My wife's mother lives about 10 minutes away from us. She is still in her own home, but she requires a lot of attention because she has moderate dementia. We see her almost every day - at least 5 days per week - and take care of her bills, her shopping, and usually go out to lunch with her.
My wife's sister lives an hour away from mom, but she rarely comes over - perhaps once every other month. She didn't even come over to Christmas. In fact, when she came for Thanksgiving dinner she brought Christmas presents for us and mom with her, which we felt was an extremely rude way of saying "I don't want to see you guys for Christmas" - and she didn't despite the fact that she was home all by herself.
She is a single divorced mom with an adult child who lives out-of-state. She has no boyfriends nor close female friends. We invited her out for her own birthday, but she would not come. We ended up driving with mom to see her and celebrate at her place. It is so difficult to get her to come visit or assist with her mom's care other than taking her mom to the doctor once per year even though we take her to the doctor often.
Anyway, she announced to the family that she is quitting her job and moving to another state 1,000 miles away. She says she is moving because it is less expensive there and she can afford to buy a home whereas she just rents here. I think that's a good goal, but it has made both my wife and their mother furious that she is abandoning them.
It's like she just said "Well, hope it all works out for you guys" just as her mom's care is getting more demanding. At first her mom wanted to go, too, but now my sister-in-law is saying that she can't take mom because her new house is too small for them both (she conveniently bought a very small house), but that mom can "visit" sometimes.
I guess I am mostly venting, but I am also trying to understand how I can help my wife and her mom cope with this abandonment. My wife feels betrayed and forced to be a caregiver. Her mom keeps saying "She doesn't care about me."
From my perspective, I guess my wife's sister has a right to live her own life, but the timing seems especially bad. It was pretty crummy to barely lift a finger while she was close by, but there is an air of finality to it now that she's leaving. We know she won't be any help to us or her mom at all. We were sort of hoping she could eventually help more as things devolved, but she is leaving right when things are getting worse.
They (my wife and her mom) are also worried because my sister-in-law is moving to a new town where she doesn't know anyone. She just picked a town she could afford, found a job there, bought a house, and moved in the span of 2 months and without really telling anyone anything other than she was applying for jobs out of state. Next was "I got a job and I am going to take it" followed by "I bought a house" and then "Maybe mom can come up sometime once I have settled in." Just like that from applying for a job to moving. The new job pays less than she was making here, by the way, so it was not some great financial opportunity and she had never even BEEN to the town she bought her house in.
Is that selfish? Is that excusable? Her mom probably doesn't have that many good years left where she will even be able to recognize us and she just packed up and left. My wife says it was a huge middle finger to her and the family has been destroyed.
How do I help my wife and her mother get through this? My sis-in-law obviously isn't moving back. She knows she hurt my wife, but she says she has to live her own life. In the process she is destroying ours, though. My wife and her mom both cry daily and then there are fits of rage, too. They say they feel like my sis-in-law has died. My own emotional well-being is suffering as a result. What, if anything, should I tell my sister-in-law? My wife is thinking she may need to put mom in a home since she now suddenly can't rely on her sister for anything.
Your SIL moved away to a new job, to a new town and a new place that she owns. Congrats to her. I'm sure she thought quite a bit about doing this before she finally did it. Her future financial security is important to her, now that she is divorced. Not only that, the fact that she was renting probably reminded her of her financial insecurity day-after-day. She probably had some form of depression that moving to a new city will help. I know I did after I got divorced.
Your Mom and your wife however, are upset that she moved away. You didn't say how well off SIL was after all her monthly expenses (and if she did have a lot saved, does it really matter?) Alimony is no longer forever, plus the person who pays alimony sometimes doesn't pay. It doesn't sound like SIL wanted to help take care of Mom. It also sounds like SIL didn't really want to be around you guys for whatever reason. You could call her selfish or a whole host of names. On the other hand, she owes it to herself to get mentally healthy after the divorce.
Your Mom and sister fretting about her that she has moved away? Maybe that is why she did move. She wanted to be independent and without her life being scrutinized. I know that is why I moved away for college.
My opinion: quit fretting and start making plans for the future. If your MIL has moderate dementia, how is she taking care of herself? Does she have 24 x 7 care? Does she rely on family help at a "drop at a hat" and for everything? What plans have you made for the future when her dementia gets worse?
It is clear that your SIL wants to be minimally involved. As you make plans, do not include her in the plans. In addition, if you and your wife are feeling the burden of taking care of your MIL all by yourselves, then you guys need to figure out what you want to focus your efforts on, put priority on those tasks and start "farming out" the rest. You can attempt to include your SIL and adult child in your holiday gatherings and events, however, don't expect her to attend nor pressure her to attend.
Putting your MIL in MC might be the best thing for your MIL in the long run. As the dementia gets worse, she will need help toileting, she may start to wander or she will not be able to walk, she may need help being fed, she may start doing all sorts of behaviors that are not rational. I personally suspect that moving someone into MC early rather than later might be a good thing. That way, everyone can get used to a new routine of everyday living and visiting, before "muscle memory" is all that is left.
As for your role? I would be supportive of your wife, hear her complaints, however offer no advice unless she asks for it. For your MIL, I would deflect all her complaints and opinions to your wife. You can hear MIL complain, but do not offer opinions or advice, just empathize and deflect. Any advice that you have should go through and be stated by your wife, especially to her mother. If your MIL is like my Mom, male opinions override all others, even males she hardly knows. When your MIL presses for your opinion, start conditioning your MIL to accept what your wife says. Its going to be more and more important to your MIL's care to totally trust just one person and from a personal viewpoint, a lot easier on your wife in the future.
Good luck as you help your wife and MIL through this journey and help them move forward.
You’ve asked what to do. It might be good to be a bit stoic, and not join in the discussions. Alienating your SIL even more is not going to help, not in the short term and certainly not in the long term. Now you know SIL’s plans, a meeting between you, your wife and MIL would be a good idea. You need to make your own plans to deal with the future. Getting some nice AL brochures could be a good idea to get you all talking about different options. Try to cheer everyone up! Yours, Margaret
Your wife has to let it go. I understand where she is coming from but its what it is. SIL does not feel she owes your wife or her mother anything. And I bet if you look back SIL was more of a taker than a giver her whole life. To allow her to live in your home and not work! Her son was 8. She could have found a p/t job around his school schedule. She could have got a f/t job and paid for a latch key program before and after school. She should have been paying u room and board and saving money. I lived with my parents after a divorce and I worked. My girls lived with me after College and they worked. No one lives in my house over the age of 18 and doesn't work.
Now for Mom. If her care is getting too much, then find options. Same with Dad. Have him start now planning where he will go when he can no longer care for himself. This is something he needs to plan. He should not think his children are the solution.
MIL has Dementia, she may eventually forget there is another daughter.
Your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help. She’s selfish. Her decision means your wife will have to help with everything (even if the mother goes to a facility, caregiving/advocating/dealing with problems doesn’t end.)
The fact that your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help has nothing to do with moving.
Let me explain: there are hundreds of ways to help; it’s totally possible to help (even with emergencies) if you live in another country.
Helping by:
-giving your time
-sharing the psychological stress of emergencies/new problems
-finding trustworthy in-home aides
-finding a good facility
-etc.
You don’t need to live close to the mother to do any of that.
Some adult children live 5 minutes away, and don’t help at all.
In other words, it’s not the move to a new town that changes anything. It’s just that your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help.
In terms of prolonging the family line............ well, few of us will attain the longevity of any of the prophets or King Tut or do as much to make us historical icons like Lincoln or Ghandi, so it's best to live your life to the fullest and let the future take care of itself. Additionally in your case, your sister has a son. He made decide to marry at some point to pass on the genetic code if that is very important to you.
Deal with the immediate issues. Make sure your MIL and FIL have their VIPs ((very important papers) Wills, DPoA, Medical Proxies) up to date. Find an AL/MC for your MIL so that you and your wife can be sweethearts again with each other and caring SIL and daughter to her parents.
Wishing your peace and tranquility during this difficult time.
So what about mom? How can things change? Those are questions with serious decisions to be made.
If mom is still partly independent, I would consider having a caregiver come in once a day for 2-4 hours. Caregivers are not cheap. A private hire, can cost $15-$20/hour. Through an agency it is $25-$35/hour. If mom has any LTC insurance the agency is likely the only option because they won’t pay for private hire. if you choose private hire, care.com is a resource. While candidates are not required to submit to a criminal background check, most do. But I didn’t trust the reports care.com provided. So, I hired an agency to run a criminal record on a candidate that would care for my wife. It cost $117.00, but we’ll worth my peace of mind.
Caring for someone with any of the dementias is emotionally, physically, and financially exhausting. There are agency that help. Check with your local Alzheimer’s Association chapter to see what resources are available. You can find contacts through alz.org.
Lastly, I run a zoom caregivers support group every 1/3 Thursday’s of each month. I’d love for you to join us. If you search me on Facebook, I’m Terry Canipe. I’ll be the one standing with my bride, in front of a bay of water. You can private message me and I’ll respond.
If that doesn’t work, try to find the South Carolina chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association, call them up and tell them Sam Wiley knows me. Sam is the state director. He knows how to get in touch with me.
Support groups are a great resource of suggestions on what we all, as those caring for loved ones, go through.
I pray you’ll find answers!
terrysmellgood
PS. Add @msn.com to my screen name you can email me.
The worst damage happens when the people involved have shaky boundaries, and can be influenced by guilt and other emotions. You need to have clear, objective goals, and let go of judgement. Your SIL is living her life - She's not "destroying" your family; Her mother and sister are judging her and thereby destroying it themselves, don't buy into that nightmare: Who knows what the dynamics are, but I suspect that guilt/judgement/manipulation etc. have a lot to do with why SIL is now 1,000 miles away: Sometimes it's easier to firm up one's boundaries by attaining physical distance.
Let go of judgement; Take care of VIP's (Very Important Papers); Determine your goals and boundaries (e.g. We'll visit once a week; We'll call every day etc.) and communicate them to your MIL, be very clear and don't feel guilty. Of course the situation is fluid as she ages, so you can establish markers and set up services as needed. Do your best to leave emotions out of the picture.
Relatively few seniors live with family any longer, so figuring out how it's going to work can get very messy and complicated if careful plans haven't been made.
Good luck to you all, remember to breathe.
my sister chose to move away right when things started getting difficult with mom and dad. When they got to the point where they needed more and more attention, sister announced she was moving halfway across the country, she had actually already checked out of their lives when the pandemic hit- using that as a cover to stop interacting with them (which she has admitted).
all I can say is….
Some people choose to live for themselves, and there is not much any of us can do about it. But how they choose to live their lives is not going to stop me from stepping up and doing what I know is right.
Sorry you are going through this. That’s all I’ve got
I think you’re great!
Just be careful.
Don’t let it eat up too much of your time/mind/stress.
It’s the right thing to do: to help. But it’s also the right thing to do: to make sure you’re not sacrificed along the way.
Although I understand what you’re trying to say, it’s actually very much - not - her loss. She has - a lot - to gain by not being the one who helps in any way. Zero stress. Zero problems. Peaceful sleep. Lots of time to do whatever she wants every day.
So who gets the stress?
Her sister (OP’s wife).
Who will have sleepless nights?
Her sister.
Who will have less and less time?
Her sister.
NO MATTER WHAT.
By that I mean, for those who think it’ll all be easier if the LO is in a facility, it’s not. You’re still helping, advocating, dealing with problems…while your selfish sibling sleeps blissfully and peacefully, not lifting a finger to solve a single problem.
If your MIL has moderate dementia, She probably should not be left alone and obviously her condition will only worsen, so I suggest forgetting about the SIL and put your energy into figuring out how you're going to manage MIL's care. Not sure what your MIL's finances are like, but I had to sell my moms home so that she had money for care. So your options are 1) bring care into your MIL's house 2) sell her home and move her into a facility 3) move her into your home. The bottom line is she really should not be left alone. What if she gets up in the middle of the night and doesn't realize where she is and wonders outside? It is like having a small child. You wouldn't leave a child alone in a house for any period of time.
Save yourself some misery and forget about the SIL. If she contacts you for an update on mom, fine, give her one. If she doesn't ask about mom, don't bring it up. Being mad will only drain you.
Good Luck.
It is time to make decisions.
Your SIL has every right to live her life and do what she wants to do and move where she wants to. If she had moved away when she got married would your wife still be carrying on the way she is? Seems a bit unhealthy to me. And I think her reaction is having an effect on her mom as well. Mom sees your wife upset and she in turn gets upset. A bit of co-dependency going on.
Now for the decisions...
With dementia she is not going to remain at the cognitive level that she is. She will decline. She will need more help. She will not be safe alone in her home. (if she is now..the possibility of her wandering off, leaving the stove on, leaving the water running and a host of other possibilities.)
Placing her in Memory Care seems to be the best option. The other 2 options would be have her move in with you and your wife so you can care for her. Not an easy task. OR you move in with her so you can care for her. Again not easy.
Are either of your houses set up to care for someone using a walker? Wheelchair? Having to use equipment like a Sit to Stand? Hoyer Lift? Wide halls? No carpet? No stairs? Large bathroom that is barrier free?
Instead of speculating why she makes herself distant, you and your wife try having a sincere and truthful talk with her about it. In a safe space with no judgments. Then try really listening to what she says. I think you will be surpised by what you will hear.
Your wife and her mother need to stop with the daily crying and semantics and behaving like your SIL is dead. That is called villifying and no good can come of it. My guess is that your indifferent SIL has been villified by her mother for a very long time. Probably since she was a little kid. I can say this because my mother cast me in the role of family scapegoat and villian when I was a little kid. No matter what I did or didn't do, I'm the villian then and now.
You most definitely should tell your SIL about the daily crying and fits of rage that she is the topic of. Then let her talk.
Now, your wife DOES NOT have to single-handedly be responsible for her mother's every need and want.
There is help out there. Like in-home caregivers. Senior living communities, nursing homes, memory care facilities, assisted living facilities.
If you love and care for your wife and I think you do, you will not allow caregiving for her mother to destroy her. And it will.
It will not be your SIL's fault if your wife has a nervous breakdown or a psychotic break because she cannot cope with the care needs of her mother anymore. If there is daily crying and fits of rage from your wife then she's not coping. Your MIL needs to be placed in care. Forget the guilt and possible martyrdom and feelings of duty and obligation. Maybe your MIL made your wife promise to never "put her in a home" which is the most selfish and terrible vow anyone can ask of someone they love. Break that promise. Your wife's well being has to come first.
Take it from me. I had a nervous breakdown because of caregiving. The daily crying and fits of rage is what comes right before the break. God help me if it wasn't for therapy and my ex-husband.
Please start lookinginto options for your MIL and talk to your SIL sincerely. Good luck.
As always!! Love your responses and sharing about your experiences!!! It helps me tremendously!!
Not happening. I will NEVER take up another caregiving position be it as employment or for family.
I will advocate. I will offer whatever level of help I'm comfortable with, but that's all.
In fact, my ex and I are going to lawyer to have legal documents drawn up proclaiming that there will be no relatives (on either side) in need of caregiving moving into our home, nor will we relocate ourselves to provide caregiving services. This way we're covered in writing.
Assuming your sister-in-law chooses not to be involved in her mother's care, re-assess what you and your wife are willing to do and evaluate your mother's resources for home care or faciliry placement as it may be needed.
How can you say it's extremely selfish to move away from an elderly parent? You don't know what someone's relationship was like with their now elderly and needy parent.
There could be a long history of dysfunction and abuse.
The remaining family who wants to have a go at caregiving, should by all means do so. That is their choice. They do not have to.
It is also the choice of the sibling who does not stick around to become a caregiver to an elderly parent.
However, if there is any possible inheritance at stake, the sibling who took on the caregiving should get it all if they keep mom or dad out of a facility. We earn it. Or at the very least they should get the lion's share of it.
I had some resentment towards my sibling who did nothing for years. She knows now that either it's step up and take over the responsibility of our mother or the state will because I'm all done.
Your MIL is not ENTITLED to help from her daughter or your wife. It's your sister-in-law's choice as it is your wife's.
There are better solutions. You can get in home care for your mother. We have a program here called IRIS that helps fund for in home care. She can have whoever she wants for her caregivers including family. They not only pay for care, but will pay for many other things she may need that are not covered by insurance. Most states have programs like this. They are wonderful. Your mother in law does not need to loose everything she has.
Why wouldn’t your wife instead of crying discuss this with her and come up with some solutions re Mom‘s care?
She's not abandoning anyone. She's living her life pretty much the same as she did prior to the job offer. Some of the issues for you/wife/mom may be that you 'wished' for her to become more involved, it didn't happen, and with a move that far away it clearly is not going to happen. Some are caregivers and some are not.