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Personally, it depends on which one it is, and what they are doing.
Dad trying to take my keys because he wants to drive himself to dialysis? Not a snowball's chance in hell. He's had a massive stroke and double amputation (legs), he's got the mentality of a 5 year old, on a good day, and refuses to even stand up straight anymore. There is literally no chance he's driving anything, anywhere. The confrontation in this case (it happens quite a lot) is basically me taking the key off the table and telling him that he's not on my insurance (which he isn't, he doesn't have a license anymore but he doesn't understand that since he has a picture ID that looks identical) followed by sticking the key in my pocket and asking if he's going to get ready to go. He rarely bothers to argue, he knows he can't get it from me, and the only other copy is locked in my room out of his reach as well.
On the other hand, mom constantly does crazy crap. Unless she is putting herself, or others, in danger, I don't bother anymore. She won't understand, and she'll argue until she's worked herself up into a frenzy (which, admittedly, doesn't exactly take long), and then do it anyways as soon as you turn your back. For some of it (her trying to cook, wanting to make her own phonecalls about dr visits, medication, ect.) I make sure I'm within earshot when she does it, because she will forget she's cooking (has happened a few times) or she gets confused about who she's talking to and why they're on the phone with her (even if she's the one that calls them). For other things, I simply remove her ability to do whatever it is, and she rarely notices. She can't drive either, Alzheimer's/dementia and very low vision, which is why I have the only car key that isn't locked away. The doctor's offices/pharmacy know her condition, so they limit what she can do from the phone if she calls (no medication changes, no appointment cancellations).
In both cases, as long as they are not going to hurt me, themselves, animals, or other people, and they are not going to damage our or anyone else's property, I generally will at least let them try it. If any of the above is a possibility, I have no issue confronting and stopping them from doing whatever it was.
You can confront them with everything and anything. Be ready to face consequences: it will backfire big time! And it does not matter what they are doing or saying.... in their mind they are absolutely right and always will be. You can't change it. So, if you like to fight yourself, go ahead, argue and confront!
You may as well argue with the wall - less aggrevation and still won't get a response - LOL Take away their ability to get into anything that can hurt them, you, pets, or others (i.e. car keys, door keys, cooking, etc.) Beyond that let them try (and fail at) whatever they want to do. Arguing does no good. Accept that you will "lose it" occasionally and argue or yell - 15 minutes later they will forget that you did - forgive yourself and try not to do it again. That you are trying to take care of them is probably better than anyone else in their lives is doing. On some level I think they realize this - and if not - at least you tried.
In counseling, we have, Adult, Parent, and Child, and pretty much explained in context. Adults = being responsible for... Parent = well parenting, nurturing... Child = Child. So in your situation, Who is playing what roll?...
@shelia: Caregiver for parent with Alzheimer's will not fit into any counseling scheme. The one who takes role of caregiver becomes Father, Mother, Adult and everything else you might think about. While our parents turn into our children, they have no idea about that role playing and will not cooperate, does not matter how hard you try.
Well for lack of info, ... and if oversized or dangerous? speaks for it self, I see nothing mentioned about AL or dementia, but as far as and I am just guessing at a guilt factor of overriding (old school parents authority and or feeling disrespectful) then we do have a model to go by, with the rolls we play and the authority thereof, depending of course, the nature of the "wrong" or "crazy" doings, so, are you in a position to safely confront them? Does the situation NEED to be confronted? and will you need help with the confrontation? I think Only you can answer your own question at this point, "can you..." Best of wishes and I appreciate all who take part in these talks, It all helps me as well in the current situation of caregiving. Lots of hugs and support to all... Thank you...
My mom was a clean freak and now wants to do nothing..AT ALL...she talks dirty and keeps asking me the same thing over and over again. It is getting to the point I can't take here out anymore with me because its embarassing
Pinkzat, your profile says that Mom has dementia. In that case confrontation is not likely to be very effective. She talks dirty? In dementia the social filters we have carefully built up over a lifetime fail. I would ignore the language and respond to what she is saying as if she had left out the dirty stuff. In public, you might try quietly reminding her that she is using words that should be reserved for private. Or maybe you have to limit her public outings.
Asking you the same thing over and over? Sigh. That one can drive almost any one to lose it at least sometimes. Just answer her briefly each time and try to redirect her to another topic. "We are having pork chops for dinner." "Dinner is pork chops." "Do you remember what my favorite food was when I was in grade school?" You could try writing the answer on paper or a white board and just pointing at it, but that isn't often successful. Confronting "Mother, I've told you 50 times what's for dinner!!!" might bring some temporary relief or it might lead to a meltdown. Just remind yourself that she isn't doing it on purpose and answer again.
You'll have to make the call about limiting her outings. No one has ever died from embarrassment, but there comes a point where persons with dementia can be a menace to themselves and others. Some caregivers carry business-card size messages that say "My mother has dementia. Thank you for your patience." to smooth over any situations that call for an explanation.
Learn about dementia. Know what to expect. Accept that much of mother's behavior is not within her control. Can you confront your parent? Sure. But generally it won't do any good and may make matters worse.
Confrontation is pointless. Instead, try setting up a routine for her and assisting her with it every step of the way. If you're not able to do that, what about getting help at home for her, or finding a day centre for her to go to? It is tedious and laborious, but if your mother has dementia then she needs a good, daily structure if she's to stay clean and healthily occupied. With the wash-your-mouth-out stuff, try distraction. If it's getting beyond bearable, speak to her memory care doctor or geriatrician, or PCP/GP if she hasn't got a specialist, and see what can be done to help. It may be that nothing can be done and you'll just have to sit this phase out. Sorry.
will someone please give her the name of the lady that shows in youtube videos how to deal with repetitive questions and other types of alz behavior? tepa snow or something like that. It is amazingly helpful.
Yes you can... get hold of her, get her to look you straight in the eye, and when you have it, that one look of awareness, and remember now, you will have to be quick because it does not last long, and you confront her and tell her It's OK, you know how MUCH she loves you and you her, and you hold that look as long as you can and I promise you in that moment, a whole life time of pouring out with her whole heart, hugs, tears, joy and laughter, because in that moment, looking at you, seeing you, her greatest gift, to share a wonderful loving daughter who has so much to good to offer.... YES YOU CAN... PS, I was just thinking of the times I was an embarrassment to my parents (they both gone now) LOL 2 yrs old with you know, very loose bowls, my MOM with a very weak stomach, at the grocery store and POOO stinky, my fingers into the mouth and she exploded... LOL even when I was way older and she would bring that up she would still get so sick... I know, not nice to talk about, but to this day I can still see my Moms face... I miss them both SOOO much... and I so don't ever be like this with my kids and sometimes I get a bit ,,I don't know, scared? reading this stuff. If I could speak for your Mom right now! I would tell you, I am sorry! I am sorry it is hard and was never meant to be like this and I am sorry for the hurt heartache, disappointments, but I am also So very thankful and proud and full of joy that of all the Moms, I was the one chosen to be blessed of you... Thank you... HUGS...
I apologize to all for the last post, yes under the influence, had a rough day with neighbor, A very Happy Father's day today to all the wonderful DADs out there... confrontation's? Well be careful, they may not remember, but you will... A Beautiful day to all...
Still curious to know what the wrong, crazy thing was. It could be anything from attempting to juggle flaming chainsaws to wearing white after Labor Day.
Please, Pinkzat, tell us, what was the wrong, crazy thing?
I did tell you...talking dirty and using the same comments all the time when people ask her questions.Now she is doing the naked thing taking her bathing suit off in the back yard and putting on a towel!! Not pretty, I know its only going get worse and I am losing it.
At least she puts on a towel. I expect full frontal nudity at any time from my MIL, She recently tired to flash a TSA agent at the Detroit airport. She said she wanted to show him that she didn't have "any guns or bombs in my bosoms."
Husband tried to hush her up by whispering that it was a bad idea to say "guns or bombs" while going through airport security, at which point she gave him the stink eye and hissed that she had a right to say whatever she wanted.
Changing the subject works sometimes when the elderly person starts cursing. I think they curse because they're aware that those words are powerful and likely to get attention, or maybe they've just lost their inhibitions and no longer fell the need to be "ladylike."
The constant questions are what get to me. It's probably best just to answer briefly and calmly.
TherIsNoTry is correct. It's Teepa Snow. She's outstanding in her recommendations/suggestions in dealing with people with Alzheimers. This is her website. (She also has YouTube videos to watch.) teepasnow/about.html
I confront my parents who are 77 and 73 years old, but it doesn't help.
I don't think they have much dementia, but the problem with my dad is that he overestimates what he should be doing physically. He is a cardiac patient, but doing well. It's fine to stay active, but he uses poor judgement in working outside in the heat and doing very strenuous labor, and he doesn't have to do this. I confront him and tell him that he acting very selfish by doing it and that it causes others to worry and if it puts him in the hospital, it's us who have to have their schedules interrupted to care for him. He will go out in 90 degree weather and load wood or tools onto his trailer. He'll pull weeds or do other labor intensive work. I've talked until I'm blue in the face, but he refuses to listen. I'm beyond ticked off.
And no, he refuses to go to the gym, walk or swim. It's quite ridiculous. There is no way to stop him, except following behind him 24/7 and I can't do that. I'm too busy working and trying to get some help for my cousin who has really bad dementia, who won't listen to me either. lol
As an afterthought, maybe she finds her bathing suit uncomfortable. You could try getting her a beach cover-up to wear instead, something that allows her freedom of movement but that covers everything that needs covering.
A little trick I learned at a caregivers support group is to redirect. Change the subject. Give them a task to do or a pleasant past conversation to recall and talk about. Sometimes the temper tantrum is a to get attention as a spoiled child. Just to have interaction with you and get their own way. If a brate child may want to stick their hand in the fire you have to fill those hands, put a lolly pop in one hand and a teddy bear in the other hand. Change their thoughts and occupy their time. They need to feel validated.They don't remember from one minute to the next anyway, so redirection does work and it avoids the" fire" of debates and tantrums that you will never win. Their reasoning skills are gone. Their brain does not connect the dots. The moments they live in are their real feelings, their lives now. Its important try to keep them calm, not frustrated and to feel of value in their "only moments" to experience, as they lituraliary live in the moment. I am the sole caregiver of my 95 year old Mother with Dementia and it has been a long," challenging" road of learning for us both..Redirection has saved my sanity and I try to be patient with time for a lot of redirection through out the day. May God guide you and bless you and your family.
In our case is it my sister who is still highly functional and in many cases when people first meet her they are surprised to learn she has Alzheimer's. She has not started using the bad words but she does the repetitive question thing a lot. I believe the problem with family members caring for their loved ones is it is so hard to change those "old" roles. More than likely the caregiver was a younger person who always respected the elder so the thought of having to treat them "like a child" is difficult. Mostly it's because we get embarrassed for them and ourselves when around others. At home you can ignore the bad words and just keep answering the questions they same way ever time. Just stay calm and remember they are now like a small child and really don't remember. Around others just share that she has dementia and most people understand. Sometimes trying to change the subject or getting them involved in something else will also help. But a lot of times you just have to wait until (as my niece says) they "change the channel" and move onto something else.
I agree that for the most part if it is something that is not dangerous maybe just annoying or will cause you aggravation at having to clean up later, it really is better to just sit back make sure it doesn't get out of hand. They do not understand most of the time when told they "can't" do something and many times get angry if they are told they "have" to do something. Better to lose the battle and win the war.
Depending on how functional they are if they still can carry on conversations and have the ability to reason sometimes, I agree that carefully getting their full attention and explaining the why something can't be done or has to be done in a calm and soothing voice usually works. Also try to be sure that you answer their specific question, recently we found that my sister was upset and confused because when she asked a question or wanted to know why she could or couldn't do something we were not being clear enough and it caused frustration then anger. Even though the anger is sort lived, especially if you are caring for a loved one, it hurts.
If you are caring for your loved one because finances will not allow you to get an outside caregiver then get other family members, friends, church members etc. to relieve you. Even if it's just for a couple of hours to go see a movie or have lunch with a friend, you need that respite time. There are agencies that provide "sitter" care and the rates are fairly reasonable when you consider that it could save your health and well being. DO NOT cut yourself off from socializing and doing things that you like to do because too many family care givers get sick themselves.
Seek console through your Senior Centers, church and council on aging, you MUST take care of yourself, if you get sick then what will happen to the one you are caring for? And above all remember that whatever they do it is not with the intent to frustrate you it's just the nature of the disease. And like someone said before if they could they would tell you how much they love you for the care you are giving them. My Mom and two of my older sisters have Alzheimer's, I have a VERY good chance of getting it myself. So I have started now letting my daughter and any other family members who may have to take care of me know that I realize how difficult it is and ask them to try and remember that if/when this happens to me somewhere deep down inside I am still there and loving them. God bless you each and every one of you who have taken on the task of caring for your loved ones.
Why would you even go there?? Do you wish to be right or happy?? I am married to a man who KNOW EVERYTHING. He also suffers from Solvent Dementia. Kind of reminds me of my kid's when they were younger & alive. All I do is smile & walk away. I also wear a bracelet I made that I use the beads on to pray with as he speaks, if I don't agree. Works for me, or I go play the Guitar. I don't try to tell him much for that always makes me be "the enemy." I don't wish to be the enemy. I don't have to be right either. I just have to loving listen....
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Personally, it depends on which one it is, and what they are doing.
Dad trying to take my keys because he wants to drive himself to dialysis? Not a snowball's chance in hell. He's had a massive stroke and double amputation (legs), he's got the mentality of a 5 year old, on a good day, and refuses to even stand up straight anymore. There is literally no chance he's driving anything, anywhere. The confrontation in this case (it happens quite a lot) is basically me taking the key off the table and telling him that he's not on my insurance (which he isn't, he doesn't have a license anymore but he doesn't understand that since he has a picture ID that looks identical) followed by sticking the key in my pocket and asking if he's going to get ready to go. He rarely bothers to argue, he knows he can't get it from me, and the only other copy is locked in my room out of his reach as well.
On the other hand, mom constantly does crazy crap. Unless she is putting herself, or others, in danger, I don't bother anymore. She won't understand, and she'll argue until she's worked herself up into a frenzy (which, admittedly, doesn't exactly take long), and then do it anyways as soon as you turn your back. For some of it (her trying to cook, wanting to make her own phonecalls about dr visits, medication, ect.) I make sure I'm within earshot when she does it, because she will forget she's cooking (has happened a few times) or she gets confused about who she's talking to and why they're on the phone with her (even if she's the one that calls them). For other things, I simply remove her ability to do whatever it is, and she rarely notices. She can't drive either, Alzheimer's/dementia and very low vision, which is why I have the only car key that isn't locked away. The doctor's offices/pharmacy know her condition, so they limit what she can do from the phone if she calls (no medication changes, no appointment cancellations).
In both cases, as long as they are not going to hurt me, themselves, animals, or other people, and they are not going to damage our or anyone else's property, I generally will at least let them try it. If any of the above is a possibility, I have no issue confronting and stopping them from doing whatever it was.
What's going on, exactly?
Accept that you will "lose it" occasionally and argue or yell - 15 minutes later they will forget that you did - forgive yourself and try not to do it again.
That you are trying to take care of them is probably better than anyone else in their lives is doing. On some level I think they realize this - and if not - at least you tried.
Asking you the same thing over and over? Sigh. That one can drive almost any one to lose it at least sometimes. Just answer her briefly each time and try to redirect her to another topic. "We are having pork chops for dinner." "Dinner is pork chops." "Do you remember what my favorite food was when I was in grade school?" You could try writing the answer on paper or a white board and just pointing at it, but that isn't often successful. Confronting "Mother, I've told you 50 times what's for dinner!!!" might bring some temporary relief or it might lead to a meltdown. Just remind yourself that she isn't doing it on purpose and answer again.
You'll have to make the call about limiting her outings. No one has ever died from embarrassment, but there comes a point where persons with dementia can be a menace to themselves and others. Some caregivers carry business-card size messages that say "My mother has dementia. Thank you for your patience." to smooth over any situations that call for an explanation.
Learn about dementia. Know what to expect. Accept that much of mother's behavior is not within her control. Can you confront your parent? Sure. But generally it won't do any good and may make matters worse.
PS, I was just thinking of the times I was an embarrassment to my parents (they both gone now) LOL 2 yrs old with you know, very loose bowls, my MOM with a very weak stomach, at the grocery store and POOO stinky, my fingers into the mouth and she exploded... LOL even when I was way older and she would bring that up she would still get so sick... I know, not nice to talk about, but to this day I can still see my Moms face... I miss them both SOOO much... and I so don't ever be like this with my kids and sometimes I get a bit ,,I don't know, scared? reading this stuff. If I could speak for your Mom right now! I would tell you, I am sorry! I am sorry it is hard and was never meant to be like this and I am sorry for the hurt heartache, disappointments, but I am also So very thankful and proud and full of joy that of all the Moms, I was the one chosen to be blessed of you... Thank you... HUGS...
Please, Pinkzat, tell us, what was the wrong, crazy thing?
Husband tried to hush her up by whispering that it was a bad idea to say "guns or bombs" while going through airport security, at which point she gave him the stink eye and hissed that she had a right to say whatever she wanted.
Changing the subject works sometimes when the elderly person starts cursing. I think they curse because they're aware that those words are powerful and likely to get attention, or maybe they've just lost their inhibitions and no longer fell the need to be "ladylike."
The constant questions are what get to me. It's probably best just to answer briefly and calmly.
I don't think they have much dementia, but the problem with my dad is that he overestimates what he should be doing physically. He is a cardiac patient, but doing well. It's fine to stay active, but he uses poor judgement in working outside in the heat and doing very strenuous labor, and he doesn't have to do this. I confront him and tell him that he acting very selfish by doing it and that it causes others to worry and if it puts him in the hospital, it's us who have to have their schedules interrupted to care for him. He will go out in 90 degree weather and load wood or tools onto his trailer. He'll pull weeds or do other labor intensive work. I've talked until I'm blue in the face, but he refuses to listen. I'm beyond ticked off.
And no, he refuses to go to the gym, walk or swim. It's quite ridiculous. There is no way to stop him, except following behind him 24/7 and I can't do that. I'm too busy working and trying to get some help for my cousin who has really bad dementia, who won't listen to me either. lol
Change their thoughts and occupy their time. They need to feel validated.They don't remember from one minute to the next anyway, so redirection does work and it avoids the" fire" of debates and tantrums that you will never win. Their reasoning skills are gone. Their brain does not connect the dots. The moments they live in are their real feelings, their lives now. Its important try to keep them calm, not frustrated and to feel of value in their "only moments" to experience, as they lituraliary live in the moment.
I am the sole caregiver of my 95 year old Mother with Dementia and it has been a long," challenging" road of learning for us both..Redirection has saved my sanity and I try to be patient with time for a lot of redirection through out the day.
May God guide you and bless you and your family.
I agree that for the most part if it is something that is not dangerous maybe just annoying or will cause you aggravation at having to clean up later, it really is better to just sit back make sure it doesn't get out of hand. They do not understand most of the time when told they "can't" do something and many times get angry if they are told they "have" to do something. Better to lose the battle and win the war.
Depending on how functional they are if they still can carry on conversations and have the ability to reason sometimes, I agree that carefully getting their full attention and explaining the why something can't be done or has to be done in a calm and soothing voice usually works. Also try to be sure that you answer their specific question, recently we found that my sister was upset and confused because when she asked a question or wanted to know why she could or couldn't do something we were not being clear enough and it caused frustration then anger. Even though the anger is sort lived, especially if you are caring for a loved one, it hurts.
If you are caring for your loved one because finances will not allow you to get an outside caregiver then get other family members, friends, church members etc. to relieve you. Even if it's just for a couple of hours to go see a movie or have lunch with a friend, you need that respite time. There are agencies that provide "sitter" care and the rates are fairly reasonable when you consider that it could save your health and well being. DO NOT cut yourself off from socializing and doing things that you like to do because too many family care givers get sick themselves.
Seek console through your Senior Centers, church and council on aging, you MUST take care of yourself, if you get sick then what will happen to the one you are caring for? And above all remember that whatever they do it is not with the intent to frustrate you it's just the nature of the disease. And like someone said before if they could they would tell you how much they love you for the care you are giving them. My Mom and two of my older sisters have Alzheimer's, I have a VERY good chance of getting it myself. So I have started now letting my daughter and any other family members who may have to take care of me know that I realize how difficult it is and ask them to try and remember that if/when this happens to me somewhere deep down inside I am still there and loving them. God bless you each and every one of you who have taken on the task of caring for your loved ones.
Do you wish to be right or happy??
I am married to a man who KNOW EVERYTHING. He also suffers from Solvent Dementia. Kind of reminds me of my kid's when they were younger & alive.
All I do is smile & walk away. I also wear a bracelet I made that I use the beads on to pray with as he speaks, if I don't agree. Works for me, or I go play the Guitar.
I don't try to tell him much for that always makes me be "the enemy." I don't wish to be the enemy. I don't have to be right either. I just have to loving listen....