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This OP needs to quit whining and grow up along with his crying wife. I can understnd exactly why SIL moved away. This crew is too needy and emotional. Three drama queens!
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Cover999 Jul 2022
Lol 😂
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I'm sorry, I'm feeling no empathy here, except maybe for you since you are caught in the middle.

Your SIL moved away to a new job, to a new town and a new place that she owns. Congrats to her. I'm sure she thought quite a bit about doing this before she finally did it. Her future financial security is important to her, now that she is divorced. Not only that, the fact that she was renting probably reminded her of her financial insecurity day-after-day. She probably had some form of depression that moving to a new city will help. I know I did after I got divorced.

Your Mom and your wife however, are upset that she moved away. You didn't say how well off SIL was after all her monthly expenses (and if she did have a lot saved, does it really matter?) Alimony is no longer forever, plus the person who pays alimony sometimes doesn't pay. It doesn't sound like SIL wanted to help take care of Mom. It also sounds like SIL didn't really want to be around you guys for whatever reason. You could call her selfish or a whole host of names. On the other hand, she owes it to herself to get mentally healthy after the divorce.

Your Mom and sister fretting about her that she has moved away? Maybe that is why she did move. She wanted to be independent and without her life being scrutinized. I know that is why I moved away for college.

My opinion: quit fretting and start making plans for the future. If your MIL has moderate dementia, how is she taking care of herself? Does she have 24 x 7 care? Does she rely on family help at a "drop at a hat" and for everything? What plans have you made for the future when her dementia gets worse?

It is clear that your SIL wants to be minimally involved. As you make plans, do not include her in the plans. In addition, if you and your wife are feeling the burden of taking care of your MIL all by yourselves, then you guys need to figure out what you want to focus your efforts on, put priority on those tasks and start "farming out" the rest. You can attempt to include your SIL and adult child in your holiday gatherings and events, however, don't expect her to attend nor pressure her to attend.

Putting your MIL in MC might be the best thing for your MIL in the long run. As the dementia gets worse, she will need help toileting, she may start to wander or she will not be able to walk, she may need help being fed, she may start doing all sorts of behaviors that are not rational. I personally suspect that moving someone into MC early rather than later might be a good thing. That way, everyone can get used to a new routine of everyday living and visiting, before "muscle memory" is all that is left.

As for your role? I would be supportive of your wife, hear her complaints, however offer no advice unless she asks for it. For your MIL, I would deflect all her complaints and opinions to your wife. You can hear MIL complain, but do not offer opinions or advice, just empathize and deflect. Any advice that you have should go through and be stated by your wife, especially to her mother. If your MIL is like my Mom, male opinions override all others, even males she hardly knows. When your MIL presses for your opinion, start conditioning your MIL to accept what your wife says. Its going to be more and more important to your MIL's care to totally trust just one person and from a personal viewpoint, a lot easier on your wife in the future.

Good luck as you help your wife and MIL through this journey and help them move forward.
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Since you probably don’t feel very supported by comments so far, I’ll try something different. It’s always difficult when your expectations are disappointed. Even more when you think someone will, or should, do what you have been counting on. It’s worse if the other people you care about feel the same way. ‘Mourning’ and ‘anger’ can get overwhelming, and a bit out of control. The feelings from your wife and her mother are affecting you too, and you “own emotional well-being is suffering”. So that’s them feeling dreadful with you.

You’ve asked what to do. It might be good to be a bit stoic, and not join in the discussions. Alienating your SIL even more is not going to help, not in the short term and certainly not in the long term. Now you know SIL’s plans, a meeting between you, your wife and MIL would be a good idea. You need to make your own plans to deal with the future. Getting some nice AL brochures could be a good idea to get you all talking about different options. Try to cheer everyone up! Yours, Margaret
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I've been angry at my siblings for not helping more with my mom, especially when it wasn't that I was asking so that I could go on a trip or something but to help with her while I was at work. I also helped with their kids a great deal when they were little as did my mom. One stepped up some but the other two didn't really change what they were willing to do. It does make you mad and resentful but ultimately there isn't anything you can do about it.
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cignal Jul 2022
yes, i feel bad that there have been so many 'suck it up' comments, even questioning this guy's manhood--it's true that 'get over it' is all you can do but at the same time OP deserves some compassion after reaching out about this painful situation. i too have resentment toward a sibling who does nothing unless specifically asked to and seems to avoid the caretaking situation as much as possible, but to let it 'destroy the family' and spinning out crying and raging every day is a waste of time, you are only making yourself miserable. therapy and meds are needed all around here, and action on moving mom. but also compassion for the pain everyone in this situation is feeling.
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The problem here is expectations. Your wife will be a happier person if she learns not to expect people to think and act like she does. It seems to me her sister has been backing off for a while. I will bet this was not a last minute decision. She saw Mom was getting worse and that she may be asked to help. Hard to help when ur hundreds of miles away.

Your wife has to let it go. I understand where she is coming from but its what it is. SIL does not feel she owes your wife or her mother anything. And I bet if you look back SIL was more of a taker than a giver her whole life. To allow her to live in your home and not work! Her son was 8. She could have found a p/t job around his school schedule. She could have got a f/t job and paid for a latch key program before and after school. She should have been paying u room and board and saving money. I lived with my parents after a divorce and I worked. My girls lived with me after College and they worked. No one lives in my house over the age of 18 and doesn't work.

Now for Mom. If her care is getting too much, then find options. Same with Dad. Have him start now planning where he will go when he can no longer care for himself. This is something he needs to plan. He should not think his children are the solution.



MIL has Dementia, she may eventually forget there is another daughter.
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just wanted to add that i noticed this other thread that sounds like it could have been written by the sister who's moving away. it wasn't actually written by her but i'm just saying OP might appreciate another perspective that might illuminate the other side of the issue. i'm not saying this poster's situation is exactly the same but there could be bits that are similar that OP and his wife are not able to see from their perspective: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-resolve-resentment-and-come-to-an-understanding-with-my-sister-in-regards-to-managing-care-of-475830.htm?orderby=recent
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My next thought about your SIL S move is , she was leaving California ? For another state that is more financially livable? Sub stainable??
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Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help. She’s selfish. Her decision means your wife will have to help with everything (even if the mother goes to a facility, caregiving/advocating/dealing with problems doesn’t end.)

The fact that your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help has nothing to do with moving.

Let me explain: there are hundreds of ways to help; it’s totally possible to help (even with emergencies) if you live in another country.

Helping by:
-giving your time
-sharing the psychological stress of emergencies/new problems
-finding trustworthy in-home aides
-finding a good facility
-etc.

You don’t need to live close to the mother to do any of that.

Some adult children live 5 minutes away, and don’t help at all.

In other words, it’s not the move to a new town that changes anything. It’s just that your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help.
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MargaretMcKen Jul 2022
The fact that your “Your wife’s sister doesn’t want to help” doesn’t automatically mean “she’s selfish.” If the dynamics are as dramatic as this regularly, it would get very very old for many of us.
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You sound like a kind, caring and committed person who needs to put up a guard against being drawn too far into the dynamics of these three women. Family may be biological genetic ties but for me, it's really a about a group of people who care for each other. I've sat in my office as a Director of Admission and watch biological families rip each other's throats out; that's a hateful group of people. I watched a confederate flag waver race from West VA to NJ to be at the bedside of his "she's like a Mama to me" African American neighbor; that's a caring family member. Sometimes, I've felt that "biological family" is God's little giggle. As a single woman, I find that choosing good friends has been good family for me. It's sounds like the dynamics in your wife's family have been messed up for sometime but even if they were not ..... you simply can't force people to care. So, hard though it may be, put this behind you as only then can you really move forward (and tell the ladies you are putting it behind you and they should follow suit, because you are not going to listen to them wailing and tearing their clothes about this for the next six months as it accomplishes nothing positive).
In terms of prolonging the family line............ well, few of us will attain the longevity of any of the prophets or King Tut or do as much to make us historical icons like Lincoln or Ghandi, so it's best to live your life to the fullest and let the future take care of itself. Additionally in your case, your sister has a son. He made decide to marry at some point to pass on the genetic code if that is very important to you.

Deal with the immediate issues. Make sure your MIL and FIL have their VIPs ((very important papers) Wills, DPoA, Medical Proxies) up to date. Find an AL/MC for your MIL so that you and your wife can be sweethearts again with each other and caring SIL and daughter to her parents.
Wishing your peace and tranquility during this difficult time.
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MargaretMcKen Jul 2022
Great post, except that King Tut actually died very young. It was the mummy that lasted!
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Whatever your SIL reasons are for moving really does not matter. Is it sad? Yes. But she hasn’t been much help up till now, and now will be uninvolved entirely.

So what about mom? How can things change? Those are questions with serious decisions to be made.

If mom is still partly independent, I would consider having a caregiver come in once a day for 2-4 hours. Caregivers are not cheap. A private hire, can cost $15-$20/hour. Through an agency it is $25-$35/hour. If mom has any LTC insurance the agency is likely the only option because they won’t pay for private hire. if you choose private hire, care.com is a resource. While candidates are not required to submit to a criminal background check, most do. But I didn’t trust the reports care.com provided. So, I hired an agency to run a criminal record on a candidate that would care for my wife. It cost $117.00, but we’ll worth my peace of mind.

Caring for someone with any of the dementias is emotionally, physically, and financially exhausting. There are agency that help. Check with your local Alzheimer’s Association chapter to see what resources are available. You can find contacts through alz.org.

Lastly, I run a zoom caregivers support group every 1/3 Thursday’s of each month. I’d love for you to join us. If you search me on Facebook, I’m Terry Canipe. I’ll be the one standing with my bride, in front of a bay of water. You can private message me and I’ll respond.

If that doesn’t work, try to find the South Carolina chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association, call them up and tell them Sam Wiley knows me. Sam is the state director. He knows how to get in touch with me.

Support groups are a great resource of suggestions on what we all, as those caring for loved ones, go through.

I pray you’ll find answers!

terrysmellgood

PS. Add @msn.com to my screen name you can email me.
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This happens a lot - people move away for obvious reasons . New beginnings - closing a old chapter . She doesn’t sound like she was that involved to begin with so I am not sure what there is to miss . Find some caregivers to hire the sooner the better . Your sister in law is telling you not to rely on her .
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You shouldn't "tell" your SIL anything. You're a good person but you need to back away from the family dynamics. My own feeling is that no adult should assume that any relative is going to look after them as they age; and they should plan accordingly, whatever that means: Connect with elder service agencies, get a life alert device (while you're still on top of it enough to think about it); Maybe establish a relationship with a local religious organization; Set up your POA and healthcare documents; and let the kids live their lives. The issue of "Who Cares for Mom/Dad" has wrecked many a family, and the damage it does is painful to experience or watch.
The worst damage happens when the people involved have shaky boundaries, and can be influenced by guilt and other emotions. You need to have clear, objective goals, and let go of judgement. Your SIL is living her life - She's not "destroying" your family; Her mother and sister are judging her and thereby destroying it themselves, don't buy into that nightmare: Who knows what the dynamics are, but I suspect that guilt/judgement/manipulation etc. have a lot to do with why SIL is now 1,000 miles away: Sometimes it's easier to firm up one's boundaries by attaining physical distance.
Let go of judgement; Take care of VIP's (Very Important Papers); Determine your goals and boundaries (e.g. We'll visit once a week; We'll call every day etc.) and communicate them to your MIL, be very clear and don't feel guilty. Of course the situation is fluid as she ages, so you can establish markers and set up services as needed. Do your best to leave emotions out of the picture.
Relatively few seniors live with family any longer, so figuring out how it's going to work can get very messy and complicated if careful plans haven't been made.
Good luck to you all, remember to breathe.
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ML4444 Jul 2022
100% right.
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Its ok let her be and God will take care. Remember, if she feels that way then you can tell her that it will be on her conscious if and when mom passes and it is between her and God. You cant force anyone to do what they dont want to do, you have to see both sides and know that we cant judge people. Just pray for her and mom and let it be. Stop beating yourself up with things you cant make happen. Yes a home is good for all of you, just know that you all did what you could for mom and there are limits to what can be done. I am living with an alzheimers mother inlaw and my husband and I are sole caregiver for her. Mother inlaw thinks she has nothing wrong with herself and her daughter lives five minutes away from us and expected us to care for mom without having a meeting or anything. It is hard for me cause I am on dialysis since 2001 and because my husband and I live with mom, she thinks we can handle her. Sister inlaw is a Public Health Nurse and you figure she has resources she can go to to help us all out but, she doesnt. She takes her mom to doctors and dont even tell us the diagnoses of mom. She did that when dad had his diemensia and he passed in 2022 Janurary and didnt tell us anything too. We lived through dad's fury and mind set and now we are living through mom's. Sister inlaw got almost everything from mom and dad and the best of it too. My husband being the oldest is treated like he doesnt exist and now they are trying to sell the house from under him too. I am caught in the middle of it all and dont like it one bit. I tell my husband and he dont know what to do. So, we just leave it all in God's hands and let God handle it all.
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poodledoodle Jul 2022
My feeling is don’t wait for God. If some things need to be stored out now, then do it now. Never wait.
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this story is very similar to mine.

my sister chose to move away right when things started getting difficult with mom and dad. When they got to the point where they needed more and more attention, sister announced she was moving halfway across the country, she had actually already checked out of their lives when the pandemic hit- using that as a cover to stop interacting with them (which she has admitted).

all I can say is….

Some people choose to live for themselves, and there is not much any of us can do about it. But how they choose to live their lives is not going to stop me from stepping up and doing what I know is right.

Sorry you are going through this. That’s all I’ve got
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poodledoodle Jul 2022
“But how they choose to live their lives is not going to stop me from stepping up and doing what I know is right.”

I think you’re great!

Just be careful.
Don’t let it eat up too much of your time/mind/stress.

It’s the right thing to do: to help. But it’s also the right thing to do: to make sure you’re not sacrificed along the way.
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She was basically absent anyway. We need to quit hoping for help from someone when they don’t have a history of being helpful. Build your support system without her. It’s her loss. Let her and it go.
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poodledoodle Jul 2022
“It’s her loss.”

Although I understand what you’re trying to say, it’s actually very much - not - her loss. She has - a lot - to gain by not being the one who helps in any way. Zero stress. Zero problems. Peaceful sleep. Lots of time to do whatever she wants every day.

So who gets the stress?
Her sister (OP’s wife).

Who will have sleepless nights?
Her sister.

Who will have less and less time?
Her sister.

NO MATTER WHAT.
By that I mean, for those who think it’ll all be easier if the LO is in a facility, it’s not. You’re still helping, advocating, dealing with problems…while your selfish sibling sleeps blissfully and peacefully, not lifting a finger to solve a single problem.
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It doesn't sound like your SIL was any help to begin with. Has your wife ever said to her sister "I'm not an only child and I need help with moms care and at the very least some collaboration with the decision making?" If she lived an hour away, she was never in her mothers day to day and seems to have a loner personality, so it would not be out of character for her not to even think about what mom needs and what you have to give up to provide it. SIL's argument may be that she is single and still working and has to provide for herself because she doesn't have anyone. The bottom line is that you can't make someone help and most of us on this forum have family members that didn't feel obligated to help. It's unfortunate, but ... here we are.

If your MIL has moderate dementia, She probably should not be left alone and obviously her condition will only worsen, so I suggest forgetting about the SIL and put your energy into figuring out how you're going to manage MIL's care. Not sure what your MIL's finances are like, but I had to sell my moms home so that she had money for care. So your options are 1) bring care into your MIL's house 2) sell her home and move her into a facility 3) move her into your home. The bottom line is she really should not be left alone. What if she gets up in the middle of the night and doesn't realize where she is and wonders outside? It is like having a small child. You wouldn't leave a child alone in a house for any period of time.

Save yourself some misery and forget about the SIL. If she contacts you for an update on mom, fine, give her one. If she doesn't ask about mom, don't bring it up. Being mad will only drain you.

Good Luck.
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How long will your Mom be able to live by herself with Dementia? Are you going to put her in care or move her to your home? Don't resent the sister, each has their own ability to handle life. You all need to focus more on your own well being. Life is ever changing, you have a right to enjoy yours too.
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Your MIL with dementia needs more help than you are admitting. By doing all that you are doing for her you are propping her up and in a way denying the amount of help that she really needs.
It is time to make decisions.
Your SIL has every right to live her life and do what she wants to do and move where she wants to. If she had moved away when she got married would your wife still be carrying on the way she is? Seems a bit unhealthy to me. And I think her reaction is having an effect on her mom as well. Mom sees your wife upset and she in turn gets upset. A bit of co-dependency going on.

Now for the decisions...
With dementia she is not going to remain at the cognitive level that she is. She will decline. She will need more help. She will not be safe alone in her home. (if she is now..the possibility of her wandering off, leaving the stove on, leaving the water running and a host of other possibilities.)
Placing her in Memory Care seems to be the best option. The other 2 options would be have her move in with you and your wife so you can care for her. Not an easy task. OR you move in with her so you can care for her. Again not easy.
Are either of your houses set up to care for someone using a walker? Wheelchair? Having to use equipment like a Sit to Stand? Hoyer Lift? Wide halls? No carpet? No stairs? Large bathroom that is barrier free?
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First of all, you don't know what your SIL's life was like or what kind of a relationship she had with her mother. So don't jump to judgment calling her selfish for not really having a close relationship with her mother and not being willing to take on caregiving for her.
Instead of speculating why she makes herself distant, you and your wife try having a sincere and truthful talk with her about it. In a safe space with no judgments. Then try really listening to what she says. I think you will be surpised by what you will hear.
Your wife and her mother need to stop with the daily crying and semantics and behaving like your SIL is dead. That is called villifying and no good can come of it. My guess is that your indifferent SIL has been villified by her mother for a very long time. Probably since she was a little kid. I can say this because my mother cast me in the role of family scapegoat and villian when I was a little kid. No matter what I did or didn't do, I'm the villian then and now.
You most definitely should tell your SIL about the daily crying and fits of rage that she is the topic of. Then let her talk.
Now, your wife DOES NOT have to single-handedly be responsible for her mother's every need and want.
There is help out there. Like in-home caregivers. Senior living communities, nursing homes, memory care facilities, assisted living facilities.
If you love and care for your wife and I think you do, you will not allow caregiving for her mother to destroy her. And it will.
It will not be your SIL's fault if your wife has a nervous breakdown or a psychotic break because she cannot cope with the care needs of her mother anymore. If there is daily crying and fits of rage from your wife then she's not coping. Your MIL needs to be placed in care. Forget the guilt and possible martyrdom and feelings of duty and obligation. Maybe your MIL made your wife promise to never "put her in a home" which is the most selfish and terrible vow anyone can ask of someone they love. Break that promise. Your wife's well being has to come first.
Take it from me. I had a nervous breakdown because of caregiving. The daily crying and fits of rage is what comes right before the break. God help me if it wasn't for therapy and my ex-husband.
Please start lookinginto options for your MIL and talk to your SIL sincerely. Good luck.
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deblarue Jul 2022
BurntCaregiver
As always!! Love your responses and sharing about your experiences!!! It helps me tremendously!!
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You won’t get more support from your sister-in-law, so you have to plan around it. I did notice you listed the reasons she should bear the load: no husband or children, etc. People do presume SINKs (single income, no kids) will take care of parents, relatives, etc. and I’ve had relatives, distant, lining up when my mom care is over because they assume they will get me to help them.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
That happens all the time. Since I'm reconciling with my ex, there's a long list of aging relatives (and their adult kids) who think they are lined up for me to be their caregiver because I have years of "experience".
Not happening. I will NEVER take up another caregiving position be it as employment or for family.
I will advocate. I will offer whatever level of help I'm comfortable with, but that's all.
In fact, my ex and I are going to lawyer to have legal documents drawn up proclaiming that there will be no relatives (on either side) in need of caregiving moving into our home, nor will we relocate ourselves to provide caregiving services. This way we're covered in writing.
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Sounds like sis “checked” out quite a while ago. She was sending signals before the final separation. As the only child of my dad who had dementia, I was alone in handling it. My husband had already died and I had my dad come live with me. Somehow I managed and my adult sons did what they could to help too. Look into getting outside help or have mom go to a care home. You’ve got to do what’s best for everyone concerned without worrying about your sister in laws help. I’d say though, that if she’s not going to help perhaps she shouldn’t expect a lot from mom’s estate after she passes.
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Neither your wife nor your sister in law is obligated to take on their mother's care. It is wonderful if they can and will do it, and it is morally responsible of them to help arrange for their mother's care or placement if, but it is not a role you should automatically expect of anyone.

Assuming your sister-in-law chooses not to be involved in her mother's care, re-assess what you and your wife are willing to do and evaluate your mother's resources for home care or faciliry placement as it may be needed.
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She should stay nearby to at least help ease the burden and provide more joy for her mom at the same time. Its extremely selfish to move away from an elderly parent and without regard to the increased time , and effort it places on the family that does remain to help. Happening to me right now.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
No, the sister should not stay nearby if she does not want to be a caregiver.
How can you say it's extremely selfish to move away from an elderly parent? You don't know what someone's relationship was like with their now elderly and needy parent.
There could be a long history of dysfunction and abuse.
The remaining family who wants to have a go at caregiving, should by all means do so. That is their choice. They do not have to.
It is also the choice of the sibling who does not stick around to become a caregiver to an elderly parent.
However, if there is any possible inheritance at stake, the sibling who took on the caregiving should get it all if they keep mom or dad out of a facility. We earn it. Or at the very least they should get the lion's share of it.
I had some resentment towards my sibling who did nothing for years. She knows now that either it's step up and take over the responsibility of our mother or the state will because I'm all done.
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My sister lives 3,000 miles away from my mom. I live 4 miles away. My mother is not ENTITLED to help from either of us. I do it out of the goodness of my heart. My sister is so alienated from her it's hard for her to be around her much more than a few days. I don't fault her in that at all.

Your MIL is not ENTITLED to help from her daughter or your wife. It's your sister-in-law's choice as it is your wife's.
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Accept that you and your wife now have primary responsibilty for her mother. Your wife (and you) need a plan B, as your MIL's health is likely to decline as she gets older. You have basically 2 options, you can hire in-home aides for her, or she can move to an assisted living facility. An assisted living facility with professional staff has many advantages, as her mental health will also decline with dementia, and she will need knowledgeable aides to assist her through the stages of dementia. People with advanced dementia can become totally helpless where they need to be fed, forget how to walk, need assistance with tranferring from bed to a wheel chair, or even become bed-bound. If you are not capable of handling this, she would be much better off in a facility. She will need help finding a facility. Get one near you so that you can visit often and oversee her care. While your MIL is still able to sign legal documents, make sure all of her paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial decisions, a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets (a house, a car, etc.). You may need an attorney to do the legal papers. Her POA needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. This can be done with a phone call with her sitting beside you. Most banks and financial institutions have their own POA forms. It's also a good idea to ask for a credit card on her account with the POA's name on it so that it's easy for the POA to purchase things on her behalf. My mother agreed to make me joint owner of her accounts (but not the credit card account), which made things much easier. If she does move to a facility, she'll most likely need help selling her house (if she owns a house) and downsizing. When we had to do this for my mother, the real estate broker was very helpful at clearing out the house so that it could be sold. Hopefully your MIL will agree to moving, as she no longer has someone in her house caring for her. I had POA for my mother and set up all of her accounts online with autopay. This also made things much easier. Have all her bills sent to the POA's address and it's best to remove or lock up valuables and financial statements if there will be aides in the house. Get connected with a local social worker who can help explain her options. Much will depend on her finances. All the best to you and your wife and MIL.
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I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think when you have more than one child, the caregiving eventually ends up mostly on the back of one child. My suggestion would be to forget about your SIL as she is trying to forget about all of you. Instead, consult with an aging agency about options for care to give your wife and you respite. Also, have a few therapy sessions with an experienced family psychologist or therapist. You simply can't make the SIL do anything and you probably need a way to work this out.
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Not everyone is equipped to deal with other people's needs, sorry. And I hope for you that you can get these two women in your life to settle down, quit the drama, and do what is needed.
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Please DON'T put her into a home! There is so much neglect and abuse in them.

There are better solutions. You can get in home care for your mother. We have a program here called IRIS that helps fund for in home care. She can have whoever she wants for her caregivers including family. They not only pay for care, but will pay for many other things she may need that are not covered by insurance. Most states have programs like this. They are wonderful. Your mother in law does not need to loose everything she has.
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my2cents Jul 2022
What state are you in? Texas has some very limited in-home help but to qualify, the income has to be very, very low. Pretty much, you keep the person at home and be the caretaker, or there is plenty of money saved up to pay caregivers. The only reprieve a caretaker is going to get (without family help or funds to pay) is to try and qualify for NH placement.
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Perhaps not right time for you, but, obviously right time for SIL. If she visited only once a month perhaps there are valid reasons.
Why wouldn’t your wife instead of crying discuss this with her and come up with some solutions re Mom‘s care?
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Sister seldom came or helped out anyway. Probably won't be much different around your house than it is right now. Sis has better opportunity for income and to get housing of her own. There's a window of opportunity for certain things in our life. Her being better off with money and an affordable house - well, those are pretty big things.

She's not abandoning anyone. She's living her life pretty much the same as she did prior to the job offer. Some of the issues for you/wife/mom may be that you 'wished' for her to become more involved, it didn't happen, and with a move that far away it clearly is not going to happen. Some are caregivers and some are not.
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