I added a TL;DR at the end since this will be long haha.
When I was 18, my father passed away leaving behind my mother and I, along with his two parents that, at the time, had recently moved near us. Traditionally, it's been only my mother, father, and I living together. The rest of our family is across the US or in Europe. For more context, I've never met a cousin of mine and only know of 3 first cousins in Europe. I'm currently 24 and am making an effort to not push this to the back of my mind. My mom is currently 55.
That aside, I'm in a situation where my mom watches my back and I watch hers. While I'm not around every time she gets sick, I'm more than willing to provide financial support so she can get the health support she needs (i.e. running to the ER in the case of persisting chest pains and sweats). We don't have the best relationship, mainly because she struggles with anxiety and being exposed to it puts me on edge. It's hard to be around her for a while. To be clear, it's not "PTSD" or random type panic moments, but there are panic moments when she is overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to take care of her as she grows older.
She doesn't seem to be taking care of herself and is struggling with her retirement. It was about 4 years ago when she first realized that she needed to save for retirement. To date, she has just under 40k in her 401k and could get 400k by selling the home she's living in now. I'm not necessarily seeking financial advice, but just wanted to bring more context. I've also encouraged her to go to therapy to help with her mental health, but I feel like I can only push so hard, so I don't try my luck. She has adopted 3 dogs and has 4 cats from before my dad passed away. The dogs seem to add on the stress, with one in particular likely causing her issues. It's a situation where, since she already adopted them, giving one or more of the dogs up would be akin to sending them to their death. While I agree with her for the most part, I feel as though her mental health is neglected by keeping them (really one in particular).
As a brief addition, she seems to consistently add more to her plate and overwhelm herself. In a sense, always keeping herself busy, but by stuffing her schedule. My fear is that by loading so much on the table, a leg breaks and causes everything else to fall apart.
She is currently a caregiver to her mother-in-law, or my grandmother. A couple of years ago, my grandfather passed away, leading to my grandmother's health declining and for dementia symptoms to form. My mom takes care of my grandmother and chastises my uncle who seems to want to remain distant from my grandmother. He has provided financial support, but doesn't seem to care about how the assisted care facility is treating her. My mom doesn't beleive he calls and regularly tells me that she fears me treating her like my uncle treats my grandmother. In a way, this constant anxiety she's feeling about it pushes me away more than it makes me want to reassure her. I can imagine her in the future crying because I haven't seen her in X amount of time, and that scares me. I don't really talk to my uncle, but my understanding is that the relationship with his mother was turbulent and something he still copes with today, but I have little idea.
Given the circumstances, how can I live my own life, encourage her to manage her mental health, and take care of her without feeling crushed? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading (:
TL;DR - My father passed 6 years ago, leaving my mom (now age 55) and I (now age 24). The rest of my family is scattered and I'm the only one with immediate access to her. She struggles to handle her personal life, dealing with financial and anxiety issues. I'm worried she'll add too much to her plate and then fall apart, leaving me to pick up the pieces. She is a caregiver for her mother-in-law (my grandmother) and feels an obligation to help her (otherwise my uncle wouldn't).
Your mother might be having more stress due to caregiving for your grandfather. That's a lot. Does she work? Do not expect your uncle to do anything in the caregiving realm. Some people are not cut out for it. If a person is not interested, they should not be pushed or otherwise guilted into it. Also meaning that your mother does not HAVE to provide care either. If her health is suffering, then she should be making a plan to back out as well. She should look at what she is providing for care and how to get it off of her plate.
Your mom is only 55 so you should not really be figuring out how to take care of her but how you are going to take care of YOU. Do you work and have a career? That's where your focus should be. And going out with your friends and enjoying life.
If your mom is driving you thinking about how you are going to care for her, I would seriously shift that conversation into how is she going to take care of HERSELF. Can she currently take care of her $400K house or are you propping her up to do so? Are you living with her? She could sell her house and move into a small apartment in a retirement community. Then Assisted Living when she can no longer live independently.
You do NOT want to be THE answer to how you are going to take care of her. Be her son, not her caregiver.
Also, make sure your mom has her paperwork in order. She should have things like a will, living will, power of attorney (medical and financial), etc in order. Without these documents, when something happens it will be nightmare for you. You should also be beneficiary on any accounts she has.
So, shift your focus and you can ensure that you BOTH have a nice future to look forward to.
To answser your questions neatly:
Q: Does she work?
A: Yes, her current base salary is around 96k with a potential 20% bonus (we doubt that's happening this year but who knows).
Q: Do you work and have a career?
A: Yes, I was able to make it through school and become a software developer.
Q: Can she currently take care of her $400K house or are you propping her up to do so?
A: She is handling the house herself, but I never have seen her specific finances. She is making payments consistently but I wonder if it's at the cost of her retirement.
Q: Are you living with her?
A: Yes, though I'm hoping it wasn't a mistake. I just moved back in a week ago to hopefully save some money for a move to the city. I also wrapped up a master's degree, so the timing was right to move. It will give me time to recieve an expected promotion and plan my finances without dealing with school and work at the same time (there's a lot less on my plate)
So far though, it's been tough dealing with her anxiety. I'm going to bring it up at some point, but it seems like she is about to freak out over something small at any point and that's draining to me. Maybe it's necessary that I just move right back out and potentially get a mediocre lease for an apartment to improve my mental health. Not sure yet.
Unfortunately you are living your life vicariously through her and playing the "What If Card" a total waste of time.
Your mother is only 55, she has plenty of time to learn how to manage her life both emotionally & financially.
Worry about you getting your life on track, a good job, a nice place to live building for your future, not hers.
In my own culture the family did not take care of one another to the extent your culture apparently dictates.
In fact, in my own parents decided whether or not to have children, had them if they chose, raised them as well as they could and educated and loved them, then sent them flying happily from the nest to MAKE THEIR OWN LIVES and make their OWN families.
Meanwhile the parents (I come of a very frugal family) saved for their retirement so as not to be a burden to their own children.
They then arranged what levels of care they wanted, first independent living, then assisted living, then long term care. While the children had their own children, raised them, and did the same.
Your own culture is no less valid, I would suppose, but I prefer my own way. Most of us DO prefer "our own way".
My daughter is currently 7 years YOUNGER THAN YOUR MOTHER. She is readying to retire in next several years. Her husband is retired and their son is finished with college and out on his own. She looks forward to these years free from care, free from work, free from parent and free from child. The most free years she will have if my own experience of travel, building a second small home, enjoying retirement is any example.
I by no means came from wealth. My family is and always has been coupon-clippers. We saved the hard way.
I recently read that studies show that the current generation gen-whatever sees no reason not to buy a 7.00 latter every day. I see EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD not to do that. So there you are.
Only you can make your own decisions for what you want your own life to be.
Seems you are very accepting of how this all is going/will be going for you. So I am just here to tell you I wish you every happiness and hope things will work well for your entire family.
Just as a "by the way", I am currently 81. I have never leaned on my daughter for anything but her love. I have no intention of ever doing so and I have made that clear to her from the beginning through all the time I raised her. It is not what I want for her. So just to say your Mom should work hard, save hard, stay fit and healthy, and in 30 years she will be closing in on my own age with no needs from YOU, and YOU will be closing in on her CURRENT age hopefully with no needs from anyone.
Gen Z sees no reason not to buy a $7 latte because they know they're working until the grave and there will be no retirement for them. Owning their own home is also out of the question for most of them.
It's not because they buy a $7 latte.
Now those Boomers, well they really screwed poor Gen Z and they did a number on us Gen X'ers too as they are the parents of my generation. They also screwed the planet pretty goog. Both generations will be paying for this generation of Boomers and their care until we die, then that debt is passed down.
So those Gen Z'ers should enjoy that $7 latte along with their crippling student loan debt that will never be able to pay down because at the rate the world is going now, Gen Z will not see old age.
At this point in her life, mom needs to take responsibility for her own life and not lay it at your feet, regardless of cultural expectations. She will have $440k+ by the time she retires, which is enough to liquidate and move into senior housing, then Assisted Living as needed. Make it perfectly clear to her that you will not assume the role of hands on caregiver for her in the future, as I did with my parents. That you will have a job and a family to attend to and no time or medical background to facilitate in home care of a senior. Prepare her NOW for what lies ahead down the road. Urge her to get meds and counseling for her issues or YOU will become (or continue to be) the parent and she will be the child. Many parents groom their children to take on JUST that role. It's not a lack of love that prevents us from accepting that role, but recognition of the importance of having separate lives as individuals w/o a parent usurping our freedom.
Wishing you the best of luck and courage realizing that YOUR life comes first.
She's currently taking care of her MIL which means there's a husband.
Let him pay for her insurance and take responsibility for her. She's taking responsibility for his mother.
It sounds to me like you're pretty much completely on your own. So you have to look after yourself and plan for your own future.
Your mother needs to grow up and start making some plans for her own old age.
Don't let her make you her old-age care plan the way so many seniors of today have done to their children.
Your mother is an adult. She is responsible for herself.
Stop thinking of yourself as the only path for mom to receive care. If she lives in the US, she should be entitled to Social Security and thank goodness, has started to save in retirement as accounts (www.bogleheads.org is a great place for a complete as ND free education on how to manage money and investments).
If she is low income in retirement, she will be eligible for Medicaid.
Your job is to develop a career, good savings habits and to establish yourself.
You can help mom FIND a path to better mental health; don't BE the path (hat tip to Beatty for that gem of a phrase.)
You're right that she is responsible for herself though, and should be prepared for the worst just as I am for myself.
Is your Uncle your grandmothers son? If so, he should be caring for his mother not her DIL whose husband has died. But then, maybe thats the culture your Mom comes from.
What you can do is make sure Mom continues to take care of herself. Don't enable or disable her. She should work as long as possible which for her will be till 67 to get 100% SS. Don't let her anxiety bring you down. You go on with your life. Marry and have that family who should be #1. Worry about Mom when the time comes. There are options, take advantage of them.
Also, when that scenario finally hits, do I have the ability to say "hey, you did this to yourself and I tried to help you earlier."? I don't think I'll be able to do this, so however she is in the future I think I'll need to deal with it. That's my internal struggle.
This is important to remember.
You say, "I can pave my own way and leave my mom to take care of herself, reaching out to her or helping on my own terms, or I can adjust to her expectations and try finding a balance. The first option seems ideal, but it feels like stabbing my mom and hoping the wound heals on its own. A part of me thinks she doesn't have it in her to recover from something like that, espeically since there is no family she sees other than me. Her relatives are in Europe." This is a really dramatic statement, dont you think? Expecting mom to fend for herself with the funds she has is hardly stabbing her. Unless you plan to never see her again?
My parents had nobody else but ME, too, and loved living in AL which was certainly not me stabbing them! They were quite fortunate to be able to afford such a lifestyle and were thankful FOR it. I was the advocate and life manager every step of the way. They made a lot of friends in AL which are often better than family for the no drama factor. And had activities galore, too.
You seem to have a very unhealthy attitude towards your responsibility for your mother's old age, especially when she's financially sound, which MANY folks are not. Work on your therapy and moving out of moms house so you can live your own life from now on. That's the best idea.
"Who, exactly, is mistreating an elder in AL?"
I shared this from personal experiences. I consider mistreatment from staff barking at residents to do certain things, or doing the bare minimum without regard to the wellbeing of residents. When going to see my grandmother in assisted living, we take care of all sorts of things that I'm shocked aren't addressed (disgusting room smell that turned out to be bad mold, running out of TP, etc.). At the end of the day, they have responsibilities and there probably is a reason they only fulfil those without always going above and beyond, but left alone without intervention from us my grandmother's living space might look more like a pigsty.
It could also be that my mom supporting my grandmother has enabled this, and the staff might suggest she require more care otherwise. I don't really know what stage of her health she needs to be in before considering a nursing home.
"This is a really dramatic statement, dont you think?"
It didn't really cross my mind when writing it, since that's really how I feel. I doubt I would never see her again, but there's some line that I'd probably cross by living my own life and seeing her exclusively on holidays. Her life is built on the idea that I'll be around a certain amount of time.
You are remarkably mature for your age. Most 24 year olds wouldn’t be so worried at their mother at thus point in their lives.
Your life is just ahead of you. And that us where your focus should be. Express your concerns and suggest that she see a financial advisor to help out her on solid ground . I’d leave it there for now.
My ex had mentioned that sticking around my mom is something she wouldn't want to do and I was on board with her. I would never ask a partner for that.
I don't have a relationship to find support in for now haha, but you mentioning that reminded me of scenarios where it would be much more understandable to have my mom deal with her own situation.
I appreciate it.
If she continues ‘her right’ to make stupid decisions, you should just get out of the way. Otherwise it’s you tying yourself to the railroad tracks. You can’t take the line that you are young and can’t tell her what to do, but that you are going to be responsible for her train crash and a victim of it yourself as well. Stop imagining future disasters! It’s all more stupid than you should want to be.
For me, I think that although my dad is an adult and should be able to take care of himself, I want to be involved and help where I can. However, it can't always be predetermined and in my own terms. I am okay with this, while still encouraging his independence and my own.
I would dedicate x amount of time a day with him until he was physically capable of managing on his own. Then, I adjusted that time based on his needs and my willingness of involvement.
I know it can be stressful, but I feel a moral inclination to help my parents. Though, I understand it is not an obligation.
You are young, and you have a lot ahead of you. But, it seems like she's also the only family you have and has some sort of attachment to you. If her financial situation bothers you, then sit down with her and figure out a plan. You can try to help as much as you can and do your part. However, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.
When you start a relationship, it is something to discuss with your future partner, in terms of your commitment and involvement in your mom's life.
In the end, it's your choice but best of luck :)
I didn't mention this in my original post, but my mom has hand issues that I know can't be simply sorted out. Heavy lifting and grabbing repeatedly are difficult for her, so it's much more understandable when I think about helping her in that way.
The time limits you mentioned are a good idea. That's maintaining some sort of rigid boundary that both parties can agree to. While it doesn't sound ideal on the surface, it's much better than nothing (at least that's my feeling).
Prior to setting the time constraints with your father, what sort of situation were you dealing with? What was he telling you?
It's not a great environment. Talking about it more made me realise where other people's expectations are and it seems like many here, I would rather grant others the freedom to do as they please and accept the consequences of my retirement planning as opposed to clinging to family.
When she really needs help (probably much later down the road), I should be able to evaluate it based off of where I'm at in my life. It does feel odd to care more about myself but can probably be explored in therapy like you're saying.
YOU can control your actions and reactions.
YOU can not force her or make her make better choices.
YOU can make better choices for yourself.
You need to start thinking about yourself, your future, your eventual retirement.
Your mother is far to young for you to take all the responsibility. (continue like this you will be caring for her for another 30, 40 years...what happens to you?)
While I can't control her actions and responses, it's hard to think of someone that's sacraficed a ton for me and turn my back on them for making poor decisions. I also understand repayment can never truly be accomplished, but I envision being pretty disturbed by her condition in the future. Then, thinking that she's in that position because I chose to deny assistance... I don't want it to be a sore spot, but it feels like it always will be.
I became a widow at 50 (no kids), and dove into my career to keep busy and get past the grief. I challenged myself to work hard, make money and save it. I paid off my house and retired at age 65. Sure, I had panic attacks, a tad of anxiety and lots of sadness during that process. I never met anyone I liked enough to date. I got a great dog myself, I had for 7 years. She sounds perfectly normal to me.
The loss of a spouse sucks. Your life is ripped in half. She is managing to work, be successful and even let her son move back in. Your job now is not to fret or obsess over her future, but to make her busy life NOW much easier! That means helping around her house, with no drama.
In other words....be a great, thoughtful and upbeat son, that doesn't stress her out! Offer to take her out sometime for a casual dinner, or just to do something fun. Tell her she looks fabulous, clean the gutters, take her car to the car wash and treat her...make her smile! Stop giving her the "worried vibe." You are lucky to have a great Mom, who is obviously successful and independent, so let her know that by your actions. Don't be a downer, or act worried about HER future. Instead, ask her advice about YOUR future! If you see she needs help, offer it. Be positive, helpful and hopeful around her. It's simple. Give her the respect she has earned and be thankful she's surviving quite nicely.
While living under her roof, make her life as easy as possible. Don't even mention Assisted Living to her at her age! Focus on your own life, not hers. You got this!
I don't believe my mom is as independent as you suggest. Yes, she has been successful with work and juggles many other tasks, a doer. Her level of attachment to me is pretty strong though, and she has personal fears about not being taken care of in the future. While I've told her that she'll be taken care of, I've been honest in saying that I wouldn't do the same thing that she's doing for her MIL, my grandmother. It feels like a black hole that can never be filled.
With this in mind, it's hard to be upbeat like you suggest. I don't think it's possible to be who she wants me to be.
Additionally, by making her busy life easier, wouldn't that allow her to take on more tasks, stressing herself out even more? I don't mean this in a combative way, but that sounds like enabling the sort of behavior that's currently creating problems.
This.
Retirement age is 67 where I live (to access either Govt pension or personal retirement funds). At 55 your Mother may be considered somewhat old is some cultures, but I'd consider 'middle aged'. If no major health concerns, middle aged persons can be working.
Something is holding her back from her most productive life. This is her issue to explore, seek advice & find solutions for. Using a child/grown young adult for all your support needs is 'dependant' behaviour in my book.
You are her son. Not her therapist.
I'm currently seeking family therapy. After talking with her earlier, it seems like a good stepping stone if we want our relationship to improve going forward.
Read that through.
Ask yourself are you wanting her permission? For her to give her approval?
Whether she ACCEPTS your decisions or not is up to HER.
You are free to make adult decisions. Your Mother is free to feel whatever way she wants to feel about them.
I have made many decisions in life my Mother disapproved off.. from the boyfriend with thinning hair, the overseas trips, choice of house. Heck, add the Mother-in-law too.. didn't pick the baby name she wanted.
See what I mean?
I see what you're saying, but I don't see disapproval as non-acceptance. She is free to feel whatever way she wants. She might not like that I'm moving somewhere far away or dating someone she doesn't get along with. I believe she can accept those decisions without agreeing with them.
When I want her acceptance, really I'm wanting her to accept that I'm determining the outcome. That though she may not like my decision, she understands it's best that I can make those types of decisions for myself.
I know women who live on much less than that! One has a pension from her husband ($560 per month) and social security retirement ($970 per month). She occasionally works pet sitting. She owns her home in an area with a moderate cost of living, and her house is paid for. She has an IRA. She's a widow and lives modestly, has a nice vacation with a group tour every two years. She's 77. I'm only mentioning this because your mom is comparatively much better off.
You're way too enmeshed with your mom. I admire your wish to be a good son, and you are. But part of growing up is growing away, establishing your own life, and realizing that mom is not your responsibility. Nor are you hers.
Good luck and best wishes for a happy life.
My mom would be worried about letting go of the house, the backyard garden, and all the luxeries that come with it. While I might think to myself, "Okay, seriously? Do you really need all of this?" There's a part of herself that suffers a bit from the loss.
Most people would call that growing up and saying "sh*t happens," but it doesn't get rid of the pain.
One thing I did take away from your post which I hadn't really thought about, is that if she were to downgrade her lifestyle, she would be able to adapt to whatever place she ends up at. If people can lose limbs and live happy fulfilling lives, I'm sure my mom can move to a smaller house and make adjustments where needed. I see that a lot of this is not wanting to see her go through the pain.
If you look, you can see before you either a need to break free, or a lifetime where your mother dominates your future life over any family you might want for yourself. Your tie to mother may even dominate your future career, and where it might take you.
I am sorry that you feel your mom isn't taking care of business the way you think it should be but, tough cookies kitty! If you were my kid, I'd give you a move out date before the end of the year because you obviously, can't stay in your own lane. Her finances are none of your business.
When you don't have to move in with mommy to make your finances work, then maybe, just maybe, your opinions will be considered. Until then, mind your own business.
You're probably right about what you'd do if I were your kid. All of that seems fairly reasonable to me.
I'm concerned with her finances because, at some point, she will retire. Before writing this post, I was under the impression that she'd put herself in a situation that requires more care with the expectation that I produce a similar level of care that she provides for her MIL (from my deceased father), my grandmother. I took the time to speak with her about those expectations and now understand the situation a little differently, where her expectations of care in the future stem from a fear that I will disappear from her life entirely. So it's less of wanting something in particular, more of not wanting me to go.
Also, I have the ability to move out at any point. I wasn't able to include it in the original post, but I make a decent income with my current remote job. Therefore, helping her with mortgage payments and utilities while I'm living here is no problem. I decided to move in with her so I could get the money together to buy new apartment furniture. Seeing as the rent in the place I want to move to is pretty high, X number of months spent at home is a lot of money saved.
I have been reading your posts and they border on creepiness because they are so analytical and lack emotion. Move out of your mother's house and stop obsessing over this because that is what it sounds like.
No, but seriously I feel the emotions. I just try to not show them as much here because this thread is to rationalize my thoughts and figure out what my next moves should be. Also, while some people here have written inflammatory comments, I don't think fighting fire with fire is good. I have to look at what they say at face value and explain to myself whether it's understandable or not.
You're also not wrong about a premature end of mine. She would eventually adapt as all people eventually do. That's a hard thing to remember because it does sometimes feel like her world would stop if I were to die randomly.
This idea and my future partner/family dealing with my mom lead me to feel like I should live my life the way I want and have my mom deal with the rest.
While not scientific term many children exhibit extreme maturity and responsibility for parents.
My son is the only child as well.
The difference is I am extreme believer in children living their own lives. While it was sad( but I encouraged him) he moved to another country and lives successful life with his wonderful bride.
However, you are right about mother’s finances.
You should not worry but suggest she finds somebody to listen to objective opinion.
We just do for our parents what they were obliged to do for us. Help us learn how to be responsible for ourselves. You will help your Mom by sitting her down and telling her she cannot rely on you fully. She needs to move on from your Dads death and start thinking of her future. You worry about something unseen happening to Mom but that goes both ways, something could happen to you. Thats why she can't fully rely on you. She has a good job. My DH and I live on a little more than half of what your Mom makes. We never know what the future will bring. We need to just deal with it when it happens. Just take care of today.
You are 24, just out of relationship, and you have time and energy to go along with M’s ‘wants’ – even to see them as ‘needs’. If you change your support now, M has the time and energy to pick up dealing with them herself. If pushed, she will cope.
If you don’t change now, but find it needs to change in the future, you will be ‘dropping’ M and her demands at a time when she may no longer have the ability to cope so well. Her expectations of you will have grown, and her skills to cope will wither on the vine. She will probably be very angry with you. This is NOT doing her (or your relationship with her) a favor. Sort it now!
I appreciate you bringing this up. This seems to apply to all relationships, where leaving matters unattended prevents the other person from working on whatever it is they need to adapt to. For my mom, that would be creating more independence for herself and envisioning a life of her own while I have my own life.
I'm glad I reached out about it. Thanks again for your guidance.