that would have surprised you. You're angry because of your hope being shattered. It's your hope that was mis-aligned with reality.
I agree it's crappy that SIL doesn't help. But what a surprise!
I also agree that you need to get a break from all your overly emotional women.
"Destroying" your lives?
Oh, please.
SIL made a choice as did you and your wife. Mom belongs in memory care, not in her home, and everyone could live their lives. Just because you and your wife chose to fall on your swords doesn't mean SIL is oblagated to.
Tell your wife to stop crying and grow up.