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My father has dementia. I do his grocery shopping. Lately he’s been asking me to buy a bottle of wine. He’s never been an alcoholic but occasionally enjoys a glass of wine while he eats. I believe he has been having hallucinations lately so I can’t see how alcohol could be good for him, but I’m not sure if it would hurt. I will have to ask his new Dr. (his previous Dr. retired).

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Beekee, your rude comment was not necessary!!
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NobodyGetsIt, I like reading your replies on this site. You have always been respectful on this site. You have a lot to offer this Forum and one can't please everyone. There is not one thing wrong in sending support via Bible verses in my opinion. I find them refreshing and comforting. I tried to send you a private message the other day and could not send it now I know why. Please stay on this Forum. Know there are some people here that really appreciate your kindness and support. Hugs to you!
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NobodyGetsIt Dec 2020
Hi "earlybird,"

I appreciate your comments. You've always been gracious to me and a lot of your posts bring a smile to my face if not a "chuckle." I'm not trying to please everyone or anyone for that matter. Like the proverbial saying goes, "You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time" attributed to John Lydgate, Abe Lincoln and PT Barnum according to one source. I actually prefer the other saying, "You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time" - but, that's a whole other arena!

In this day and age, I think or more like I know, most people see kindness, empathy and compassion as a weakness but, "I" see it as a strength. If people met me in person, they would know I'm very confident and comfortable in my own skin - I wasn't like that when I was younger.

I haven't been on the forum except a few times late at night when someone seemed desperate for an answer and I wanted to help them know they've been heard but, mostly have answered some of those questions or updates privately.

I know one thing, I've gotten two big projects done that I've been dreading and putting off for a couple years, completed while being away!

I'm glad you find the Bible verses refreshing and comforting which is all they are meant to do - I'm not trying to force any of my beliefs on anyone, not trying to convert anyone. Sometimes, it's just some words to be pondered but, everyone can make up their own minds whether they get anything out of it.

Well, better get back to my next project - it feels great to get something accomplished. I will try to private message you later today!
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NoBodyGetsIt

No offense here and I don't mean to harpe on an old thread but I do want to respond to your comment.

You stated, "you have been brushed off from not providing "intellectual answers."

From what I have witnessed on this forum, your answers are just as "intellectual" as anyone else's here.

Do not let others intimidate you and tell you otherwise. : )
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NobodyGetsIt Dec 2020
haileybug,

No offense taken - at least not by me :)!

I appreciate your comments. It's not a matter of being intimidated, it's just a matter of not wanting to contribute anything if it's not helpful as my plate is plenty full!

Thank you again -
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These threads are becoming too religious for me, and too much backbiting and baiting each other, rather than responding to the original poster's issue. I never realized until recently how many nutcase evangelicals were on this forum. And apparently you all have no one else to argue with online, now that the hate groups and conspiracies have been kicked off of Facebook.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
Beekee,
I am an atheist, but would support anyone's right to have their own religious belief, or none at all.
I think you managed to fish out a month old thread that hasn't been commented on for many days. I agree with you that it seemed to have descended into it's own odd madness. But it wouldn't have even shown up on Forum today had you not felt the need to comment on it. I could almost think it is YOU looking for an argument this fine evening. And for the sake of argument (I admit to enjoying one occasionally actually), I know you have found posts worthy of comment and considerations in past, and have contributed good info, and bet you will in the future. At least I hope so.
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Lets remember all of us are stressed to the max trying to do the best for our loved ones. Be generous and be kind. Everyone's story is different.
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My mom enjoys a small cocktail with her neighbors every afternoon. It was approved by her doctor.
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DL

I felt the hurt in my heart for you. Whew. Bless your heart. You were a very strong person. I understand you had a deep love for your dad. So sorry.
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DobermanLover Nov 2020
I did love him so very much...Thank You... ;)
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DL

Do you feel you did not nitpick my comment? I mean, honestly, I was just giving my opinions as to why I did not agree with giving someone with dementia, (or anyone for that matter) a glass of wine.

No arguement - just opinion.

Your comment to me was basically, "who cares." Now if you were not nitpicking my comment, then what were you doing?

Either way - you right or wrong - it doesn't matter to me. If you want me to publicly apologize - I CAN DO THAT : )

Like I said, No arguement here.
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DobermanLover Nov 2020
My father was my best friend I worshiped the ground he walked on
...I watched him go from a robust man of 6' 5" 265 lbs down to 150 pounds...if he wanted a glass of wine I would have moved heaven and earth to do that for him...he died in my arms...I require no apology....
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DL

"These people are at the end of life who cares"

To this comment: That is the point I am making. "No one cares." That is a shame.

I'm not preaching. Nothing I have stated here is biblical.
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DobermanLover Nov 2020
Hailybug

    You're nitpicking my comment...when I said no one cares...you know I meant no one cares about drinking a glass of wine...
    And preaching...ok how about 
proselytizing instead of preaching... better?
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I,assume he’s not driving and not able to get out on his own. You can buy alcohol free wine and beer. My mom has dementia and enjoys a glass of wine or a cold beer occasionally. You have to control the situation. Don’t leave him alone with a full bottle.
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Imho, it's a no if your father takes medication, although red wine in small amounts has been said to be beneficial.
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Well anyone on here knows my Mom has her 2 glasses of Port every night.. sometimes it goes well and once in awhile she gets loopy! Her FD and her Cardiologist say let it go! She is 90 YO and has not much happiness left. BTW she also smokes about a pack a day, and they have given up on the not smoking issue also! It is what it is,, and if she is happy at 90 YO,, so be it. She is not going to live forever, and believe me she does not want to.. so I just want her happy while she is still here
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DobermanLover Nov 2020
I gave up on Mom quitting smoking years ago!!! It is what it is...I can't change it and I'm not her parent!!!
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If the doctor ok's it, I would say do it. My mom loved her "glass of wine" but she was pouring it herself, and then forgot that she had some already and just kept pouring another and another some days. Hopefully somebody will be serving dad the appropriate amount. It is a joy to see them enjoy a glass of wine.
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No not good--- only makes it worse and can lead to falls.
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haileybug Nov 2020
Right
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I would check with the doctor first because IF he is on any medications it might interfere.  Could you just buy some grape juice and/or cranberry juice (water down slightly) and let him know you got some and poured it into a glass for him.  and it might make the hallucinations worse.......wishing you luck
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In their reality a wine glass with a nonalcoholic wine substitute would also give the ambiance of the experience which is what most people are looking for at that point --to belong to normal. It would be a good chance to join and make it special for you both.
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My mother-in-law suffered from advanced dementia. She was probably an alcoholic. We think she had been frequently refilling her coffee cup (with boxed wine a family member bought for her) through the day, but it may have been to get calories since she was eating poorly and very thin. We were concerned because of her lack of nutrition, dementia, hallucinations, and meds.
When we obtained guardianship and brought her to live with us, we cut her back to a couple small glasses of wine daily for a week or so, adding nutritious snacks and meals that she could chew (no teeth) and digest (celiac disease). Then we decreased it to one glass of wine, while adding a glass of cranberry juice a day which she loved. Finally she was enjoying an afternoon glass of cranberry juice with slices of cheese, never missing the wine.
I purchased cranberry juice that was 100% juice, sweetened with other juices, NOT sugar added or artificial sweeteners, and poured it into pretty little glasses that she could easily handle. She also loved bowls of yogurt with fruit, and after early dinners, small bowls of natural vanilla ice cream.
Staying well hydrated helped to reduce the craving for alcohol, a strategy I use myself when stress tempts me to pour another glass of wine that I know I don't need or really want!
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I would ask his doctor who is aware of all of his meds. When you buy the wine, is it still a glass with dinner or his he drinking the whole thing? That would be important to share with the dr.
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my2cents Nov 2020
You might also try a drink that comes in wine shaped bottle. One of the sparkling fruit/wine looking drinks
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My husband used to drink ether wine or a beer with his evening meal. Now he'll mostly ask for water (shocker to me!) but every so often he'll ask for wine or a beer and he gets it. He's not on any opioid meds and doc is aware of the occasional glass or two with dinner.

Two years ago for a while he took to drinking a high ball size glass of white wine like it was water at all hours of the day. So I resorted to watering wine quite significantly and he never noticed. Saved me the argument and threats about not providing wine and kept him out of trouble. That was just a phase.

So unless he's on meds that have strong contra indications I would give him his glass of wine! Seems like he lives alone from what you say, so may be you can buy the individual serving cans, bottles or even glass shaped containers they sell today.
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When mom moved into Memory Care they gave her a glass a night. When she fell (not because of the wine) and came back from the hospital I worried about the wine with the pain meds. So I bought the little four packs of red wine and large bottle of the wine called Fre which is wine with the alcohol removed. I poured out the real wine from the small bottles and poured the Fre wine into them. She really never noticed the difference. Now that she is recovered, I leave a little “real” wine in the small bottles and fill the rest with the Fre wine. That way she gets some rest benefit from the real wine without too much alcohol and I can leave it fir her to drink when she wants.
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I will occasionally give my dad a half of glass of red wine. It does relax him.
It is always a great idea and advisable to ask the doctor 1st. Make sure he can have wine with current meds.
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Does the alcohol causes him some immediate behavioral change that is problematic? Does he become abusive? Violent? uncooperative? If not, let him enjoy a glass if that is what he wants.
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Is dementia curable? No. Then why would a glass of wine hurt? And yet give temporary pleasure...
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When my mother in law (a binge alcoholic) was in a nursing home she kept trying to leave to go get a beer. They asked me if it was okay to give her one of those half cans of beer once a day. She loved it, it didn't hurt her (because she could only get one can a day) and everyone was happy. So unless there is a safety or medical reason and you can control the intake then sure.
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I used to give my mom a small glass of wine, nightly. Yes, she had Alzheimer's. Yes, she was on meds. The doctor knew about this.

Dementia steals so much from them, why not continue with a nightly glass that she enjoyed. And we will all die of something. If drinking the wine has a risk of death then give me more.

If I get dementia, I would rather die sooner than later. And maybe, just maybe, I it hastens deat
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
Your response makes me remember my beloved bro and my last visit to the ALF where my Mom was. We walked the halls, and all around us was so much of the long slow slide that my Mom was on, and that is inevitable for us all if we live so long.
We got home together, back to my Mom's place that we were moving her things preparatory to giving up her rooms. Sat together on the sofa having a big glass of wine, and my bro looked at me and said "You know, if I thought that cigarettes would take away one week of my life for every one cigarette smoked, I would take up chain smoking". That good man never did take up smoking, and had to live to 85 facing down Lewy's Dementia.
gladimhere, I am so with you. If I thought that a glass of wine would take away a week for every glass I drank down, you would have to pry the wine bottle out of my cold dead hand.
Thanks for my Saturday morning moment of levity.
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I do not allow the person in my house to have alcohol because she is on narco, fentanyl and a bunch of other meds that there is a reaction with and I refuse to be a part of that drama. You can ask a pharmacist about interactions.

On the other hand, when my grandfather was dying and knew he was, I was the person who let him enjoy a night before he died.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
Your points are excellent. Every situation is different, and there are many things to consider in anyone's personal equation.
In your first situation alcohol could have had very dire consequences. And in your second alcohol can be a comfort to someone in special circumstance.
There are excellent points made in this thread by all. I think OP has a lot of good points from a variety of posters.
I would love to know how OP has chosen, and what factors figured in his or her unique situation.
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Folks, I know I have already posted but I feel the need to elaborate "my opinion." Maybe, I should add a little reasoning as to why I believe OP should not give his/her dad a little glass of wine. (might even add some facts, bare with me.)

Remember now, I am not the boss here, OP is. He/she makes his/her own decisions, I just offer my advice/opinion, as everyone else here does.

You do know that wine (even in moderation) (and NO I do NOT drink) can cause/add mental confusion, diorientation. violence with others and so, so much more harmful things? That is well enough reasons right there not to give it to someone. Then a person with dementia at that.

In my "humble opinion", I wouldn't necessary go by what a doctor says, simply because they are human too. They are just like ME, you and everyone else. Just because they are doctors does not mean that they always have the right answer. They may mean well and they may not. Who knows? (I am not knocking doctors by no means) It is what it is.

My husband and I know of Memory Care Units who think it is fine to let their dementia patients smoke with heart disease and lung disease. Guess what happens to some of them? They end up in the hospital. I don't think that is a very wise decion.

Nevertheless, It is people's decision what they do.
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DobermanLover Nov 2020
We'll have to agree to disagree...when my Father was dying of cancer the hospital wouldn't allow him soda...guess what I gave it to him I snuck it in I didn't care what they thought, it was sucked out but who cares...it made him happy. These people are at the end of life who cares if they have a glass of wine...preach all you want...have a glass of wine...
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There's probably less alcohol in a glass of wine that in a shot of NyQuil. Don't know and don't care, really. I don't drink, but my MIL might drive me to it soon.

Speaking of MIL, her PCP recently told her to drink a glass or two of wine after dinner, hoping it would calm her down and help her sleep (anyone following my crazy story with MIL will remember she has not slept since I joined the family in '75)....my DH went and bought her the wine and she would NOT be seen in a liquor store and we don't have alcohol sold at Costco here in Utah.

It hasn't made her sleepy, she reports, but I think at least it takes the edge off her awful personality. My DH bought her 2 bottles and said to make it last (joking)..he doesn't care if she chugged both bottles.

Back in my GGfather's day, he was also told to take a 'tot of sherry' for his blood every night. That was over 100 years ago.

Haileybug---calm down, OK? Caring for the elderly is NOT a one size fits all. We appreciate your comments, but we're all dealing with so many different issues--
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haileybug Nov 2020
Midkid


LOL Haileybug is calm. : )
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My mom is 98,,with dementia..and at this time in her life a small glass of wine 🍷 is a must with her cumber sandwiches 😋
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If he is on any of the medications for Alzheimer's disease, he should not drink alcohol. Alcohol increases the effects of the medications - leading to overdosage effects. However, 1 glass of wine daily will not create more dementia. Of course, you will need to be the bartender since I doubt your dad can remember to limit himself to just one.
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