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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Pinkzat, your profile says that Mom has dementia. In that case confrontation is not likely to be very effective. She talks dirty? In dementia the social filters we have carefully built up over a lifetime fail. I would ignore the language and respond to what she is saying as if she had left out the dirty stuff. In public, you might try quietly reminding her that she is using words that should be reserved for private. Or maybe you have to limit her public outings.
Asking you the same thing over and over? Sigh. That one can drive almost any one to lose it at least sometimes. Just answer her briefly each time and try to redirect her to another topic. "We are having pork chops for dinner." "Dinner is pork chops." "Do you remember what my favorite food was when I was in grade school?" You could try writing the answer on paper or a white board and just pointing at it, but that isn't often successful. Confronting "Mother, I've told you 50 times what's for dinner!!!" might bring some temporary relief or it might lead to a meltdown. Just remind yourself that she isn't doing it on purpose and answer again.
You'll have to make the call about limiting her outings. No one has ever died from embarrassment, but there comes a point where persons with dementia can be a menace to themselves and others. Some caregivers carry business-card size messages that say "My mother has dementia. Thank you for your patience." to smooth over any situations that call for an explanation.
Learn about dementia. Know what to expect. Accept that much of mother's behavior is not within her control. Can you confront your parent? Sure. But generally it won't do any good and may make matters worse.
Personally, it depends on which one it is, and what they are doing.
Dad trying to take my keys because he wants to drive himself to dialysis? Not a snowball's chance in hell. He's had a massive stroke and double amputation (legs), he's got the mentality of a 5 year old, on a good day, and refuses to even stand up straight anymore. There is literally no chance he's driving anything, anywhere. The confrontation in this case (it happens quite a lot) is basically me taking the key off the table and telling him that he's not on my insurance (which he isn't, he doesn't have a license anymore but he doesn't understand that since he has a picture ID that looks identical) followed by sticking the key in my pocket and asking if he's going to get ready to go. He rarely bothers to argue, he knows he can't get it from me, and the only other copy is locked in my room out of his reach as well.
On the other hand, mom constantly does crazy crap. Unless she is putting herself, or others, in danger, I don't bother anymore. She won't understand, and she'll argue until she's worked herself up into a frenzy (which, admittedly, doesn't exactly take long), and then do it anyways as soon as you turn your back. For some of it (her trying to cook, wanting to make her own phonecalls about dr visits, medication, ect.) I make sure I'm within earshot when she does it, because she will forget she's cooking (has happened a few times) or she gets confused about who she's talking to and why they're on the phone with her (even if she's the one that calls them). For other things, I simply remove her ability to do whatever it is, and she rarely notices. She can't drive either, Alzheimer's/dementia and very low vision, which is why I have the only car key that isn't locked away. The doctor's offices/pharmacy know her condition, so they limit what she can do from the phone if she calls (no medication changes, no appointment cancellations).
In both cases, as long as they are not going to hurt me, themselves, animals, or other people, and they are not going to damage our or anyone else's property, I generally will at least let them try it. If any of the above is a possibility, I have no issue confronting and stopping them from doing whatever it was.
You may as well argue with the wall - less aggrevation and still won't get a response - LOL Take away their ability to get into anything that can hurt them, you, pets, or others (i.e. car keys, door keys, cooking, etc.) Beyond that let them try (and fail at) whatever they want to do. Arguing does no good. Accept that you will "lose it" occasionally and argue or yell - 15 minutes later they will forget that you did - forgive yourself and try not to do it again. That you are trying to take care of them is probably better than anyone else in their lives is doing. On some level I think they realize this - and if not - at least you tried.
You can confront them with everything and anything. Be ready to face consequences: it will backfire big time! And it does not matter what they are doing or saying.... in their mind they are absolutely right and always will be. You can't change it. So, if you like to fight yourself, go ahead, argue and confront!
At least she puts on a towel. I expect full frontal nudity at any time from my MIL, She recently tired to flash a TSA agent at the Detroit airport. She said she wanted to show him that she didn't have "any guns or bombs in my bosoms."
Husband tried to hush her up by whispering that it was a bad idea to say "guns or bombs" while going through airport security, at which point she gave him the stink eye and hissed that she had a right to say whatever she wanted.
Changing the subject works sometimes when the elderly person starts cursing. I think they curse because they're aware that those words are powerful and likely to get attention, or maybe they've just lost their inhibitions and no longer fell the need to be "ladylike."
The constant questions are what get to me. It's probably best just to answer briefly and calmly.
TherIsNoTry is correct. It's Teepa Snow. She's outstanding in her recommendations/suggestions in dealing with people with Alzheimers. This is her website. (She also has YouTube videos to watch.) teepasnow/about.html
Why would you even go there?? Do you wish to be right or happy?? I am married to a man who KNOW EVERYTHING. He also suffers from Solvent Dementia. Kind of reminds me of my kid's when they were younger & alive. All I do is smile & walk away. I also wear a bracelet I made that I use the beads on to pray with as he speaks, if I don't agree. Works for me, or I go play the Guitar. I don't try to tell him much for that always makes me be "the enemy." I don't wish to be the enemy. I don't have to be right either. I just have to loving listen....
As an afterthought, maybe she finds her bathing suit uncomfortable. You could try getting her a beach cover-up to wear instead, something that allows her freedom of movement but that covers everything that needs covering.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Asking you the same thing over and over? Sigh. That one can drive almost any one to lose it at least sometimes. Just answer her briefly each time and try to redirect her to another topic. "We are having pork chops for dinner." "Dinner is pork chops." "Do you remember what my favorite food was when I was in grade school?" You could try writing the answer on paper or a white board and just pointing at it, but that isn't often successful. Confronting "Mother, I've told you 50 times what's for dinner!!!" might bring some temporary relief or it might lead to a meltdown. Just remind yourself that she isn't doing it on purpose and answer again.
You'll have to make the call about limiting her outings. No one has ever died from embarrassment, but there comes a point where persons with dementia can be a menace to themselves and others. Some caregivers carry business-card size messages that say "My mother has dementia. Thank you for your patience." to smooth over any situations that call for an explanation.
Learn about dementia. Know what to expect. Accept that much of mother's behavior is not within her control. Can you confront your parent? Sure. But generally it won't do any good and may make matters worse.
Personally, it depends on which one it is, and what they are doing.
Dad trying to take my keys because he wants to drive himself to dialysis? Not a snowball's chance in hell. He's had a massive stroke and double amputation (legs), he's got the mentality of a 5 year old, on a good day, and refuses to even stand up straight anymore. There is literally no chance he's driving anything, anywhere. The confrontation in this case (it happens quite a lot) is basically me taking the key off the table and telling him that he's not on my insurance (which he isn't, he doesn't have a license anymore but he doesn't understand that since he has a picture ID that looks identical) followed by sticking the key in my pocket and asking if he's going to get ready to go. He rarely bothers to argue, he knows he can't get it from me, and the only other copy is locked in my room out of his reach as well.
On the other hand, mom constantly does crazy crap. Unless she is putting herself, or others, in danger, I don't bother anymore. She won't understand, and she'll argue until she's worked herself up into a frenzy (which, admittedly, doesn't exactly take long), and then do it anyways as soon as you turn your back. For some of it (her trying to cook, wanting to make her own phonecalls about dr visits, medication, ect.) I make sure I'm within earshot when she does it, because she will forget she's cooking (has happened a few times) or she gets confused about who she's talking to and why they're on the phone with her (even if she's the one that calls them). For other things, I simply remove her ability to do whatever it is, and she rarely notices. She can't drive either, Alzheimer's/dementia and very low vision, which is why I have the only car key that isn't locked away. The doctor's offices/pharmacy know her condition, so they limit what she can do from the phone if she calls (no medication changes, no appointment cancellations).
In both cases, as long as they are not going to hurt me, themselves, animals, or other people, and they are not going to damage our or anyone else's property, I generally will at least let them try it. If any of the above is a possibility, I have no issue confronting and stopping them from doing whatever it was.
Accept that you will "lose it" occasionally and argue or yell - 15 minutes later they will forget that you did - forgive yourself and try not to do it again.
That you are trying to take care of them is probably better than anyone else in their lives is doing. On some level I think they realize this - and if not - at least you tried.
Husband tried to hush her up by whispering that it was a bad idea to say "guns or bombs" while going through airport security, at which point she gave him the stink eye and hissed that she had a right to say whatever she wanted.
Changing the subject works sometimes when the elderly person starts cursing. I think they curse because they're aware that those words are powerful and likely to get attention, or maybe they've just lost their inhibitions and no longer fell the need to be "ladylike."
The constant questions are what get to me. It's probably best just to answer briefly and calmly.
Do you wish to be right or happy??
I am married to a man who KNOW EVERYTHING. He also suffers from Solvent Dementia. Kind of reminds me of my kid's when they were younger & alive.
All I do is smile & walk away. I also wear a bracelet I made that I use the beads on to pray with as he speaks, if I don't agree. Works for me, or I go play the Guitar.
I don't try to tell him much for that always makes me be "the enemy." I don't wish to be the enemy. I don't have to be right either. I just have to loving listen....
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